My husband's funeral was today

[AzgirlUK]

I officially said bye to my husband today. The funeral home was behind because they seem to be overstretched right now. I thought I'd be stronger and not break down in front of everyone at his funeral.  But, I couldn't do it. The minute I heard the song we would listen in the car on family road trips, I broke down in front of everyone. It just hit me we weren't going roaming anymore and I felt very, very alone with two children to raise. It was like standing in a big tunnel with this wild wind about to knock me down. 

So yeah...Today was a sad day. I just needed a moment to vent.

[KayC]

Making it through the funeral is a hard landmark at best, I remember George's, every part of it.  I remember singing "It is Well" as it's my testimony and a song he loved, not based on feelings.  No part of this journey seems easy but it does evolve...eventually.

[immortalgypsy]

We didn’t have one. I couldn’t face it.

[widower2]

I'm so sorry. I remember that day. I think I only survived partly because I was in denial and partly because I somehow went on "auto pilot" as a defense. It was all surreal to me. Often yet it still is.

I hope this site can help you in some way. It's a great group of people.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, widower2 said:

It was all surreal to me.

Surreal is a good word for that day...I remember his friend's partner coming with him to my house unbidden before the funeral (very intrusive) and her grabbing his hat and clutching it and saying, "I want his hat!!"  Are you ____ KIDDING ME!!!  I grabbed it back and clutched it to me and cried, "It's GEORGE'S hat!!"  WTH?!!  People can be idiots. 😡

[Adriennelc]

I am so sorry.  I wept my way throughout the whole funeral and day.  It's so hard and the pain is almost unbearable at times.  My heart goes out to you and your children xx

[Griefsucks810]

I didn’t have a funeral for my husband cuz his family abandoned me after telling them that he died and he ended friendships while he was alive which became unhealthy and toxic so there were no friends either. 

I had my husband cremated cuz this is what he wanted.  I was unable to find a priest who would give the last rights to him before being buried in his final resting place.  It was me, my daughter and my friend Rae Rae who were at his cremation burial.  I had his marble urn buried in his family burial plot just like he wanted. I felt proud of myself for fullfiling his last wishes. 

On 1/12/2024 at 7:53 AM, KayC said:

Surreal is a good word for that day...I remember his friend's partner coming with him to my house unbidden before the funeral (very intrusive) and her grabbing his hat and clutching it and saying, "I want his hat!!"  Are you ____ KIDDING ME!!!  I grabbed it back and clutched it to me and cried, "It's GEORGE'S hat!!"  WTH?!!  People can be idiots. 😡

How insensitive his friend was to you; glad that you took the hat from him. 

[Adriennelc]

Grief can split families wide apart esp if there is money involved.  You find out who people really are!  I was ashamed of my husbands family.  They behaved so badly at the funeral and afterwards towards me.  It  makes everything twice as hard to cope and deal with.
Thanks to this site and mindfulness I am starting to cope after 4 months.  I am so grateful that I had all those years with my Mr Wonderful and that is what I hold onto.

[AzgirlUK]

8 hours ago, Griefsucks810 said:

I didn’t have a funeral for my husband cuz his family abandoned me after telling them that he died and he ended friendships while he was alive which became unhealthy and toxic so there were no friends either. 

I had my husband cremated cuz this is what he wanted.  I was unable to find a priest who would give the last rights to him before being buried in his final resting place.  It was me, my daughter and my friend Rae Rae who were at his cremation burial.  I had his marble urn buried in his family burial plot just like he wanted. I felt proud of myself for fullfiling his last wishes. 

How insensitive his friend was to you; glad that you took the hat from him. 

My husband wanted be cremated, so we had a small service. But, it was hard to handle. I realized today need an urn because his ashes are coming back to me for his ashes release in the spring. So, I've got the blues. I'm not sure how I'll handle it with everything else going on.  Thank you for your reply. 

[AzgirlUK]

7 hours ago, Adriennelc said:

Grief can split families wide apart esp if there is money involved.  You find out who people really are!  I was ashamed of my husbands family.  They behaved so badly at the funeral and afterwards towards me.  It  makes everything twice as hard to cope and deal with.
Thanks to this site and mindfulness I am starting to cope after 4 months.  I am so grateful that I had all those years with my Mr Wonderful and that is what I hold onto.

