Life after the death of my mom

[Raffi]

This feels awful to actually type out, but my mom died a week ago today. She'd been fighting illnesses and facing hospitalizations on and off for a year, and several of them had been near-death experiences. Somehow, though, it still managed to knock me flat on my ass. She was brought into the ER by paramedics after falling out of bed, taken into the hospital for what they thought was a UTI, and within days she'd declined to the point that she couldn't even speak. Turns out she had ovarian cancer and kidney failure and had been suffering far more than we'd even realized.

At first, her death absolutely crushed me. Emotionally I was... Beyond devastated. I felt a lot of what I've seen others describe here: the anxiety, the sudden fear of the world, that sickly feeling that nothing will ever be worthwhile again, the disorientation of losing someone you assumed would always be there. Physically I could barely move, didn't eat for days, and spent most of my time comatose in bed fighting panic attack after panic attack.

To make matters worse, I was my mother's caretaker for fifteen years, and with her passing I also lost my sole income. The apartment we shared was under her name and I was going to have to move out in a matter of days, so there went my home. I was facing imminent homelessness on top of the death of my mom, with very little family support and my friends scattered across the country and globe. To say I was terrified was an understatement. I had never thought about ending things more than I did during those few days, it was genuinely harrowing.

But somehow, with whatever little bit of pluck and determination I could muster, I forced myself to start reaching out. I made phone calls and sent emails and DMs and did research and filled out applications all from bed, all while I could still barely moved. I kept in constant contact with my friends, who I was rapidly learning were some of the most amazing human beings on this planet. I started getting support from people around me who I had never considered would be a light for me in the darkness.

Within five days I reached out to my dearest friend who offered me a place to stay across the country, to a place I was already considering moving to one day anyway. My other best friend in Ireland offered me her guest bedroom as well, should I need it. I got on unemployment and my application was processed within days. I'm going to have money coming in again. I'm going to be staying with an absolutely wonderful person who I love and trust with my heart and my soul. I have the opportunity to move and travel internationally, if I want to.

At 33 years old, I've never had this level of freedom. There's never been this much potential in my future. I'm so blown away but excited for all of it I can barely cope. Then in creeps the guilt. The nagging fear that I'm moving on too quickly. That I'm forgetting my mom by being happy in the wake of her loss, that I'm doing something wrong by beginning to move on from a lifelong tie as deep as ours. Of course, I'm not moving on, I'll carry her with me forever. Our relationship was complicated, undoubtedly, but she loved me unconditionally and for a long time we were all each other had. Still, it feels that way. It feels like I don't deserve all of the incredible blessings coming to me. I still keep waiting for it all to get snatched away again.

I don't know what the actual goal of this post is, to be honest with you all. I think I just needed to type this all out, to share it, to get it out of my head and start to process the reality that is my new life. All of this change at once, it's a lot. I've had to make the difficult choice to re-home my cats, to begin to pack up the few belongings I'll be able to bring with me, to say goodbye to a city I've lived in my entire life. It's all a lot to cope with.

And maybe this story can offer a glimmer of hope to others facing the horrible, sickening, terrifying thing that is grief. Whether it takes weeks or months or years, with grit and determination, there can be joy on the other side of immense loss. Even seemingly and utterly hopeless situations can have solutions and silver linings you might never expect. Don't give up, don't ever ever give up.
 

[JonathanFive]

I am very sorry for your loss.

Also, I would consider, that after a recent loss, things need time to settle and when things settle - emotions may be unpredictable. Other than that, it's definitely not, "uncommon," for caretakers to feel relief in greif.

On 1/26/2024 at 4:25 PM, Raffi said:

a glimmer of hope to others facing the horrible, sickening, terrifying thing that is grief. 

Grief could be comforting, and a time to reflect, and a time to laugh and cry, and hope, and wonder, and remember what was so special about the loss.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/how-to-grow-hope/202304/6-things-caregivers-should-know-about-their-grief#:~:text=6 Things Caregivers Should Know About Their Grief,if you found it burdensome. ... More items

https://hospicefoundation.org/Grief-(1)/Caregiving#:~:text=As a caregiver%2C you may be susceptible to,and cognitive declines occurring as the illness progresses.

Again, I am very sorry for your loss

Edited January 28 by JonathanFive
typos

[Traz]

On 1/26/2024 at 4:25 PM, Raffi said:

This feels awful to actually type out, but my mom died a week ago today. She'd been fighting illnesses and facing hospitalizations on and off for a year, and several of them had been near-death experiences. Somehow, though, it still managed to knock me flat on my ass. She was brought into the ER by paramedics after falling out of bed, taken into the hospital for what they thought was a UTI, and within days she'd declined to the point that she couldn't even speak. Turns out she had ovarian cancer and kidney failure and had been suffering far more than we'd even realized.

At first, her death absolutely crushed me. Emotionally I was... Beyond devastated. I felt a lot of what I've seen others describe here: the anxiety, the sudden fear of the world, that sickly feeling that nothing will ever be worthwhile again, the disorientation of losing someone you assumed would always be there. Physically I could barely move, didn't eat for days, and spent most of my time comatose in bed fighting panic attack after panic attack.

