Not his #

[Goforth860]

Whelp it happened.  Idk why I was thinking it wouldn't. Since John passed if he was heavy on my mind or I felt like I needed to say something to him. Now don't get me wrong I want to talk with him all day everyday but thats not possible so I would msg him. I dreamt of him last night. We were spooning (him holding me) and I woke up screaming yelling and cussing.  And in my ear I heard him whisper shh it's ok and I laid back down and went to sleep. When I really woke up this morning I was feeling some kinda weird. I don't know if I can explain it. But im going to try to put it into words. I guess it was every emotion at the same time. While feeling empty and alone. I was kinda low but there was a sense of ease to me.  It was like i felt him that close to me. Him whispering was so vivid.  I heard it as clear as day. It felt so good. It was like he was letting me know we are ok. But I texted him and said I dreamt of you last night.  Blah blah blah.  And a lil later my msgs said I had a msg. So I scrolled down them really quick and I was like um no I don't.  Then I saw the msg was marked from John. I didn't see what it said when I  looked in the msg thing but I opened it and it said who is this. I told them that it was my partners # when he passed that I've texted him every once in a while but I guess I can't do that anymore.  I apologized for bothering them and have a nice day. They replied its ok. I'm sorry for your loss. Have a good day. When the conversation was over and I set my phone down.  No actually before I set it in my lap tears were streaming down my face. Bc I remember I couldn't see where I was setting my phone. I cried for a long while. Well later in the afternoon I was talking with a friend and I told her about it all and she asked me why I didn't just delete the #. I told her I can't do that. She said why. I said I just can't. I mean Snoop is still on my chewy appvand shes been gonegoingon 4 years. They still send me bday cards for her. Which the first 2 years it crushed me. I can't delete her either.  That I had my late husband's # in my phone til it crashed and I had to buy another one. She said well maybe that's your next step. To help you move forward. Acceptance.  I said I just can't. She wasn't trying to be mean or pushy. She was just stating an opinion.   An option. So now I can't text him bc it's no longer his #. Maybe it is time to delete the #. That doesn't mean I have to delete our conversations. Idk. Still on the weird every emotion low but at ease kinda feeling. What do yall think? 🤔 

[KayC]

If you delete the number won't it take the conversations with it?  In my texting it would.

[Boggled]

7 hours ago, Goforth860 said:

While feeling empty and alone. I was kinda low but there was a sense of ease to me.  It was like i felt him that close to me. Him whispering was so vivid.  I heard it as clear as day. It felt so good. It was like he was letting me know we are ok.

 I had a moment like that, where I heard "a voice," not HIS voice, just "a voice," saying "it's okay," twice in my head.  It's amazing to me, how those things can make such a difference.  I started to type "little things," but they're NOT LITTLE.

I'd say "take it easy on yourself."  Don't do things you just don't want to do.  You've already been FORCED into recognizing you can't text "him" anymore;  that's enough ... you can still keep the # on your phone, just don't text on it.  My 2-cents worth.

[Goforth860]

@KayC I'm not totally sure. My last phone it wouldn't. It would just delete the #s contact information. I'm honestly scared to take the chance though. I love going back and reading our conversations and seeing him calling me hun and the gifs we sent each other. There is a lot of good memories in those msgs. There's some bad and those are mainly the last ones. That's one reason I did contemplate deleting everything. The last cpl weeks worth of hateful text from me and him just doing his best to make me feel better. Him telling me he wished there was something that he could do to help me. And once again me being so mean and hateful. But there is a lot of good before the last ones that help me see that there were very good times in our relationship. Extremely good. We would send each other gifs and communicate through them. I can see the words hey hun. He always called me hun. I haven't read them in a while and that's another reason for me thinking about just deleting it all. I'm so indecisive. I fell like if I do I'll regret it and there is no going back from the decision to make that move. 

[Goforth860]

4 minutes ago, Boggled said:

I started to type "little things," but they're NOT LITTLE.

No they are NOT little.  Nothing about ANY of this is lil. It's monumental.  It's life altering. There's no changing it. You have no choice except to accept it. I did that to a point  when I finally cut his lamp off in his room. It took me mths to be able to do that. But in my mind that was kinda me accepting him being gone. 

 

8 minutes ago, Boggled said:

I'd say "take it easy on yourself."  Don't do things you just don't want to do.  You've already been FORCED into recognizing you can't text "him" anymore;  that's enough ... you can still keep the # on your phone, just don't text on it.  My 2-cents worth.

