The private grief world

[WithoutHer]

Tonight I got triggered by a Voyager episode. It wasn't even over any character death just the sense of loss the episode presented. My emotions are becoming very sensitive to the subject of loss in general. I've also realized when I select something to watch I have been avoiding comedies of any kind. I don't know what this means but I know I don't want to be psychoanalyzed to find out.

[KayC]

Psychoanalyze all they want, they'd have a hard time doing it with grief!  

[Bou]

On 7/20/2024 at 12:21 PM, WithoutHer said:

Today is Vickie's Birthday and that meloncoly has set in deep. She is buried in Alabama and I can't visit her. I don't know I ever will be able to until the day my ashes are spread on her grave. She often shared a saying that her grandfather, who helped raise her, would say. "When you stop moving you stop living". Unfortunately that's exactly what I've done since the day she passed. All my sinus and congestion are bad enough to keep me from being around people but I am also paying the price of not moving. It doesn't matter that I get more than enough protein if you don't use it you lose it. I know Vickie wouldn't want me to be this way but I am lost and overwhelmed in that world of my purpose in life has been completed. I'm here to care for beloved animals as best and as long as I can. As long as I can get around well enough to do the daily requirements, get the mail, haul the trash can to the road etc that's good enough. Yeah it's a day of reflection. Prior to COVID I would be taking her to one of her two Mountain View Diner locations and she would be having whatever she felt like for the day and definitely an order of crab stuffed mushrooms. The memories and conversations lose details but the images and locations of sharing our lives together do not fade.

Vickie I love you with all my heart. Happy 63rd Birthday.

You need to work on getting yourself healthy and get a hold on the sinus and congestion.  Move a little each day.  Do what you can but do.  Each day you will get stronger. I don't think your purpose in life has been completed at all.  We can't know that.  I bet you didn't know you would make a difference in a strangers life today from them just reading your words.   

I feel like I am losing memories of him and I needed to hear what you wrote about taking your loved one to favorite places and eating favorite foods.  It brought me back to what I needed.  I think your Vickie would want you to make the best of your life.  I think they want us to do that.  We are going to need tons of things to talk about when we do reunite someday in someway with them.  ( whatever you believe)

"The memories and conversations lose details but the images and locations of sharing our lives together do not fade."  I really needed to hear this so thank you.  

Trash day for me today.....bluck!!!

[WithoutHer]

@Bou I understand where you coming from. As far as my sinuses there's nothing to be done even my doc has surrendered. It's just the accumulation of years of infections and none of the drugs being effective any longer. I've had far too many antibiotics in my lifetime. I have almost zero sense of smell for these reasons which is a big part of my taste problems. But that's currently improving a little after having lost it quite some time ago due to a minor bout with COVID. Eating is still a forced issue and I rely on high calorie boost drinks and my insulin to keep my weight up. Actually have gained a couple pounds after the weight loss of losing Vickie.

I know I have to move and I stated myself I know Vickie wouldn't want me this way.

I'm glad my words struck you the way they did. It makes me feel good expressing my own experience helped someone.

I've been having the memory issues since day one and have previously expressed it here.

I'm now dealing with the stress of getting new neighbors upstairs. This will make 10 changes in 14 years. It's like a revolving door and always requires some personal adjustment. 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Going through some boxes that have been buried for some time, forgot what I was even looking for.  Found another treasure trove of pictures from the mid to late 70’s.  Found a packet of pictures from April, July, and August of 1975.  Those months cover Veronica’s bridal showers, when I arrived in El Paso from Hawaii for our wedding, an engagement party delayed because I was in Pearl Harbor, and from April a picture of Veronica at the county courthouse with my dad as my proxy to get our legal marriage certificate so I could start drawing married pay to set up our living situation ahead of our wedding.  

I started wondering why we never went through these pictures over the last few years.  There are quite a few I need Veronica to explain to me the time period or what actually was taking place.  But, she is no longer here to make me smarter about the pictures.  I guess the last 20 years we were busy taking care of her and trying to do things out of the house, going places as much as possible.  Weeks filled with medical appointments and follow-ups and the occasional hospital stay.  So many memories.  

[KayC]

Rey, we get busy with our lives as they unfold...I am still kicking myself for having lost my wedding ring but have literally looked EVERYWHERE and...nada.  I'm wondering if my overnighter came open a bit on the street getting it out of the car and we closed it, not realizing it had fallen out.  That be the case, it's gone for good.  Esp. in that area of town. These are nice apts but a LOT of people go by...just this week one started a fire in a trash bin and it took out a cell tower.  It's near Autzen Stadium, tons of traffic, foot and vehicle.

