Do I move in with his family?

[Wy48]

Hello I’ve read through some of the posts but I honestly would like imput about my situation . I’m a travel nurse who just lost my boyfriend on 2/4/24 from a car accident. We always talked about marriage and even had promise rings but I don’t know what we’d call ourselves.  He was the love of my life. I guess Im filled with a lot of regrets of what if and could have should have would haves. Im 26 years old and he was 19. Im sad more than anything. Yes parts of his case make me mad and as it’s still ongoing im afraid to relive this. I’m just so down. I try eating and taking it day by day but I feel like im going nowhere. My intrusive thoughts keep running through my mind. I want to die but I can’t carry anything out. I know people say you feel like that now. I know and have heard it all before. I’ve said it before as well it’s just so painful. His parents asked me to move in and as much as it warms my heart it’s scary. When he was in the ICU his family made me feel better. And in the OR when they took his organ donation it was hard watching him take his last breath but I knew his family needed me. That he did. I guess I’m afraid they want me close because of how much I meant to him. After his viewing they let me stay in his room. It doesn’t smell like him anymore but all our memories of us in there makes me safe. It hurts and I cry but I want everything I can of him. It’s not like we haven’t hung out with his family as he lived with them. Everytime I was over we hung out as well as me spending my time with him alone. I’ve lost other people in my life but this is by far the worst one I’ve grieved with. I’m still grieving. I’ve lost 16 pounds since January 30th. I’ve had the normal stress, anxiety, panic attacks, trouble sleeping but tired all the time even with decent sleep. Food makes me sick after eating ,cry on and off, lack of appetite, heart aches off and on. I even catch periods of me holding my breathing without realizing I’m doing it. I have nightmares and no motivation to do anything. I don’t understand why this would happen to someone like him. I want to believe I’ll see him again but the Bible says there’s no marriage in heaven. That we’ll have our own places. I guess what I really need help with is the following:

 

Do I move in with his family and stop traveling for work?

How can I understand better and be at peace with God?

 

thank you everyone for reading my mess of a post and for any advice you can give.

 

[KayC]

Welcome here, you're here safe with people who get it and understand.  I am so sorry for this loss, that you're going through so much at this young age.

You're asking questions of yourself that are too hard to comprehend right now, you're less than two weeks into this, it's too much to try and make sense of anything right now.  For now take a deep breath, get up and get dressed, that's a lot for now.  Look in the mirror and tell yourself it won't be like this forever, and it won't, hard as it is to believe right now.  Yes he's crossed the veil, but this is an evolving journey and in a few years (everyone's timetable is different on this journey so I can't say when exactly) it will seem more manageable than right now.

Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief, do not act on them, that is taking a permanent action over what is a temporal situation...I know it FEELS permanent, but it's not, give it time, a few years, to get through this, it's so important to grant ourselves that.  And do talk to a suicide hotline (in tips below) if you're feeling strong thoughts that way.

What does your heart guide you to do?  Go with that although you might want to slow down making a permanent decision right now.  My brain was in grief fog in the early years and my decision making was not good, I think back to those early days, my thoughts, I can remember them but oh I shudder to think back on it now.

As far as marriage in heaven, please don't worry about that now, it's too hard for our brains to comprehend.  Just know your relationship with him will not be any less than it was here, you will still be close and connected and go with that.  It's too hard for earthlings to try and get what heaven is like, way too hard, #1 le.e've never seen it and the Bible also tells us we can't comprehend what's in store for us, what He's preparing for us.  Take that as good.  Now we see in part, then we shall see the whole.

We want to be here for you and I hope you will come here to read and post, it helps to get your thoughts out and to know there's someone on the other end that is reading and some going through similar places, although all of our journeys are unique.

I do remember the first year feeling as if my prayers bounced off heaven and no one was hearing, let alone answering.  At the end of a year I realized God had been there all the time, carrying me and it was my grief that was keeping me from a two way connection, not God.  If you feel anger, that's okay too, He understands and won't judge you for your feelings...feelings are feelings, not facts, they are to be gotten through as best as we can but nothing to judge ourselves for.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

 

[HisMunchkin]

I am so sorry for your loss.  Welcome to the board!  What you're going is normal under the circumstance.  I also felt everything that you're feeling.  In the beginning, I felt like throwing up when I tried to eat.  I can't help you decide what to do in terms of moving in with your boyfriends' parents' house.  Maybe ask yourself if you think you'll be happy there.  Do you really want to live with them or do you just feel a sense of obligation?  Would you miss traveling for work?  Etc.  As for god, I really don't know the answer to that as I'm not religious.  Anyway, hope you'll stick around and talk with us.  This place and the people here have been extremely helpful during this grieving period.  I hope you'll feel the same.  And remember, you are not alone! 💝   

[shawnt]

Follow the above , there is wisdom there. Try not to make big decisions in the first year, you are changing into someone new and you won't know who that is yet.

