Is it okay to feel guilty? It doesn't feel right...

[Wendyllp]

I lost my one and only brother in October 2023, i remember being in the hospital and watching him go through so many things. Having some medical knowledge i knew my worst fear was going to happen. I tried so hard to lie to myself & told myself he would get better and we would walk out of that hospital together. Even though i watched everything happen and i held your hand as you took your last breath, it still feels so unreal. Almost 4 months later i still wait for a call or text from you, I still expect to find you at home when i visit. I still think you're here.

Everyone keeps telling me how proud they are of me, and how i handled everything so well. Everyone says how strong i am because they never saw me break down. All they see is me acting like everything is fine and telling everyone we will get through this. But no one knows that as soon as im alone my eyes fill with tears and all i can think about is you. No one hears me scream and cry in the car, they don't know how my times i have yelled at God asking why? why you?. 

I think the hardest part is, you were always there for me. You were my Brother & best-friend. It feels like i lost everything at once. You always told me it was us against the world....Now i feel like i cant do this alone. I feel guilty going out without you, i feel guilty for laughing, i feel guilty for being here when you're not.