I have pictures of George's family I wish I'd written down, I guess I always thought we'd have tomorrow...but tomorrow came w/o him.

[DWS]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

I guess I always thought we'd have tomorrow...

I don't think we should ever regret living that way. I never thought of myself as a "live for today/ live for the moment" type of person. Life can present all of these challenges and creates so many worries and concerns.  I always wondered if I was really allowing myself to enjoy life amidst those challenges but my grief seems to be letting me know that I actually was/am. 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Halfheartedly scrolling through FB and I came across some pictures of a retired couple of friends, whom Veronica and I have known since the mid 80’s, on vacation in London, UK.  I suddenly felt a wave of jealousy wash over me, almost angered that they can go on great trips like that and Veronica and I are no longer able to.  I didn’t like that feeling and I had to tell myself that it’s okay, we had our time to go places and we did as much as we could.  We enjoyed several ship’s reunions since 2014 where Veronica always had a blast, specially the reunions in Las Vegas because it meant we could visit her cousin and her partner who live there.  So, we had our time to travel, until it ended.  It still hurts, though.  

[Cath61]

3 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

 I suddenly felt a wave of jealousy wash over me, almost angered that they can go on great trips like that and Veronica and I are no longer able to.

I completely understand this and feel exactly the same way.  Especially (for me) when I see couples holding hands.  My husband held my hand always...for almost 35 years.  Just not fair.

3 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

Halfheartedly scrolling through FB and I came across some pictures of a retired couple of friends, whom Veronica and I have known since the mid 80’s, on vacation in London, UK.  I suddenly felt a wave of jealousy wash over me, almost angered that they can go on great trips like that and Veronica and I are no longer able to.  I didn’t like that feeling and I had to tell myself that it’s okay, we had our time to go places and we did as much as we could.  We enjoyed several ship’s reunions since 2014 where Veronica always had a blast, specially the reunions in Las Vegas because it meant we could visit her cousin and her partner who live there.  So, we had our time to travel, until it ended.  It still hurts, though.  

 

[Adriennelc]

On 7/24/2024 at 5:15 AM, WithoutHer said:

Tonight I got triggered by a Voyager episode. It wasn't even over any character death just the sense of loss the episode presented. My emotions are becoming very sensitive to the subject of loss in general. I've also realized when I select something to watch I have been avoiding comedies of any kind. I don't know what this means but I know I don't want to be psychoanalyzed to find out.

I don't know if this will help you or not.  I am a few months ahead of you with the loss of my Mr Wonderful.  Around the 8/9 months after Ken died I was similar to you, very sensitive about everything and similarly again I didn't want to be analysed by experts or would be experts.  My pain has started to ease a bit and my tears are less.  I've accepted my loss and now look at the blank canvass ahead of me - with this comes the reality.

 

[KayC]

43 minutes ago, Cath61 said:

Just not fair.

Nope, nothing fair about this.  Ask any of us.  What's fair about them suffering and dying and missing out on life with us while others get their spouse well into their 90s!

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

19 hours ago, Adriennelc said:

I've accepted my loss and now look at the blank canvass ahead of me - with this comes the reality.

I think I am working on this idea that you put down so well.  I am still accepting the reality of my loss, not quite completely yet.  Does one ever accept it totally and completely?  But the blank canvass ahead scares me in that I still feel like I don’t want to do anything there without my bride.  The Reality…sucks!

[Adriennelc]

59 minutes ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

I think I am working on this idea that you put down so well.  I am still accepting the reality of my loss, not quite completely yet.  Does one ever accept it totally and completely?  But the blank canvass ahead scares me in that I still feel like I don’t want to do anything there without my bride.  The Reality…sucks!

It sure does Rey.

[KayC]

It's been a crazy day. A lady said it's okay to mow and evacuation is lifted, umm, not it's not! Posted the link to where the county shows it. Called fire dept, haven't heard back, spent an hour on it, but it doesn't seem to me you can do something that could cause a spark, a little common sense!  It's in the 90s.

Iris home for two days, leaving again, she has lung issues from cancer and can't take the smoke, mask or no mask.

Kodie panted hard yesterday and today from the smoke, even though we went on half walks, not taking him again, will just take him in the yard, he was clearly distressed.  I tried one of my masks on him, umm, no!     Air is nearly 600.

