New here. First time posting. Hello!

[HisMunchkin]

Hi.  I lost my husband to cancer last month.  Even though we knew that his cancer could not be cured, we still had hope that he would respond well to treatment given his age and overall health, and that he'd have at least several more years left.  Unfortunately, that was not the case.  He had less than two years.  Still, near the end, we thought we would have at least a few days, if not weeks left.  It was a shock when I got that phone call just several hours after he switched from palliative care to hospice care.  I cannot even begin to describe what I felt at that moment.  Lots of thoughts and emotions swirling around.  My legs felt like jello and I was literally trembling.  I was afraid I might have a nervous breakdown, pass out, or have  a panic attack.  When I first saw my husband lying on that hospital bed, it felt like my heart was about to jump out of my chest.  Just yesterday, he was alive and talking to me like all the other days when I visited the hospital over the month.  But that day, he was lifeless, just lying there...  I wailed.  I can say that that was the worse day of my entire life.  We've been a couple for over half my life.   He was my everything..... 

I felt like I didn't (and still don't) have much time to tend to my emotions cause there's been so much paperwork to do, and I have to handle them all on my own.  And I feel even more alone because no one else was as close as I was to my husband as myself, so it feels like no one else around me really understands how I feel.  The one other person who is much affected by his passing is his mother.  But she lives in a different country and doesn't speak English.   So here I am, posting on this board, hoping to find people who might know what I'm going through.  In front of other people (and I don't tend to spend much time with other people), I try to act like I'm o.k. so as not to be a downer.  But inside, I feel like there's a brick in my chest, and sometimes a storm.

I miss him so much!  The one person I seek comfort from during difficult times is gone.  And adjusting to life without him has been a bit challenging.  I have depended on him to do most of the heavy lifting around the house and to drive me to places, for instance.  Now, all the work falls on me, and getting around has been difficult.  I don't have many other people whom I can depend on.  I'm trying my best, though.  Like the other day when I was shoveling snow, I imagined that he was watching over me.  That helped a bit.

Emotionally, pain seems to be what I've been feeling most.  Some days I feel so tired that I don't want to do anything.  When I do find the strength to do things that I need to accomplish, I can only handle a little at a time.  Sometimes I'd feel o.k., but the next moment I'd burst into tears.  I don't have much of an appetite, although I can say that it has improved a bit from the days following my husband's death.  The most unbearable problem I've been having, aside from the pain, is that ever since, I wake up every morning feeling very anxious.  Has anyone else felt that way?  

Anyway, this is it for now.  Thank you for "listening" if you've read this far.     

 

[JonathanFive]

First of all, I am very sorry for your loss, and give you a, "welcome," to the board, with the understanding that it's not a happy thing to have to sign up for an account here.

Just to help you out, and empathise with you - absolutely I was extremely anxious for the first 3 weeks following my soulmates passing.  I was hysterical.  Also, I think axiety is extremely common in grieving.  It could be, "our sympathitic nervous system goes into a hyper-active state in early grief." 

What is making you anxous?  The sympathetic nervous system is repsonsible for your, "fight or flight," response.   One of those things is turning up stress levels, and the axiety is a symptom.  

The best way to release that anxiety is going to be long, slow deep breathes.  Everything you said in your post is very similar to what I just went through - appetite changes, panic, being scared, pain in the chest.

Long, slow deep breathes, it should help - this advice comes from a lifetime of training martial arts, and yoga.   Breathe in deeply through your nose, exhale through your mouth.  You and your husband were together a very long time, your souls are eternally connected, he is still with you, he is watching over you, he wants you to be brave, and unafraid; you can do it.   When you feel the axiety start to come on, long, slow breath - ask yourself, are you fighting or flying? Denying or bargaining?  The key is to get through the anxiety, to a moment of acceptance.

For me waking up in the mornings alone, and going to bed alone have been extremely trying.  I can understand where our minds run like wild horses in those moments.

Lastly, it might help to find a counselor to talk to.  I spent multiple hours on the phone with the compassion helpline, 211, and also have been doing telehealth mental therapy via my health ins.   

Definitely do not attempt to go alone if anxiety is almost, "too much to handle."  There's a point where grief can be reason for pro-counseling.  I am sure that point is different for everybody, but I hit that point very quickly, and anxiety was totally why I hit that point quickly, and I am not embarrased to say that I have had to reach out to professionals.  It helped me to calm down a lot, and I'm still shakey and anxious here and there.

