How my partner passed

[JonathanFive]

I am writing this out very carefully:  Part of the reason I have decided to come forward with this has to do with the number of posts I've seen on this forum from grieving parents. I figured if I came forward and shared this, then others would know there is another here who can empathize with losing a family member to the Opioid Epidemic. We were family - each other's husbands, spouses, and partners whatever you want to call it. We were next of kin.

I guess the the first thing to say is, "my husband's mom and dad are not here to grieve him."  His mom passed when he was 7, and his father passed when he was 19.  He had one sister who is a full sibling, and a handful of half-siblings, but for the most part, his family up north was totally out of his life. Here in Florida, it was a world of just he and I.

Least to say, In the days following his death I was in, "complete hysterical shock."  I started a gofundme - I told our story online, and I broke all our privacy. In retrospect, the people who donated to my GoFundMe titled, "A Final Resting Place For Ricki," probably saved my life.  Cause I had an, "instant mission," on his death.  An, "instant purpose," to find him a final resting place.

With the proceeds of the GoFundMe I purchased an engraved Wooden Urn, I also purchased a GraveSite in a cemetery in Okeechobee County. When I brought him home in his urn, I decided not to bury him, and I shut down the fundraiser page. In the future though, I think maybe I will purchase a place for us side-by-side - somewhere else. I know he was my soulmate, I will never love anybody, nor will anybody love me like that again.

Just to elaborate, had it not been for some really, "long-term friends," who sent me money for my Gofundme mission, as well as, "reached out to me in the days following his death," I may have killed myself.  I was in complete hysterical distress.

Our final night together will be on my mind in a very sad way for the rest of my days.  Our last night together was a disaster and of course in the morning, he was gone. It was an accident, it was a craving, and he couldn't let it go. I had taken fentanyl off of him and flushed it down the toilet earlier that night.  Somehow in the morning, he ran to get more. I was exhausted and not thinking while he was going out to get more fentanyl.

We had been fighting and fighting over fentanyl for years. We had/have narcan he did not have to die - he lied to me.  He told me he was going to take a shower, so I gave him his privacy, and I was working at the computer when I went to go check on him, he was dead.  Overdosed, fentanyl poisoning.

I found my soulmate dead in our bathroom, blue as could be, with his snot dripping from his nose, thank God I cannot remember if his eyes were open.  I knew he was dead when I called 911, and they came and worked on him - but he was gone. He was so special and so amazing, and people will just say, "he was an addict," or, "i'm an addict."

We met in 12 step programs, I had years, he had months.  We just instantly clicked.

The night he died he was blaming himself for dragging me down the rabbit hole with him.  We had both relapsed, and by the time it was his last night on earth, I was a wreck, and he was a wreck. We kind of lost all our stuff.  Lost our car, our jobs.  The truth is, "we were both falling apart." Very likely that, in another two weeks, I would have been dead with him. I'm not sure if that bothers me though. On some level, I am so sorry I did not die with him, and now I'm grieving him. 

He was so sorry we fell into this trap together, and he was so sorry that when he met me, "I was somewhat together, so it seemed," and I got wrecked with him. It's sad to, because had I had any sort of clear frame of mind the morning he died, he might still be here with me - but I was gone, he was gone, and in his wanting more, and needing privacy, he lost his life.

But the truth is, in retrospect, I know he was spinning out on fentanyl for our last 90 days together.  I did not know it, as it was happening.  He kept fentanyl far away from me – I think in a way, he was protecting me from it.  It’s possible he knew his addiction was way worse than mine, that I was using with him – partly because it was us connecting, and partly because I was co-dependent maybe, and partly because I’ve kind of been, “in the gay scene, as a recreational user my whole life.”

So in the days following his death, I somehow stumbled back into sober programs – maybe I was in shock, or had nowhere else to go.  Managed to shake all the cravings without detox. I'm sober 45 or 46 days or so.  He passed December 8^th, by around the 15^th I had shaken off all the party drugs, and beer etc.

