How to stop the torment of the "what ifs"

[weswej]

I haven't been able to shut out the agony of the "what ifs" since my husband died. What if I had just made him go to the doctor when he first complained five months before the cancer took him? Would it still have been too late? What if I had been more forceful in getting him to talk to me about his feelings in the weeks we both knew the end was near but pretended there was hope? Could I have provided more comfort to him? The list goes on...

I know everyone's list of "what ifs" is different depending on the circumstances, but how do you keep from uselessly punishing yourself for things that can't be undone? Intellectually, I realize I did the best I could at the time. Emotionally, I relive that time over and over and feel that I let him down in so many ways. Does that particular part of grief ever loosen its claws? 

[widower2]

Gradually it should, yes. Grief and guilt are old dance partners. I guess we feel guilty because they suffered and died while we're still here, so we feel some instinctive need to punish ourselves, even though it's not our fault. It's good that you realize you did the best you could. Try to keep that rational part of yourself pushing the irrational part that wants to hurt you. Easier said than done of course...

[KayC]

What ifs is something we all seem to experience to some extent or another. Try to keep in mind, though that feelings are not facts and we did our best. They are adults and we can't force them to do anything they don't want to do. I felt the same, telling myself I should have been more forceful about getting him to switch doctors. I had suggested it, but...

[Marq]

What if I had gone with her to her doctors?  What if I had lent my car to our daughter so I didn’t leave the house? What if I had demanded she be given an event heart monitor? We lived in separate homes, what if I had demanded she stay in my home?  When she didn’t answer the phone, what if I had gone over immediately?  What if I had been a better man, husband, friend?  What if she never met me, would she be alive and happy?  
 

i can not stop the what ifs.  I’ve been told they get better but sometimes never go away

[JonathanFive]

Everything with grief seems to have so many responses and reasons that could all be, "correct and incorrect."  It is like no other issue in life that I've ever experienced. Almost everything I have struggled with, previously in life, has been a problem or issue that likely had a solution. There's no solution to the issue of grief - because who we are grieving will not be coming back.

So what are these what ifs?  What am I doing when I go through them?  Am I trying to reconcile fate, find a way to alter time? Am I ruminating?  Why is my mind running wild, and what is dragging me out of the present moment?
 

"what ifs" are upsetting me as well.  I fall into them a bunch

[ThereIsAField]

One of the strange parts of my grief was how the more "child" thinking parts of my brain got activated. The emotional thinking totally took over.

I think to some degree, the "what ifs" for me were part of what's called "magical thinking" in children. That part of my brain really thought that if I could find out "what I did wrong" then I could somehow "magically fix it" and then... his death would be... undone...??

I think my brain (in subconscious self-protection mode) was in a kind of denial, trying to stave off having to truly believe and truly accept that he'd passed away. I desperately wanted there to be some kind of (impossible) magical thing I could do to make it all not have happened the way it did.

The radical acceptance of: I did my best, he did his best, it was an impossible situation and he passed away... is still something I'm working on years later.

[Roxeanne]

2 hours ago, ThereIsAField said:

. I desperately wanted there to be some kind of (impossible) magical thing I could do to make it all not have happened the way it did.

That's the way it worked for me too! It was magical and the impossible had to be possible...it's a way for my  "child brain"  to protect myself from the harsh reality...! And it was wonderful...soften my hard pain for a while, even made me believe he was not dead he was hiding somewhere and that illusion made me feel a real relief!

And then i found out that i was not crazy and i was not alone...i read "the year of magical thinking" of Joan Didion.

I think that" magical thinking "help me to pass through the worst moment in my life!

[KayC]

I remember in those early days pretending he was away on a trip.  But of course on a trip he would call...

[ThereIsAField]

2 hours ago, Roxeanne said:

"the year of magical thinking" of Joan Didion.

Yes!
Here's an interview by Joan Didion about that book...

https://charlierose.com/videos/18264

[DWS]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I remember in those early days pretending he was away on a trip.  But of course on a trip he would call...

That was something I did too. Tom was an avid runner so I made believe that he was just out on one of his long runs. What's remarkable back in those early days, Tom's daughter mentioned to me that her four year old son said "it's like Grandpa is out running right now". She and I both wanted to believe that her little boy was right. 