Again, I am very sorry for you loss.

[shawnt]

I am so sorry for your loss. My best advice is to day by day, hour by hour and sometimes minute by minute. Reach out for help . True comfort is hard to find but take it when it comes. For now you walk alone but you are welcome here to walk beside us, I have found comfort here. Be kind and gentle with yourself.

[Boggled]

All I can say is, I understand and empathize with your pain and sorrow ... not so much with the anxiety 'cause "it" didn't hit me that way.  

The loss of a person who was everything to you is exactly what I felt too.   You just keep on living.  Time just keeps on keeping on.  That you were out shoveling snow is pretty good IMHO!    

It's super-hard for me to "reach out," this board is my (really, ONLY) form of "reaching out."  People have a tendency to say "anything you need, let me know," then you DON'T let them know ... because really ... do they really mean that?  and in my case, I was avoiding everything and everybody I could, because the processing of the grief was the greatest necessity and I had to do that for MYSELF, inside MYSELF ... in my own way.  The one person you would relate it all to, isn't there ... and that knowledge for me, was like a white-hot coal I just couldn't touch ... and it also meant I had to do the processing without him!  who would have comforted me, held me, let me cry on his shoulder!   

Distraction has helped me!  just find something to take your mind right off of "it!"  like Scarlett O'Hara, "I'll think about that tomorrow!"  really, it helps, in my opinion.  I found a couple old children's books to read;  this kindly old book was one of them:  The Secret Garden : Classic Edition with illustrations - Kindle edition by Burnett, Frances Hodgson . Children Kindle eBooks @ Amazon.com.

[HisMunchkin]

Hello.  Thank you for everyone's replies.

JonathanFive - I'm so relieved to hear that I am not alone on feeling anxiety.  I will try the breathing exercise you mentioned.  I'm still getting through all the paperwork.  That is a large part of what makes me anxious.  And I guess facing the "new" world without my husband by my side is quite scary.  It's like my future died with him.  All the plans and sense of security - gone in a blink of an eye.  I'm not even looking into the future at the moment.  Just focusing on what needs to get done now.  That's all I can handle, and even then, I can only handle them little by little.  It looks like your angel date was very close to mine.  How are you coping these days?

shawnt - I am hoping to find some comfort here.  So far, reading some grief books helped.  Talking to people close to me helped.  But, aside from the grief books, it seems like no one else can really understand what I'm going through.  Here, I'm hoping to find people who have also lost their spouse.  I think people who are going through something similar would understand much more.

Boggle - I understand what you mean by finding it hard to "reach out".  I'm the type of person who feels obligated to put on a happy face and stay positive.  I don't want to be a downer.  So most of the time I just hide it or cry it out alone.  I do reach out for help when I really can't do something on my own, though.  And I do talk about how hard a time I've been having, but sparingly, and only to those whom I feel comfortable telling.  It's still not the same as having the comfort of my husband by my side.  Not for a long shot.  But it does help a bit for me.  Everyone grieves differently.  You do what you have to!  And ya, distractions.  I'm loving the time I spend reading before bed.  It helps me unwind and offers a distraction during the very quiet nights.  Never read The Secret Garden.  I just might go and check it out.

 

[JonathanFive]

25 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

 It looks like your angel date was very close to mine.  How are you coping these days?

Knowing that he's with God, or the universe, that he's returned to the state of being before he was here, he's gone to wherever we go in the hereafter, the pains of life no longer bother him, but hopefully his soul still knows the joys, and my hope that our eternal souls are forever connected, and we will enjoy our timelessness together when I eventually pass.

Also, breathing...

Life is impermanent, as human beings we must accept that, and as human beings we survive our loved ones when they pass.  It's part of the human condition, sometimes we experience loss, and have to grieve.

