First major loss (Dad)

[ShellFlei]

Hello:

My dad died in early December. It was expected, and he lived a good, long life, and I was fortunate to be with him in his last few days. I feel like I should be more accepting of his death, but I'm not. It feels unreal.

I have had to be "on" since he died, making decisions, planning things. Then came the busyness of the holidays, and finally, planning the memorial service. Now that's over, I've started to come down some. But, I don't want to do anything, and I don't care about anything. I just want to cocoon in bed. I feel so ashamed because I have a wonderful husband and son, but nothing matters to me. 

We had a family vacation planned before Dad started declining in earnest, and I told my husband I wasn't sure I would be up for it, and he got upset with me. So, I forced myself to go, because I thought the alternative of being home alone would be worse. I have a history of depression and anxiety. And, I thought sun and activity would be good for me. But, I feel awful, and really negative about everything.

I don't know what a healthy balance is between resting and honoring my feelings and needs, and keeping up routines or forcing myself to do something.

My dad was my rock and compass and I feel so lost without him. I don't know how people do this, and move on. I can't imagine losing a loved one suddenly or too early.

My anxiety level has also spiked, the world just seems even scarier now, and I worry about my husband or son dying suddenly, and not being able to cope.

Sorry, this is all over the place. I'm a mess! I can't cry, though, probably on account of meds I'm on. So, I haven't really gotten any sort of release. 

I appreciate you "listening", and a safe space to share dark thoughts. Would appreciate any advice.

Thanks in advance, and my best to all of you out there who are also struggling. Take care.

 

[widower2]

I'm so sorry for your loss. Don't be ashamed of your feelings. Everyone grieves in different ways; there is no "normal" or "this is how you should do it." Go with what works for YOU. Anyone who tells you differently is clueless and should be ignored. I hope this site can help.

[ShellFlei]

Thank you, widower2 for the response, condolences, and reassuring words, I really appreciate it.

[AubieTN]

Hi Shell, 

My dad died recently. He lived a wonderful and adventurous life, triumphed over cancer for 23 years, and passed slowly as I sat alone with him, counting his final breaths. And then, like you, I orchestrated almost every step of the funeral and burial services. Being ON for weeks. Now, I'm home alone and have no direction at all. I completely forgot about a Zoom meeting with supportive women tonight for a Bible study. I sometimes feel like you described so well: curling up in a cocoon in bed. At first, I thought I was recuperating from the adrenaline of going and going and going. But now, I'm rested. I don't want to do anything. But I have to work. And I have to keep my house. The only thing I really get excited about is seeing my grandchildren. And then, it seems like Daddy is still here. I can talk with him about the grand loves - and I can talk with them about him. I'm so saddened to know that you feel empty and want to do nothing. It does not feel good at all. Hopefully, finding community here, taking time to grieve, and obtaining therapy will help. (And if one more person says, "Everyone grieves in their own way." I'm going to scream!) I truly wish you the best and will be thinking of you. 

[ShellFlei]

Hi, Aubie:

Thanks so much for the reply. I'm so sorry for the loss of your Dad. My dad was a cancer survivor as well for a long time, but then developed a different type of cancer, had surgery for it, but couldn't tolerate chemo, and it ultimately returned and killed him. I'm sorry to hear you are struggling with some of the same feelings I am, but it is also comforting to hear I'm not alone in that regard. I'm glad to hear you have a supportive group of women to draw from, and that you have grandchildren that bring you so much joy. Even better that you feel your dad's presence when you spend time with them. Something I saw on this site that someone suggested to someone else is to actually write to your deceased parent regularly, another way to keep them alive. I've never been one to write diaries or journals, but I gave it a try, and it helps in getting the thoughts in my head down on paper. Since first posting, we celebrated our son's 20th bday, and I was actually able to enjoy the day, and had a good day after as well. I was feeling more hopeful and purposeful because I had been trying to think of ways to honor Dad, such as volunteering to drive cancer patients to their chemo appointments, or packing groceries for the elderly in need. Since then, I've crashed, again, however. I suppose that's par for the course. I hope you're able to rest after work and on the weekends, at least, because grief takes a strong toll on the body, and you probably still need it. I will be thinking of you, too, thanks, and hoping you can find the strength to get through, and also comfort, and continuing moments of joy. Feel free to keep me posted, and take good care. Best, Shell

