Why going through motion?

[DanielITA]

'It will get better'...that is all I hear.  

My mom left us 2 weeks ago, and life sucks since.

She was the perfect mom, a rock, a leader, a shoulder to lean on,  my model and example I will never be able to compare myself to.  I am trying to be the parent she was, the human being she was, but the bar is too high.

Living 7000 miles apart wasn't easy, but we spoke 2/3 times a day.  She was my company commuting to work, we spoke about life, we planned meals, we talk about my days, her days, my daughter and wife, and we simply talk and talk.

I feel like a filing cabinet where 2 big drawers were removed and nothing can feel that void. 

Nights are my best friend. I sleep so I don't have think and cry.

 

I miss her more than words can explain, and I just hope that one day I will be able to live again and stop surviving  

[KayC]

I'm glad you can sleep.  I am so sorry for your loss.  Two weeks out is still very early.  It helps to get out some, a distraction of sorts.  I lost my nephew when I was 14, my dad when I was 29, my husband who had just turned 51 five days before...lost him on Father's Day so most years I get a double whammy.  He was the best stepdad in the world!  Lost my mom 10 years ago, my oldest sister six years ago, my closest sister two years ago, my soulmate in a dog 4 1/2 years ago, nine other dogs and 14 cats over the years, friends...this year my favorite cousin (way younger than me), several aunts and uncles, my grandparents long ago.  It seems grief has become a way of life the older I get.  

I don't know what I'd do without my service dog, Kodie, he keeps me going.  I rescued a feral cat two years ago, strictly outdoors as he won't let me worm him, go to the vet, etc. but he's part of our family nonetheless and has claimed my 30 ft patio as his territory.

Right now it's probably hard to think.  Grief has a beginning but not an ending, but it does evolve and I hope that gives you a ray of hope.  (((hugs)))

[DanielITA]

Thanks Kay, 

Yes, I did understand that grief is a journey.  I promised my mom I will be strong and I owe her that promise, but tears and sorrow don't care about promises.  They are sneaky and creep in as soon as you think is going to be better.  

[KayC]

Yes, and you will be better someday...just not right now.  And that's okay.

[April Ballou]

55 minutes ago, DanielITA said:

Thanks Kay, 

Yes, I did understand that grief is a journey.  I promised my mom I will be strong and I owe her that promise, but tears and sorrow don't care about promises.  They are sneaky and creep in as soon as you think is going to be better.  

Hello @DanielITA, my name is April.  I'm so sorry for your loss.  I know what it's like losing a mother, mine died 18 years ago on Christmas eve.  I like Kay C have lost so many loved ones in my life.  Mother, brother, aunts, uncles, all my grandparents,  cousins, and the last one was my husband. We were married 38 years .  That was the hardest thing that I have been through.   I don't know your faith, but if you rely on God to help you with your journey it will make a world of difference believe me.   If it wasn't for God I don't know where I would be.  I will keep you in my prayers.