Surreal

[ashleyrunsthis87]

2023 was a strange year to say the least. The majority  of the year went by like most years have in my adult  life. You know regular routines; work home life and family life the occasional struggle or inconvenience. And you just get used to it all to the point where it almost feels programmed. I had been working and paying bills and  just existing for the longest time I guess you could say things were going well.  The months were flying by fast forward  to September  my daughter just turned 2 and then October it was a rainy  uneventful month and then November  came along I was going into the second  month at my new job and all seemed well. Then on the 4th of November I was off to work as usual not a care in the world, I thought it would be just another day... but then my phone was buzzing and I glanced at it and my aunt was telling me my mom wasn't feeling well so she was on her way to help out with my daughter. In my head I thought ok well this isn't the first time she called to let me know something  like this so I thought it was no big deal. Then when my aunt arrived she informed  me that my mom was incoherent  and said her head was hurting and she started to slur in her speech so my aunt called the ambulance as she believed my mom was having a stroke. The ambulance  got there quickly  and took her to a nearby hospital that best treat her for what they thought was a stroke. At this point I was confused  and afraid of  what might have happened because I wasn't even there when it happened. But then I was trying to keep  the positive attitude and I said to myself well I'm glad someone was there with her and they got her help right away and people do survive who have experienced strokes so I thought to myself she can get  through this. But then I get another update once she arrives to the hospital  that she had an aneurysm burst and then all the fear and panic  set right back in again as I also know that when a person experiences a brain bleed if they survive  they will more than likely never be the same. So after they discovered her bleed they began to drain the blood and medivac  her to John Hopkins to further treat her injuries. So after she was flown there I immediately  left work and went to be by her side as soon as she was stable. So now she was in a coma and non-responsive but still alive. And when I got to see her I was just overcome with sadness but amazed that she was still here and I believed she was fighting so as much as I wanted to break completely  down and give up all hope there was still a tiny glimmer of hope that I had to cling on to. Each day that passed  I would be constantly  on edge; I would cry and pray and panic and wait for updates. My dad stayed by her side as I had to work and take care of my daughter and  unfortunately kids aren't allowed in the neuro-icu so I would have to visit her with a time limit and there was only 2 adults allowed at a time in the room anyways. I always felt bad that I couldn't  stay past 9 and I always felt worst knowing that my dad had to be there alone overnight and make any and all decisions  reguarding her care but he did what he had to do and for that I'm proud of him. He would include  me in some of the decisions  and he would always ask my opinion on what the next steps for her care should be so I was greatful to be a part of that. When we first had our meeting with the doctors and surgeons they basically  sat us down to prepare us for what was to come and of course her prognosis was grim due to the amount  of damage the bleed had done so our optimism began to waver. A few days went by and she hadn't showed much improvement but she was beginning to move her legs and feet from time to time and on the 4th day she opened her eyes which I thought was a a step in the right direction. In total they operated on her 3 times to try to repair the issue but they never did find the source of the bleed which eventually stopped on its own. So I then actually started to really believe that all the prayes and well wishes were some how helping her heal. She continued moving more and was  starting to respond to touch; her breathing was improving and they were able to move her to a less intensive care area in the hospital so at this point I'm thinking things are starting to look up. Our next step was  to find her a rehabilitation facility and we found one near home so that was a plus. She  had already  been in the the hospital  for a month so rehabilitation was the next thing to work on. She was transferred to the rehab center December 4th at around 3:00pm and my Dad was there waiting for her arrival. He stayed with her for a few hours to make sure she had been settled in properly  and then when he returned home I went to go see her and stay with her till visiting hours were over. All was calm and quiet and before leaving  so I set up her night light  told her I loved her and would see her tomorrow  after work. December 5th I got up and dressed  and was getting  ready to head out  for work but then my Dad called me and said that  he got a call from the rehab  saying my mom was unresponsive  so we headed up there right away to see what was going on  when we arrived the paramedics were there and they were packing up their equipment  to go. We  were  approached  by the lead and he said they had worked on her for quite a bit with no response so they called her time of death at 6:50 December 5th 2023. My dad sat down  first at the foot of her bed and I sat down last  on the right hand side  of her bed it was so surreal and we both just silently  cried. I held her hand until the funeral  home came to pick her up and I was just so hurt and confused  and angry about  everything. I wanted answers  but there wasn't  any. And I wanted someone to blame but I didn't know who. I had so many questions but there  was no one who could explain it to me. And just like that I lost all my faith and hope and I felt foolish for even believing that there was going to be a positive outcome  to this whole situation.  I felt like all the praying and staying positive  was just building up false hope. I even felt like maybe my prayers were not good enough or maybe my beliefs were not strong enough and I thought to myself maybe I'm being punished for not being a good person. I kept thinking why her and why not me or some other person that's older and sicker  or just an overall terrible  individual. Then there's all the people that were telling me to be strong and pray and trust in God... all that now shifted to well at least she's no longer suffering  or in pain and she is free from this imperfect world and no longer has to endure  struggles  with her health  issues. 

There is also a selfish  part of me that resents the fact that she left just like that with no goodbye and she left us here with all these things that belonged to her and the fact that she preceded her 83 year old mother  with dementia who has no clue whats going on or who her daughter  even is. She just left and  that's it so  now we are all here trying to figure  things out. And it mostly upsets me that she'll never be able to see her one and only granddaughter grow up and worst of all since my daughter  is only 2 she probably  won't remember  much of her and I know how crazy I sound right now because  some people don't even get 2 years and some people never got to know their parents  or grandparents but I guess I just wanted more I at least wanted my daughter  to have the same amount  of time that I got with my grandmother's that I now realize  how rare and precious that  time truly has been. Everything is just too quiet now to the point where the silence is deafening. It hard to get used to the silence and the fact that my phone will never ring from my mom calling me ever again. I do still have some voice-mails saved so I can hear her voice but it's definitely not the same. And now when I sleep and wake up for a split  second it will feel like none of this had ever happened  but the feeling  is haunting  and continues to be one of the most surreal experiences that  I have had in a long time

 

 

[LoveNeverDies]

I’m so very sorry. Huge hugs . I just lost my mother on January 24th , I know how surreal and heartbreaking it is . I would suggest making a picture album for your daughter and when she’s old enough, telling her all about who her grandmother was . I find comfort coming here and writing down my thoughts, I hope it helps you too ❤️