[AubieTN]

Shell, 

Thank you for your kind and gentle response. It is one of the hardest things I've ever been through, no doubt! And as my adult children have moments of grief - dreams, unexpected memories triggered by a song or a smell, an anniversary of any kind, or nothing at all - I see that this is going to be a lifelong process. And it makes me sad that my parents felt so ???? the need to stop talking about my grandparents when they passed. I was younger when both grandfathers died, but both grandmothers lived into their 90s, so I was an adult with children when they passed away. I'm definitely more of a mind to keep my dad's memory alive here and now! I talk of him, I talk TO him - lol - and I do not hesitate to speak of him. (except at work - I don't want that intrusion. I felt ambushed the first few days back.) Daddy had a relationship with his great-grandson, and I'm talking with the toddler about his "GrandBeau" daily.  He doesn't comprehend what has happened that we know of, but he asks about Daddy and sees his photos. I'm not going to ignore it. I am still on the struggle bus of energy - it comes and goes quickly. I'm working to honor my body and accomplish my duty and goals this year. 

One thing I thought about as I reread your initial post was this: when you mention that you're anxious and fearful of your husband or son being in an accident or something else dreadful happening, that's a particular part of your brain that is attempting to keep you safe. But it does not serve you to allow those thoughts to continue. My grandmother used to say, "You can't keep a bird from flying over your head and pooping on you. But you can definitely keep it from building a nest in your hair!" This old Southern wisdom refers to our strong thoughts, which lead to feelings and actions. And the results of those actions may not be what we want to experience. In other words, you can't believe a thing you think.   The amygdala of the brain is connected to the limbic system and initiates these thoughts. The ONLY job of the amygdala is to keep us out of harm's way (know that creepy sensation you get on your neck when you look off a high cliff or a building?! That's the limbic system saying, "Move on back!") and keep us alive. In that same way, it responds to near misses in car accidents, scarcity thoughts about money, and more. Those goosebumps you get on your arms sometimes after seeing a snake. That's your limbic system protecting you. It's like a five-alarm fire - it sends in every available firetruck to put out the fire at hand!

But sometimes, it can get mixed up, just like any other system we have. And it latches on to one thing and just won't let go. I don't know if this resonates with you or not. This could be what is continuing to occur regarding your husband and son, whom I am confident are strong, healthy, and wise and will be home at the end of every day. I've found addressing these "brain farts" with somatic actions or therapy to be very helpful. By reminding your body that YOU are SAFE now, you control the limbic system and can tell it to Stand Down! You can tell the limbic system that the fire is under control now. It's time to head back to the station and clean up. YOU control your mind - the amygdala portion. It does not control you. You can be empowered to KNOW beyond a shadow of a doubt that your world is safe now. 

I trust that this is helpful to you and others. It has helped me. (And I paid a lot of money to learn about this! LOL! You get it for free.) I don't know why, but I felt compelled to share it, and I do my best to listen to that small voice of power and clarity. Here are a few articles on healing the somatic nervous system (SNS), which is a part of the limbic system that extends to all parts of your body through your muscles. https://www.health.harvard.edu/blog/what-is-somatic-therapy-202307072951 https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapy-types/somatic-therapy  https://www.instagram.com/theworkoutwitch_/?hl=en   https://www.instagram.com/wakingwomb/?hl=en  

Be well! HUGS!