I appreciate you telling me to take it easy on myself. I do beat myself up (I actually feel rage towards myself) for my behavior the last cpl weeks of his life. And the night he died I said things to him that were horrible.  I'd never said anything to him like it. And no I don't want to do it. Like I said I had my late husband's # in my phone til it crashed and I had to get another phone. In reality I did know that they would reassign the # but it just took me by surprise.  It was a huge shock.  I mean I've been texting it since he passed Feb of 22. And I was thinking about keeping it. Like you said just don't text it anymore. I am aware that it's NOT his # anymore. Like I told her I just can't. I had to lay my 17 yo dog Snoop to rest Sept 14th of 20 and I still have her on my chewy acct. They still send me bday cards for her. I just can't. Or I haven't been able to. It's like that would be the last thing. The final straw. She would be deleted out of my life from everything except the box she's in on the shelf hanging in my room. Ik that's not true but that is the way I feel. And I feel like John would be deleted out of my life. I had to change my emergency contact and every time they even mention an emergency contact I break down.  I lose it. I don't do loss well at all. Ik most ppl have a hard time with it. I'm not saying I'm special when it comes to having a hard time with losing loved ones or anything like that.  But I feel abandoned when I lose someone. Like I'm left behind. It's been like that since my grandpa passed when I was 5. Like he just walked outta my life. And every time I lose someone close to me it just rips my heart out. As I've said in a post before I feel like I'm ashes being blown away  by the wind lil by lil with every loss. And there's been quite a few. None of it gets any easier. I actually feel void. Like my chest is empty. No one and nothing left. But I feel so much pressure in there I also feel like it's going to explode. I still have problems catching my breath. Ik I'm breathing and I'm taking in oxygen but I just can't catch my breath. I've been through this so many times you'd think I'd be used to it. Be a pro and loss and grief.  But I'm not. It's never the same either. Each one hits me in a different way. I think they're getting harder to handle. Bc I'm becoming more and more alone. I don't have anyone of "mine" left.  My dad mom husband Snoop John.  There's quite a few and they were all mine . They were me. And now 99.999% of me is gone.  I'm doing my best to stay together and find "ME". Who I am without all of the part's that were me that have passed on.  It's rough and if it weren't for my babies I'd be lost. They can't talk to me but their cuddles and their eyes speak volumes. Thank you for your 2 cents.  I truly appreciate it.

[Boggled]

31 minutes ago, Goforth860 said:

And every time I lose someone close to me it just rips my heart out. As I've said in a post before I feel like I'm ashes being blown away  by the wind lil by lil with every loss. And there's been quite a few. None of it gets any easier. I actually feel void. Like my chest is empty. No one and nothing left. But I feel so much pressure in there I also feel like it's going to explode. I still have problems catching my breath. Ik I'm breathing and I'm taking in oxygen but I just can't catch my breath.

I am sorry you are going through this!   And I'm glad you're on here where other people are also going through this (including me).   One thing I've noticed, for ME, is that I've often felt that my hands feel "healing" a lot of times, and it helps ME to just put both hands over my heart sometimes.  

Our hearts are more than most of us think, just did this search .      ... we are electromagnetic beings "60 times" ...     because one article I'd read mentioned that our hearts put out 60 times more electromagnetic energy than any other part of us.  One link I found was this: Science of the Heart | HeartMath Institute

"The heart has been considered the source of emotion, courage and wisdom for centuries. For more than 33 years, the HeartMath Institute Research Center has explored the physiological mechanisms by which the heart and brain communicate and how the activity of the heart influences our perceptions, emotions, intuition and health. Early on in our research we asked, among other questions, why people experience the feeling or sensation of love and other regenerative emotions as well as heartache in the physical area of the heart. In the early 1990s, we were among the first to conduct research that not only looked at how stressful emotions affect the activity in the autonomic nervous system (ANS) and the hormonal and immune systems, but also at the effects of emotions such as appreciation, compassion and care. Over the years, we have conducted many studies that have utilized many different physiological measures such as EEG (brain waves), SCL (skin conductance), ECG (heart), BP (blood pressure) and hormone levels, etc. Consistently, however, it was heart rate variability, or heart rhythms that stood out as the most dynamic and reflective indicator of one’s emotional states and, therefore, current stress and cognitive processes. It became clear that stressful or depleting emotions such as frustration and overwhelm lead to increased disorder in the higher-level brain centers and autonomic nervous system and which are reflected in the heart rhythms and adversely affects the functioning of virtually all bodily systems. This eventually led to a much deeper understanding of the neural and other communication pathways between the heart and brain. We also observed that the heart acted as though it had a mind of its own and could significantly influence the way we perceive and respond in our daily interactions. In essence, it appeared that the heart could affect our awareness, perceptions and intelligence. Numerous studies have since shown that heart coherence is an optimal physiological state associated with increased cognitive function, self-regulatory capacity, emotional stability and resilience.