It's hard, I'm crying, wailing, beyond sad. It's human...   It hurts

[Sar123]

So sorry for your loss. I also lost my husband to cancer (pancreatic ca)  last December in 2022. I was at where you are now a year ago. There were so many tasks that had to be done, but I took my time and I still haven’t finished it all. It can be exhausting at times. One of the first things I remember doing last winter was renewing the license tabs for my husband’s truck. Was I surprised when they said I had to change the title to my name and bring in his death certificate before getting tabs. We had 2 other vehicles i had to change as well. It was exhausting and emotional, but I got it done. I cried a lot and the poor people who had to deal with a sobbing me at the dmv. It’s still kind of hard when I open the garage door and see his truck. I’m keeping it for now. I don’t cry as much as I did in the beginning, but I do get occasional bursts of unexpected crying. Just be easy on yourself and take your time if you can. I found if I got one thing accomplished a day, I was doing good. 
 

Journaling helped too. I wasn’t ready for a grief counselor or a grief support group back then so I rejected the ones from hospice. It doesn’t cost anything for 13 months after the death of a loved one who was in hospice. Anyway, last August I had to put our dog down (cancer too) and that’s when I lost it and knew I needed help so I reached out to hospice and started seeing a grief counselor and joined a grief support group through them. Both are remote which I like and they have really helped me. You could look into that if you think it would help. Hang in there. The first year is hard with grief. I don’t think I’ll ever stop missing my husband, but the pain isn’t as raw as it was in the beginning. Coming to this site has helped too. 

[immortalgypsy]

Sending love to you. 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

15 hours ago, Boggled said:

It's super-hard for me to "reach out," this board is my (really, ONLY) form of "reaching out."  People have a tendency to say "anything you need, let me know," then you DON'T let them know ... because really ... do they really mean that?  and in my case, I was avoiding everything and everybody I could, because the processing of the grief was the greatest necessity and I had to do that for MYSELF, inside MYSELF ... in my own way.

That pretty much sums up my feelings up to now.  People, as you point out, say to let them know if I need anything.  Problem is I myself don’t know what it is I need, other than time to myself and something to bring new meaning into my life now that my caretaker status for Veronica has ended.  If I need someone’s company I feel comfortable enough to seek them out, knowing they will gladly provide that company, but not until I request it.  We have an understanding of sorts, I guess.

[KayC]

@HisMunchkin

Welcome to our forum, I am so sorry for your loss but am glad you found your way here.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[HisMunchkin]

Thank you for everyone's responses!

JonathanFive - I personally have the thought that one returns to the state just like the one before one was here.  I am also still crying, wailing, and beyond sad at this point.  Yes, it is human.  It just really sucks right now.  But you are definitely not alone.  *big hugs to you*  Let's soldier on together, one day at a time.   

 

Sar123 - Oh my goodness, I know!  The paperwork is awful!  People want this and that document in order to cancel subscriptions or transfer billing.  Apple even wants a court order before they will allow the spouse to get their husband's cloud files - pictures with sentimental value and nothing else.  And all the phone calls and visits I have to make and explain how I'm calling because my husband passed away.  Sometimes I can't hold it and just burst into tears.  

And oh gosh, I'm so sorry to hear about your dog.  I have a dog too, and she's so very dear to me.  I don't know what I'd do if I lost her any time soon either.  I'm glad to hear that grief counseling and grief support group helped you.  I'm not sure if I'm ready for that at this point.  I'm also kind of shy, so I probably won't feel comfortable being in a group setting.  I am relieved to hear that you have healed over one year.  I hope you'll continue to feel better. 

 

Immortalgypsy - thank you!

 

Rey Dominguez Jr - It's great that you have people whom you know would gladly provide you the company that you need, when you need it.  That must be very helpful.  You are very lucky.

 

KayC - Thank you for the welcome, and for sharing your tips to make my way through grief.

 

[steinbok]

On 1/14/2024 at 6:28 PM, JonathanFive said:

First of all, I am very sorry for your loss, and give you a, "welcome," to the board, with the understanding that it's not a happy thing to have to sign up for an account here.

Just to help you out, and empathise with you - absolutely I was extremely anxious for the first 3 weeks following my soulmates passing.  I was hysterical.  Also, I think axiety is extremely common in grieving.  It could be, "our sympathitic nervous system goes into a hyper-active state in early grief." 

What is making you anxous?  The sympathetic nervous system is repsonsible for your, "fight or flight," response.   One of those things is turning up stress levels, and the axiety is a symptom.  

The best way to release that anxiety is going to be long, slow deep breathes.  Everything you said in your post is very similar to what I just went through - appetite changes, panic, being scared, pain in the chest.

