In shock, new loss

[rlh]

My 45 year old husband's burial service was this week. He went in for what was supposed to be a 3-5 hour excision of a benign tumor and had a massive stroke during the procedure, the extent of which we didn't know for several days. The night of Christmas Day we learned that the stroke damaged more than half of his brain. He passed 2 days later. 

I'm still in shock. He was supposed to be home recovering from what we'd been told was a fairly straightforward procedure. I'm worried about out young teen son and my ability to keep us living where we are right now to avoid more unheaval. I'm depressed - my husband, my best friend, was literally my only support in our city. I'm fortunate to have friends and family reaching out from elsewhere, and family has stayed intemittently since the day of the surgery, and local parents we know and our neighbors have offered support, but none of that is the same as having someone here and immediately accessible that I'm comfortable letting my guard down with at a moment's notice.

I'm angry - that this was so unanticipated an outcome, that we spent several days not even knowing how bad the stroke is (how could they not have known?!), that they reassured with "he's young and has a good chance of recovering from a stroke" that "the swelling is within what's expected post-stroke", that the followup scan, they said the swelling was stable and hadn't gone down, and I had to specifically ask if it had increased, to have it minimized as "a little but no more than we'd expect to see post-stroke". 

The day after my husband passed, family was at my house and I have never felt so alone among my bil/sil and my mil/fil. Not unloved, but definitely separate. 

I'm grateful for friends checking on me, especially the ones who don't ask "how are you?" When doing so. I'm grateful for those who have offered help in specific tangible ways (mom asking what food they can bring, bil/sil offering to take down the Xmas lights, workers sending a gift card to a prepared food service). I'm so tired.of being asked how I'm doing even if it's well meant. I'm so tired of people asking "how can I help", because I can hardly brain right now and thinking of something to ask for is something I don't have energy for.

I haven't slept well since the initial surgery, over 2 weeks now, and I have.had hardly any caffeine despite being a daily coffee drinker, because it aggravates my anxiety.

[KayC]

I am so sorry, I was 52, my husband had turned 51 five days before he died, it was a shock...cardiac with diabetic influence. I got the hospital bill and lost the most important person in my world.  It took me three years but I finally went on Buspirone for the anxiety and will be on it the rest of my life, GAD, unapologetically.

I understand your feelings about people asking what they can do.  I remember someone coming up and weedwhacking, didn't ask, just started doing it.  That meant so much to me.

It's good to come here to read and post.  You'll find with all of us in different stages of grief (I'm 18 1/2 years out now) we're all over the place on this forum, but that doesn't mean we can't understand you...we can and do, we've been there and you never forget these early days.  At least I haven't, not a part of it.

Just nod yes to their offers, you don't have to think.  I had a glazed over look a lot I'm sure.  You may not register any of this right now but save it and refer back to it later on, you'll use it to check through from time to time.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[immortalgypsy]

2 hours ago, rlh said:

My 45 year old husband's burial service was this week. He went in for what was supposed to be a 3-5 hour excision of a benign tumor and had a massive stroke during the procedure, the extent of which we didn't know for several days. The night of Christmas Day we learned that the stroke damaged more than half of his brain. He passed 2 days later. 

I'm still in shock. He was supposed to be home recovering from what we'd been told was a fairly straightforward procedure. I'm worried about out young teen son and my ability to keep us living where we are right now to avoid more unheaval. I'm depressed - my husband, my best friend, was literally my only support in our city. I'm fortunate to have friends and family reaching out from elsewhere, and family has stayed intemittently since the day of the surgery, and local parents we know and our neighbors have offered support, but none of that is the same as having someone here and immediately accessible that I'm comfortable letting my guard down with at a moment's notice.

I'm angry - that this was so unanticipated an outcome, that we spent several days not even knowing how bad the stroke is (how could they not have known?!), that they reassured with "he's young and has a good chance of recovering from a stroke" that "the swelling is within what's expected post-stroke", that the followup scan, they said the swelling was stable and hadn't gone down, and I had to specifically ask if it had increased, to have it minimized as "a little but no more than we'd expect to see post-stroke". 

The day after my husband passed, family was at my house and I have never felt so alone among my bil/sil and my mil/fil. Not unloved, but definitely separate. 

I'm grateful for friends checking on me, especially the ones who don't ask "how are you?" When doing so. I'm grateful for those who have offered help in specific tangible ways (mom asking what food they can bring, bil/sil offering to take down the Xmas lights, workers sending a gift card to a prepared food service). I'm so tired.of being asked how I'm doing even if it's well meant. I'm so tired of people asking "how can I help", because I can hardly brain right now and thinking of something to ask for is something I don't have energy for.

I haven't slept well since the initial surgery, over 2 weeks now, and I have.had hardly any caffeine despite being a daily coffee drinker, because it aggravates my anxiety.

Sending you love. My husband passed a few days before yours, just going into a hospital for what we thought was the flu. I can echo all of your sentiments. He was only 50. The loneliness, the tiredness of hearing…How can they help. I don’t know how to help myself much less what they can do for me. All of the uncertainty. It’s all here. All I can send is love right now. And I hope you get as much rest as you can. 

[rlh]

1 hour ago, immortalgypsy said:

Sending you love. My husband passed a few days before yours, just going into a hospital for what we thought was the flu. I can echo all of your sentiments. He was only 50. The loneliness, the tiredness of hearing…How can they help. I don’t know how to help myself much less what they can do for me. All of the uncertainty. It’s all here. All I can send is love right now. And I hope you get as much rest as you can. 

I'm so sorry you are going through this same journey right now. It's the hardest, most painful thing I've had to navigate. The one person I get the most comfort from right now is my mom, who just lost my dad in early 2022. This is not a thing either of us wish we had to "bond" over. Most of my other supports are still happily married with their person, so while they are here, there's still a loneliness to that support. I hope you have been able to get what rest you can while pushing through this early grief.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, immortalgypsy said:

He was only 50.

Mine turned 51 five days before.  It just felt like a cruel joke...not so funny though.  My person should be right here beside me as I go through this snowstorm, yet he's been gone 18 1/2 years.  I ask how one processes that yet we have to go on...as someone on a grief from named Darrel used to say, one foot in front of the other...or one day at a time (or hour or minute).

[KayC]

Not to mention the cruel joke of him dying on Father's Day.  I spend them alone since my kids' dad is still alive.  

[rlh]

I'm so sorry - while it's always a hard loss, it's so hard when it's also tied to a holiday. I already have mild dread about how I'll manage next Christmas for my son on the anniversary of a very traumatic week of events. Christmas day was always just the three of us with us then spending time with family at other times in the week. 

[HisMunchkin]

I'm so sorry for your loss.  He was so young, and it was so unexpected.  I have had a lot of anxiety too since my husband's passing.  I don't have any advice.  Just, *big hugs* to you.  Wishing you strength, courage, and wisdom to soldier on.  And remember, you are not alone.