"We now have a much deeper scientific understanding of many of our original questions that explains how and why heart activity affects mental clarity, creativity, emotional balance, intuition and personal effectiveness. Our and others’ research indicates the heart is far more than a simple pump. The heart is, in fact, a highly complex information-processing center with its own functional brain, commonly called the heart brain, that communicates with and influences the cranial brain via the nervous system, hormonal system and other pathways. These influences affect brain function and most of the body’s major organs and play an important role in mental and emotional experience and the quality of our lives. "

idk.  If there are any reiki practitioners in your area, maybe find one willing to just put their hands over your heart?   I am sorry SORRY! you are feeling this rage against yourself!  Other people on here could undoubtedly explain better than me ... but yes, bad things happen in relationships, this is just the way things ARE, but the relationship is way bigger than the bad things, it's a huge connection, and MY OPINION:  if you're hearing "it's okay" from your loved one, that's (in MY OPINION) REAL, and the huge connection is way more important than whatever was going on where you were writing mean things to him, and the huge connection is ... way bigger.

I'm sorry if this seems confused ... 

 

[Goforth860]

10 hours ago, Boggled said:

I'm sorry if this seems confused ... 

 

@Boggled I think you said it and great and showed me that.  And it did not confuse me. I don't totally understand but I get it. And everyone has told me he knew me and my whole life. Everything I have been through and the diagnosis I've gotten.  He forgave me before it ever came outta my mouth (text). I pray this is true.  But it did feel amazing hearing (like you said) "a voice" not HIS voice but it made me think that HE WAS the one letting me know that it's ok. We're ok. Im ok. I am truly appreciative of my primary Dr for sending me to this site and to ALL of y'all who have taken your time to help me through this time in my life. This journey I'm on. That we're ALL on. And thank God we're here together for each other because no one knows what you're going through  better than someone going through the same thing. 

MUCH LOVE TO YOU ALL ❤️ 

[DWS]

On 1/14/2024 at 12:31 AM, Goforth860 said:

So now I can't text him bc it's no longer his #. Maybe it is time to delete the #. That doesn't mean I have to delete our conversations. Idk. Still on the weird every emotion low but at ease kinda feeling. What do yall think? 🤔 

I can totally understand how upsetting this next step of change would be for you. Back in those horrible first days, I thought about continuing as usual with texts to Tom as my way to keep up conversations with him but I figured the heartbreak of not getting responses would be too much for me to bear. Instead, I decided to journal and wrote the conversations to him just like I would if I was texting. I kept that up for a few months and slowly ended it when I realized I was forcing myself to write something out of some sort of commitment rather than a sincere need to talk to him. I like talking to him out loud in the house now. It feels sweeter that way. 

But this topic of deleting the phone number did give me a bit of a panic attack thinking that all of those texts between him and me were lost with his phone number cancelled. I hadn't looked at them since that first tragic day and was comfortable knowing that they will always be there if ever I wanted to revisit them...something that I still wasn't willing to approach...but I quickly checked yesterday. Thankfully, they are all still there. I did a search online and read that they are basically embedded into the phone itself so that is a relief!! I think it works like email messages. Those messages stay in my inbox regardless of whether the sender's email still exists. 

[foreverhis]

I have actually been afraid to text or call John’s number because the thought of someone else having it doesn’t sit right with me. Obviously, my logical side knows that is ridiculous and those numbers do not belong to us in perpetuity. My heart says, “No. That’s his number and no one else’s.” While I do live in reality, I guess I prefer to keep the fantasy alive that no one else deserves to use it. If I don’t check it, then it’s still his, perhaps a form of Schrödinger‘s equation/theory/hypothesis.

[Griefsucks810]

On 1/14/2024 at 9:24 AM, Boggled said:

I am sorry you are going through this!   And I'm glad you're on here where other people are also going through this (including me).   One thing I've noticed, for ME, is that I've often felt that my hands feel "healing" a lot of times, and it helps ME to just put both hands over my heart sometimes.  

