Confused and hurting. Does it count?

[Zailey]

I met my fiance, Lucas, when we were 15 and 16 he was a year older than me but I didn't mind and I know we were young. We met December 2020 online and quickly grew close. By January 2021 we were dating. He was the best person I had ever met, he knew when I was sad and needed comfort or he knew when I missed him and would call me. In between the mess of life and loving each other unconditional we made the decision to get engaged and began planning our life together, looking at apartment in his country and mine, sharing Pinterest boards of what we could possibly do, endless hours of FaceTime and inside jokes. We had our rough patches but to all hope and prayers we made it to a year and then two. Still happily engaged, still just as in love as day one and still just as close if not closer.

A few weeks after our two year anniversary in February of 2023 I came online to a text that absolutely shattered my heart. He was telling me goodbye and he loved me beyond this world but he just couldn't do it anymore, he'd watch me from the heavens and be my guardian. My heart sank and shattered as I broke down crying, my person couldn't be gone no no no. I refused to believe it, I convinced myself he just left me and that he was living happily somewhere else with someone else, that I wasn't it for him anymore. November came and I was like a walking zombie, have been since February and I got a text along with a picture. He passed in May three months later. I broke again. My world crumbled at my feet any hope of him returning was gone and what little of my spark that remained vanished too. I still question why he told me goodbye in February but maybe it was to give me extra time or maybe he attempted and someone stopped him but he didn't have the heart to come back and tell me.

The first few days were a blur and then all I remember was crying and blaming myself before it hit me, I was now the same age as him and now I'll be the older one next year.

My person is truly and utterly gone. He lost his battle with depression, suicide had won and worst of all I didn't see he needed help. Could I have helped him?

I'm at a loss of words and my feelings are all mixed and confused. Christmas sucked and new years is going to suck too. I know there is life after loss but I feel like I lost a major part of myself with him...

People tell me "it doesn't count" or "we were to young to know "
But does it count? Am I just being foolish? Am I allowed to grieve? Was I just naive?
Maybe... But I needed to vent, I need to process, I need to know.

[KayC]

Oh Hon, of course it counts!  People say stupid things in an attempt to make you feel better, but it doesn't.  They just don't know what to say, they want you back as you were, not understanding you'll never be that person again.  In time you will learn from this, and be a better person for having gone through it, but it can take a very long time to get there and meanwhile your heart is shattered and all of us have to find our own way through grief but it doesn't all have to be today or even this year.  We're all making our way through this, death has a beginning, but not an ending, but it does evolve...in time.

My heart goes out to you!  You have found a good place here, this is like a family of grievers from all over the world, and of course you're allowed to grieve!  Of course it counts.  I'm so sorry your world was shattered, that your person took his life.  People who commit suicide are thinking of the pain they're in and to them that overshadows the pain they'll cause.  Oh how I wish I could convey what I've learned on this journey, but it will come to you at your own pace and time.  

Spouse's Suicide
Surviving A Spouse's Death by Suicide
Grief Support for Survivors of Suicide Loss

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[shawnt]

You love who you love, and of course it counts , ALL love counts. And you count because you loved. Be kind and gentle with yourself.

[immortalgypsy]

23 hours ago, shawnt said:

You love who you love, and of course it counts , ALL love counts. And you count because you loved. Be kind and gentle with yourself.

Perfectly said. Sending love 

[Griefsucks810]

On 12/31/2023 at 1:41 AM, Zailey said:

I met my fiance, Lucas, when we were 15 and 16 he was a year older than me but I didn't mind and I know we were young. We met December 2020 online and quickly grew close. By January 2021 we were dating. He was the best person I had ever met, he knew when I was sad and needed comfort or he knew when I missed him and would call me. In between the mess of life and loving each other unconditional we made the decision to get engaged and began planning our life together, looking at apartment in his country and mine, sharing Pinterest boards of what we could possibly do, endless hours of FaceTime and inside jokes. We had our rough patches but to all hope and prayers we made it to a year and then two. Still happily engaged, still just as in love as day one and still just as close if not closer.

A few weeks after our two year anniversary in February of 2023 I came online to a text that absolutely shattered my heart. He was telling me goodbye and he loved me beyond this world but he just couldn't do it anymore, he'd watch me from the heavens and be my guardian. My heart sank and shattered as I broke down crying, my person couldn't be gone no no no. I refused to believe it, I convinced myself he just left me and that he was living happily somewhere else with someone else, that I wasn't it for him anymore. November came and I was like a walking zombie, have been since February and I got a text along with a picture. He passed in May three months later. I broke again. My world crumbled at my feet any hope of him returning was gone and what little of my spark that remained vanished too. I still question why he told me goodbye in February but maybe it was to give me extra time or maybe he attempted and someone stopped him but he didn't have the heart to come back and tell me.

