What's Your Grief-Continuing Bonds

[KayC]

I found it interesting they posted this on Valentine's Day a few years ago:
Good article!
 

A Grief Concept You Should Care About: Continuing Bonds

UNDERSTANDING GRIEF / UNDERSTANDING GRIEF : ELEANOR HALEY

Continued Bonds, Grief Theory

I’ve always thought of continuing bonds as an ‘a-ha’ grief concept. As in...

 “A-ha! That makes so much sense.”

“A-ha! I knew I wasn’t crazy.”

“A-ha! That’s exactly how I feel.”

Continuing bonds is an idea that brings clarity, normalcy, and understanding to many who hear it. It's one of those concepts that makes so much sense that it feels like you already knew it, except you didn’t know that you knew it until someone put it into words.

[Note: This may not be true for everyone. Many people do not find comfort in continuing a bond with their deceased loved ones for a variety of reasons, and that’s okay.]

Okay, I'm going to back up a little because I know some of you are thinking "What is this grief jargon that you speak of?" If you've never heard of 'Continuing Bonds' (CB), you're not alone. This concept emerged from grief literature which, let's be honest, most people haven't read.

Please allow me to introduce CB by sharing an excerpt from our grief journaling e-course: 

In 1996, Klass, Silverman, and Nickman shed light on an important bereavement concept in the book Continuing Bonds: New Understandings of Grief. Their work questioned linear models of grief that are supposed to lead to things like acceptance, detachment, and new life and which view behaviors that promote a continued bond with deceased loved ones as pathological.

Klass and colleagues disagreed with this notion and suggested a paradigm in which it is normal for the bereaved to continue their bond with the deceased. In their work, they observed many cases in which remaining connected to the deceased provided comfort and support in coping with loss and adjustment.

Sound familiar? If not, that's okay. We've written about CB here, here, here, and here, but with over 500 articles, that a very small fraction of what you will find here on WYG. The same goes for other grief literature. So today I want to make a case for why, if you care about one grief concept and one grief concept only, it should be continuing bonds. Not because we believe this idea is prescriptive, but because it brings such a sense of okay-ness and empowerment to people who want to continue their bond with their loved one but who’ve felt they can’t or shouldn’t. Generally speaking, I have four main reasons.

---

1. Continuing bonds acknowledges that grief is ongoing.

I’ve run out of metaphors for saying that grief never ends, so I’ll just tell it straight.  Grief never ends.  Grief isn’t something you go through, it’s something that becomes a part of you. It’s forever.

The good news is, you may find that over time, as make room for grief's necessary existence, it becomes a more peaceful and positive presence. One where warm memories and a connection with your loved one can grow.

---

2. Continuing bonds says that it's normal to stay connected with your loved one.

Not only does CB validate that grief is ongoing, it supports the idea that we, as bereaved people, remain connected with our loved ones, often for our entire lives. We don't detach from them or leave them behind, we carry them with us throughout our lives. Interestingly, Klass and colleagues also found that these relationships are not static. Instead, they evolve and mature right along with us, so that you see and relate to your deceased loved ones through a different lens at 30, 40, 50 and so on.

This is validation that isn’t always found in our broader society, among our friends and family, or even in our own beliefs and attitudes about grief and coping.  So spread the word because if everyone understood this, I think grieving people might feel a little better understood (and a little less crazy).

---

3. Continuing bonds may describe many of your grief-related behaviors.

Holding onto items, daily habits, private rituals, conversations with your loved one, visiting places where you feel close to them, thinking about them... These are all ways people continue bonds with deceased loved ones. These are the behaviors often come naturally to grieving people, but which may have been seen as pathological by past grief models (and society as a whole).

---

4. Continuing bonds says that not only are these behaviors normal, but they may help you cope with grief.

Society is making strides, but many people still believe that staying attached to a deceased loved one is pathological. As a result, many people worry about their CB behaviors and wonder - Is this okay? Does this mean I'm not coping well with grief? Should I be worried? Am I stuck?

Fear not, though, Klass et al (1996) found in their research that remaining connected seemed to facilitate the bereaved’s ability to cope with loss and accompanying changes in their lives. So, do more of them!

Of course, it is important to note that there are instances where continuing a bond with a deceased loved one is not healing. Just as relationships with the living can be complicated, so can relationships with the dead and if the relationship was troubling prior to the death, it may remain so afterward.

Okay, so there you have it. I've made my case; albeit there is so much more to be said on this topic. If you want to learn more about Continuing Bonds, we have a few learning opportunities on the horizon. You can also learn on your own by reading here, here, here, and here.
Credit to: https://whatsyourgrief.com/grief-concept-care-continuing-bonds/

[HisMunchkin]

I still talk to my husband in my head, and sometimes out loud to his ashes. 

