Guilt over not being able to save my husband

[Narnia68]

My husband died of a sudden cardiac arrest on 11/27/23. That evening he staggered from his office into the living room where I was sitting, clutching his chest, and slurring his speech, told me to call 911, that he was having chest pains. He then collapsed onto the loveseat. I called 911. My husband was moaning as I described the situation to the dispatcher. My husband then lost consciousness and I panicked. The dispatcher told me to pull him onto the floor and do chest compressions but when I tried to lift and pull him he was way too heavy and I couldn't budge him so I just did the chest compressions where he was at. He was kind of sideways on a soft surface. I kept asking the dispatcher where the ambulance was, pleading with him to make them hurry. He kept repeating that they would be there as soon as they could get there safely. When they finally arrived, the sirens weren't on, just the lights. The first paramedic in my living room said, "You do realize he's been without air for like 15 minutes?" and, "yeah, it's hard to do compressions when they're like that". I have felt guilty since then, not being able to get him onto a hard, flat surface and not knowing how to do CPR. If only I had done everything right, my husband would still be alive today! The guilt and despair are eating me alive. I feel like I didn't try hard enough.

[KayC]

Maybe you would have, maybe you wouldn't that's something we can't know.  We often go through the what ifs when they die and beat ourselves up.  It's going to be important to be kind and understanding with yourself, now that he is through the veil, it'll be important to be a friend to yourself.  I hope you post also on the loss of spouse section, where you can find others that get it and understand.  We want to be there for you as you go through this.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Narnia68]

Thank you, KayC, for your kind words. The guilt is so overwhelming, it makes me feel sick. I can't stop going over and over in my head that evening. I feel responsible. One of the paramedics told me that even with CPR it was unlikely he would have made it because this kind of cardiac arrest is known as "the widow maker" but that didn't make me feel any better. I think she was just trying to relieve my guilt. I was hysterical. I was fully expecting them to come and revive him. I'm just still having such a hard time with the shock and dealing with his being gone. The people on this forum are a real blessing. I just discovered it and am reading so many experiences I can relate to.

[ThereIsAField]

Hi Narnia, I'm so sorry for your loss and for the circumstances of it.
Are you getting counselling?  I think it might be helpful as it can seem impossible to process feelings like that on your own.

[Narnia68]

Hi ThereIsAField, thank you. No, I haven't gotten counseling yet but am considering it if the cost isn't prohibitive. I am wondering if it would help because this guilt and despair are eating away at me.

[KayC]

Try Casa they have income based charges, or hospice.  I think it would help and hope you can get it.

[widower2]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I know it's easier said than done, but try not to beat yourself up...and realize that regret and guilt are common aspects of a loss. You're not a paramedic for crying out loud; you did the best you could at the time. You're human. And from the sounds of it, whatever you could have done likely wouldn't have changed it, unfortunately.

As for counseling, check for local and/or state offerings; they might have something at low or even no cost. There are also often support groups that might help as well.  I hope this site can help you in some way as well!  

[Roxeanne]

2 hours ago, Narnia68 said:

because this guilt and despair are eating away at me.

I understand...for a long time i felt guilty and desperate to not being able to save him!

In my mind i had to know, i had to be there, i had to imagine, i had to act and change everything....like superheroes do!

Be kind to yourself, you did the best you can...

[rlh]

So sorry for your loss. As someone who lost my husband over the holidays, I get the "what ifs" (in my case there's a lot of "what if I'd pushed the doctors harder to do x or y faster/sooner" or "what if we'd known he was resistant to this specific blood thinner"). Unfortunately, as KayC mentioned, we can't possibly know if outcomes would have been different with different choices. 

I'd recommend looking into grief counseling. I'm currently trying to get it for myself and my son. It can be a bit of a process, but in my case, I feel like I'm going to probably be avoidant or otherwise not work through my grief unless I have someone stepping me through it. I tend to be a "push through, get things done, you're fine, everything's fine, gotta take care of other people." person. I would absolutely be the one on the plane not putting on my own air mask first. 