 

 

[WithoutHer]

If you've ever seen the show Alone in the History channel you'll know what I mean. I've been watching this show since it began I'm interested in the clever things these people make to help in their survival. They are literally alone out there and do their own video recording. Until tonight for reasons I don't know this never hit. There are some who are doing well the whole survival thing yet they tap out for one and one reason only. They can no longer stand the loneliness and miss their family. I've been watching since before and after Vickie passed but never hit me.

That's exactly what I and WE feel BUT we can't tap out and go home.

 

[Gail 8588]

WithoutHer, 

I have seen that show. All of the participants are coming from very desperate financial circumstances and the prize money is sort of a last chance to provide for their families. They are all very committed to being the last contestant standing.  Some contestants tap out due to injury, some are taken out by the show because they are starving or ill.  But like you say some tap out because the loneliness becomes unbearable.  

I agree with you that the anguish they exhibit, from the absence of their loved ones, seems very similar to what we grievers experience.   We just don't  have the option to tap out and be taken back to our loved ones and our former life. 

I never made that connection until you just pointed it out. 

 

[AJ4]

 

Quote

 I suddenly felt a wave of jealousy wash over me, almost angered that they can go on great trips like that and Veronica and I are no longer able to.  I didn’t like that feeling and I had to tell myself that it’s okay, we had our time to go places and we did as much as we could.

Quote

 

I have felt the same way many times.  Anger, jealousy, envy... all of those feelings that I then feel guilty about being mad over someone's happiness.  But I guess it is a part of grieving we don't really get to avoid.   

I have watched all of the Alone shows.  I find it amazing that anyone lasts alone.  I am not a fan of discomfort, and I'd probably tap out the first time I got hungry (or more likely, not even sign up to try).   But those people are losing dangerous amounts of body weight or trying to ignore potentially dangerous injuries in the effort to be the final survivor.   Just astounding. 

[AJ4]

As far as tapping out due to loneliness, I definitely see the connection there.   How many times I have silently begged my husband to come back to me, that I can't do this anymore, that I am done with these feelings.  Of course, that can't happen, because he died, but still, I did it.  

[KayC]

I have too, but not just lonely, but lonely for HIM.  

[RichS]

As strange as this may sound, these days I don't feel LONELY (have my son, friends and family), but I do feel ALONE (having to go through life without Chris. We were like a team making life decisions together). Now I face every decision by myself. Also, we were a comfort to one another.

[KayC]

Totally, I get it.

[Adriennelc]

4 hours ago, AJ4 said:

As far as tapping out due to loneliness, I definitely see the connection there.   How many times I have silently begged my husband to come back to me, that I can't do this anymore, that I am done with these feelings.  Of course, that can't happen, because he died, but still, I did it.  

I don't do it silently - I scream and shout, call him all the names under the sun for leaving me.  I'm not as bad as I was at the start - I was completely unhinged.

[DWS]

With the topic of aloneness, I'm getting a clearer understanding why I need and like my quiet mornings. Something that I had learned about years ago is that there is an importance to those first moments after wakening. A person can find some clarity within that short time period of grogginess and not being quite alert. It can be an interesting moment of each day because it's at that time when we're least distracted. There is the suggestion that we always keep a pen and paper on the nightstand to catch an opportunity to write down a thought first thing in the morning that might be important. It's not something that I've been very good at and there have been plenty of times a little later on in the morning where I try to remember that thought and wished that I had written it down!

So now without my partner beside me in the bed, it really has become a time of total aloneness in the morning. He's not here to distract me from those first moments of thought when I wake up. I've never been one to put on the tv or radio first thing because I do like the quiet of the morning. Without those distractions and if I stay away from going online, I'm not bringing new information into my mind. In this scenario. I'm able to focus and process everything that's already stored which is something I've learned that my grief needs. It's also a time when I can better recall my dreams from the night before which can be vitally important as well.  There's often a message sent to me there. 

[WithoutHer]

I had another incident with the show Alone. One of the contestants struggling with getting food successfully caught several fish during a day. While he was showing his prize to the camera he made the comments generally meaning none of this success matters catching a fish building a shelter starting a fire cooking a meal when you're alone and there's no one to share it with. Again unlike us he can tap out but what he said broke me down because it hit home so hard.

[RichS]

On 8/3/2024 at 8:42 AM, DWS said:

I'm getting a clearer understanding why I need and like my quiet mornings. Something that I had learned about years ago is that there is an importance to those first moments after wakening. A person can find some clarity within that short time period of grogginess and not being quite alert.