[LMR]

Thank you for this. I just posted in "private grief world" about my "ritual". I have been a bit worried and maybe that is why I've been feeling worse. Thinking I shouldn't be doing it has just added to my misery.

[JonathanFive]

Well, like I said in another thread, I am looking to purchase a fingerprint keepsake sometime this week.  Hopefully!!   I also, "finally got another car," so the down payment ya know, might put off plans to get our fingerprint jewelry till after his b-day.

I will always have continuing bonds.  I believe they are healthy - especially if it's your spouse, or child.  Ya know, there's no end to grief, you grow around it - hopefully.  

I was reading a study today that mentioned a possible 45% mortality rate for survivors of severe grief.  That's something.
A lot of people don't have the coping skills.  They are not skills you are born with.

If you have survived your lover, it's taken immense skill and strength.  We should all recognize each other for that

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

That image, above, that says “Yes, this is normal” of the young lady saying goodnight to her dad’s picture is pretty much what I do.  I have a picture of Veronica in the living room that I say good morning to and good night, or leaving the house to run an errand, I’ll be back later, Love you.  Don’t know if that’s healthy in the long run, but I feel right about it.  

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

 Don’t know if that’s healthy in the long run, but I feel right about it.  

It's right for you and that's all that counts!  I, too, have talked to George's picture.  Grief is for life, even though it changes into something more manageable, everyones timetable is different and so is how we handle our grief.  

[shawnt]

I kiss her wedding ring and ashes. I don't talk out loud to her  but I do have an internal dialogue and imagine her reactions to what's going on in life, especially in regards to our kids. I hope that never ends.

[HisMunchkin]

21 minutes ago, shawnt said:

I do have an internal dialogue and imagine her reactions to what's going on in life

Oh hey, I do the same thing!  Although it kind of makes me sad at times - the realization that he's missing all that's happening.  That time goes on without him.  And then when it's a happy incident, I yearn for him to be here to share in the joy.  When it's a not to happy incident, I yearn for him to be here for comfort.      

[KayC]

8 hours ago, shawnt said:

I hope that never ends.

It won't.  Not if 19 years is any comparison...

[JonathanFive]

I thought I wanted a piece of fingerprint jewelry, but the more I think about it, "continuing bonds," means more than a material thing.  And I am actively particpating in continuing bonds in many ways. 

I miss him so much!!

He always liked it if I wore rainbow t-shirts with him, so I bought a couple of new pride shirts.  I've been slowly taking care of the things that are still in pawn, that I/we can get back.  

I burn candles every night.  I pray to God to watch over his soul every night.  I still shave for him.  -- I'm also shaving for myself though too, the stress of grief is enormous, and shaving with the heavy menthol shave cream I like is very calming.

Today I tried very hard to listen to one of his favorite songs in the car, but emotionally I could not get through it.  Maybe one day...

And now I know why people don't necessarily move from their homes once they lose a loved one - I don't have any desire to move, I want to be in the time and place we shared together.  Of course, I cannot go back to the time, but I can be in the place - sort of.   Its a different place.

He's out there in the univerise waiting for me.  A blink of the eye for his limitless spirit, the rest of my lifetime for me.  Ouch

[widow39]

3 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

I don't have any desire to move, I want to be in the time and place we shared together. 

Perfectly put. 

[7779311]

On 2/17/2024 at 7:54 AM, HisMunchkin said:

On 2/17/2024 at 7:18 AM, shawnt said:

I do have an internal dialogue and imagine her reactions to what's going on in life

Me three. I also do this. 

[widower2]

On 2/17/2024 at 10:54 AM, HisMunchkin said:

Oh hey, I do the same thing! 

I suspect most of us do

[WithoutHer]

19 minutes ago, widower2 said:

I suspect most of us do

Tack one more to that activity. 

[Sar123]

I’m not sure if this is the right place to put this, but I read that New Jersey has passed a law that will mandate grades 8- 12 be taught a unit on grief and “coping mechanisms for handling loss.” in their health classes. They said that everyone will experience grief at some point in their lives whether it’s a beloved pet to grandparents/parents, family and friends. I like that they’re doing this and I hope other states will follow. What are your thoughts on this? 

[7779311]

I think it's way overdue. On a related note, there are some also well overdue programs underway in K-8 schools which attempt to address mental health wellness to a similar degree as physical wellness. Some of them are discussed in the "American Tragedy" Netflix documentary featuring Sue Klebold, which I found really interesting. 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, Sar123 said:

What are your thoughts on this? 

It's about time someone do this!

[Griefsucks810]

On 2/11/2024 at 11:18 AM, HisMunchkin said:

I still talk to my husband in my head, and sometimes out loud to his ashes. 