You can check the PsychologyToday website as a starting point. Depending on your insurance, you may be able to reach out to your insurer (or view in-network providers through the website).  A few other potential resources for grief counseling can be found here: https://www.lovetoknow.com/life/grief-loss/free-grief-counselling

[Sar123]

@Narnia68 I am so sorry for your loss and what you’re going through. Please do not blame yourself. It would have been next to impossible for you to have been able to move your husband to the floor by yourself. Did it take 2 paramedics to move your husband? I’m guessing it did. Doing compressions does not necessarily mean you could have saved your husband. Stats show only about 10 percent survive from just CPR. Using a defibrillator to restart your heart increases your chances of survival which you did not have. It’s why many public places have one, and it does have instructions on how to use it. It’s pretty simple. I worked in a hospital and I was on the code blue team so I know a little about this. The paramedic should not have told you that. I am sorry for you that he did that. Please, please please do not blame yourself. You did the best you could. And please try to be gentle with yourself.  It’s only natural to say “coulda, woulda, shoulda.” I did the same, but I always had the same answer: I can’t change the outcome so I have to accept that he’s gone. 

[Narnia68]

Thank you for your reassurance that I did do what I could. I appreciate hearing that even if it won't sink in yet. I'm also grate for your directing me to resources. I'll definitely look into them.

[Narnia68]

Sar123, I wasn't aware that only 10% survive with CPR. Thank you. That actually does make me see things from a different perspective. Yes, it took two men to pull my husband to the floor. I hadn't thought of that, either.  What you have said is right. I can't change the outcome so I need to just accept it. Thank you so much for everything you said.

[Sar123]

@Narnia68 Here’s a suggestion- you can see a grief counselor remotely. That’s how I see mine. I’m in a grief support group which meets remotely too. It’s just another option you can look into. 

[Narnia68]

Sar123, seeing a grief counselor remotely would work well for me since I live out in a rural area. That's a good idea.

[KayC]

Wishing you well Narnia.  Some good suggestions and tips here, I hope it relieves your mind a bit.

[Narnia68]

KayC, yes, it does. These suggestions are helpful. I appreciate all of you.

[HisMunchkin]

Hi Narnia,

I'm so sorry for your loss, and the way he went.  As people above, and also the paramedics had mentioned, the likelihood of CPR saving him was probably extremely small.  Please don't blame yourself?  I wish you strength and courage.  *Many hugs*

[Narnia68]

Hi, HisMunchkin, thank you. I am trying harder these past couple of days, after coming here, not to blame myself. It's just so hard. I miss him so much it hurts. 

[Griefsucks810]

On 1/15/2024 at 1:45 PM, Narnia68 said:

My husband died of a sudden cardiac arrest on 11/27/23. That evening he staggered from his office into the living room where I was sitting, clutching his chest, and slurring his speech, told me to call 911, that he was having chest pains. He then collapsed onto the loveseat. I called 911. My husband was moaning as I described the situation to the dispatcher. My husband then lost consciousness and I panicked. The dispatcher told me to pull him onto the floor and do chest compressions but when I tried to lift and pull him he was way too heavy and I couldn't budge him so I just did the chest compressions where he was at. He was kind of sideways on a soft surface. I kept asking the dispatcher where the ambulance was, pleading with him to make them hurry. He kept repeating that they would be there as soon as they could get there safely. When they finally arrived, the sirens weren't on, just the lights. The first paramedic in my living room said, "You do realize he's been without air for like 15 minutes?" and, "yeah, it's hard to do compressions when they're like that". I have felt guilty since then, not being able to get him onto a hard, flat surface and not knowing how to do CPR. If only I had done everything right, my husband would still be alive today! The guilt and despair are eating me alive. I feel like I didn't try hard enough.

Don’t put that kind of guilt on yourself; you did exactly what the dispatcher told you to do and there’s nothing more you could have done to save him. 

[Griefsucks810]

On 1/16/2024 at 6:49 PM, rlh said:

So sorry for your loss. As someone who lost my husband over the holidays, I get the "what ifs" (in my case there's a lot of "what if I'd pushed the doctors harder to do x or y faster/sooner" or "what if we'd known he was resistant to this specific blood thinner"). Unfortunately, as KayC mentioned, we can't possibly know if outcomes would have been different with different choices. 