Long, slow deep breathes, it should help - this advice comes from a lifetime of training martial arts, and yoga.   Breathe in deeply through your nose, exhale through your mouth.  You and your husband were together a very long time, your souls are eternally connected, he is still with you, he is watching over you, he wants you to be brave, and unafraid; you can do it.   When you feel the axiety start to come on, long, slow breath - ask yourself, are you fighting or flying? Denying or bargaining?  The key is to get through the anxiety, to a moment of acceptance.

For me waking up in the mornings alone, and going to bed alone have been extremely trying.  I can understand where our minds run like wild horses in those moments.

Lastly, it might help to find a counselor to talk to.  I spent multiple hours on the phone with the compassion helpline, 211, and also have been doing telehealth mental therapy via my health ins.   

Definitely do not attempt to go alone if anxiety is almost, "too much to handle."  There's a point where grief can be reason for pro-counseling.  I am sure that point is different for everybody, but I hit that point very quickly, and anxiety was totally why I hit that point quickly, and I am not embarrased to say that I have had to reach out to professionals.  It helped me to calm down a lot, and I'm still shakey and anxious here and there.

Again, I am very sorry for you loss.

I can very much relate to how you've progressed since the passing of your soulmate.  I'm getting the same pains, pits of emptiness, sadness, crying in the morning and evening, when you're usually alone in your thoughs (and in your house)     
I've been trying to get around people, when possible.  Need to work on the breathing... Riding a bike almost every day, has helped greatly.  Activity and movement are very important for self care, which we need a lot of.

 

[JonathanFive]

5 minutes ago, steinbok said:

I can very much relate to how you've progressed since the passing of your soulmate. 

Yes, it's the worst, "ouch," ever.   Life altering..

If I was still living in CA, and needed to be around people, do something healthy, not religous but spiritual, and healing...  I might look for a Shabala Meditation Group near me - https://www.bing.com/search?FORM=U523DF&PC=U523&q=shambala+california&showconv=1

Failing that, the main center has retreats, and is in MountainView CO.

Start here: https://www.amazon.com/Audible-Shambhala-Sacred-Path-Warrior/dp/B0BMD6YKRZ/ref=sr_1_1?adgrpid=1338106222716791&hvadid=83631877549752&hvbmt=be&hvdev=c&hvlocphy=71818&hvnetw=o&hvqmt=e&hvtargid=kwd-83631998420471%3Aloc-190&hydadcr=8291_13501921&keywords=the+sacred+path+of+the+warrior&qid=1705799749&sr=8-1

This is, "how to breath."  That's not metaphorical, this is littarrly a book about proper beathing. 

I am reading your post, and keeping up with your journey.  I know how it hurts.  Hugs out to you 🙂

[steinbok]

1 hour ago, JonathanFive said:

Yes, it's the worst, "ouch," ever.   Life altering..

......
I am reading your post, and keeping up with your journey.  I know how it hurts.  Hugs out to you 🙂

Hurts bad, even though, I had been resigned to the fact that this tumor was going to kill him     Way before he accepted it... I think he fought until his last breath, and I kept hoping he'd rise up, and walk out of the Board & Care just like Lazerus.   
  Doctors pedaled hope, and we both bought into it,

This really sucks, especially nights and mornings.   Breathing and journaling have been suggested.  I started journaling about 3 weeks ago, and make most days.   I keep pretty busy, but not avoiding the grief.  It just pokes its head up there sometime. Triggered by love notes and other forms of affection.      I just turn into a blubbering mess.

I can really relate what you're going through.  Feel free to reach out whenever you feel the need.  We need support in this time.,

[KayC]

8 hours ago, steinbok said:

Doctors pedaled hope, and we both bought into it

Sometimes I think they do that to spare themselves.  Very hard.  Makes you want to punch them in the nose when it doesn't turn out that way.  😡  Sometimes I think it's harder than if you went into gradual acceptance.

