My mom died 3 days ago and the guilt and missing her are killing me

[Daryle]

Hello all, I am 43m and my mom was 74. After my dad passed away 15 years ago I made a 2nd home out of their basement and moved in to help take care of everything (mom, home, property). I had only had my own place for 2 yrs before I came back. Since then, my mom and I have been inseparable. I am engaged now, have been for 7yrs, and my mom and fiance loved each other as well. My mom was cursed with just overall bad health. For last several years battling degenerative disc disease, arthritis, tiredness, IBS, etc. Nothing life threating, but all add up to make someone miserable. I have been doing all the house cleaning, shopping, dr. Appt's, helping my mom with everything, and I didn't mind it at all because my mom was the most precious woman with the biggest heart ever. Last Friday she complained about her side hurting really bad when I went up to see her at 9:30am. This is the same side she fell and hit a few months back and bruised a rib. I took her to the ER at that time and after a horrible night they sent her home with no help, but even in more pain from laying on a horrible mattress. I asked her if she wanted to go to ER and she begged me not to take her just let her rest. I checked on her at 11am and 1pm and both times she was laying in bed trying to get comfortable, but in a lot of pain. I told her I would be back at 3 and if she was still hurting we HAD to go to hospital. I was so tired I fell asleep on the sofa and woke up at 3:30. Figuring I would go upstairs and be heading to ER. When I came up my precious momma was laying back on the bed with her legs off the side like she had been sitting up. She had blood all over her nightgown, leg, and mouth like she was coughing up blood, and had passed. This has destroyed me! All I keep thinking is if I had forced her to go to the ER, or if I had not dozed off, I could have helped her and she would still be here. Even though she was miserable, battling depression, in pain all the time, and ready to go “home", I feel I completely failed her and just let her die. Whatever this was, it was major and theres no gurantee they could have saved her, but i feel like i didnt try even against her wishes. I have no idea how to shake this feeling and guilt. My mom was my world. I don't even know how to have my own life anymore. Not hearing her footsteps upstairs, talking to her before work, calling to check on her at work, seeing her when I get home, talking to her later thay evening. I don't even know how to have a life or routine absent my mom.

[KayC]

Welcome here, I am so sorry for your loss.  You were a good son and cared about your mom, would have done anything for her!  You could not have known this would happen and were undoubtedly exhausted.  My heart goes out to you.  
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Guilt In the Wake of a Parent's Death
Coping with “Moment-of-Death Guilt”

 

Imagine what your mom would say to you if she could...tell yourself that.  I'm a mom, I doubt she'd be hard on you, more like appreciative of all you did for her.

[Traz]

There is a saying that goes something like this: "What happened, happened. It couldn't have happened any other way, because it didn't." I remind myself of this when I can't change a circumstance that occurred and it's eating at me. 

I am so sorry for the traumatizing loss of your mother, that would have been horrific. It's possible you have PTSD from finding her in that state and the guilt - (though unfounded) is overwhelming you. 

Sadly, I have read about guilt so many times on this forum. For some reason, we feel the need to take all of it on - that missed phone call, that moment your guard was down and you think you should have known something was wrong... on and on. You were checking on your mom every 2 hours. She had a fall previously and was in pain. That makes sense. In NO way would that have been an indication of pending death. 

The only thing that matters in the end is our intentions. You cared about your mother, you loved her very much and were attentive to her. Think of the aging parents whose kids abandon them. That was not you. When our time comes, there is no stopping or preventing it. There is not one thing I can think of that you could have done differently with the knowledge and information you had at the time. 

Your mom would not want you carrying this burden. That I know for certain, because I'm a mother. I took care of my mom too and that's common to not know your purpose afterward. A lot of caregiving bereaved go through that. It takes a lot of time to process. 

I would suggest grief counselling, if you are at all able to. Groups are helpful or you might find one on one sessions more comfortable.

I'm glad your fiance is there to support you. It sounds like she had a special bond with your mom too. You can each share your pain and later on, the things that made you smile about your mom. 

I am sorry you're hurting. I hope you are able to let go of the guilt and honour the love you had for your mom instead. 

Peace to you.

Traz

[Kindred Spirit]

I am so, so sorry you are going through so much trauma, Daryle.

My mom was my support, my soulmate, my only family, my only EVERYTHING. I know from your message you felt the same about your Mom, too. She loves you and knows how much you love her. You were consistently checking on your Mom and there was no way you could predict what was going to happen. Everything you've written tells me you did everything right given the circumstances. Your Mom knows that, also. Hold on to that, always. 

 

[JosephFlorida]

Daryle, I just found this site tonight as I was looking to better understand the grieving process. I lost my Mom a little over a year ago and it’s still a process to accept it.
I basically created an account so I could respond to what you wrote. Firstly, I echo and agree with what Traz and the others have already said. Please reread those messages and (as best you can) really hear them.
What I have to say to you personally is this: I can relate in many ways to what you wrote. Your Mom sounds SO much like mine before she passed. I remember her begging me to let her rest and to not put her back in the hospital. I need to tell you… Everything that played out with your Mom’s passing did so just as it was meant to. It was time. With every part of my being, I believe she was ready to go.. and even your fatigue was no accident. I don’t expect you to believe me, or understand, but I am sort of an intuitive. Our Moms were suffering Daryle… they knew.. and it was time. I beat myself up a lot about things I might’ve done differently to keep her longer but I now know everything happened the way it was supposed to. Our Mom’s gave us life, they love us and want us to go on. Hard as it is for us, we owe it to them to let them be at peace and live our lives as fully as we can. God bless you. Grieve, yes .. but know that you’re not alone. Your Mom will always be with you and smiling upon you. We can do this. We can accept and heal, for them as well as us. 🙏