Likely I’ll relapse, after all, I’m just a drug addict. Probably - I'll never get over losing my soulmate and eventually somehow I’ll chase my partner in death.

Except, I don't think that's what he wants. I think he was so sorry, that I fell into the trap of using with him, and he blamed himself so much, and I believe he kept fentanyl away from me and hid it from me so much - in a way I think he was trying to protect me from it.  And in looking back on our last weeks together I can see how his behavior changed, the signs he knew something was very wrong, and could not stop.

Oh what a mess...  I think he wants me staying sober, I honestly believe it.  I think he was so sorry.  I am so sorry.   I will never be ok

 

 

[KayC]

You're not "just a..." anything!  You're a human and valuable, just as he was/is!  It's up to you if you want to make it.  We support you!

It took courage to tell us your story.

[HisMunchkin]

Thank you for sharing your story, JonathanFive.  💝  I think I would've been hysterical too, if I were in your shoes.  Heck, I was pretty hysterical even though I did not find my husband dead and was expecting him to go for over a year and a half.  I'm glad that the GoFundMe and your long time friends came to your aid.  I'm glad that you are still here.

 

1 hour ago, JonathanFive said:

So in the days following his death, I somehow stumbled back into sober programs – maybe I was in shock, or had nowhere else to go.  Managed to shake all the cravings without detox. I'm sober 45 or 46 days or so.  He passed December 8^th, by around the 15^th I had shaken off all the party drugs, and beer etc.

Good for you!!  I hope you'll keep being sober.  And yes, I'm sure your soulmate will want you to also.  May you find the strength to carry out his wish.

 

1 hour ago, JonathanFive said:

I will never be ok

You will.  It's hard to see through the fog now, and you might come out of it a different person, but you will be o.k!  Please hang in there.  Focus on now.  Focus on the minutes, on "planting seeds", step-by-step, day-by-day.  There is still a lot of beauty in this life.  Take notice when you're able.  Cry when you need to.  Then get up again when you find a little strength and take another step forward.  Live for the both of you.  *Big Hugs* to you, and please keep talking to us. 💝 

[Griefsucks810]

33 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

I am writing this out very carefully:  Part of the reason I have decided to come forward with this has to do with the number of posts I've seen on this forum from grieving parents. I figured if I came forward and shared this, then others would know there is another here who can empathize with losing a family member to the Opioid Epidemic. We were family - each other's husbands, spouses, and partners whatever you want to call it. We were next of kin.

I guess the the first thing to say is, "my husband's mom and dad are not here to grieve him."  His mom passed when he was 7, and his father passed when he was 19.  He had one sister who is a full sibling, and a handful of half-siblings, but for the most part, his family up north was totally out of his life. Here in Florida, it was a world of just he and I.

Least to say, In the days following his death I was in, "complete hysterical shock."  I started a gofundme - I told our story online, and I broke all our privacy. In retrospect, the people who donated to my GoFundMe titled, "A Final Resting Place For Ricki," probably saved my life.  Cause I had an, "instant mission," on his death.  An, "instant purpose," to find him a final resting place.

With the proceeds of the GoFundMe I purchased an engraved Wooden Urn, I also purchased a GraveSite in a cemetery in Okeechobee County. When I brought him home in his urn, I decided not to bury him, and I shut down the fundraiser page. In the future though, I think maybe I will purchase a place for us side-by-side - somewhere else. I know he was my soulmate, I will never love anybody, nor will anybody love me like that again.

Just to elaborate, had it not been for some really, "long-term friends," who sent me money for my Gofundme mission, as well as, "reached out to me in the days following his death," I may have killed myself.  I was in complete hysterical distress.

Our final night together will be on my mind in a very sad way for the rest of my days.  Our last night together was a disaster and of course in the morning, he was gone. It was an accident, it was a craving, and he couldn't let it go. I had taken fentanyl off of him and flushed it down the toilet earlier that night.  Somehow in the morning, he ran to get more. I was exhausted and not thinking while he was going out to get more fentanyl.