[HisMunchkin]

15 hours ago, steinbok said:

Hurts bad, even though, I had been resigned to the fact that this tumor was going to kill him     Way before he accepted it... I think he fought until his last breath, and I kept hoping he'd rise up, and walk out of the Board & Care just like Lazerus.   
  Doctors pedaled hope, and we both bought into it,

We experienced the opposite with our doctors.  They recommended hospice care long before he felt the need to go there.  He felt defeated and discouraged at times during his month long hospital stay.  I told him that if new issues come up, then we'll deal with them then.  For now, just focus on coming home.  So for about two weeks shortly before his passing, he was very motivated to try eating and doing physiotherapy so that he can go home.  I got him a wheelchair, changed the shower head to a hand held one, read up on how to drain pleural fluid at home, and planned to get other items in preparation for him to come home.  He was full of hope and his spirit picked up a lot.  Started talking to his friends again when before, when he was feeling discouraged, he stopped communicating with them.  But then things went downhill fast.  Looking back, I am still glad that he was hopeful and positive during those two weeks, even though in the end it turned out to be false hope.  Better than having spent that time thinking that he no longer had anymore time left and just waiting for death.  But that's just my personal take on the whole process.  He passed away not even a day after he finally switched to hospice care.  No time to really think about, get depressed from, or feel anxious about what's coming.        

 

[steinbok]

4 hours ago, HisMunchkin said:

We experienced the opposite with our doctors.  They recommended hospice care long before he felt the need to go there.  He felt defeated and discouraged at times during his month long hospital stay.  I told him that if new issues come up, then we'll deal with them then.  For now, just focus on coming home.  So for about two weeks shortly before his passing, he was very motivated to try eating and doing physiotherapy so that he can go home.  I got him a wheelchair, changed the shower head to a hand held one, read up on how to drain pleural fluid at home, and planned to get other items in preparation for him to come home.  He was full of hope and his spirit picked up a lot.  Started talking to his friends again when before, when he was feeling discouraged, he stopped communicating with them.  But then things went downhill fast.  Looking back, I am still glad that he was hopeful and positive during those two weeks, even though in the end it turned out to be false hope.  Better than having spent that time thinking that he no longer had anymore time left and just waiting for death.  But that's just my personal take on the whole process.  He passed away not even a day after he finally switched to hospice care.  No time to really think about, get depressed from, or feel anxious about what's coming.        

 

We had hope and positive vibes too.    I went along with it, though with all the setbacks he had, I was losing faith repeatedly.    He'd seem to get a little better, then something happens, happens again, a recurrence. Finally, after 1 year of failed treatments (SOC, 5/23, clinical trial), the NO finally said, " 3 to 4 months, and all avastin will do is keep you at your current level of health"(which was terrible at the time), and he was back in rehab, never to return home.   I chronicled everything from beginning to end, and he kept copious records of his treatments and "failed surgeries" (including the tumor removal that pretty much left him with no use of his left side) . They tried as long as they could, the money train kept going kaching, and finally, they said they had no more options, leaving me with him in a nursing home, forcing my hand to put him in board & care, AND hospice at the same time.   He had three months of misery at the board and care before he died 14 days ago.   Much better care than a nursing home, but I had to take over at that point.  I didn't really appreciate being left in a lurch like that.   I guess that's commonplace, once the medical people have no more answers.       The medical industry left me no choice.   
I was not happy with my experience.  I'm glad you got some benefit from the treatments, and they were upfront with you instead of stringing you along, like they did us.
It was not a good 18 month experience dealing with hospitals and doctors in the care of my husband.  

[HisMunchkin]

21 minutes ago, steinbok said:

He'd seem to get a little better, then something happens, happens again, a recurrence. Finally, after 1 year of failed treatments

Ya, that's what happened with us too.  Got better, then side effects of treatment really got to him and he had to stop.  Tried another treatment, same thing, etc, etc.  It was like a roller coaster ride.  Blood and platelet transfusions was able to keep him alive and functioning for a few more months, then he was hospitalized, got Covid from the hospital so he had to go back. 

 

24 minutes ago, steinbok said:

the money train kept going kaching

We're in Canada, so there was not much of a "money train".  Maybe that was the difference.

 

26 minutes ago, steinbok said:

He had three months of misery at the board and care before he died 14 days ago. 

😥

 

27 minutes ago, steinbok said:

he medical industry left me no choice.   
I was not happy with my experience.  I'm glad you got some benefit from the treatments, and they were upfront with you instead of stringing you along, like they did us.