[Sar123]

@weswej When I would get the “what ifs” playing in my head, the only way I can stop it is saying to myself “I can’t change the outcome even though I wish I could.”  I am going down the “what if “ road less frequently now because I know where it will end- I can’t change the outcome. 
 

14 hours ago, KayC said:

They are adults and we can't force them to do anything they don't want to do

Exactly this. Even though my husband’s doctor told him his symptoms were from old age, I kept telling him his indigestion and belching was not normal and he needed to make another appointment with his doctor, but he wanted to wait and see if his symptoms would improve or go away. 

12 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

Everything with grief seems to have so many responses and reasons that could all be, "correct and incorrect.

A story popped up on my newsfeed yesterday about a man who got a call from his dad’s cell phone. He was surprised because his dad had passed away 3 years ago. It turned out his mother has kept his dad’s phone and was calling from it. He went on to say, “grief never goes away,” and “grief always calls you back.”  This is so true for me. 

[weswej]

1 hour ago, Sar123 said:

@weswej When I would get the “what ifs” playing in my head, the only way I can stop it is saying to myself “I can’t change the outcome even though I wish I could.”  I am going down the “what if “ road less frequently now because I know where it will end- I can’t change the outcome. 
 

 

That seems a useful strategy to me. Adopt a mantra like your saying "I can't change the outcome even though I wish I could." I'll have to think on what would be a good mantra for me and employ it to drown out the wail of the "what ifs" in my head. Thank you.

 

[Griefsucks810]

On 2/9/2024 at 5:28 PM, weswej said:

I haven't been able to shut out the agony of the "what ifs" since my husband died. What if I had just made him go to the doctor when he first complained five months before the cancer took him? Would it still have been too late? What if I had been more forceful in getting him to talk to me about his feelings in the weeks we both knew the end was near but pretended there was hope? Could I have provided more comfort to him? The list goes on...

I know everyone's list of "what ifs" is different depending on the circumstances, but how do you keep from uselessly punishing yourself for things that can't be undone? Intellectually, I realize I did the best I could at the time. Emotionally, I relive that time over and over and feel that I let him down in so many ways. Does that particular part of grief ever loosen its claws? 

I just recently stopped punishing myself for feeling guilty about the “what ifs.”  There’s nothing you could have done to change the outcome cuz the Cancer was probably too advanced in his body.
 It took me 4 years to overcome this particular part of my grief; I came to terms with myself that all of the “what ifs,” could have, should have been and the whys all died with my husband.  Hopefully it wont take you as long as it took me.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

20 hours ago, KayC said:

I remember in those early days pretending he was away on a trip.  But of course on a trip he would call...

Last few days I have found myself waiting for Veronica to call me and tell me to come pick her up from the hospital and bring her home.  That feeling last for a few seconds and then I remember she can’t do that anymore.  😪

[HisMunchkin]

I don't know if this will help anyone else, but any sense of guilt from finding potential faults on my part in hindsight, I would talk to my husband and tell him that, "I am so very sorry.  I wish I had....[insert all sorts of things that I felt I had done wrong]..." and to "Please forgive me."  Just to let it all out.  

[ThereIsAField]

13 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

I don't know if this will help anyone else, but any sense of guilt from finding potential faults on my part in hindsight, I would talk to my husband and tell him that, "I am so very sorry.  I wish I had....[insert all sorts of things that I felt I had done wrong]..." and to "Please forgive me."  Just to let it all out.  

That's a great idea too. I can see that helping.

[WithoutHer]

11 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

Last few days I have found myself waiting for Veronica to call me and tell me to come pick her up from the hospital and bring her home.  That feeling last for a few seconds and then I remember she can’t do that anymore.  😪

Today it is one year since I lost Vickie and I woke with that same feeling. That phone call to come pick her up she's ready to come home. But the 4 o'clock hour is pending when I got the dreaded phone call instead. A moment in time that will never let go as sitting on the bed holding her hand as she took her last breath. A few months ago I thought today would be filled with tears but instead I have just felt numb filled with sadness all day. 😔

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

15 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

I would talk to my husband and tell him that, "I am so very sorry.  I wish I had....[insert all sorts of things that I felt I had done wrong]..." and to "Please forgive me."  Just to let it all out.  

I have done that a few nights in the past, just telling Veronica I am sorry for not being able to take care of her anymore, not being able to bring her home.  

[I miss you so much]

Good topic, the "ifs"...

For me, there's no reason to try to stop it. I feel really guilty for many "ifs".