I talk out loud to my husband once in a while. I often wonder if he can actually hear me or not. I think of him briefly each day as I look over at his marble urn in my entertainment center and then go about my day. 

[Griefsucks810]

On 2/22/2024 at 1:20 PM, Sar123 said:

I’m not sure if this is the right place to put this, but I read that New Jersey has passed a law that will mandate grades 8- 12 be taught a unit on grief and “coping mechanisms for handling loss.” in their health classes. They said that everyone will experience grief at some point in their lives whether it’s a beloved pet to grandparents/parents, family and friends. I like that they’re doing this and I hope other states will follow. What are your thoughts on this? 

I think it’s a great idea that New Jersey passed a law which teaches students about what grief is and coping mechanisms to deal with the loss cuz it’s a part of every day life that someone dies. It will also prepare children at a young age to know what grief entails and how to cope with the loss and how they can express their sadness instead of bottling up their feelings. Why was the law passed specifically for students in grades 8-12 to be taught about grief? 

[Sar123]

@Griefsucks810 The law was passed due to people losing family and friends to Covid during the pandemic. I don’t know why they made it for grades 8- 12, but I would think it has to do with the ages of K- 7 and their maturity level. Death and grief may be hard concepts for young kids to grasp. 

[KayC]

I was 14 when I lost my 3 year old nephew and my sisters were brain injured...Donna was his mom and she became quadriplegic and sustained vocal chord injury and Peggy was driving and sustained balance issues for life.  It was a LOT to take in at such a young age, and I took care of everyone from 3 (after school) to 9 when my parents got home from the tavern.  Then I did my homework from 9 to 1 am.  My friends had no clue, it was adult responsibilities.  Combine with my mom's insanity and my dad's drinking...it was easier taking care of my sisters and baby nephew.  He eventually became my brother.

[HisMunchkin]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I was 14 when I lost my 3 year old nephew and my sisters were brain injured...Donna was his mom and she became quadriplegic and sustained vocal chord injury and Peggy was driving and sustained balance issues for life.  It was a LOT to take in at such a young age, and I took care of everyone from 3 (after school) to 9 when my parents got home from the tavern.  Then I did my homework from 9 to 1 am.  My friends had no clue, it was adult responsibilities.  Combine with my mom's insanity and my dad's drinking...it was easier taking care of my sisters and baby nephew.  He eventually became my brother.

Wow, KayC.  I admire your strength and your huge heart!  It must have been rough going through all that and having to take care of everyone.  Bless your heart! ❤️

[widower2]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I was 14 when I lost my 3 year old nephew and my sisters were brain injured...Donna was his mom and she became quadriplegic and sustained vocal chord injury and Peggy was driving and sustained balance issues for life.  It was a LOT to take in at such a young age, and I took care of everyone from 3 (after school) to 9 when my parents got home from the tavern.  Then I did my homework from 9 to 1 am.  My friends had no clue, it was adult responsibilities.  Combine with my mom's insanity and my dad's drinking...it was easier taking care of my sisters and baby nephew.  He eventually became my brother.

You're pretty amazing, you know that? I'm especially impressed when someone like you turns out so well despite plenty of reason to do otherwise.

[KayC]

Thank you.  My sisters and I were each other's support. My mom was especially abusive to me as that was the period of time she was under the most stress. 

[widower2]

4 hours ago, Sar123 said:

@Griefsucks810 The law was passed due to people losing family and friends to Covid during the pandemic. I don’t know why they made it for grades 8- 12, but I would think it has to do with the ages of K- 7 and their maturity level. Death and grief may be hard concepts for young kids to grasp. 

Exactly. Wow a common sense class in schools, what's up with that? Next thing you know they'll be teaching home finance basics. 

[KayC]

They did in my high school.  It was the smartest thing they ever did! Especially since I was stupid enough to marry at 17. Nuts!

[widower2]

Wow not mine.  Mind you I'm all for the math, history, science etc, but cmon work some stuff in there that's practical. 

[7779311]

Everybody in my school- boys & girls- had to do a shop & home economics rotation. Shop was metal, wood, & drafting. Home ec was cooking, sewing & something else I can't remember. Not as forward looking as backward looking for the time period, but at least there was an effort. 

[widower2]

Oh yeah we had shop and home ec. Hey let's make a birdhouse and learn how to sew.......pretty ridiculous to make that mandatory! 

[KayC]

9 hours ago, widower2 said:

Wow not mine.  Mind you I'm all for the math, history, science etc, but cmon work some stuff in there that's practical. 

To me that's very practical, the next year these kids will be on their own, wishing they knew how to budget, pay bills, etc.

[HisMunchkin]

13 hours ago, widower2 said:

Exactly. Wow a common sense class in schools, what's up with that? Next thing you know they'll be teaching home finance basics. 

