Struggling with the loss of my sweet kitten

[Panda672]

Last week I lost my sweet little cat at not even a year old. He was playful and cuddly, vocal and funny. I loved him immensely and bonded with him quickly. He loved to wake me up by crawling into bed and sleeping in my hair. When my partner and I first brought him home he was perfect. But soon after he started to get sick with GI issues. Long story short we spent the next few months in and out of doctors offices, occasionally at the hospital for emergency treatment, and working with a specialist. We tried prescription diets, FMT, enzyme supplements. But nothing helped and last week he was hospitalized again with dehydration due to chronic diarrhea, this time he was in shock and his intestines had folded in. We had to let him go. I was there with him in the end and he was barely hanging on. This all happened in 6 months. It’s been devastating. We still don’t know exactly what the issue was and as I look back through my phone - he looks so sickly. And we knew he was, we were working with doctors but I can’t shake the feeling that I just didn’t do enough. I wasn’t pushing the vets enough. I didn’t fight hard enough. It’s like seeing him every day made it hard for me to see just how sick he was. I let him suffer too much. I am wracked with guilt and I miss him every moment of the day. I’m not sure how to move forward. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss of your kitten.  You can rest assured your kitty is at peace now...

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died over 18 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[Panda672]

Thank you, @KayC 
I did read your link on breaking the power of guilt. I wish it changed the way I feel, but I guess time will tell. Every day is so hard. 

[KayC]

Just remember and remind yourself, feelings are not facts, they are something to deal with, get through, but definitely not factual.  I went through this when my Arlie died (soulmate in a dog), I love him more that I can say, it killed me...he died of cancer...just two weeks before his inoperable cancer with liver shutting down he'd had a perfect physical...cancer doesn't develop that fast!  I too felt I should have done more but we don't know what we don't know.  Arlie had acute chronic Colitis when I rescued him, he couldn't tolerate the vet's foods even, I cooked for him, then afterward I worry that I unknowingly contributed to his cancer.  But the vet holds a huge part in this also.  He should have diagnosed him before it became inoperable and his liver shutting down.  And I got two month ten days with him after this, just by reading online and giving him supplements...he'd always been on Probios (probiotics for dogs).  And I never went to that vet again.

Unfortunately the place I took him to be euthanized botched it and he went out in severe pain.  Another thing I felt I "did to him."  But he knows I love him and would never knowingly cause him pain!  I can't wait to see him again.

I have a totally different vet for my current dog, one that is great.

I pray you make your way through this, it's a journey, it takes a while to process.

[ImMomma]

Your precious kitty knew you loved him & he fought to stay with you.  I jnderstand the why's & what ifs'.  I have been there - racked by grief and blaming myself for not recognizing my Emma's pain until it was too late.  I still fight that feeling daily. I remind myself that she didnt want to leave me and she hid her pain too.    You were there when your kitty passed & he went surrounded by love.  He knew you did everything you could for him.  Animals have the sweetest & most forgiving souls.   Tell yourself to spend 10 minutes a day thinking only of the fun and the love and the joy.  It doesnt have to be 10 minutes in a row - spread it out during the day.   

 

You wont forget - we never really do, but it will get easier to go on.  

Miss him. Love him. When you are ready, you will begin to let him go.  It took me 2 years to begin to let my Mike go - he was only 8 and died of cancer.  Emma was his twin.  I had her checked and she was put on antibiotics first, but I suspected it might be the same as Mike.  I waited too long for the follow-up visit and lost her in an emergency room.   Our other girl died 11 days later of a different cancer that we knew was terminal.   Mike in '21, Emma & Winnie in '23.    I am still working on letting them go.  Every day I remind myself of how much we loved each other & how my being there comforted them when they closed their eyes for the last time.    

[KayC]

It's hard losing them.  Thinking of you as you try to live with this, it's so hard.

[Panda672]

@KayC @ImMomma Thank you both for your replies, it helps just knowing someone hears and understands. Today was the first day I started to feel okay and I try to remember that the faster I can let him go (though I'm not in a rush), the more time I can spend celebrating our time together and enjoying those memories. 

I'm so sorry to hear about Mike, Emma, Winnie, and Arlie. ❤️