My soulmate died 10 months ago

[eggs]

What I've been struggling the most with, even since day 1, is this un-expressable level of awe by how amazing he was. Everyone would always talking about how amazing he was, but even outside of that, I have been truly in awe by what an incredible, brilliant, wise, hilarious, creative, giving, unique, special, unbelievable person he was. The best way to describe him is truly 1/1. Sometimes it feels like he was a different species. My feelings about this are so strong that I don't have words to quantify them, and sometimes it just feels like I'm going to explode because that's the only representation of how strong my feelings are. Literally infinity. This is a very isolating place to be in, when there aren't words. 

What really scares me is that I feel this way. Because if you can't humanize a dead person, nothing else in life will compare. And I'm noticing that this is where I'm really stuck in my grief, and causes me to struggle to find joy in life without him. It's caused me to be seriously depressed, too. The problem is I've tried so hard to think of flaws or humanize him or notice when I'm idealizing him, but I simply can't find significant flaws besides like 2 things (and in my eyes they don't even matter), and it just doesn't feel like I'm idealizing him. Even though something in my gut says I am, I can't rationally find any concrete things that I'm actually idealizing. Even when he was alive, I remember thinking he was truly something else, and always admiring/looking up to him as a role model. I found this old voice note where he and I were talking and I was recording it because it felt special, and I was reflecting on his remarkable, unbelievable character , and said to him "you're not a human", because I thought his character was so remarkable, that he was too good.

Having known and deeply loved someone like this, I feel... screwed. I feel like I need to put in serious work at humanizing him, but it just feels inauthentic/forced. But otherwise, I'm super depressed. We were only in love for 1 year, so it also feels like I need to go off of faith that there were things that would have revealed themself over the years, but idk.. from the moment I met him I knew he was something special. His soul spoke to mine in a way no one else did. I felt the most seen and the least alone I ever have in life. A true soul connection. 

I really want to get married and start a family, but I just don't know how I could ever move on if I feel this way about him. Other people (in general) have hugely disappointed me in comparison to the standards of quality human/character I was blessed to build with him, and it really depresses me. I also feel like he was the only one intelligent enough to see me in the way I needed to be seen. I'm so in love with him. And I just think no one can live up to the man he was. And I worry that I felt this way too when he was alive. I feel like I'm just screwed for having met the best person ever. Advice please please please.... I'm so scared.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, but glad you found your way here.   Welcome.

My SIL lost her fiance in college.  But by the time she met someone (my BIL) when she started her first job, they fell in love and got married, had a child.  They've been married over 50 years now.  I would proceed with an open mind but take a day at a time, and if something felt right, proceed.  Right now you can't imagine anyone else in your life, and that's okay too.

Please tell us a little of your story, how long ago did you lose him?  And it could be no one will live up to him but it could be someone totally different that has other unique qualities you admire, a slower growing kind of connection.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[DWS]

I am truly sorry for the devastating loss of your one and only. It is the most horrible place to be. All of us here know all too well the pain, the anxiety, the emptiness, and the daunting bewilderment at now having to make steps forward in life. Some will find the path less challenging than others. For myself personally, it's proving to be much more difficult and will take longer. 

Part of the reason is my increasing understanding of just how good a fit my partner Tom was to my personality. He was a terrific guy in my eyes but I also had to remind myself of his minor flaws and quirks. We only got four years together and within that time, we never had any fights or heated discussions...although I remind myself that there were times of frustration too. And this did, as you say, "humanize" him. It kinda took him down from this pedestal that I kept insisting he be on. Humanizing him actually brought me more hurt because it set the stage of reality closer to my heart. It showed our life together clearly.

Within this scenario of deeper loss, one thing emerged and that was his love and admiration for me. This super, terrific, one-hell-of-a-guy chose to be with me and that makes me feel pretty good. It must mean that if someone so magnificent liked where he was...to this person in his life where he found home with...that, therefore, means I'm pretty special too. I love him for making me see that. I love that I was loved.

Your last paragraph indicates that you are much younger than me. I can't and I wouldn't want to try to pull you away from how you're seeing the road ahead of you. Grief is love and all of us here manage that truth in our own messy, cloudy, hesitative way as we try to take slow steps forward. But I do hope that I can help you see how incredible of a person you are. And if there's you who is incredible plus your person...add in my special guy and then let's add in myself as well since my special person chose me, that makes four of us. There are also so many incredible people on this site that I've met during my grief journey so they need to be included too. This helps me see that the road ahead might be less scary. 

[Boggled]

18 hours ago, eggs said:

I feel like I need to put in serious work at humanizing him, but it just feels inauthentic/forced. But otherwise, I'm super depressed

super depressed, man, that's a lot LIKE what grief is!  and it's related to Love.  From my experience (19 months now) you just have to go through it.  There's no magic pill.  People suggest journaling, which I've done and it does seem to help.  Also just writing on here, sometimes it just helps to know other people also are going/have gone through this grief!  I'm sorry he had to die so early on in your relationship!  

But really, there's a difference between "grief" and "depression."  In my case, I can say the main feeling of "grief" for me, has been sorrow.

Sorrow because someone you loved, died, is not the same as "depression" ... try doing a search .... grief v depression ... 

[KayC]

Depression vs symtomatic depression in grief

 

 

  

[RichS]

Eggs: Welcome to our board. We are all very sorry for your loss. You’ve come to a good place here. There are lots of folks here who can relate to the feelings you’re experiencing. Please continue to post here.

[JonathanFive]

Hello,

I am very sorry for your loss.

• It doesn't matter how long you loved somebody, it only matters that you loved him.  
• From my favorite bumper sticker, "we are not human beings on a spiritual journey, we are spiritual beings on a human journey."

On, "humanizing," a person who has passed - that person was present in your life as a human being, there is no way to change that, he was human during the time you shared together.  This person - this embodiment that was human, has now returned to the state of being an eternal soul.

Perhaps you are not trying to, "humanize," per se, but are more likely, "attempting to bargain," with the reality of our finite existence.

Once again, I am very sorry for your loss.  

Edited January 14 by JonathanFive
typos, grammar