6th Christmas

[Brazil Man]

I just can't believe this is the 6th Christmas without my beloved wife. I look behind and remember the other Christmas full of sadness. Now I feel a little better but I still suffer. I'd like to know about you guys experience with Christmas.

[Sparky1]

This is my fourth Christmas without my wife. Yes, the grieving is not as strong as it was in the beginning, but the emptiness and loneliness of her not being by my side is what hurts the most. I just don't feel complete, if you know what I mean. 

[DWS]

This is my second one. For me, I guess I approached this year's Christmas with some chosen numbness...a "let's just hurry and get through this difficult time" mindset. Ignore and avoid as much as I could was the plan. For the most part, that seemed to work except for the last few days where I've basically been on the verge of tears at any given moment....which I've given into about a half dozen times so far. 

[KayC]

19th for me...since I was sick and now injured, and my kids are busy, I've chosen to ignore Christmas but am celebrating with neighbors.  How different it'd be with George here!  But I choose not to dwell on that.  Yes it would be, so would Covid, and everything else be.

[tlc]

Hello Brazil Man. This is my 6th Christmas without Terry and I can tell you that it doesn't get any easier for me. I just continue to bide time until we can be together again which I have absolutely no doubt that we will.

Stay strong Moises and have faith. All will be well.

[Gail 8588]

This was my 7th Christmas without John. The first 4 were zombie holidays for me. I went through the motions, but could not really disguise the fact that I was not there in any real sense. There was no joy in me. The next 2 were better grief-wise, but year 5 was a bit of a National Lampoon Christmas as 5 of the 6 people, including me, were sick with a flu (not Covid) but we all were all trying to power through a 'happy holiday gathering' when each of us felt terrible and just wanted to go to bed.  When my daughter-in-law broke out in hives from overdosing on Advil we were all sharing how miserably sick we all felt. It was a disaster of a Christmas, but was sweet in a way. 

This year in many ways was my best Christmas in years.  I had all my gifts purchased and wrapped well before Christmas, so that was stress free.  I cooked my best Christmas dinner ever, so that was nice.  (Historically I have never been much of a cook, my husband loved to cook,)

But emotionally I was a bit of a wreck this year because so many in my inner circle of friends and family have lost their husbands. My sister-in-law who lost her husband in July and my friend who lost her husband in September were both here at my house for Christmas.  Another sister-in-law who lost her husband 2 years  after I lost John. was celebrating Christmas with her new grandson, born this November. When she and I were talking on the phone with Christmas greetings, she was so sad that her husband would never know his grandchild, a sadness I share. 

On Christmas morning I was supposed to go over to my son's house here in town to share in the fun of the kids with their presents Christmas morning.  But I just couldn't stop crying, so I stayed home. Everyone came to my house in the afternoon, and I pulled myself together to be a happy host. 

I am disappointed that my grief overwhelmed me Christmas morning and that I missed the gathering at my son's house because of it. But sometimes you can only do so much. 

Overall Christmas was very good this year, it just included  4 hours of crying in the morning.   

[Brazil Man]

4 hours ago, tlc said:

Hello Brazil Man. This is my 6th Christmas without Terry and I can tell you that it doesn't get any easier for me. I just continue to bide time until we can be together again which I have absolutely no doubt that we will.

Stay strong Moises and have faith. All will be well.

Hi @tlc

I was wrong, this is my 6h Christmas  too and not the 5th one. I already corrected my post. Thank you for your empathy.

[LMR]

This is my 4th Christmas and in many ways my worst. I was numb through the first one. The second was my first year with my sister, still in some kind of shock but with support. The third one we stayed with my nephew, just four of us and it was much more enjoyable than expected. I thought I was getting a grip on things at last.

This year has been a revelation. I am like a swinging pendulum. I have had more social interaction, not exactly happy but having pleasant interludes but at the same time many many tears. Nights of wakefulness and loneliness and longing. I think I was expected to be ok this Christmas, no sitting on the sidelines, but I failed miserably. I don't hear very well and my husband was my buffer zone. I could handle anything with him by my side. He always made sure I knew what was going on and I was atuned to his voice. I really struggled, too much noise, too many people, too much jollity. I feel like scrooge but I did try. Maybe next year......

[KayC]

This was my worst Christmas since he first died and maybe worse than that because at least I had my kids here, I was young and didn't have injuries.  My son cut down a tree and put it up and Melissa coaxed me into decorating it with her...it melted my heart to see George's ornaments on it and his stocking up, we wrote notes to him and put them in it.  