We had been fighting and fighting over fentanyl for years. We had/have narcan he did not have to die - he lied to me.  He told me he was going to take a shower, so I gave him his privacy, and I was working at the computer when I went to go check on him, he was dead.  Overdosed, fentanyl poisoning.

I found my soulmate dead in our bathroom, blue as could be, with his snot dripping from his nose, thank God I cannot remember if his eyes were open.  I knew he was dead when I called 911, and they came and worked on him - but he was gone. He was so special and so amazing, and people will just say, "he was an addict," or, "i'm an addict."

We met in 12 step programs, I had years, he had months.  We just instantly clicked.

The night he died he was blaming himself for dragging me down the rabbit hole with him.  We had both relapsed, and by the time it was his last night on earth, I was a wreck, and he was a wreck. We kind of lost all our stuff.  Lost our car, our jobs.  The truth is, "we were both falling apart." Very likely that, in another two weeks, I would have been dead with him. I'm not sure if that bothers me though. On some level, I am so sorry I did not die with him, and now I'm grieving him. 

He was so sorry we fell into this trap together, and he was so sorry that when he met me, "I was somewhat together, so it seemed," and I got wrecked with him. It's sad to, because had I had any sort of clear frame of mind the morning he died, he might still be here with me - but I was gone, he was gone, and in his wanting more, and needing privacy, he lost his life.

But the truth is, in retrospect, I know he was spinning out on fentanyl for our last 90 days together.  I did not know it, as it was happening.  He kept fentanyl far away from me – I think in a way, he was protecting me from it.  It’s possible he knew his addiction was way worse than mine, that I was using with him – partly because it was us connecting, and partly because I was co-dependent maybe, and partly because I’ve kind of been, “in the gay scene, as a recreational user my whole life.”

So in the days following his death, I somehow stumbled back into sober programs – maybe I was in shock, or had nowhere else to go.  Managed to shake all the cravings without detox. I'm sober 45 or 46 days or so.  He passed December 8^th, by around the 15^th I had shaken off all the party drugs, and beer etc.

Likely I’ll relapse, after all, I’m just a drug addict. Probably - I'll never get over losing my soulmate and eventually somehow I’ll chase my partner in death.

Except, I don't think that's what he wants. I think he was so sorry, that I fell into the trap of using with him, and he blamed himself so much, and I believe he kept fentanyl away from me and hid it from me so much - in a way I think he was trying to protect me from it.  And in looking back on our last weeks together I can see how his behavior changed, the signs he knew something was very wrong, and could not stop.

Oh what a mess...  I think he wants me staying sober, I honestly believe it.  I think he was so sorry.  I am so sorry.   I will never be ok

 

 

Sorry for the loss of your significant other and all of heartache and despair you are going  through. I read your story and I can relate to how helpless you felt cuz he was far too gone in his addiction. I too had to watch my husband deteriorate from the grips of his addiction.  Glad you are clean and sober now.  

My husband overdosed from a fentanyl laced bag of heroin on 8/21/19. I was out of state when I got the call that he was dead.  When I finally arrived back home, the police told me that I couldn’t see my husband because the medical examiner was examining his body. To my horror, I saw my husband body in a black body bag being carried down the steps into a waiting van headed to the county morgue. Till this day I can’t get that image out of my head.  