That does suck.  I'm so sorry you had to go through that. 🥺 

[HisMunchkin]

Went to shovel snow, then start the car - something I do every two weeks or so in hopes of keeping the car battery alive.  These were the instructions that my husband left me.  I don't drive, but I'm hoping to keep the car until I get around to getting my license.  Anyway, today, it won't start.  It's not really a big deal, but given the cumulative stress I've been experiencing lately, it was like the last straw.  I just bawled my eyes out when I got back inside.  I miss my husband so, so much!  The car battery dying feels a bit symbolic.....  My hands are shaking from shoveling the snow, and now I have a headache.  Hanging in there, though.  Hanging in there..... 

[KayC]

Put a battery tender on it to charge and keep it charged.  And it needs more than just starting, it needs driven.  If you don't have a license, take it up the driveway and back down, it circulates the fluids and your tires need to rest in a different spot so they don't get a flat spot.  You can get a battery tender on WM or Amazon.

[HisMunchkin]

Thanks for the advice, KayC.  I'll look into it.  I know nothing about cars. 

[shawnt]

I think the difference between hope and acceptance is a matter of perspective. I was with my wife for every meeting, treatment, surgery and consultation. She heard hope and I heard harsh reality( I kept it to myself). On our first consult we heard 30% survival rate at 30 months, she heard 30% recovery, I knew that meant 70% mortality in less than 30 months. When I researched more it was 94% mortality at 60 months( I never shared that with her because crushing someone's hope is evil) My role was to support her and try and make her life better and enjoy whatever time we had. + I have seen some miraculous things in my life and I also had a hope, dream, wish (prayer?)  even if it was small.

Do not judge to harshly those with hope, especially yourself; it is how we go on in the face of tragedy and do the best we can.

Acceptance comes whether we like it or not, reality forces it on us and hope lets us stand strong until the last second. I won't (can't) recall the horrific end weeks but I will say when her raspy last breaths slowed I had hope they would continue and I also hoped they would stop so that her agony would end.

I hope I can have more hope in my future.

[HisMunchkin]

1 hour ago, shawnt said:

I think the difference between hope and acceptance is a matter of perspective. I was with my wife for every meeting, treatment, surgery and consultation. She heard hope and I heard harsh reality( I kept it to myself). On our first consult we heard 30% survival rate at 30 months, she heard 30% recovery, I knew that meant 70% mortality in less than 30 months. When I researched more it was 94% mortality at 60 months( I never shared that with her because crushing someone's hope is evil) My role was to support her and try and make her life better and enjoy whatever time we had. + I have seen some miraculous things in my life and I also had a hope, dream, wish (prayer?)  even if it was small.

Do not judge to harshly those with hope, especially yourself; it is how we go on in the face of tragedy and do the best we can.

Acceptance comes whether we like it or not, reality forces it on us and hope lets us stand strong until the last second. I won't (can't) recall the horrific end weeks but I will say when her raspy last breaths slowed I had hope they would continue and I also hoped they would stop so that her agony would end.

I hope I can have more hope in my future.

We were both rather hopeful in the beginning considering his age and overall health.  The literature said 30% 5 year survival rate.  We thought he would be one of the 30%.  Maybe even make it to 10 years.  But we were also realistic.  With each treatment failure, as options became less and less, our expectations adjusted accordingly.  Although in hindsight, we were still way off in our predictions.  

My husband went quickly.  So quickly that neither one of us saw it coming.  So I can't even begin to imagine what you experienced during the end weeks before your wife's passing.  I am so sorry you had to go through that.  I feel horrible just thinking about it.  Actually experiencing it must have taken a tremendous toll on you.  I am so sorry.  😢

I wish I could remember the good times more often, but since my husband's passing, my mind seems to be most focused on events in the last month or so when he was hospitalized.  I also get intrusive thoughts of the phone call, and seeing his lifeless body at the hospital.  It's like part of me either still can't believe that he's gone, and/or that it's very slow in understanding that he's gone.  

I hope you'll find more things in life to look forward to in the future.  Perhaps the fog of grief is still too thick for you to see much at this point?       

    

[HisMunchkin]

Does anyone know how to unscrew these car battery caps?  Is there a special wrench?  I think the electrolyte level might be low.