I'd recommend looking into grief counseling. I'm currently trying to get it for myself and my son. It can be a bit of a process, but in my case, I feel like I'm going to probably be avoidant or otherwise not work through my grief unless I have someone stepping me through it. I tend to be a "push through, get things done, you're fine, everything's fine, gotta take care of other people." person. I would absolutely be the one on the plane not putting on my own air mask first. 

You can check the PsychologyToday website as a starting point. Depending on your insurance, you may be able to reach out to your insurer (or view in-network providers through the website).  A few other potential resources for grief counseling can be found here: https://www.lovetoknow.com/life/grief-loss/free-grief-counselling

Yesterday I looked onto my city website which said there are bereavement services in my city for grieving people. One listing said there is a $25 registration fee and then it’s $20 per week. I think these services should be free - they have nerve to charge grieving people money for their services.  Then they suggested Meetup which isn’t free you have to pay money to use their platform with a debit or credit card but the fees weren’t disclosed.  I even found a widows website where they assess a membership fee and also charge a fee for their online video presentations. 

[rlh]

7 minutes ago, Griefsucks810 said:

Yesterday I looked onto my city website which said there are bereavement services in my city for grieving people. One listing said there is a $25 registration fee and then it’s $20 per week. I think these services should be free - they have nerve to charge grieving people money for their services.  Then they suggested Meetup which isn’t free you have to pay money to use their platform with a debit or credit card but the fees weren’t disclosed.  I even found a widows website where they assess a membership fee and also charge a fee for their online video presentations. 

I'm going to check my city's site now to see if they even have anything like that. That's one resource I haven't thought to check. 

Also...I remember when meet-up was legit free. I used to use it a lot when my son was an infant/toddler, and only people who ran a group had to pay.

[Griefsucks810]

1 minute ago, rlh said:

I'm going to check my city's site now to see if they even have anything like that. That's one resource I haven't thought to check. 

Also...I remember when meet-up was legit free. I used to use it a lot when my son was an infant/toddler, and only people who ran a group had to pay.

Free is long gone my friend.

When I went on Meetup last night, I input my full name, email address and password, City state and zip code and then I was sent an email asking to verify myself which I did and then I was taken to their website and had to sign in. When input my email address and password, was told that there was a problem with my log in information. I tried a few more times and kept getting the same message so I deleted the app from my phone.   

[7779311]

On 1/15/2024 at 10:45 AM, Narnia68 said:

My husband died of a sudden cardiac arrest on 11/27/23. That evening he staggered from his office into the living room where I was sitting, clutching his chest, and slurring his speech, told me to call 911, that he was having chest pains. He then collapsed onto the loveseat. I called 911. My husband was moaning as I described the situation to the dispatcher. My husband then lost consciousness and I panicked. The dispatcher told me to pull him onto the floor and do chest compressions but when I tried to lift and pull him he was way too heavy and I couldn't budge him so I just did the chest compressions where he was at. He was kind of sideways on a soft surface. I kept asking the dispatcher where the ambulance was, pleading with him to make them hurry. He kept repeating that they would be there as soon as they could get there safely. When they finally arrived, the sirens weren't on, just the lights. The first paramedic in my living room said, "You do realize he's been without air for like 15 minutes?" and, "yeah, it's hard to do compressions when they're like that". I have felt guilty since then, not being able to get him onto a hard, flat surface and not knowing how to do CPR. If only I had done everything right, my husband would still be alive today! The guilt and despair are eating me alive. I feel like I didn't try hard enough.