To make matters worse, I was my mother's caretaker for fifteen years, and with her passing I also lost my sole income. The apartment we shared was under her name and I was going to have to move out in a matter of days, so there went my home. I was facing imminent homelessness on top of the death of my mom, with very little family support and my friends scattered across the country and globe. To say I was terrified was an understatement. I had never thought about ending things more than I did during those few days, it was genuinely harrowing.

But somehow, with whatever little bit of pluck and determination I could muster, I forced myself to start reaching out. I made phone calls and sent emails and DMs and did research and filled out applications all from bed, all while I could still barely moved. I kept in constant contact with my friends, who I was rapidly learning were some of the most amazing human beings on this planet. I started getting support from people around me who I had never considered would be a light for me in the darkness.

Within five days I reached out to my dearest friend who offered me a place to stay across the country, to a place I was already considering moving to one day anyway. My other best friend in Ireland offered me her guest bedroom as well, should I need it. I got on unemployment and my application was processed within days. I'm going to have money coming in again. I'm going to be staying with an absolutely wonderful person who I love and trust with my heart and my soul. I have the opportunity to move and travel internationally, if I want to.

At 33 years old, I've never had this level of freedom. There's never been this much potential in my future. I'm so blown away but excited for all of it I can barely cope. Then in creeps the guilt. The nagging fear that I'm moving on too quickly. That I'm forgetting my mom by being happy in the wake of her loss, that I'm doing something wrong by beginning to move on from a lifelong tie as deep as ours. Of course, I'm not moving on, I'll carry her with me forever. Our relationship was complicated, undoubtedly, but she loved me unconditionally and for a long time we were all each other had. Still, it feels that way. It feels like I don't deserve all of the incredible blessings coming to me. I still keep waiting for it all to get snatched away again.

I don't know what the actual goal of this post is, to be honest with you all. I think I just needed to type this all out, to share it, to get it out of my head and start to process the reality that is my new life. All of this change at once, it's a lot. I've had to make the difficult choice to re-home my cats, to begin to pack up the few belongings I'll be able to bring with me, to say goodbye to a city I've lived in my entire life. It's all a lot to cope with.

And maybe this story can offer a glimmer of hope to others facing the horrible, sickening, terrifying thing that is grief. Whether it takes weeks or months or years, with grit and determination, there can be joy on the other side of immense loss. Even seemingly and utterly hopeless situations can have solutions and silver linings you might never expect. Don't give up, don't ever ever give up.
 

What a beautiful gift of hope to give others, while you are in the midst of grief and enormous life changes.  

You have every reason to be happy. You took care of your mom since you were a teenager, with responsibilities most that age don't have. It sounds like you had to grow up fast and I imagine you missed out on a lot. You deserve your own life now, so please don't feel guilty!

As a mother myself, I know all I want for my children is their well-being and happiness. Your mom absolutely feels this way too. You are allowed to have feelings of excitement about your new life, you've been through a lot. I admire your courage greatly and feel for you about having to re-home your cats as well. 

I have journalled my whole life. It's been my comfort and peace of mind through very difficult times. If you don't journal already, I would suggest it - you express yourself beautifully. 

I wish you the very best as you make your journey to a new life. I am spiritual vs religious and I know our loved ones are in that beautiful realm watching over and waiting for us. 

Take care of you!

[KLH]

I am so very sorry for your loss. I was there a year ago and everything you said, crushing, in bed, unable to step out in the world, much less outside of my house... all of it I can relate to 100%. I can also relate to the guilt of just finding pleasure in anything or going a few hours without thinking about how she's gone, but then I stop myself, every single time, and am instantly reminded that moving foward is exactly what she wants and expects me to be doing. My mom was a force of nature, so I feel her force and keep going. I have figured out that everyone grieves differently and just because you move across the country or not, doesn't mean you'll stop grieving for her; it just means you will do it with people around you, and with a safe place to land. Hang in there, it's two steps forward and one back I find, but as time inches foward, the weight of the grief lessens. Sending you peace and light during your journey.

[griefgirl]

Grieving my Das tremendously today.  I've been up nearly all night...had a dream about him..crying...missing him...people say it will be OK.  They just don't understand.

[GeorgeB]

I am very sorry for your loss.

I lost my mother also.

But she will be always remembered.

Wishes for health and smiles to you and your family..

[adroit7782]

I just lost my mom 4 days ago. She had cancer and we didn't even get to treatment. It was too late.... she didnt make it two months. I feel i failed her by not knowing she was sick. She didnt tell me or anyone. She just hid it till i found out. 4 days feels like 4 months and i feel like a shell of a body. She was my best friend and she knew me better than anyone in this world. I just wish i could of known sooner and she would be here. Im 42 and she had me at 40. I know 82 seems old but she wasnt a typical 82 year old. She was a RN and still had her nursing license. I just don't know how to process the pain and not take it out on my family. I wish i could hug her once again. See her face, hold her hand, talk to her and hear her voice. A part of me died with her on Tuesday at 3:19pm. I will never get over this pain im feeling. Im so so sad. I know she is no longer suffering anymore and that is the only thing that makes me wake up everyday.