[Sar123]

 

On 2/15/2024 at 6:45 PM, HisMunchkin said:

Anyway, today, it won't start.  It's not really a big deal, but given the cumulative stress I've been experiencing lately, it was like the last straw.  I just bawled my eyes out when I got back inside.  I miss my husband so, so much!  The car battery dying feels a bit symbolic.....  My hands are shaking from shoveling the snow, and now I have a headache.  Hanging in there, though.  Hanging in there..... 

I can understand how you must have felt when that happened. Last winter I had a similar experience with my husband’s truck. I usually drive my vehicle, but I needed to use his truck that day. It had been sitting in the garage for several month unused. Of course it didn’t start. I didn’t know I should’ve been starting it periodically. I felt so helpless and I was missing him so much. It was hard just seeing his truck in the garage every time I left. How could he be gone forever? How did this happen- it can’t be real…eventually I called his best friend and he came over and charged it up. Another lesson learned. YouTube has been helpful as well. From changing windshield wipers to changing the battery in the garage door opener (it wasn’t that easy is all I can say). All those little things he used to do,  I took for granted through the years…

@shawnt@HisMuchkin Cancer pretty much sucks. With pancreatic cancer, there is only a 10% chance of survival. His cancer hadn’t spread so we had hope. Unfortunately the tumor was inoperable. He went through 2 different aggressive chemo followed by radiation x 5 days/week for 6 weeks. None of it shrunk the tumor and so it spread. Our last ditch effort was Mayo Clinic and their advice ended up killing him. It’s a horrible way to go. At the end he was a skeleton. He asked our son if hospice could give him drugs to end his life, but in our state that isn’t an option. They would rather have you suffer a slow and painful death. He didn’t deserve that- he was a good man, husband and father. So yeah, we always hope our loved one would be in the 10-30% who survive this dreadful disease. 

 

@HisMunchkin Try YouTube. 

[HisMunchkin]

Can't find any information on how to unscrew the caps. 🥺

[WithoutHer]

41 minutes ago, HisMunchkin said:

Does anyone know how to unscrew these car battery caps?  Is there a special wrench?  I think the electrolyte level might be low.

They are not supposed to be unscrewed. Today's battery's are sealed and don't get topped with fluid like the batteries of the past. 

[HisMunchkin]

2 minutes ago, WithoutHer said:

They are not supposed to be unscrewed. Today's battery's are sealed and don't get topped with fluid like the batteries of the past. 

But the instructions from the car says to check the electrolyte, and if it's low, to add distilled water?  There's a window to check the level.

[Sar123]

@HisMunchkin I found this video. I don’t know if this is what you’re looking for, but if it is, I hope it helps. 

[Griefsucks810]

On 1/20/2024 at 10:14 PM, steinbok said:

Hurts bad, even though, I had been resigned to the fact that this tumor was going to kill him     Way before he accepted it... I think he fought until his last breath, and I kept hoping he'd rise up, and walk out of the Board & Care just like Lazerus.   
  Doctors pedaled hope, and we both bought into it,

This really sucks, especially nights and mornings.   Breathing and journaling have been suggested.  I started journaling about 3 weeks ago, and make most days.   I keep pretty busy, but not avoiding the grief.  It just pokes its head up there sometime. Triggered by love notes and other forms of affection.      I just turn into a blubbering mess.

I can really relate what you're going through.  Feel free to reach out whenever you feel the need.  We need support in this time.,

What do you write in your journal?  I’m still skeptical about journaling cuz I don’t know what your supposed to write.

[WithoutHer]

1 hour ago, HisMunchkin said:

But the instructions from the car says to check the electrolyte, and if it's low, to add distilled water?  There's a window to check the level.

Well that's news to me but after seeing the video sar123 posted I guess there are still unsealed batteries in use. Looks like a needle nose pliers can be used on those caps if your fingers don't work. 

[HisMunchkin]

56 minutes ago, Sar123 said:

@HisMunchkin I found this video. I don’t know if this is what you’re looking for, but if it is, I hope it helps. 

Thanks, Sar123!!!!!  Will try pliers. 😁

 

 

 

38 minutes ago, Griefsucks810 said:

What do you write in your journal?  I’m still skeptical about journaling cuz I don’t know what your supposed to write.

Maybe you can write to your husband?  I read in one of the grief books about someone whose wife passed away and he's been writing her letters for a year or something.  That helped him.  Not sure if it would help everyone, though.