But the thing is that, anyway, at that time, we acted as we acted because of what we knew at that time and our limitations at that time.

I feel exactly like you, I know I've let him down.

Yesterday it was 1 year and a half without him and during this time, I've been thinking, analyzing and finally understanding what I haven't understood in our 12 years relationship.

My 'ifs" go even to the first day I saw him...

I understand you. If we could only go back in time and do things differently...

[weswej]

56 minutes ago, I miss you so much said:

Good topic, the "ifs"...

For me, there's no reason to try to stop it. I feel really guilty for many "ifs".

But the thing is that, anyway, at that time, we acted as we acted because of what we knew at that time and our limitations at that time.

I feel exactly like you, I know I've let him down.

Yesterday it was 1 year and a half without him and during this time, I've been thinking, analyzing and finally understanding what I haven't understood in our 12 years relationship.

My 'ifs" go even to the first day I saw him...

I understand you. If we could only go back in time and do things differently...

I understand you as well. I'm just over 2 years into being without him, and I'm still caught in that vicious and useless cycle of regret that I could somehow have changed things. Someone suggested that when these thoughts intrude to just keep telling yourself that you did the best you could at the time, and the past is not under your control (paraphrasing here.) My mantra is,  

"You can't change what happened; life is not fair. Honor the love you had with him."

So far, if I say it loud enough in my head, it sometimes crowds out the bad thoughts and gives me a little peace from the "what ifs."

[KayC]

2 hours ago, weswej said:

"You can't change what happened; life is not fair. Honor the love you had with him."

This is good to remind yourself of.

[Griefsucks810]

On 2/9/2024 at 8:00 PM, Marq said:

What if I had gone with her to her doctors?  What if I had lent my car to our daughter so I didn’t leave the house? What if I had demanded she be given an event heart monitor? We lived in separate homes, what if I had demanded she stay in my home?  When she didn’t answer the phone, what if I had gone over immediately?  What if I had been a better man, husband, friend?  What if she never met me, would she be alive and happy?  
 

i can not stop the what ifs.  I’ve been told they get better but sometimes never go away

So sorry for the loss of your wife. Plz you must stop tormenting yourself with the “whatifs” as well as the guilt you’ve been carrying for so long.  
I know what it’s like first hand to live with an immense amount of guilt and the what ifs when I received a phone call from our roommate at the time who told me that my husband died. I felt guilty and devastated for nearly 3 years for not being home when he died and also felt that had I been home I would have been able to save him he’d still be alive today.
 As far as the what ifs, I had many unanswered questions with no explanation to date pertaining to the circumstances  which led up to my husband’s death on 8/21/19.  What if I would have been home with him on 8/21/19 would he still be alive today? What if I had been more persistent and took him to the heart doctor would the dr have told him what his life expectancy would be?  What if I would have “302” my husband and taken him to a drug treatment center would he have overcame his heroin addiction?  What if I would have left him like I said I was gonna do cuz I could no longer stand by and watch helplessly as my husband used heroin everyday where would we be today? Would he have stopped using heroin on his own? Would I have really left my husband or stayed married to him knowing I couldn’t handle him using heroin everyday?  What if our roommate at the time would have administered narcan to my husband immediately would the narcan have reversed him from overdosing?  What if the detective assigned to my husband’s death case had further investigated and surveilled our roommate for a period of time would he have been held accountable and subsequently arrested for the death of my husband? Would the roommate had been convicted of causing my husband’s death and given a lengthy prison sentence?  What if i was denied to receive social security disability benefits back in 2019 what would have become of me cuz I didn’t have a job when he died and I became homeless after he died.   What if my husband didn’t have life insurance when he died how would I have been able to have him cremated?  What if the Cumberland county NJ prosecutor’s office would have conducted an investigation to find out the name of the dealer who sold my husband a fentanyl laced bag of heroin would someone would have came forward and gave the name of the drug dealer? Would there have been enough evidence and probable cause to arrest the drug dealer and charge him with lacing my husbands bag of heroin with fentanyl along with other drug related charges?  It was only till recently that I accepted my husband’s death for how it happened and fully accepted that all of the what ifs, could haves, should have been and should not haves could not change my husband’s fate as well as how he died cuz it was God’s decision to take him from me on 8/21/19.  In time you’ll stop thinking of all the what ifs and the guilt.