Adrienneic, I am worried about the same thing because his family as never been super fond of me and there's possible money involved. Even if I'd acted as his nurse and carer for over four years, they didn't think I was good enough for him. So, I was on my own putting bandages on his injuries, getting his meds, taking him to docs, and so much that I still can't talk about. I did it because I didn't want him to worry that no one would stay with him through his illness. Only to be told I wasn't good. People can be jerks. Thanks for thinking of me. I hope your grief too will lessen over time.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, Griefsucks810 said:

glad that you took the hat from him. 

It wasn't his friend, it was his friend's GF, sure did grab it back from her!  Took me nine years to let go of it, I gave it to his one true friend, not these people.

[Griefsucks810]

1 hour ago, AzgirlUK said:

My husband wanted be cremated, so we had a small service. But, it was hard to handle. I realized today need an urn because his ashes are coming back to me for his ashes release in the spring. So, I've got the blues. I'm not sure how I'll handle it with everything else going on.  Thank you for your reply. 

Where are you releasing his ashes at? 

41 minutes ago, KayC said:

It wasn't his friend, it was his friend's GF, sure did grab it back from her!  Took me nine years to let go of it, I gave it to his one true friend, not these people.

Good to hear that you gave your husband’s hat to his one true friend. I’m sure he treasures the hat. 

[Griefsucks810]

1 hour ago, AzgirlUK said:

Adrienneic, I am worried about the same thing because his family as never been super fond of me and there's possible money involved. Even if I'd acted as his nurse and carer for over four years, they didn't think I was good enough for him. So, I was on my own putting bandages on his injuries, getting his meds, taking him to docs, and so much that I still can't talk about. I did it because I didn't want him to worry that no one would stay with him through his illness. Only to be told I wasn't good. People can be jerks. Thanks for thinking of me. I hope your grief too will lessen over time.

You should disregard his family’s remarks that you weren’t good cuz you know that you did everything right by your husband until he died. 

[7779311]

Cremation was hard for me, too. There was something about knowing that my husband's body would be gone had another level of finality for me, even though feeling that way made no logical sense. I couldn't sleep the night before the scheduled cremation and then cried a lot that day.

[KayC]

@7779311 I am sorry for your loss.    How long has it been since you lost him?
Welcome!  I hope you'll continue to read and post, it helps to know others are going through similar.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[7779311]

Thank you. Yesterday was five weeks.

[KayC]

It is fairly early in then, although it probably feels like an eternity at this point.  Surreal is the word often used...

[Griefsucks810]

On 1/23/2024 at 12:54 AM, 7779311 said:

Cremation was hard for me, too. There was something about knowing that my husband's body would be gone had another level of finality for me, even though feeling that way made no logical sense. I couldn't sleep the night before the scheduled cremation and then cried a lot that day.

Sorry for the loss of your husband.  I also had my husband cremated so I can relate to you feeling a level of finality.  Do you have your husband’s ashes?  How have you been since the cremation?  Hope that you’ll find peace and happiness in your life in due time. 

I brought 2 marble urns; one for the cremation burial and one for myself which is inside of my entertainment center.  When his cremation day arrived I was a nervous wreck. I was thankful to the undertaker for letting me spend time with my husband the day prior; that I was able to see him for one last time, to tell him that I loved him and had a final goodbye.   

[AzgirlUK]

Well, he came home today. My husband's ashes are back and I've kind of fallen apart all over again.  I knew that they were bringing them to me, but it was so surrealistic.  I know this form of his is gone forever. I just nodded to the undertaker, shut the door and just howled. I didn't know I could feel this type of sorrow. It's just not fair. In the years I saw him breakdown from his illness, I'd cried a lot of tears and I thought I could handle it when they bought his ashes because I'd already cried so much.

But, I couldn't. I just held the box and cried.  His family wants to have an ashes release in April on a mountain he liked to walk at, but I'm so crushed right now that I just want to hide. 

I'm really down right now. I keep thinking if we'd done...fill in the blank...would he still be alive?  I'm sorry to unload. But, damn if I don't feel broken.  Thanks to everyone whose replied and for letting me vent.

[JonathanFive]

44 minutes ago, AzgirlUK said:

I keep thinking if we'd done...fill in the blank...would he still be alive? 

Bargaining..   I've been at it all morning.   It's a response to grief, it's essentially the mind attempting to rationalize, to calm anxiety, and also has elements of denial.  I imagine that bargaining does indicate a level of acceptance - obviously our minds know when we are bargaining our loved one is not going to return, so we are trying to figure out ways we could have, "altered fate."  

Somethings just, "are what they are."

I am sorry for your loss.