He was introduced to heroin by my former friend’s son in October 2018 and he was instantly hooked. This was the beginning of the end.  He had to use heroin everyday so he wouldn’t be dope sick. The man I married and loved had faded away and turned into a flown blown heroin addict. I too would flush his drugs down the toilet and break off the tip of his syringe so he couldn’t get high. I was finding syringes in his sneakers, inside of his socks, under the bed and even in the outside shed and would throw them away thinking that he can’t get high now cuz he had no syringes to use.  Just when I thought that there were no more syringes around, he found ways to get more syringes.  I pleaded with him to go to detox and get clean; he refused. I pleaded with him to go to a drug treatment center where he’d be an inpatient for 90 days; he refused. He also refused to go to NA meetings. I even told him many times I’d leave him if he continued using; I stayed. 
He started to lose body mass which made him lose a lot of weight and become very skinny and his face was sunken too.  I felt hopeless and helpless that I couldn’t get him clean and sober.  His addiction lasted for 10 months and lost his battle with heroin on 8/21/19.  I had him cremated and have his ashes inside a marble urn which sits inside my entertainment center.  The forensic pathologist told me that his death was quick and he didn’t suffer and this was a small comfort to me.  You’re the only other person who posted your story of how  you had lost your partner to Fentanyl cuz there isn’t a fentanyl related topic on here other than us. There are so many people who lost loved ones to Fentanyl and do not publicly tell their story cuz they feel shame and/or don’t want to be judged.  There is a website I found 2 years ago called Shatterproof.org where there are people from all walks of life fighting to end the stigma of addiction. There is also a virtual memorial page showing hundreds of photos and stories of people who died from addiction. I uploaded a good pic of my husband and told my story for the world to see.  Checkout this website cuz it’s very educational and learned just how much the stigma of addiction has affected our society.  There’s a lot more work that needs to be done to fully eradicate addiction.   
 

 

[KayC]

It took a lot of courage for you to share that too, @Griefsucks810.  It's part of your story.

[rlh]

I know it probably took a lot of courage to share your story.

Thank you for sharing. Like mental health, addiction has such a taboo around it and needs more people talking about it.

Like KayC said, you're not "just" anything. It's a part of you, but doesn't define you. 

 

[Griefsucks810]

32 minutes ago, rlh said:

I know it probably took a lot of courage to share your story.

Thank you for sharing. Like mental health, addiction has such a taboo around it and needs more people talking about it.

Like KayC said, you're not "just" anything. It's a part of you, but doesn't define you. 

 

I agree with you that addiction has such  a taboo around it and needs more people talking about it. 

[foreverhis]

4 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

I’m just a drug addict.

I'm going to be really firm here:  You are not just a drug addict.  You are not "just" anything.  We are all fallible, every single one of us.  We make mistakes; sometimes we learn from them and sometimes we end up repeating them, even when we try not to.  Yes, you may relapse, but you may not.  Perhaps you will find strength within your grief and pain to stay sober for yourself and for your husband.  You are far more than you believe yourself to be, but it may take time--and lots of it--for you to truly believe that.  Please, please give yourself that time and the grace to find forgiveness toward yourself (and your husband, if you feel that way) for simply being human.

I'm so very sorry you lost your husband to the sneaky illness of addiction.  Yes, illness.  Addiction is a medical condition, not a weakness or a personal failing.  I realize many people don't agree, but they're probably some of the same people who don't think psychological/mental illnesses are "real" and that people should just "get over it."  That's not the way it works. 

The truth is that you're right in believing you will never get over losing your love.  None of us do.  We don't "move on" either.  What we do with time and the support of others (including the members here and from various support groups) is figure out how to move forward.  It's not an easy journey and it is unique for each of us, but we are walking the same painful road together. 

It took tremendous courage to write your story and allow yourself to be vulnerable with us.  Here you will find only care, comfort, and support in whatever ways we can give it.  Any time you feel like giving up or giving in, please come here or go to an addiction support group/counselor, if you have one who makes you feel comfortable.  You will be in my thoughts tonight.

[Sar123]

@JonathanFive @Griefsucks810 Thank you for sharing your heartbreaking stories. I’ve read about people dying from fentanyl overdoses, but I have not read accounts from their loved ones. It must have been so hard to have this happen to your partners/husbands/soulmates.  I am so sorry for your losses. 

[Boggled]

11 hours ago, Sar123 said:

I’ve read about people dying from fentanyl overdoses, but I have not read accounts from their loved ones. It must have been so hard to have this happen to your partners/husbands/soulmates.  I am so sorry for your losses. 