I was thinking the same - basic finance should also be taught.  But then that might influence the next generation's spending habits and that might not be very good for "the economy".

[HisMunchkin]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

12 hours ago, widower2 said:

Wow not mine.  Mind you I'm all for the math, history, science etc, but cmon work some stuff in there that's practical. 

To me that's very practical, the next year these kids will be on their own, wishing they knew how to budget, pay bills, etc.

The problem is, algebra and calculus doesn't easily translate to budgeting, paying bills, saving money etc.  I mean, it helps knowing basic calculations, but it doesn't teach one the importance of saving money, or how banking works, or taxes.  For many, they should at least be taught how credit cards work, and how you end up paying even more if you buy more than what you can afford at any one time.  But that's just my take on the issue.       

[Griefsucks810]

16 hours ago, 7779311 said:

Everybody in my school- boys & girls- had to do a shop & home economics rotation. Shop was metal, wood, & drafting. Home ec was cooking, sewing & something else I can't remember. Not as forward looking as backward looking for the time period, but at least there was an effort. 

Those were the good old days!! 

[KayC]

6 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

But then that might influence the next generation's spending habits and that might not be very good for "the economy".

Do you worry about how your spending habits affect the economy?  I don't.  They don't worry about it when they set their outrageous prices!

6 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

The problem is, algebra and calculus doesn't easily translate to budgeting, paying bills, saving money etc.  I mean, it helps knowing basic calculations, but it doesn't teach one the importance of saving money, or how banking works, or taxes.  For many, they should at least be taught how credit cards work, and how you end up paying even more if you buy more than what you can afford at any one time.  But that's just my take on the issue.       

They taught us this in high school.  It helped us more than the rest.  We had an elderly teacher, Miss Zelda Hays.  She knew a thing or two.

[HisMunchkin]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

Do you worry about how your spending habits affect the economy?  I don't.  They don't worry about it when they set their outrageous prices!

Lol  Me neither.  But I wonder if that's why there's not more encouragement in the education system for kids to save and spend less or spend within their means.

 

3 hours ago, KayC said:

They taught us this in high school.  It helped us more than the rest.  We had an elderly teacher, Miss Zelda Hays.  She knew a thing or two.

You're lucky.  We didn't get that kind of education.  Just math, science, history, geography, computer science, languages.  We did take home economics, but that was focused on sewing and cooking.  We also had shop - woodworking and working with metal.  And music - pick an instrument.  And gym.  That was it.  

Oh and typing.  This was before computers, which we were taught in high school.

[widower2]

40 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

Lol  Me neither.  But I wonder if that's why there's not more encouragement in the education system for kids to save and spend less or spend within their means.

Again I'm all for that, but tbh first and foremost that's something parents should be teaching their kids.

[Griefsucks810]

4 hours ago, KayC said:

Do you worry about how your spending habits affect the economy?  I don't.  They don't worry about it when they set their outrageous prices!

They taught us this in high school.  It helped us more than the rest.  We had an elderly teacher, Miss Zelda Hays.  She knew a thing or two.

I agree with you that they don’t worry about people’s spending habits when they set their outrageous princes !! 

[Griefsucks810]

1 hour ago, HisMunchkin said:

Lol  Me neither.  But I wonder if that's why there's not more encouragement in the education system for kids to save and spend less or spend within their means.

 

You're lucky.  We didn't get that kind of education.  Just math, science, history, geography, computer science, languages.  We did take home economics, but that was focused on sewing and cooking.  We also had shop - woodworking and working with metal.  And music - pick an instrument.  And gym.  That was it.  

Oh and typing.  This was before computers, which we were taught in high school.

Those were the good old days when our generation went to school!! Our generation’s  educational curriculum was very enriched and challenging.  The teachers back in the day gave us vigorous class work lessons to complete and all homework assignments were to be fully completed and signed by our mother or our father.  I loved home economics class cuz we got to cook food and bake pastries. I also liked going to my typing class while I was in high school and the teacher was drunk everyday while he taught us how to use our typewriter.  I don’t know how he taught class everyday while being drunk. 

[HisMunchkin]

16 hours ago, widower2 said:

Again I'm all for that, but tbh first and foremost that's something parents should be teaching their kids.

Assuming that the parents also are good with money.  But what if a kid is unfortunate enough to have parents who aren't?  

 

15 hours ago, Griefsucks810 said:

I also liked going to my typing class while I was in high school and the teacher was drunk everyday while he taught us how to use our typewriter.  I don’t know how he taught class everyday while being drunk. 

😅 

[widower2]

11 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

Assuming that the parents also are good with money.  But what if a kid is unfortunate enough to have parents who aren't?  

Fair point!