[Adriennelc]

5 minutes ago, AzgirlUK said:

Well, he came home today. My husband's ashes are back and I've kind of fallen apart all over again.  I knew that they were bringing them to me, but it was so surrealistic.  I know this form of his is gone forever. I just nodded to the undertaker, shut the door and just howled. I didn't know I could feel this type of sorrow. It's just not fair. In the years I saw him breakdown from his illness, I'd cried a lot of tears and I thought I could handle it when they bought his ashes because I'd already cried so much.

But, I couldn't. I just held the box and cried.  His family wants to have an ashes release in April on a mountain he liked to walk at, but I'm so crushed right now that I just want to hide. 

I'm really down right now. I keep thinking if we'd done...fill in the blank...would he still be alive?  I'm sorry to unload. But, damn if I don't feel broken.  Thanks to everyone whose replied and for letting me vent.

It's awful this pain.  I feel so sorry for you and wish I could say something that would make you feel a bit better but alas this is the pain we have to go through.  You can't go under it,  you can't go over it.  Cry, howl, sob, shout and scream all you want - better out than trying to keep it in.
I managed to spread Ken's ashes last week.  You'll know when it's time to let go so don't let anyone push you into it before you are ready.
Sending you love from Scotland. xx

[JonathanFive]

49 minutes ago, AzgirlUK said:

His family wants to have an ashes release in April on a mountain he liked to walk at, but I'm so crushed right now that I just want to hide. 

Friendly advice:  take at least 1 or 2 years before deciding on what to do with the ashes.

My spouse's ashes are staying with me in his urn.  His family also requested I do things with ashes, and I denied their requests.  I don't know what the law in the UK is, but in the USA it is very clear.  Marriage = final decision regarding anything belongs to spouse.

Edited January 25 by JonathanFive
typo

[Adriennelc]

4 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

Friendly advise:  take at least 1 or 2 years before deciding on what to do with the ashes.

My spouse's ashes are staying with me in his urn.  His family also requested I do things with ashes, and I denied their requests.  I don't know what the law in the UK is, but in the USA it is very clear.  Marriage = final decision regarding anything belongs to spouse.

 

4 minutes ago, JonathanFive said:

Friendly advise:  take at least 1 or 2 years before deciding on what to do with the ashes.

My spouse's ashes are staying with me in his urn.  His family also requested I do things with ashes, and I denied their requests.  I don't know what the law in the UK is, but in the USA it is very clear.  Marriage = final decision regarding anything belongs to spouse.

It's the same over in Scotland thank goodness.

[KayC]

24 minutes ago, Adriennelc said:

You'll know when it's time to let go so don't let anyone push you into it before you are ready.
Sending you love from Scotland. xx

Amen to that!

[7779311]

19 hours ago, Griefsucks810 said:

Sorry for the loss of your husband.  I also had my husband cremated so I can relate to you feeling a level of finality.  Do you have your husband’s ashes?  How have you been since the cremation?  Hope that you’ll find peace and happiness in your life in due time. 

I brought 2 marble urns; one for the cremation burial and one for myself which is inside of my entertainment center.  When his cremation day arrived I was a nervous wreck. I was thankful to the undertaker for letting me spend time with my husband the day prior; that I was able to see him for one last time, to tell him that I loved him and had a final goodbye.   

Thank you for your response. I'm glad you found some comfort in the process, whatever I suppose you could summon. Cremation was 2 weeks ago. I suppose I'm pretty much the same except I have more distractions since I'm back at work. I have the ashes now but have a scattering ceremony scheduled for March. He always wanted cremation & scattering off his favorite beach. He hated the idea of any type of confinement, even for his ashes, so I will honor his wishes. There will be a short honor guard ceremony dockside also. He was proud of his military service, albeit during peacetime. 

[Griefsucks810]

On 1/25/2024 at 1:27 PM, AzgirlUK said:

Well, he came home today. My husband's ashes are back and I've kind of fallen apart all over again.  I knew that they were bringing them to me, but it was so surrealistic.  I know this form of his is gone forever. I just nodded to the undertaker, shut the door and just howled. I didn't know I could feel this type of sorrow. It's just not fair. In the years I saw him breakdown from his illness, I'd cried a lot of tears and I thought I could handle it when they bought his ashes because I'd already cried so much.

But, I couldn't. I just held the box and cried.  His family wants to have an ashes release in April on a mountain he liked to walk at, but I'm so crushed right now that I just want to hide. 

I'm really down right now. I keep thinking if we'd done...fill in the blank...would he still be alive?  I'm sorry to unload. But, damn if I don't feel broken.  Thanks to everyone whose replied and for letting me vent.