[WithoutHer]

1 hour ago, HisMunchkin said:

Thanks, Sar123!!!!!  Will try pliers. 😁

 

 

 

Maybe you can write to your husband?  I read in one of the grief books about someone whose wife passed away and he's been writing her letters for a year or something.  That helped him.  Not sure if it would help everyone, though.

I wrote to Vickie using the Notes app on my phone just days after she passed. In short I told her the feelings that were engulfing me and how much I missed her being here. I got into a bit more than that but I needed to release and feel I was sharing with her. I still have those notes on my phone and revisit them when I feel that need. I think it was a big help releasing my pain. 

[KayC]

I journaled after George's loss for a couple of years but then I destroyed them because I didn't want my kids reading them if I died, so hard.

[steinbok]

On 2/17/2024 at 4:56 PM, Griefsucks810 said:

What do you write in your journal?  I’m still skeptical about journaling cuz I don’t know what your supposed to write.

Anything that randomly comes to me.    There's no set rules... could be your day, your feelings, your cries.. Just get it out there.  Almost all Grief books I've ready suggest journaling your day, after it's all done

[HisMunchkin]

Sold our car cause I can no longer maintain it.  Cried when I was cleaning our stuff out.  Found a few of my husband's hospital visit wristbands - brought back bad memories.  Talked to my husband (his ashes) and told him that I'm sorry, but I have to sell the car cause I can no longer maintain it.  The bawled my eyes out.  Tried not to cry when the guy from the dealership came to pick up the car, but still got teary eyed.  Waved goodbye, and the tears started rolling down again.  I don't know why I feel attached to that car.  I mean, we've only had it for six years and hardly went anywhere with it - mostly just running errands.  It sold for half of what we paid for it.  I took multiple pictures of it as keepsake.  I also got to keep the plates.....  It been a sad couple of days.  

[KayC]

I had to sell George's when he died, couldn't afford it on one income.  I bawled my eyes out when I cleaned it out.  Should have had one of the kids do it.

[HisMunchkin]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

I had to sell George's when he died, couldn't afford it on one income.  I bawled my eyes out when I cleaned it out.  Should have had one of the kids do it.

Oh good.  So my reaction is "normal".  That's good to know.  I wish this melancholy feeling would just go away. 😔 

[KayC]

Pretty much any reaction we can have in grief is normal...except I don't know about my mom coming home from Daddy's funeral and IMMEDIATELY throwing his clothes away, followed quickly by all of his finds (he'd had an eye for great finds at garage and estate sales, antiques, etc. all good).  But then my mom never was normal.  I know she missed him but God she was anything but normal...ever.

[HisMunchkin]

My nephew turned one today, so we had a small family gathering to celebrate.  It was nice, but I wished my husband was there and missed him terribly.  Everyone else has already forgotten all about him, which makes me feel even more alone somehow.  I guess that's "my own grief world" thing. 

[KayC]

I felt that when my grandchildren were born and I didn't have George to share in it with me...

[HisMunchkin]

Just went to shovel snow.  There was already 5-6 inches and it's still coming down. 😑  Anyway, one of my neighbors was out too - a very social one.  She came over to ask what's be going on, that she noticed that my car was gone and also saw when my car was taken away.  So I had to explain that my husband passed away and burst into tears again.....  I also learned that another neighbor, who was an old man in his 90's I think, passed away about 2 weeks ago. 🥺  He was a very kind man.  Even invited us over along with a couple of other neighbors shortly after we moved in, and not too long after his wife passed away from cancer. 

[KayC]

So hard

[JonathanFive]

On 3/22/2024 at 7:21 PM, HisMunchkin said:

, and not too long after his wife passed away from cancer. 

Yah, if you are 90 and loose a partner, might as well pay for two tickets...  the human condition, omg, "grief is the worst," at our age.  I am, "just barely surviving this mess."  

[HisMunchkin]

On 3/23/2024 at 11:53 PM, JonathanFive said:

Yah, if you are 90 and loose a partner, might as well pay for two tickets...  the human condition, omg, "grief is the worst," at our age.  I am, "just barely surviving this mess."  

Surprisingly, he lived for another 11 to 12 years.  I found his obituary.  He was just a few days shy of turning 94.  It's going to be pretty quiet around here.