Yes, I'm finding out over the last several months that the quietness of being alone right after breakfast gives you the best time to think and reflect; before the responsibilities of the day start to distract you.

[KayC]

Yes, being alone all the time gets old.

[JonathanFive]

I think human beings are lonely.  That's what makes us social, it also makes us love.  If humans weren't lonely, why would we talk to each other in the first place.  How would we long for each other.

Even with him gone, I feel less lonely, almost never alone, cause we were together, in some way will always be forever connected, perhaps on a level beyond all understanding.

I'm lonely, the lonelyness will probably get me early.  That son of gun's a coming

[ImMomma]

On 8/15/2024 at 11:54 PM, WithoutHer said:

I had another incident with the show Alone. One of the contestants struggling with getting food successfully caught several fish during a day. While he was showing his prize to the camera he made the comments generally meaning none of this success matters catching a fish building a shelter starting a fire cooking a meal when you're alone and there's no one to share it with. Again unlike us he can tap out but what he said broke me down because it hit home so hard.

I have never seen this show, but it sounds terrible!    Being alone is terrifying at times.  There were times I actually felt better when John was in the hospital because he was being taken care of  and I didnt have to be on alert for falls or sickness & I didnt have to take care of him.  When I had the flu and only had to care for myself and the dogs I waa relaxed.   But then when he came home & I missed him and wanted him home, the reality of what was coming hit me hard & then I felt guilty.     

The TV Show is not realistic, it seems to me.  And very sad - like watching a train wreck.    

I am having a bad night.  Scared & crying and trying to fight off panic.  Not succeeding very well.    Feeling very much Alone.  

[Gail 8588]

I enjoyed aspects of  the few episodes of Alone that I watched. The people are remarkably resourceful. 

It did strike me as sort of unethical.  If you can believe the story line presented,  (which may be pure fiction),  the people are portrayed as being quite desperate to win the money due to tragic personal circumstances. 

Only one person can win, so all the other desperate people are risking their health, perhaps their lives,  for no return.  Seems pretty  cringeworthy as entertainment.

[WithoutHer]

Just wow. I am who I am and this will be said. I posted about feelings relating to a contestant. The show is real and people end up in hospital attempting it.

I'm now apprehensive about sharing any triggers here again. I could have tagged a target for this message but we all have our issues. I don't need criticism.

It will be awhile if ever before I post again.

[KayC]

7 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

It will be awhile if ever before I post again.

 I certainly hope that is not the case as you are one of my favorite posters!  

I haven't watched Alone but I see no reason why a t.v. show would become a point of contention...we all have different tastes and opinions about them!  I'm I'd bore you all to death with what I watch with Kodie...mostly Seinfeld or Everybody Loves Raymond reruns!  

[RichS]

8 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

It will be awhile if ever before I post again.

No, I wouldn't do that. We all have our own opinions and that's all they are. This board has benefited you and all of us as well. We would be hurting ourselves if any one of us left.....................

[WithoutHer]

@KayC @RichS It's not really about the show which I could however defend by how it's produced. It's the responses focus on the show and almost ignoring the point how I was triggered by a contestants words which I believe every one of us living alone could relate to. But I felt no companion empathy in return. It stung and was unexpected and I was so upset I made the choice  by pm to let them both know. My comfort zone honestly feels broken. It may be my emotions over reacting but it's going to take some reflecting on my part. We are built differently including our emotions. I don't think I'm being immature for being honest. There's some saying that goes something like: "I may not remember what you said but I'll never forget how you made me feel" 

[AJ4]

I'm sure some of the shows I love other people think are terrible and vice versa.  It's ok.  I don't believe reality TV is really really real despite what people say.  It's still TV.  

[AJ4]

Sorry, I posted at the same time.  I do think people understand and care about feeling very alone.  I know I do.  Sometimes the caring doesn't come through in typing as well as we wish it would.  

[Gail 8588]

13 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

Just wow. I am who I am and this will be said. I posted about feelings relating to a contestant. The show is real and people end up in hospital attempting it.

I'm now apprehensive about sharing any triggers here again. I could have tagged a target for this message but we all have our issues. I don't need criticism.

It will be awhile if ever before I post again.

Withouther, 

I am so sorry you  felt unheard in this thread and that my comments made you feel unheard.  It was not about the show being good or bad, or real or fake, it was about how the show triggered your feelings of loneliness, loss and grief. 