I also had my husband cremated and when I was given his urn it seemed so sereal; that this is so final and now all that I have of him is his ashes. I brought 2 marble urns- 1 for myself with his ashes and 1 for burial with his ashes.  
The marble urn I have is sitting inside my entertainment center and I placed a replica of a Harley Davidson motorcycle on top of the urn.  

Don’t let his family make the decision about his ashes. Your the wife and it’s your call as to what you wanna do with his ashes or if you wanna keep them. 
 

 

[Griefsucks810]

On 1/25/2024 at 1:40 PM, JonathanFive said:

Bargaining..   I've been at it all morning.   It's a response to grief, it's essentially the mind attempting to rationalize, to calm anxiety, and also has elements of denial.  I imagine that bargaining does indicate a level of acceptance - obviously our minds know when we are bargaining our loved one is not going to return, so we are trying to figure out ways we could have, "altered fate."  

Somethings just, "are what they are."

I am sorry for your loss.

Grief has its way of making a person to think back to the death day and figure out ways we could have “altered fate.”  Fate is a life event which occurs without warning and we have no control of the outcome. 

God took my husband from me the way he did and when he did because that’s how his fate was supposed to happen.  

I just recently fully accepted my husband’s death for how it happened and fully accepted that all of the whatifs, could haves, should have beens and what could have I done all died with my husband. 

Everybody’s fate has already been determined by God as to when we’ll die and how we will die. He is the only one who can change the outcome of fate if he allows it. 
 

[7779311]

On 1/25/2024 at 10:27 AM, AzgirlUK said:

Well, he came home today. My husband's ashes are back and I've kind of fallen apart all over again.  I knew that they were bringing them to me, but it was so surrealistic.  I know this form of his is gone forever. I just nodded to the undertaker, shut the door and just howled. I didn't know I could feel this type of sorrow. It's just not fair. In the years I saw him breakdown from his illness, I'd cried a lot of tears and I thought I could handle it when they bought his ashes because I'd already cried so much.

But, I couldn't. I just held the box and cried.  His family wants to have an ashes release in April on a mountain he liked to walk at, but I'm so crushed right now that I just want to hide. 

I'm really down right now. I keep thinking if we'd done...fill in the blank...would he still be alive?  I'm sorry to unload. But, damn if I don't feel broken.  Thanks to everyone whose replied and for letting me vent.

You're right; it's not fair. I'm guessing that, when you received his ashes, it was like learning all over again that he is gone. As we navigate our new realities, we are taught again and again that our loved one is no longer with us in very painful ways. I'm very sorry that this was one of them for you. It's o.k. if his loss felt new all over again and you were trying to comprehend how this could be. This wasn't supposed to be part of your marriage and your love story. If it is any comfort, I think that, in time, we will learn easier than we do now. Grief is love that needs expression, so give yourself permission to express it and don't ever apologize for loving him the way you do. And take the time that you need. I hope this helps. My heart is with you. 

[widow39]

I am so sorry for your loss. I too have recently lost my husband 12/19/23. I feel your pain and pray that we both might have brighter days ahead of.

[Griefsucks810]

On 1/11/2024 at 8:06 PM, immortalgypsy said:

We didn’t have one. I couldn’t face it.

My husband didn’t want a funeral or a memorial service. He wanted to be cremated and I honored his wishes. 

[7779311]

On 2/17/2024 at 8:53 PM, widow39 said:

I am so sorry for your loss. I too have recently lost my husband 12/19/23. I feel your pain and pray that we both might have brighter days ahead of.

Thank you. Most days I have a real hard time envisioning much brightness, but thank you. 

[Mortarion]

I'm deeply sorry for your loss and the pain you're going through. It's completely normal to feel overwhelmed during such emotional moments, especially when facing the reality of saying goodbye. Remember, grieving takes time, and it's okay to let your emotions out. If you ever need someone to talk to or support, don't hesitate to reach out. Also, considering funeral arrangements in advance can help alleviate some stress during difficult times. I recently came across Newrest Funerals, which offers compassionate and affordable cremation services. You can find more information at newrestfunerals.co.uk. Take care, and know that you're not alone in this journey.

[KayC]

47 minutes ago, Mortarion said:

I'm deeply sorry for your loss and the pain you're going through. It's completely normal to feel overwhelmed during such emotional moments, especially when facing the reality of saying goodbye.

Welcome here, you want to tell us a little about yourself?  When you're ready that is.  Who your person is you lost, when, etc.

It helps to come here to read and post, let's you know you're not alone and there's others that get it.

Thank you for responding to someone here, that's very sweet.