Narnia68 - I just read your post & my heat sank. You have suffered two traumas - the loss of your husband and your efforts to save him. You did the best that you could. I'm sure you brought him comfort, knowing that you were there and summoning help. He lost consciousness knowing you were there for him, in his corner and giving him your best. You mentioned that hearing others' experiences helps, so I will tell you a little about mine in the hopes that you will find it helpful to you. My husband suffered a stroke on 12/16/23. He was in my life for 29 years, and we shared one home or another for 24 of them, even though were only legally married for about 5 1/2 of them. We raised two beautiful children to adulthood. I was with him but did not understand what was happening because I had no experience with stroke, and it didn't seem like anything on a public awareness TV commercial. We had a very normal morning and had gone out running errands, mailing a Christmas package, etc. When we got back, he had what he thought was a cramp in his leg. Neither of us thought maybe it was a blood clot that would soon travel to his carotid artery and ultimately kill him. I massaged his leg for him. Maybe I helped release the blood clot. For this, I feel guilty. Then he laid down & I got a heating pad for his leg. Also probably not a good idea in hindsight. For this, I feel guilty. Then he rolled over in pain & stopped speaking. He was always a strong person who hated appearing sick or weak; it was always difficult for me to get him to discuss physical ailments (he was on medication for high blood pressure, diabetes, cholesterol). I kept asking him where it hurt; he did not answer but made other purposeful movements, so I didn't suspect any serious issue. When his eyes seemed to stop lose focus and he continued to not speak, I told him I was calling 911 if he didn't answer me. He would have hated the idea of an ambulance coming for him. When he didn't answer, I called. I could have called minutes sooner. For this, I feel guilty. I was actually annoyed at the time because I thought he was being stubborn and not sharing his physical discomfort with me. The 911 operator instructed me to sit where I could watch him & immediately inform her of any changes. Instead of holding him and telling him how much I loved him, I followed the operator's instructions. I just knew that I would be able to talk to him later, if he was admitted. I had no concept of how serious the issue was. For this, I feel guilty. I last saw him briefly in the ER just before he lost consciousness but could not get near him because the ER staff was working on him. When he lost consciousness, I was out of the hospital and driving like mad to get home a few minutes away for his medications at the request of the ER staff. They wanted to give him something to break up the blood clot they had seen in his emergency CT scan but was afraid of a fatal interaction with his current medications. I could have easily taken a picture of his medications before going to the hospital, but I did not because the paramedics who came to our home said they didn't need them. His records were with the VA, but this was not a VA hospital. I don't know if those minutes lost made a difference. I never will. A nurse, who apparently thought I knew more than I did upon my return to the ER, "accidentally" started talking about his agonal breathing & decerebrate posturing while I was gone. He never woke up. He suffered a second stroke overnight, which eliminated all of the neurological responses he had been able to make following the first one. We had been planning on moving out of state in 2 years. He hated where we live now, mainly because of the weather and physical environment. I convinced him that staying 2 more years made more sense because that would get me to the minimum pension age at work vs. walking away after 18 years, so close. He literally told me, "I don't want to die in [our state]." For this, I also feel guilty. Perhaps less stress would have prevented the strokes. He had such big dreams that lay elsewhere, but he delayed them for me, and then I feel I let him down in the worst way. Know that you are not alone in how you feel. I'm sorry that you have had to go through this. I understand, in part, your experience.  

[Griefsucks810]

On 1/16/2024 at 6:10 PM, Roxeanne said:

I understand...for a long time i felt guilty and desperate to not being able to save him!

In my mind i had to know, i had to be there, i had to imagine, i had to act and change everything....like superheroes do!

Be kind to yourself, you did the best you can...

Hey Roxanne, you gave Narnia68 good advice.  

I felt guilty for not being home with my husband when he died cuz I was out of state  when I got the call that he died. By the time I got back to where we were staying, the police told me I couldn’t see my husband cuz the medical examiner was in the trailer with him.  I had the horror of seeing his body in a black body bag being carried down the steps and into a van heading to the county morgue.  I also felt guilty cuz I never got to say goodbye to him, that I didn’t have the chance to tell him that I loved him, that I wasn’t able to tell him I was sorry for rushing out of the trailer when I left to go out of state 3 days prior to his death, and most of all, I was consumed with guilt and remorse that I couldn’t save him.  
 

It took me years to overcome my guilt and regrets. All the whatifs, should haves, could haves, and whys all died with my husband.
I was told by my pastor and my mother that there was nothing I could have done to save him even if I was home with him cuz the outcome would be the same. 

