"I survived Christmas" club

[widower2]

First 50 responders get a free ID card!  

[widower2]

Good to hear. It was intended as kind of a silly jab, but also something I felt others could relate to (just surviving the holiday). tbh glad it's over as I suspect others are too, but for me no complaints all things considered. Saw my best friend and his family on Christmas Eve (they are like second family to me) then saw my "real" family which was hard but necessary as my mom isn't well so don't feel I have a right to complain... 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

I survived!  Christmas Eve morning did an early shift for the Red Cross.  Christmas Eve at our younger son and daughter-in-laws house with her mom, sister, and brother, and our older son.  Small group, easy to manage for myself.  Left about 10 pm.  Christmas Day at our home as we have done in the past.  The kids plus a couple of special, close friends.  Needed their company, so it was nice.  I recalled certain memories of Christmas with my bride.  Veronica would have loved the evening.  Bothe days I spent visiting Veronica at Miramar National Cemetery.  Yes, I survived!  🥲

[RichS]

I was going through the motions until around the middle of Christmas Day; when I started to feel like, “OK, I’ll be glad when this is over so we can get back to a typical day.” Then I reminded myself why we celebrate Christmas in the first place. That thought changed my mindset for the better for the rest of the day.

[Sparky1]

Oh, am I glad to get over the last few days. Like a weight lifted off my shoulders. Spent Christmas Eve with my SIL and two of the children and two grandchildren. The youngest granddaughter made my Christmas though, she is two years old and for the first time kept calling me nonno (grandpa). The joy of that made this holiday. Christmas day I was at my brother's and was glad when that was over. Back to my boring existence ( but quiet lol), and yes it has been tougher the last few days without my wife.

[DMB]

I did OK, mostly.  Daughter and fiancée came Saturday, and she cooked dinner.  Son also came with his girlfriend, so we had a nice evening.  Daughter left Christmas Eve Day, my son picked me up around dinner time and we went to my nieces. 

I literally could not bring myself to go the Christmas morning Mass, but I did turn on a Sirius radio channel that was from Cambridge England with the choir from King's college.  There were quite a few readings I listened to and the music, so that was my Church. 

Husbands brother and sister came for a Champayne toast and stayed for an hour or so.  My brother and sister in law, my son and girlfriend came later for the Eagles game.  Brother bought some homemade ravioli.  I had yesterday off too, so I was pretty useless.  Had things in mind to do around the house but spent the day in front of the TV watching nothing remotely interesting.  I think I took a nap.  Needed to de-compress.  There was a family matter that rattled me which I'm still steamed about.  Sister in law (husbands sister) and her daughter tried telling me the daughter has breast cancer when in reality, she just got called back for more tests.  It is so wrong.  My sister in law knows I caught on by asking questions and having been through it she should have known better that I know the protocol.  Still pissed they both lied about something they never ever should. I'm wondering if she will make it over to my next get together which is this Sunday.  I'm betting she calls with some excuse and doesn't come.  If she does come, I am going to let her know I better not hear her telling anyone else that her daughter has cancer when she doesn't know anything yet.  So wrong.

[KayC]

Let's just say it was my worst Christmas ever with being sick two weeks beforehand and then getting attacked by a dog.  I can barely walk but am certain I will heal and get through this.

I did spend Christmas Eve with neighbors and that was fun, got to know a family a little better, and Christmas night with neighbor's dad that I knew years ago, and that was also pleasant.

Talked to both kids briefly, will see daughter this weekend.  Got to hear grandkids but couldn't understand them, but still it was cute their wanting to talk to grandma.
My son made this for my granddaughter and drew up plans for my six year old grandson to make something on his 3D printer.  I shake my head, amazing, all beyond me!

Oh and he also made this for Ceci, I didn't see it put together, he was still working on it:

[widower2]

Glad for whatever positive anyone could get out of the holiday. Kay, I'm so sorry about recent events, but glad you managed to have some positives as well. I'm just exhausted from it all between the travel and stress etc. Please let the next 11 months go slow! 

[Adriennelc]

I have just joined this site.  My husband died on 16/9/23 within 10 days of cancer diagnosis which was great he didn't suffer long but so traumatic for family.  My birthday was two days after his death.  His birthday was December and then Xmas and New Year hot on it's heels.
I have just kept myself isolated as I couldn't do the happy families and couples bit and all the usual cliches which are well meant but just destroys you.
Anyway I have got through two birthdays and a Christmas and New Year.  I couldn't care less whether I ever wake up again but I'm guessing this is normal.  The most stupid things make me cry big ugly crying.
I'm lying in bed all day as there doesn't seem much point in getting up - again I suspect this is normal too.  
I just want this crippling pain and sadness to stop.

[RichS]

54 minutes ago, Adriennelc said:

I couldn't care less whether I ever wake up again but I'm guessing this is normal.  The most stupid things make me cry big ugly crying.
I'm lying in bed all day as there doesn't seem much point in getting up - again I suspect this is normal too.  

All of what you're feeling is normal. We've all been through it and some of us are still experiencing the things that you mentioned to various degrees. Please continue to post on this board. There are lots of nice people here to sympathize with you, comfort you and offer you support where they can. You will get through this. We all have. WELCOME!!!

[Boggled]

Adriennelc, it's terrible!!!!!!!    All I can say is I do empathize!  and I'm sorry!  

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Adriennelc said:

I have just joined this site.  My husband died on 16/9/23 within 10 days of cancer diagnosis

Very hard.  We all have our horror stories but in the end it doesn't matter how, it's that they're gone and that's hard.  My heart goes out to you.  I hope you find some peace here, knowing there are others that get it and understand.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Adriennelc]

2 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

So sorry @Adriennelc for your loss. There is no pain like it. I sent a hug back in January.  The special days and occasions are the hardest. Most of us here take it one day at a time.  At over 2 & half years of losing my husband, love of my life & best friend I still have days when I don’t get out of bed. I’m just pushing through the best I can. On the good days I do generally normal things go to work, visit, chat to friends on the phone, shop, go for a walk, cook, etc.

On a bad day or weeks as sometimes it takes longer to get back on track, I would cry most days, not go into the office for work & stay in bed.

It’s a journey so do what you need at that time, but hoping you have friends and family that can support and pick you up, or things that you enjoy that can bring you back up when needed.

 

 

 

Thank you for that.  I am actually doing really well now (at least I think I am).  I'm firing myself out of bed and starting the days at respectable times!!
Lots planned for the coming year and I am now looking forward 80% of the time - the other 20%?  Well it's a hit of a miss or a day in bed.  Things make me cry very easily but it's not for long now.  The rocking back and forth, screaming at him for leaving me has now pretty much gone.  I am not saying it won't come back!!
I'm sorry you are on here too but it's contributions like yours that really help newbies like me so thank you for taking the time to reach out to me. xx