Lost my mom

[CherieSue]

Mom passed before I had a chance to see her one last time. She was basically the only person I would speak with every day, outside of work. I was the shy child, not so bad now, but I am an introvert.

 I live 4 hours away from my hometown. It’s a nice area, but don’t have real roots I guess outside of work. I do have a home, close-ish to being paid off.

As mom got older, she passed at 96, she got very angry with me, thinking or assuming that I should just quit my job, sell my house, move back to my hometown. I had tried posting for jobs there, no responses. The times I tried were after layoffs/companies closing. She even supported me emotionally through that, saying I would get something better. I ended back with a corporation where I did have friends, still there today. I am within about 2 to 3 years of retiring now. Quitting the current job didn’t seem prudent as the job market in my hometown isn’t great. 
 

Mom refused assisted living; she said they would kill her. Ironically, she did end up in AL as she had medical issues; she was there maybe 1 month. 
 

Sibling is very angry with me, saying they have been the only care provider for mom for many years. I did visit and do what I could. I spoke to her typically daily, if not more often. I did space out the visits more as she got more angry with me. I didn’t respond to that well at all, and regret any hateful words I ever said.

 I feel adrift, lost, so alone. I don’t feel that there is anyone who loves me now. Not sure what I will do without her. I have joined two organizations in the past few days as I need some personal friends. I have some I haven’t kept up with, so I feel weird about now wanting to reconnect. Like I am only reaching out now because I need them now, true enough. Mom would get jealous if I did activities while she was home bound, so I kind of stopped.

 I do have a fabulous cousin who we just reconnected with, but they are in another area and have their own full life. I don’t want to intrude. 

I don’t foresee a relationship with my sibling after mom’s estate is settled. They are insisting on speaking at the funeral to tell mom’s true story. I am terrified that they will rip into me. The obituary they wrote was wonderful, so not sure. 

I am at her home, partially to help clear out/organize things. I am wondering if I return, perhaps I should just stay at a hotel. I come out of the guest bedroom and expect to see her in her chair. I am crying so much, I don’t think I have any tears left. I should add my dad passed suddenly when I was 14. I didn’t cry hardly at all then, and was close to my dad as a child. Mom was the rock of our family from that time forward. 

I know I will muddle through somehow, but I am so scared now.

Blessings to all
 

 

[LoveNeverDies]

I’m so sorry my truly heart breaks for you. I was also an extremely shy child … I lost my mom yesterday at the age of 88 . It’s so hard losing the one person who was there for you your entire life . I would do what you think your mom would have wanted, maybe try to reconcile with your siblings life is too short. Never feel alone , you can come here and vent with me anytime you need to ! 

[Tuti48]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I also feel there is nobody who loves me as my mom did. I hope we can find our way out of this feeling.