I referred to triggers as trap doors.  I would be barely managing to engage in semi-normal life when I would be blindsided by some trigger that would leave me sobbing and feeling like I couldn't  go on without my love.  I would fall through the 'trap door' and be inconsolable for a period of time. 

It makes sense that the unbearable loneliness of the contestants on Alone could trigger your feelings of grief. 

I hope you will feel secure here to share your feelings.  We do care.

 

[WithoutHer]

30 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

Withouther, 

I am so sorry you  felt unheard in this thread and that my comments made you feel unheard.  It was not about the show being good or bad, or real or fake, it was about how the show triggered your feelings of loneliness, loss and grief. 

I referred to triggers as trap doors.  I would be barely managing to engage in semi-normal life when I would be blindsided by some trigger that would leave me sobbing and feeling like I couldn't  go on without my love.  I would fall through the 'trap door' and be inconsolable for a period of time. 

It makes sense that the unbearable loneliness of the contestants on Alone could trigger your feelings of grief. 

I hope you will feel secure here to share your feelings.  We do care.

 

I need time to collect my myself together.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

Flying to TX tomorrow to visit Veronica’s family and my sisters.  Our sons both asked me if I was excited to go see family and go to El Paso to visit.  After a few seconds I told them both that no, I was not excited.  I am not excited to go on this trip to see family without Veronica going with me.  I told them I am going because I have to do something for myself, something to break me out of this hold I have placed on myself of not wanting to do anything without their mom with me on the trip.  It was 49 years ago in August of 1975 that I last flew into El Paso, TX, by myself.  At that time I had just arrived from the Submarine Base in Pearl Harbor for our wedding.  Veronica was at the airport to greet me.  Not this time, never again will she greet me at the airport, at home, or anywhere, in this life.  Sucks!  

Adriennelc mentioned the blank canvas that is front of us.  I’m stepping out onto that canvas, against my desires, but I have to do it.  

[KayC]

 

7 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

But I felt no companion empathy in return.

On 8/16/2024 at 4:06 AM, KayC said:

Yes, being alone all the time gets old.

??? What are my words?

[KayC]

On 8/16/2024 at 1:29 AM, RichS said:

Yes, I'm finding out over the last several months that the quietness of being alone right after breakfast gives you the best time to think and reflect; before the responsibilities of the day start to distract you.

And this...

[Sar123]

On 8/15/2024 at 11:54 PM, WithoutHer said:

starting a fire cooking a meal when you're alone and there's no one to share it with.

I totally get this. Meals have become a chore that I don’t like because my husband isn’t here to share them with me although my dog would like me to share with him. Being alone takes some getting used to and it’s not easy. I can go days without speaking to anyone. I do text daily with my kids, but we don’t talk every day. It bothered me at first, but now it doesn’t nearly as much. My dog has to put up with me though…

i’m sorry people focused on the show rather than what you were feeling. 
 

17 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

After a few seconds I told them both that no, I was not excited.  I am not excited to go on this trip to see family without Veronica going with me.  I told them I am going because I have to do something for myself, something to break me out of this hold I have placed on myself of not wanting to do anything without their mom with me on the trip.

I have felt the same with trips. Family and friends expected me to be excited and happy when i went to see my son, dil, and grandchildren in Mexico, but I had to keep telling them that although I was looking forward to it, but how I wish D, my husband, had been there to see his grandsons (they’re 2 and 5 mths). It’s just not the same without him. I feel guilty that he didn’t get to know his grandchildren, and I do.

I know i can never be happy like I was when he was alive, but there are happy moments. Year 2 for me has not been easy. I have to find a new path going forward. Currently I’m trying to find things that make me happy or feel good. I still have my ups and downs and although they’re not as intense as before, I’m still trying to find my way. It’s like being lost in a forest and trying to find my way out. 

[WithoutHer]

@Sar123 Thank you. My critters are my world. I have minimal outside contact and it's not really supportive. Vickie's daughter contacts me once a month or so which help dim the lengthy voids.

[ImMomma]

On 8/17/2024 at 11:41 PM, Gail 8588 said:

 

Only one person can win, so all the other desperate people are risking their health, perhaps their lives,  for no return.  Seems pretty  cringeworthy as entertainment.

As entertainment I agree.   For people grieving losses and dealing with our own lonliness and trying to cope & understand, I can see the appeal.  We all look for relatable situations and people in different ways.  For me, sometimes it feels like I am the only person on the planet  & others are shadows of people who cant see me.   