[widower2]

3 hours ago, Griefsucks810 said:

Yesterday I looked onto my city website which said there are bereavement services in my city for grieving people. One listing said there is a $25 registration fee and then it’s $20 per week. I think these services should be free - they have nerve to charge grieving people money for their services.  Then they suggested Meetup which isn’t free you have to pay money to use their platform with a debit or credit card but the fees weren’t disclosed.  I even found a widows website where they assess a membership fee and also charge a fee for their online video presentations. 

Clarification: simply to join meetup.com is indeed free, it only costs if you want to create a group of your own, and some groups that others have created may charge an annual fee to join, but many do not. Sorry that you didn't find a meetup site for widows/widowers that was free, and the one you mention sounds rather disgusting to me frankly, to charge for the site and even to see their little video presentation? Pass. There are plenty of presentations online you can find for free. I hope you can find some other local support somewhere...maybe a church group? (I don't mean for religious reasons per se, but as a general grief support group).

[Narnia68]

7779311, I am so sorry for the loss of your husband. Thank you for sharing your experience. I can see I am not alone on this forum in feeling guilt after the death of my husband. I didn't realize how common it was to feel guilty after your loved one dies. Guilt makes grief more difficult. I'm sorry you're experiencing it, too.

[Narnia68]

Griefsucks810, what you experienced was horrible and painful. I'm so sorry. I hope you, too, find peace and healing of your guilt.

[Griefsucks810]

29 minutes ago, widower2 said:

Clarification: simply to join meetup.com is indeed free, it only costs if you want to create a group of your own, and some groups that others have created may charge an annual fee to join, but many do not. Sorry that you didn't find a meetup site for widows/widowers that was free, and the one you mention sounds rather disgusting to me frankly, to charge for the site and even to see their little video presentation? Pass. There are plenty of presentations online you can find for free. I hope you can find some other local support somewhere...maybe a church group? (I don't mean for religious reasons per se, but as a general grief support group).

Thank you for explaining how meetup works and of your subsequent reply. Do you know of any free online presentations? If so can you send me the link or the name? Would greatly appreciate it.
 

When I used to have a Facebook page there were a lot of widows groups and I had joined at least 8 and they were free. As of 2 1/2 years ago I deleted my Facebook account cuz I was being harassed by an ex bf.  I also deleted my Instagram account and my Twitter account too cuz I wasn’t using them regularly.  

[Griefsucks810]

6 minutes ago, Narnia68 said:

Griefsucks810, what you experienced was horrible and painful. I'm so sorry. I hope you, too, find peace and healing of your guilt.

Thank you for your reply to my post. Hope you too will find peace and healing of your guilt.

It took me years to stop feeling guilty. I’m only at peace with myself knowing he is no longer in pain and suffering and his soul is resting in peace. 

[widower2]

30 minutes ago, Griefsucks810 said:

Thank you for explaining how meetup works and of your subsequent reply. Do you know of any free online presentations? If so can you send me the link or the name? Would greatly appreciate it.

If you do an internet search for things like "grief video," many things pop up that you could try. 

This one if I recall correctly seems to be well received...I can't say one way or the other, but worth a look: 
https://www.ted.com/talks/nora_mcinerny_we_don_t_move_on_from_grief_we_move_forward_with_it

 

[KayC]

Is this the one?

 

[Griefsucks810]

6 hours ago, widower2 said:

If you do an internet search for things like "grief video," many things pop up that you could try. 

This one if I recall correctly seems to be well received...I can't say one way or the other, but worth a look: 
https://www.ted.com/talks/nora_mcinerny_we_don_t_move_on_from_grief_we_move_forward_with_it

 

Thank you for your suggestion; I’ll see if the link takes me to the website.

[KayC]

You can click on the video I posted and it will play.

[KayC]

I felt guilty that I was away when he had his heart attack, I went to my sisters' reunion once a year and wouldn't you know right after I left...

He wouldn't let the doctor call me because I'd been working so hard at work and he didn't want to ruin my weekend.