This year...nothing.  No tree, no presents, and a late dinner that all I could eat was turkey but it was nice being with neighbors and they were good company, so was their dogs.

[WithoutHer]

This Christmas although my first without Vickie is extra painful because Christmas day is not just a holiday without her it's also an anniversary day. Our first day together here was Christmas Day after I picked her up in Alabama in a rented van. That trip is ingrained in my memory. We had the highway pretty much to ourselves while taking our time making many stops and just made the most of the trip and enjoyed ourselves. The last hour of the drive we had snow which delighted Vickie. This all hit me really hard yesterday and I slept most of the day away. Christmas will never be an enjoyable time for me even while I cherish the wonderful times we had together. 

[KayC]

Thinking of you @WithoutHer.

[RichS]

This was my second Christmas without Chris. I went through the motions as best as I could for my son’s sake. He really looks forward to Christmas but is well aware of how different it is without mom. Also, his birthday is December 22nd; so it kind of acts like a buffer. A time to pause and celebrate with all of his friends, which we did. He looks so forward to these two days and I tried my best to give him the joy he deserves.

[Boggled]

22 hours ago, LMR said:

I don't hear very well and my husband was my buffer zone. I could handle anything with him by my side. He always made sure I knew what was going on and I was atuned to his voice. I really struggled, too much noise, too many people, too much jollity. I feel like scrooge but I did try. Maybe next year......

LMR, for sound, I bought one of these (imho, reasonably priced) on Amazon;  when I go to a restaurant with my friend, I use it because normally the background noise (plus my slightly impaired hearing) interferes with me hearing what she is saying.  It works for me.   Haven't had a family gathering to try it out on yet, but since you point the little box at whoever you're trying to hear, it would probably be helpful with "too much noise."

Amazon.com: SuperEar Personal Sound Amplifier Model SE5000 (PSAP), 50dB Gain, Hand Held Pocket Size Audio Amplifier with Headphones, EarBuds, Tactile On/Off Volume Control for Adults, Audiologists, and Seniors : Health & Household

[Boggled]

This was the 2nd Christmas for me;  I spent it alone here at the house ... but I did get phone calls from both of my sons, and texts with photos.  

I'd prepared this time, by saving everything I'd bought online, for about a month and a half, in its packaging, in a pile in front of the Christmas tree.  I put off opening stuff for many hours, trying to get into the "right" frame of mind to open "my presents." 

I have a Google speaker;  turned it on, asked for "Oh Holy Night," or "O Come All Ye Faithful;"  or some Christmas song or other, and Goog did this "thing" where they give you some song where they've jazzed up the music, which I really DISLIKE!!! ... so I asked for "Oh Holy Night by church choir,"  and search engine brought up Mormon Tabernacle Choir which was by FAR better IMHO.  Then Goog being Goog ... continued on with the same kind of music which I left on for several hours.  

I seldom drink wine, but had a narrow bottle of "ice wine" from Canada that my son had left me when he visited for Thanksgiving;  when you don't drink much, a little alcohol can give a nice little kick.  I baked a turkey breast I'd defrosted for several days out of the freezer, with stuffing ... turkey was/is good;  for me, it's TRADITION.  I like tradition.  And opened my "presents," wow ... 2 lbs of garlic powder!    a little bag of Herbs de Provence!  a bag of summer savory!  oh boy!  a teeny snow shovel!  yay!  I needed that! ... and the crowning glory, about 13 yards x 55" of heavy vinyl cloth in 2 pieces, bought on eBay in place of buying a tarp.   That one made me actually feel some of that old Christmas joy.    and now I have a project of sewing it together into a tarp.  (that's the hard part, getting myself to "just do it!")  

So too now I'm starting my own Christmas tradition.  For the rest of my life ... I guess.   First off, don't expect too much!   It's another day in the "one day at a time" bit!   Save up "presents," little fiber optic Christmas tree, Christmas music by "church choir," a little wine ... cooking something nice in the oven, phone calls and texts.   

Found this recently written link this morning thinking about "neural pathways" and trauma ... I think I'm trying to do "recalibrating memory and nervous system" ... Reframing Trauma Healing: The Toolbox Approach | Psychology Today

" Healing from trauma is a lot more like building a house that you live in for the rest of your days. What do you need when you are building a house? You need a toolbox. And not just that, you need to know how to use those tools. ..."

 

[DMB]

This was my 3rd year, and to be honest I cannot remember the last Christmas with him as he was diagnosed in late Oct.  I also don't remember what I did the 1st year after he passed.  I guess I don't want to remember, so it has been blanked out of my memory banks.