Our hearts are more than most of us think, just did this search .      ... we are electromagnetic beings "60 times" ...     because one article I'd read mentioned that our hearts put out 60 times more electromagnetic energy than any other part of us.  One link I found was this: Science of the Heart | HeartMath Institute

"The heart has been considered the source of emotion, courage and wisdom for centuries. For more than 33 years, the HeartMath Institute Research Center has explored the physiological mechanisms by which the heart and brain communicate and how the activity of the heart influences our perceptions, emotions, intuition and health. Early on in our research we asked, among other questions, why people experience the feeling or sensation of love and other regenerative emotions as well as heartache in the physical area of the heart. In the early 1990s, we were among the first to conduct research that not only looked at how stressful emotions affect the activity in the autonomic nervous system (ANS) and the hormonal and immune systems, but also at the effects of emotions such as appreciation, compassion and care. Over the years, we have conducted many studies that have utilized many different physiological measures such as EEG (brain waves), SCL (skin conductance), ECG (heart), BP (blood pressure) and hormone levels, etc. Consistently, however, it was heart rate variability, or heart rhythms that stood out as the most dynamic and reflective indicator of one’s emotional states and, therefore, current stress and cognitive processes. It became clear that stressful or depleting emotions such as frustration and overwhelm lead to increased disorder in the higher-level brain centers and autonomic nervous system and which are reflected in the heart rhythms and adversely affects the functioning of virtually all bodily systems. This eventually led to a much deeper understanding of the neural and other communication pathways between the heart and brain. We also observed that the heart acted as though it had a mind of its own and could significantly influence the way we perceive and respond in our daily interactions. In essence, it appeared that the heart could affect our awareness, perceptions and intelligence. Numerous studies have since shown that heart coherence is an optimal physiological state associated with increased cognitive function, self-regulatory capacity, emotional stability and resilience.

"We now have a much deeper scientific understanding of many of our original questions that explains how and why heart activity affects mental clarity, creativity, emotional balance, intuition and personal effectiveness. Our and others’ research indicates the heart is far more than a simple pump. The heart is, in fact, a highly complex information-processing center with its own functional brain, commonly called the heart brain, that communicates with and influences the cranial brain via the nervous system, hormonal system and other pathways. These influences affect brain function and most of the body’s major organs and play an important role in mental and emotional experience and the quality of our lives. "

idk.  If there are any reiki practitioners in your area, maybe find one willing to just put their hands over your heart?   I am sorry SORRY! you are feeling this rage against yourself!  Other people on here could undoubtedly explain better than me ... but yes, bad things happen in relationships, this is just the way things ARE, but the relationship is way bigger than the bad things, it's a huge connection, and MY OPINION:  if you're hearing "it's okay" from your loved one, that's (in MY OPINION) REAL, and the huge connection is way more important than whatever was going on where you were writing mean things to him, and the huge connection is ... way bigger.

I'm sorry if this seems confused ... 

 

Wow Boggled what an interesting piece of information you put in your post about our hearts!!  Didn’t realize how much my heart is effected by my mental and emotional state as well as my quality of life.  I don’t want my heart health to decline because of my mental health issues- omg that’s the last thing I need is to have a heart problem. 

[LMR]

On 1/14/2024 at 2:24 PM, Boggled said:

I am sorry you are going through this!   And I'm glad you're on here where other people are also going through this (including me).   One thing I've noticed, for ME, is that I've often felt that my hands feel "healing" a lot of times, and it helps ME to just put both hands over my heart sometimes.  

Our hearts are more than most of us think, just did this search .      ... we are electromagnetic beings "60 times" ...     because one article I'd read mentioned that our hearts put out 60 times more electromagnetic energy than any other part of us.  One link I found was this: Science of the Heart | HeartMath Institute

"The heart has been considered the source of emotion, courage and wisdom for centuries. For more than 33 years, the HeartMath Institute Research Center has explored the physiological mechanisms by which the heart and brain communicate and how the activity of the heart influences our perceptions, emotions, intuition and health. Early on in our research we asked, among other questions, why people experience the feeling or sensation of love and other regenerative emotions as well as heartache in the physical area of the heart. In the early 1990s, we were among the first to conduct research that not only looked at how stressful emotions affect the activity in the autonomic nervous system (ANS) and the hormonal and immune systems, but also at the effects of emotions such as appreciation, compassion and care. Over the years, we have conducted many studies that have utilized many different physiological measures such as EEG (brain waves), SCL (skin conductance), ECG (heart), BP (blood pressure) and hormone levels, etc. Consistently, however, it was heart rate variability, or heart rhythms that stood out as the most dynamic and reflective indicator of one’s emotional states and, therefore, current stress and cognitive processes. It became clear that stressful or depleting emotions such as frustration and overwhelm lead to increased disorder in the higher-level brain centers and autonomic nervous system and which are reflected in the heart rhythms and adversely affects the functioning of virtually all bodily systems. This eventually led to a much deeper understanding of the neural and other communication pathways between the heart and brain. We also observed that the heart acted as though it had a mind of its own and could significantly influence the way we perceive and respond in our daily interactions. In essence, it appeared that the heart could affect our awareness, perceptions and intelligence. Numerous studies have since shown that heart coherence is an optimal physiological state associated with increased cognitive function, self-regulatory capacity, emotional stability and resilience.

