1st Anniversary after losing my brother

[chaz]

My 27-year-old brother died on 01/01/23 of a heart attack, leaving behind a 6 week old baby.

It's just been the most horrific year. 

I'm so sick of the generic stuff people tell you about getting through grief. I still can't and won't accept that he has gone. There's no way I can live 2/3'ds of my life without him. Time hasn't helped anything. 

I've had a bad relationship with my dad anyway and adding on top the stress he caused him probably didn't help his heart. Plus he essentially blamed my mum for not being good at cpr amongst other things I can't forgive. My mum has barely spoken to me all year. I broke up with my partner in March because of his utter lack of support and care, indifference or annoyance when I cried, going to lunch with his mates the day before the funeral. I was in no right state to sort my life so we carried on living together. Got more misserable. Took out life insurance and wrote a will. Spose over time I got more depressed and softened and even though I knew he didn't care tried to get it to work with him, but he ended things completely (this was early nov) I unravelled further. Fell out with sister-in-law as she seemed to be OK with my ex and was upset that I wanted her to take my side. (As my brother would have). 

Anyway, end of Nov had a overdose. Under mental health people now for suspected ptsd and eupd. Realised how little I actually give a **** if I do hurt my family. They all treated my brother poorly and no-one else seems to hold the weight of grief that I do. If they can get over him dying they can me too. 

By the 1st I have nowhere to live and will probably live in my car. Which is fine. I can't stay in the family home the memories kill me. I can't stay at his house where he died.

People keep trying to guilt me into living using my neice or how bad it is for me to be the reason my mum loses both children. Makes me so angry.

I'm trying to wait until end of March to commit suicide so my neice gets money. But honestly to have to go through nye and nyd again I just not sure I can do it. I can still see him laying on the floor, his body going cold and me begging the paramedics to not give up on him. It's just horrific. He was my only sibling and was my best friend for a very long time.

I can't keep living the typical normal life anymore. Life makes no sense and has no meaning without him. I no longer want children - I can't do all the things your suppost to do when we would have done them all together. I am pretty much done with all my family. They treated him badly when he was alive and even now no-one even talks about him. 

If I manage to not kill myself I've planned to live life volunteering abroad, going from country to country. I don't expect anything to really change but if I can make it till March atleast my neice will get the insurance money.

I don't understand how people just get over this? I know apparently you don't you just learn to live with it. But I don't want to do that either. It's just so wrong. He was 27. I've now lived 6 more years than he ever will. It's so unfair. He wanted to live. It should have been me.

I don't know how I will get through the anniversary. We plan to set off balloons. We did lanterns on his birthday. But honestly, I've got worse and it's got harder as times gone on. I don't know how to get through this.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, I know it's hard.  I lost my closest sister 1 1/2 years ago and was totally in shock the first month or more, we talked every day, I was her caregiver (she was disabled and had dementia)  There had never been a time in my life she wasn't there as she was older.  For the longest time I'd think of things I wanted to tell her...I miss her husband too that was closer than my brother.  He died 1 1/2 years prior to her.  Yes you learn to live with it, what choice do you have.  My husband died18 1/2 years ago, he was barely 51, died on Father's Day.  The pain isn't as intense as day one, it's more like we carry our grief inside of us.  

6 hours ago, chaz said:

I don't know how to get through this.

Neither do I, I've done it one day at a time.  I still miss them, there's a huge void inside my heart.  One day at a time, in the beginning it was more like one minute, one second.