"She lost her son to fentanyl and she said something like, "it taught me that you cannot save anyone." (close, but paraphrased) "  

on the other hand, as far as saving people, getting on this site is highly comforting to me for some reason or other.  why?  I don't know, except it's "the congregation."   but I know both of you TRIED to the best of your ability to get THEM to stop.  

I personally also think that "your drug of choice being laced with fentanyl" is sooo wrong and evil.

[Griefsucks810]

3 hours ago, Boggled said:

"She lost her son to fentanyl and she said something like, "it taught me that you cannot save anyone." (close, but paraphrased) "  

on the other hand, as far as saving people, getting on this site is highly comforting to me for some reason or other.  why?  I don't know, except it's "the congregation."   but I know both of you TRIED to the best of your ability to get THEM to stop.  

I personally also think that "your drug of choice being laced with fentanyl" is sooo wrong and evil.

I strongly agree with you that it’s so wrong and evil to intentionally lace a person’s drug  of choice with fentanyl.  There are fake opioid pills and Xanax pills also being laced with fentanyl. 

[JonathanFive]

I can't think about all the wrongs, it will drive me crazy.  All I can think is, "I love him so much, thank God he is out of pain."  Every night I pray God watches over his soul, and protects him, and I hope we are reunited someday.

So many wrongs in this world...

[foreverhis]

6 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

All I can think is, "I love him so much, thank God he is out of pain."

Yes, sometimes that's a thought we have to keep in our hearts to comfort us when we're in the depths of grieving.

I'd give anything to have my husband John with us still, but not at the cost of his quality of life.  It would be supremely selfish and cruel to "wish" him back as he was at the end of his life, in severe pain, some fear, and distress having fought as hard as he could to beat his cancer.  I wouldn't want that for him or for anyone. 

I keep faith that there are so many things in this vast, mysterious, glorious universe of ours that our human minds simply cannot fathom or understand.  John and I believe there is a life and a world beyond this one.  In my heart of hearts, I know he is there, where it's beautiful, peaceful, and filled with love.  And I hope so much that when it's my time, he will be there with a loving heart and open arms.

[Griefsucks810]

7 hours ago, JonathanFive said:

I can't think about all the wrongs, it will drive me crazy.  All I can think is, "I love him so much, thank God he is out of pain."  Every night I pray God watches over his soul, and protects him, and I hope we are reunited someday.

So many wrongs in this world...

When you think of him remember all of the good as well as the bad cuz to love him is to love all of him - the good, the bad and the ugly.   I am also thankful to God that my husband is out of pain.  I’m sure that his soul is at peace and someday we will both be reunited with our spouses.

[Griefsucks810]

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

pain, some fear, and distress having fought as hard as he could to

 

1 hour ago, foreverhis said:

Yes, sometimes that's a thought we have to keep in our hearts to comfort us when we're in the depths of grieving.

I'd give anything to have my husband John with us still, but not at the cost of his quality of life.  It would be supremely selfish and cruel to "wish" him back as he was at the end of his life, in severe pain, some fear, and distress having fought as hard as he could to beat his cancer.  I wouldn't want that for him or for anyone. 

I keep faith that there are so many things in this vast, mysterious, glorious universe of ours that our human minds simply cannot fathom or understand.  John and I believe there is a life and a world beyond this one.  In my heart of hearts, I know he is there, where it's beautiful, peaceful, and filled with love.  And I hope so much that when it's my time, he will be there with a loving heart and open arms.

I also share your view that there is a life and a world beyond this one where it’s  beautiful, peaceful and filled with love. I also hope that when it’s my time he will be there with open arms.  

22 hours ago, Sar123 said:

@JonathanFive @Griefsucks810 Thank you for sharing your heartbreaking stories. I’ve read about people dying from fentanyl overdoses, but I have not read accounts from their loved ones. It must have been so hard to have this happen to your partners/husbands/soulmates.  I am so sorry for your losses. 

Thank you for your condolences. 

[Griefsucks810]

On 1/30/2024 at 7:24 PM, KayC said:

It took a lot of courage for you to share that too, @Griefsucks810.  It's part of your story.