Give yourself grace, take things one day, one hour, one minute at a time . Take care of yourself. I am sorry for your loss. Come here and scream all you want, most of the people here know why and their stories have helped me. I hope they can help you too.

[widower2]

I'm so sorry for your loss. We can't answer your questions of course, but I would advise not making any drastic changes right away...your mind is in a chaotic state right now, and that's not the time to make big changes...moving in with them may seem like a good warm fuzzy kind of move now, but it's not a long-term answer and you'll need your career long term. I'm not saying you should or shouldn't, just some thoughts

[Griefsucks810]

From 2013 until May 2014, my husband and I and our beloved cat lived with my mother in law who was in her late 80’s and retired. When we first moved into her home, she was very nice to me and we got along well. The agreement was that we pay $600 a month for rent and pay all of the utility bills and half of the food. We also had to pay for our joint personal monthly expenses as well. Thank goodness we both worked 2 jobs each at the time so we were able to afford to pay all of our expenses and all of the household expenses too. She also cooked breakfast and dinner for the 3 of us everyday. Within one month his mother approached me asking me to call a bank where she obtained a $12k loan years ago and put up her vehicle as collateral to secure the loan. She was behind a few months on her loan payments and the bank was gonna take possession of the collateral vehicle cuz they had a lien on her car title. Come to find out that she no longer had the car she put up as collateral so her only way out of this mess was to make payment arrangements with the bank which she did. She changed over night for the worst cuz she was constantly complaining that my cat was making her feel unwell and that she was knocking stuff of her tables.  It got so bad one night with her that she told me that the cat had to leave her house so I brought my cat over my friend Paulie apartment where she stayed for 1 month. After that incident she started yelling at me saying that I wasn’t a good enough wife to her son and said a bunch of other hurtful remarks to me. When he defended me, she started yelling at him and pushed him down the staircase.  We decided that it’s time for us to get our own place with our cat. We found a 2 bedroom apt within a month and fully moved out of her house the first week of May 2014. We were fully moved into our new place with our beloved cat on Nay 10,2014.  Ever since the incidents with his mother happened, we distanced ourselves from her and the rest of his immediate family too.  We haven’t spoken to and have not seen any of his immediate family members for 4 years prior to my husband’s death which was on August 21, 2019.  When I told the brother in law on the phone that my husband died, he did not offer his condolences to me; he sternly asked where’s Richard’s jewelry?  Told him that all he had was his father’s gold chain with a gold Miraculous medal pendant and I’m keeping it. I also let him know that his black and gold onyx ring was not on his pinkie finger when he died and I believed it was stolen by our roommate we were living with at the time.  I didn’t hear from any of his immediate family members or both of his adult children at all. A few months later, I received a message from my friend Tony who told me that the brother in law offered to pay for my husband’s burial and that I can visit him at the cemetery as much as I want. I declined the offer and said I’d bury him myself. This is when I decided that I’m excluding his immediate family members  and both of his adult children from his cremation burial service since they all turned their backs on me. 

 

[JonathanFive]

Hello and welcome to the forum! It is definitely a, "sad place to join, but good place to be."  I am very sorry for your loss.  

Consider that: you're a nurse, you know your sympathetic nervous system has shot into overdrive.  @shawnt is spot on - try not to make big decisions right now. 

The most important things are: not acting on suicide ideation, and "self-care" like eating something.   It took me almost 6 weeks to start eating again - I lost 30 pounds.

Also, "keep busy," is the advice I got in the early days, and I am offering it to you.  Go to work, go somewhere after work, try to do things around the home, go be with family or friends.   Go do anything, do not sit still re: sympathetic nervous is going haywire right now, it's what happens to us. Humans have a natural inclination to prioritize survival when experiencing the loss of loved ones. This instinct is rooted in our primal nature.

Also, you might find that when your sympathetic nervous system calms a little, your sense of smell returns.  Just, ya know.  The human brain is very complicated.  Yours is focused survival mode, and not, "remembering that togetherness," right now. 

Again, I'm sorry for your loss.  Welcome to the board

 

 

 

[KayC]

12 hours ago, Griefsucks810 said:

We decided that it’s time for us to get our own place with our cat.

Wow!  I would say so!  And I don't blame you for wanting to be independent of them.

[Marq]

Keeping busy has been helpful.  It’s hard though with the constant sense of fatigue.  But getting up, cleaning, paying bills, arranging for Dorothy’s funeral services has helped a little