"We now have a much deeper scientific understanding of many of our original questions that explains how and why heart activity affects mental clarity, creativity, emotional balance, intuition and personal effectiveness. Our and others’ research indicates the heart is far more than a simple pump. The heart is, in fact, a highly complex information-processing center with its own functional brain, commonly called the heart brain, that communicates with and influences the cranial brain via the nervous system, hormonal system and other pathways. These influences affect brain function and most of the body’s major organs and play an important role in mental and emotional experience and the quality of our lives. "

idk.  If there are any reiki practitioners in your area, maybe find one willing to just put their hands over your heart?   I am sorry SORRY! you are feeling this rage against yourself!  Other people on here could undoubtedly explain better than me ... but yes, bad things happen in relationships, this is just the way things ARE, but the relationship is way bigger than the bad things, it's a huge connection, and MY OPINION:  if you're hearing "it's okay" from your loved one, that's (in MY OPINION) REAL, and the huge connection is way more important than whatever was going on where you were writing mean things to him, and the huge connection is ... way bigger.

I'm sorry if this seems confused ... 

 

I found this really Interesting. I had never heard it before but it makes perfect sense to me. When I look at a photo of my lost love my heart almost jumps out of my chest. It's such a physical reaction. My emotions are definitely not located just in my head.

[Boggled]

On 1/22/2024 at 1:55 PM, LMR said:

found this really Interesting. I had never heard it before but it makes perfect sense to me. When I look at a photo of my lost love my heart almost jumps out of my chest. It's such a physical reaction. My emotions are definitely not located just in my head.

it's interesting to me too.  And the part where that HeartMath Institute quote says:  (I don't know why this quote is saying "LMR said," it just DID it)

On 1/22/2024 at 1:55 PM, LMR said:

We also observed that the heart acted as though it had a mind of its own and could significantly influence the way we perceive and respond in our daily interactions.

I have noticed what I've thought of as a VERY STUBBORN part of "me" that just WON'T, and in my perception the "won't" part has been to that word "accept," which I strongly dislike, as well as to the "5 steps" theory which I also disagree with and which has been "debunked" so many times online FOR PEOPLE WHOSE LOVED ONE HAS DIED, because it was created FOR PEOPLE WHO WERE DYING!   anyway, maybe that very stubborn part of me is my actual heart????   Maybe the heart connection is something we just don't understand?  spiritual even?  

[Boggled]

On 1/14/2024 at 6:47 PM, Goforth860 said:

But it did feel amazing hearing (like you said) "a voice" not HIS voice but it made me think that HE WAS the one letting me know that it's ok. We're ok. Im ok.

that word, "okay," is relatively new:  OK / okay / A-OK — Wordorigins.org    ... it's a great word for our loved ones to communicate to us, and for us ourselves, to feel!   It's not in the Bible, or other "sacred works," because the word postdates the "sacred works" by at least a thousand years.   But that's the word I heard in my head twice.   (dunno why this is striking me as funny, but it does.)

[Griefsucks810]

On 2/3/2024 at 9:54 AM, Boggled said:

that word, "okay," is relatively new:  OK / okay / A-OK — Wordorigins.org    ... it's a great word for our loved ones to communicate to us, and for us ourselves, to feel!   It's not in the Bible, or other "sacred works," because the word postdates the "sacred works" by at least a thousand years.   But that's the word I heard in my head twice.   (dunno why this is striking me as funny, but it does.)

Wish I could hear his voice or a voice telling me he is okay. 

[KayC]

You and me both, sister!

[Griefsucks810]

On 1/22/2024 at 2:55 PM, LMR said:

I found this really Interesting. I had never heard it before but it makes perfect sense to me. When I look at a photo of my lost love my heart almost jumps out of my chest. It's such a physical reaction. My emotions are definitely not located just in my head.

I always thought our emotions stem from the heart and not so much our heads.

[Griefsucks810]

I still have my husband’s Android phone and the text messages I have from him from 4 years ago have not disappeared. The phone no longer dials out and the phone number has long been assigned to someone else. I kept the phone cuz I receive my Gmail emails on their, I have many pics saved to the SIM card and I have one or two voicemail messages from him saved to the SIM card.