I look for ways to cope by reading and observing others too - trying to find some spark of commonality so maybe I can learn how to cope too.    

[ImMomma]

I didnt mean to dismiss your feelings.  I had never heard of this show & that is to what I was reacting.  I am also dealing with lonliness.  I have no family or close friends, and 2 special needs dogs (our K9 Kidz) who I may lose soon too.

The show sounds like a lifeline for you & maybe for others.  But it can also open the flood gates too.   

I never know what my trigger me.  The sound of the wind can do it.  

[RichS]

7 hours ago, Sar123 said:

Year 2 for me has not been easy. I have to find a new path going forward. I still have my ups and downs and although they’re not as intense as before, I’m still trying to find my way. It’s like being lost in a forest and trying to find my way out. 

This is a good description of how I feel after two years...............................

[KayC]

5 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

@Sar123 Thank you. My critters are my world. I have minimal outside contact and it's not really supportive. Vickie's daughter contacts me once a month or so which help dim the lengthy voids.

Is it because of physical condition that you don't have contact with the outside world or you just don't know anyone?  I tend to isolate...a lot.  I'm okay just me and my dog and feral cat although I don't have as much contact with the feral whereas my pup is always with me.  I've found since Covid my social life has disappeared.  I go to church but you know how you can feel alone in a crowd?  That's me.  I miss our last pastor and his wife.  A lot.  I used to go to the neighbor's once a week, but not since their dog attacked me two days before Christmas.  That's pretty much the same with most of the neighbors.

I esp. miss George because we were in a world of our own, as long as we had each other...

[WithoutHer]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

Is it because of physical condition that you don't have contact with the outside world or you just don't know anyone.

Both. My constant congestion sniffling and coughing spells keeps from going places I could socialize with new faces. I think I'm just annoying to be around. It annoys me. I'm good for a short run out when it settles down but that's it. 

I don't know anyone except the woman Vickie befriended that delivers my groceries. She is a retired RN and my medical emergency contact but she is always very busy and visits shortly when delivering. A neighbor is willing to help with hard things like a recent fallen  tree but runs his own business and has a lot on his hands. He took in Buster when I had my stroke and she came to the apartment to care for the cats. Still I am essentially alone daily.

[Gail 8588]

A new loss for me to grieve: 

Singing for pleasure has always been a personally enjoyable part of my life.  When I was a kid in school I would often get selected for lead singing parts in school plays. My folks sent me to summer camps for singing.  I would day dream about going to Juilliard for college. (I wasn't  really that caliber, but a fun fantasy.)

For the 40 years I was with my sweetheart, he always had a band. The house was full of music and I loved singing harmonies on many of their songs.  I always loved singing in church , but never had time to join the choir. 

My loss is: my voice is gone.  I think forever.   Part of it maybe just normal aging, I'll be 70 in a few months.  Part of it may be "use it or lose it". After John died I didn't  sing at all for years. Just didn't  feel like it.  But I think a big part of my vocal decline is Covid and other respiratory illnesses of the past 5 years.  I have had covid 3 times, every time followed by a lingering cough for weeks.  I have also caught numerous daycare generated colds, coughs from taking care of my 2 grandsons.  For the past year I have had a cough that comes for a couple of months, clears for a few weeks, then returns.

I don't  sing the hymns at church any more because I can hear my voice crack and be off pitch.  I try to sing in a warm shower to get my vocal cords loose and working again.  But it just sounds terrible.  Even singing Happy Birthday with a group, I mouth the words now, rather than singing out with gusto. 

It makes me quite sad to lose my singing voice.  It was apart of me that I was proud of.  It gave me and others pleasure.  It feels like another part of my identity is lost. 

[KayC]

2 hours ago, WithoutHer said:

He took in Buster when I had my stroke and she came to the apartment to care for the cats. Still I am essentially alone daily.

If you were here I would befriend you.  It's good you have a neighbor like that. Having them take care of your pets when you needed it most is huge.  I have no such person for Kodie.

[KayC]

23 minutes ago, Gail 8588 said:

I don't  sing the hymns at church any more because I can hear my voice crack and be off pitch. 

I no longer have the range I used to but have been on the praise team since I was a teenager.  Maybe 13?  The good thing is it's a small church and I'm willing, they'll put up with a lot for that!  I have good tone but my voice isn't anything to write home about.  I understand.