Thank you for not passing judgment on me cuz my husband was a heroin addict.
I felt that I needed to tell my story on this board and was relieved to see all of the “hugs”  I received.

[immortalgypsy]

Thank you for sharing that Jonathan. I do believe you will be reunited when it’s time. The God I believe in does not judge but is pure love. Sending you so much love and strength. 

[KayC]

14 hours ago, Griefsucks810 said:

Thank you for not passing judgment on me cuz my husband was a heroin addict.

Of course not, why would we!  I prefer not to share about my husband's challenging places as I've dealt with that and gotten past it.  I think in another thread you said it's important to accept all of them, I agree, it took a while but I did it.  He was a sweetheart of a man that loved me wholeheartedly and that's what I keep in the foremost of my mind.  

[DMB]

So sorry to read of your losses to overdose.  It really is a problem. Seems there is always someone we know and love that has gotten caught in the addiction.  This April  will be 10 years that I lost my cousin to an overdose, and I do believe fentanyl was involved.  It was years of hell. She had suffered a brain injury and after she recovered, she started abusing the medications prescribed to her.  She hid her addiction for years, hiding behind this or that being wrong with her. I was easily manipulated. She lived next to me for a time, and I took every pill out of her possession and gave her what she needed each morning.  This worked well, but only up until 30 days when the script(s) needed to be refilled.  She would have someone else take her and then complete refusal to hand them over.  I went to Dr.s visits with her.  One of them knew she was abusing yet he still wrote that script!  I was called the ER once and saw her strapped to the bed. The nurse asked does your cousin take a lot of opioids?  Finally, she moved away after I told her I was done.  I even stopped communicating with her children.  If I had kept in touch with them, she would have used them to get back on good terms with me.  That day was the last I spoke to her.  I remember telling my husband when they were pulling away that the next time I see her will be in a coffin.  Sure enough my father (her uncle) died in late January and no phone call no nothing. Two months later she was gone. When my Aunt called I was not even shocked. I knew it.

.  It's so sad.

[Sar123]

@Griefsucks810 I look at addiction as a chronic illness like diabetes or asthma- they don't just disappear. You have to learn to live with and control the condition/illness. There are also different levels as in mild, moderate and severe. People with diabetes learn what they can and can’t eat. If they don’t take their insulin and eat all the wrong foods, they can go into a diabetic coma. Yes, this does happen- I’ve seen it.  I do believe addiction is similar to a chronic illness and that it can be mild, moderate or severe.
 

I wish there wasn’t a stigma with addiction. It really is a chronic illness just like depression is too. It’s just not a physical illness. My mother was bipolar/manic depressive and it was in the severe category. I grew up in a small town so everyone knew you. Kids would whisper and say my mom was crazy. Mental illness has a stigma too. People seem to have a hard time understanding it. 

[HisMunchkin]

2 hours ago, Sar123 said:

@Griefsucks810 I look at addiction as a chronic illness like diabetes or asthma- they don't just disappear. You have to learn to live with and control the condition/illness. There are also different levels as in mild, moderate and severe. People with diabetes learn what they can and can’t eat. If they don’t take their insulin and eat all the wrong foods, they can go into a diabetic coma. Yes, this does happen- I’ve seen it.  I do believe addiction is similar to a chronic illness and that it can be mild, moderate or severe.
 

I wish there wasn’t a stigma with addiction. It really is a chronic illness just like depression is too. It’s just not a physical illness. My mother was bipolar/manic depressive and it was in the severe category. I grew up in a small town so everyone knew you. Kids would whisper and say my mom was crazy. Mental illness has a stigma too. People seem to have a hard time understanding it. 

I think with just about anything that affects the brain, which in turn affects behaviour, people tend to blame the victim because we generally assume that they have control.  We forget that the brain is an organ too, just like the heart, kidneys, liver, etc.  If something affected the part(s) of the brain responsible for executive function, control, and impulsivity management, how can we expect that person to have control?  But it's hard for most people to think in those terms.