The first few days were a blur and then all I remember was crying and blaming myself before it hit me, I was now the same age as him and now I'll be the older one next year.

My person is truly and utterly gone. He lost his battle with depression, suicide had won and worst of all I didn't see he needed help. Could I have helped him?

I'm at a loss of words and my feelings are all mixed and confused. Christmas sucked and new years is going to suck too. I know there is life after loss but I feel like I lost a major part of myself with him...

People tell me "it doesn't count" or "we were to young to know "
But does it count? Am I just being foolish? Am I allowed to grieve? Was I just naive?
Maybe... But I needed to vent, I need to process, I need to know.

Ong how heartbreaking your story is ! So sorry for the loss of your fiancé.  Some people who are depressed pretend to be happy with their lives and do a good job at hiding it. He/she feels too ashamed to tell their significant other that life is unbearable for him/her and don’t reach out for help. There’s nothing you could have done differently because he hid his depression so well from you; it’s a shame that you had to learn of his death the way you did. Get yourself into therapy asap so you can have someone to talk to and who will get you through your loss. 

[Zailey]

On 12/30/2023 at 10:41 PM, Zailey said:

I met my fiance, Lucas, when we were 15 and 16 he was a year older than me but I didn't mind and I know we were young. We met December 2020 online and quickly grew close. By January 2021 we were dating. He was the best person I had ever met, he knew when I was sad and needed comfort or he knew when I missed him and would call me. In between the mess of life and loving each other unconditional we made the decision to get engaged and began planning our life together, looking at apartment in his country and mine, sharing Pinterest boards of what we could possibly do, endless hours of FaceTime and inside jokes. We had our rough patches but to all hope and prayers we made it to a year and then two. Still happily engaged, still just as in love as day one and still just as close if not closer.

A few weeks after our two year anniversary in February of 2023 I came online to a text that absolutely shattered my heart. He was telling me goodbye and he loved me beyond this world but he just couldn't do it anymore, he'd watch me from the heavens and be my guardian. My heart sank and shattered as I broke down crying, my person couldn't be gone no no no. I refused to believe it, I convinced myself he just left me and that he was living happily somewhere else with someone else, that I wasn't it for him anymore. November came and I was like a walking zombie, have been since February and I got a text along with a picture. He passed in May three months later. I broke again. My world crumbled at my feet any hope of him returning was gone and what little of my spark that remained vanished too. I still question why he told me goodbye in February but maybe it was to give me extra time or maybe he attempted and someone stopped him but he didn't have the heart to come back and tell me.

The first few days were a blur and then all I remember was crying and blaming myself before it hit me, I was now the same age as him and now I'll be the older one next year.

My person is truly and utterly gone. He lost his battle with depression, suicide had won and worst of all I didn't see he needed help. Could I have helped him?

I'm at a loss of words and my feelings are all mixed and confused. Christmas sucked and new years is going to suck too. I know there is life after loss but I feel like I lost a major part of myself with him...

People tell me "it doesn't count" or "we were to young to know "
But does it count? Am I just being foolish? Am I allowed to grieve? Was I just naive?
Maybe... But I needed to vent, I need to process, I need to know.

Thanks for support to those who responded I really needed it..

Small update:

It's still hard but I've found ways to cope. Today is a little harder it would be our three year anniversary but this one I'm spending alone... I miss him a lot and still love him a lot too. I'm glad I had him though he taught me a lot and he taught me love. He's my forever person and I've learned that's okay to hold on. I record little videos like I'm talking on FaceTime with him and it helps a little, I've noted things I've done since he's been gone and how I think he'd be proud or shocked.

I just wish he was still here celebrating this day with me but I'm afraid he isn't maybe his ghost is but...

I've also come to realize the nevers hurt a lot too

Never calling again

Never saying I love you again

Never holding him

Never touching him

Never this never that

It sucks, it hurts, but I know that life had to happen how it did. I don't wish for therapy but I've found my own at home therapy like things and its helped me a lot.

This ending is for him

Happy three years penguin I'm finding my light again while holding you close in memory ♥

[widow39]

You have loved and lost. Give yourself the time and grace you deserve. I hope that one day the memories of your love bring a smile to your face instead of tears

[Griefsucks810]

I’ll always remember the night he died cuz I was in shock, disbelief, scared to death and full of despair when I saw my husband’s body in a black body bag being carried down the steps with a van waiting to take him to the morgue.  Other than that I’ve been living day by day since he died 4.5 years ago still trying to rebuild a new life for myself.  I’m working on getting up the same time everyday and exercise 30 minutes a day as a part of my new daily routine so I can get in shape and maintain a healthy and  long life.