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How can I take care of him after I die?


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I'm not even sure where this goes, or how to write about it.   I kept a journal for years & its over 500 pages and barely mentions the last 30 years!   

I've been my hubby's caretaker for 30+ years.   I have been on death-watch with him for 14 yrs.  He keeps rallying.  I am so thankful for that.   

My only goal has been to see our rescue dogs thru their lives & my husband thru his.  That is my job and my purpose.   I work & am sole financial support.   We did not want to, but we rescued a dog a couple years ago - he is only 3.  We have another, Buddy,  who is 8. 

I thought Bud would be our last & we kinda expected him to outlive Hubby. Latst October we lost both our girls  11 days apart.  We are still grieving them.  That left us with the boys.  The baby, Lex, has impulse control issues.  He is gentle and loving and totally a spoiled lovebug,  but he is also a 107lb  pitbull.   We could not find him a home.


I seldom took care of myself.  I rarely saw a doctor except twice a year for blood work and vitals.I'm  on blood pressure meds and no Doctor ever said anything to me about my test results.  They just talked to me for 3 minutes (or their PA did), wrote prescriptions and charged me $100.  

Last November I was in the ER.   I did spend the night  while they ran tests.   Some of the results were concerning and they said it was urgent I see an OB/GYN.  Due to a change in Insurance I had to wait until Jan.  The OB I went to sent me to an Oncology OB immediately.   

Yes.  The big "C".   Advanced.  

We are trying not to panic, but we also cannot live in denial.   The best option is we sell our house (due to be paid off next year!!) And sell all but what my husband wants to keep.  Put both boys to sleep, and find a place my husband can afford to live on his measley $14,000 a year social security check.  ( his check now helps, but in this time of inflation it doesn't even cover his monthly prescriptions.)


If I die, I MUST die while I am employed.  My employer life insurance is ALL  I have.   Hubby will need that to find a place and have the things he requires.  


I will fight this cancer to a certain point, but I will NOT go into more debt.   


In 2023 I cashed in my "car account" to buy my "dream car"  which I had been saving for, for 30 years (two or three dollars here & there).   Don't get excited - turned out my dream car is a Hyundai. I do love it though.   Anyway, we went into the year with almost no debt.  Then in July our roommate died (we opened our home to a homeless vet a few years earlier. He paid us a small monthly rent which covered the inrease in utilities and gave him some dignity.  We also knew this man).  In July we came home and found him dead.  He had no family.  In October our sweet Emma unexpectedly got sick & she had cancer. The cost of her vet care & ultimate euthansia was $1000. 11 days later, Winnie -- who had been diagnosed in July and we knew she was terminal - started having seizures and we had to let her go.  Another $800.  We now had credit card card debt again.   The end of October & first week of November our washing & dryer both died. They were old and I was going to replace them this year  & was saving for that.  Then our refrigerator crapped out too.  Our water softner also needed an expensive repair, and we had someone look at our dishwasher & said they couldn't even get parts for it!   We bought 4 new appliances.  The day they were installed is the day I ended up in the ER.  Hubby ended up in the ET 3 days later - Hubby fell and it took 3 firemen to extricate him and get him on the gurney!  

I now have a huge credit card debt and a payment plan with the hospital -- and I'm looking at huge medical bills for myself!  

My oncologist needs an expensive test which my insurance refuses to pay for. Thankfully my Dr. is fighting with the insurance company on my behalf.  I still have to pay my deductible/out of pocket, before anything else can be done.    I don't have that much left on my credit card!  


We are selling everything we can - nickle & dime things mostly.  Having yard sales - which is very hard on us physically.  And advertising online.   

We have so much that we can sell & its worth a lot to different people - but how do we get the word out? How do we set it up?  We are not physically able to much now.   An estate-sale can be held, but we must put EVERYTHING we want to keep in one locked room.  The cost of someone to help is do that, plus the cost of the estate sale, and the fact we would need to board the big dog for a week and Bud, Hubby & I stay in a hotel.....  there would be very little, if anything, left over for us.  The stress and effort isn't worth it.   

So that would have to happen after the boys are gone & hubby is settled in his own place, and the house is sold.   

All of this is part of the mechanics of death.  

I am so worried about Hubby.  Thats too much for him to go thru.  We have zero family and he has only one friend in another state to talk with & that friend is going thru his own crisis.


I am not religious.  I consider myself agnostic, but I have some guilt attached to that thanks to my mothers skewed Christian beliefs.   Hubby is so torn - we've tried several churches and never found one he was completely comfortable with.  One minister - who visited hubby after his strokes - left so they could revamp the whole thing and changed everything.   The only people who would come to the house regularly for Bible Study (& they did have weekly Bible Study for several years) was Jehovas Witness.  Hubby said he might call them again just so he has someone to talk and pray with.   

He never went to their Kingdom Hall, and never considered JW until he was feeling sad and alone and they came to the door.   He did find comfort with them, though he still doesnt agree with everything they are teaching.   I would love to believe in something - in some kind of life after death utopia where I would be with hubby and all the dogs and animals weve loved and those that were never loved on earth.  That would be paradise.  But I think if I believed in that, I would have to also believe in the devil and in hell and an eternity of emotional, spiritual, and some kind of physical pain and torment, knowing my hubby & maybe my animals, were suffering - which would be the worst pain.    And that is where I would be.  

OK.  I have rambled.  I am facing cancer.  I am facing killing my last two precious K9 kidz - both rescued from bad situations - simply because I failed.  I am facing putting my dear hubby through a period of upheaval and change - something he never handled well and especially does not handle well since his strokes - and letting him down by breaking my promise. Forcing him to deal with the rest of his life alone and grieving so many losses at once.  

I'm not looking for answers.  Well, I am - but isnt everyone?  😉

I think I just wanted to get that out.   A way of saying I'm Here.  


Thank you for listening.  



PS: sorry for the typos.  I'm doing this all on my phone and my eyes are not that sharp and my thumb-typing is even worse.  

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