[AubieTN]

Also, I've found this to be helpful. The Neptune Society 12 Weeks of Grief. It's simple - which is good because I cannot process much right now. And it's straightforward - so I don't have to think about it, either! LOL

 

https://neptunesociety.com/12-weeks-of-peace/week-1?source=90days-wk1

[ShellFlei]

Thanks, AubieTN for the message, your thoughts, information, and resources. I am familiar with the workings of the amygdala, limbic system, and somatic experiencing. I am grieving the loss of Dad on top of longstanding depression and anxiety. And, I have been grieving these last several years as Mom and Dad have declined physically and mentally. Mom has dementia.  I also have a history of childhood trauma, so I'm primed for hyper vigilance, and fight/flight/freeze/fawn. Luckily, I have come across some helpful YouTube videos over the years, and do guided breath work and meditation. But, I have been incorporating more body work, such as stretching and walking, and it's helping. Unfortunately, I have an injury that prevents me from doing more vigorous exercise right now.  I've been writing to Dad regularly, and that's helping, and I attended my first grief support group. The chaplain shared a reading, "A Blessing for the Exhausted", which was very affirming, and also instructive.

You didn't write very much about how you're doing. I hope you're as ok as you can be, and I hope talking about your dad and talking to him brings you comfort and peace. 

Take care.

[AubieTN]

Hi Shell 

Thank you for the conversation. 
I’m saddened to hear your mom has dementia. That’s awful! 
Our childhood paths seem quite common as well as the resulting mental health issues that come from trauma. Like you, I have found meditation, yoga, walking, and other somatic therapies and adrenal concoctions to be helpful in arresting the fight/flight/freeze/fawn moments. I suppose it will be an ongoing lifetime of healing. 
Me? I think I’m doing okay. I joined a local GriefShare group. It’s nice to know they’re there even if I haven’t access their help much yet. And I’m seeing my therapist weekly for now. That’s very helpful and encouraging. 
Part of my trauma has been related to my brother and mother. I’ve began to slowly set greater boundaries with them and the relief from the unhinged anger is delightful! It’s allowing me a sense of freedom I’ve never had as an adult or child. It’s odd to think that I’m almost 60 years old and just now feeling like I can be myself. I do my best to focus on where I’m going and achieving the things I wanted to achieve all of my life. But I also have to have conversations with that little girl whose hopes and dreams have been smashed up on rocks and thrown into the sea. So I give her some comfort.  And focus on being the adult who now has the freedom to do whatever she wants to do. 😊

Over the past year, as my dad ever so slowly declined, I believe I was in grief all that time. So I don’t know that this early time after his death is as crushing for me as it might be for other people.
 

It's truly been a relief for me, for my mother, and obviously, for my dad. I feel odd being at peace and not crying about him no longer being with us. However, I truly cannot be sad that he’s not here because his presence here would mean that he was in excruciating pain and was not himself. 
 

From what I understand as I learn more about grief and loss, my gastrointestinal upset, my sleeping 12 hours a day, my indecision, and my general lack of energy for more than 4 to 6 hours a day is all a part of grief as well as an abundance of tears may be.  so that’s how I’m doing… Thank you so much for asking. I’ve enjoyed being back at work. I am a realtor and I love my work!!! It’s been very good for me this week to be back at work and to spend some time reconnecting with my grandson. I hope to see my granddaughter this weekend. She’ll be six months old tomorrow. I’m looking at progress. Just a little bit every day. Perfectionism seems to have left the building. And that’s a good thing.

I trust that you will continue to love on yourself and take care of you. I’ll be thinking of you as you work with your mother.

Be well!

[ShellFlei]

Hi, AubieTN:

Thanks for the message, and letting me know how you are doing. I'm glad you're ok, getting some support, finding things that work for you, and making progress, bit by bit. That is very heartening. I'm also happy to hear that going back to work has helped.

I've been struggling, and unable to find a release, have been unable to cry since Dad died. But, I keep trying different things to help me process my emotions and find that release. I know it will take some time. 

I hope you are enjoying your time with your granddaughter this weekend!

Have as good a week ahead as you can. All the best-