[KayC]

It may return  when you're more ready.

[LMR]

5 hours ago, Boggled said:

LMR, for sound, I bought one of these (imho, reasonably priced) on Amazon;  when I go to a restaurant with my friend, I use it because normally the background noise (plus my slightly impaired hearing) interferes with me hearing what she is saying.  It works for me.   Haven't had a family gathering to try it out on yet, but since you point the little box at whoever you're trying to hear, it would probably be helpful with "too much noise."

Amazon.com: SuperEar Personal Sound Amplifier Model SE5000 (PSAP), 50dB Gain, Hand Held Pocket Size Audio Amplifier with Headphones, EarBuds, Tactile On/Off Volume Control for Adults, Audiologists, and Seniors : Health & Household

Thank you for this. Unfortunately my hearing problems are a lot more complicated. I have a hearing aid but since everything has gone digital they just don't seem to have the power any more. I am lucky that since arriving in UK I have found an audiologist who is willing to put in the time to try to help. So we are still working on it.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

This is my first Christmas without Veronica.  Dreaded the weekend but, as I mentioned on another message string, I survived, with our kids and special friends.  Christmas cards that came in the mail stayed unopened for a few days.  Once opened, a few people acknowledged what I was dealing with.  But even so, I could not bring myself to respond to people with “Merry Christmas” when they greeted me with that.  Not feeling very merry or Christmasy at all.  Did not listen to any Christmas music.  Pandora “locked” on Hawaiian music.  

Today, December 27, is 6 months since my bride passed away.  6 months since I took the longest walk of my life when I had to leave her bedside in the ICU and walk to my truck and go home without Veronica.  Still sucks!  😪 

[KayC]

Six months can be rough, people get back to their lives, it seems the phone calls slow down or stop, yet we're left with the harsh reality that is ours to deal with.  

Six Month Mark
another article: Six Month Mark

[PO1LarryLost]

11 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

Today, December 27, is 6 months since my bride passed away.  6 months since I took the longest walk of my life when I had to leave her bedside in the ICU and walk to my truck and go home without Veronica.  Still sucks!  😪 

This was my first Christmas - and Christmas was 8 weeks since I took the longest walk of my life from the ICU to go home.   My sons were great.  One spent a week with me and both, along with the fiancé spent Christmas day with me.   We did everything entirely different than ever before.   Helped me through the day and I actually experienced some joy.  Of course, then I felt so guilty that I had fun without Larry.   

[KayC]

An article like this helped me a lot that first year...
Smile Permission

And I'm glad your kids were there with you.

[Boggled]

15 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

6 months since I took the longest walk of my life when I had to leave her bedside in the ICU and walk to my truck and go home without Veronica.

That walk, finding my way out of the hospital, trying to find an open door, going up and down stairs, finally finding a door open way on the other side from the ER parking lot, the long walk in the dark just to get to my car, the downright horror of it!, the slow and peculiar ride home, the empty house waiting for me!  was ... ... ... ... traumatic ... ... ... ... for me too, Rey.

[Boggled]

Something happened to me.  Yesterday I was WITHOUT PAIN.   It's like the clenching, reaching-out LONGING just wasn't there.   

I don't know what happened!  ... but something happened.   My insides have changed.   Today too.  Today I'm just wondering!    what happened?  something to do with Christmas?   ?

[KayC]

IDK, possibly.

[RichS]

Boggled and Rey:  My situation was different, but the ending was the same. Chris passed away at home in our bed. I called the paramedics; who tried to give me instructions to start reviving her. I tried, but knew she was gone. I'm sure others on this board have their own stories as well. To all of you I can say, "I CAN FEEL YOUR PAIN."

[DWS]

14 hours ago, Boggled said:

Something happened to me.  Yesterday I was WITHOUT PAIN.   It's like the clenching, reaching-out LONGING just wasn't there.   

I don't know what happened!  ... but something happened.   My insides have changed.   Today too.  Today I'm just wondering!    what happened?  something to do with Christmas?   ?

I had a similar feeling on the day after Christmas (Boxing Day). It was like my mind was cleared of the major turbulence/rough waves that had been inundating me for those days leading up to Christmas. I'm thinking that I am back to a quieter place that's easier for me to handle. Interestingly, the approach of New Year's Eve isn't causing me much heavyheartedness. Last year's was tremendously painful because I hated to see the end of the year when I last saw Tom physically. 

[Boggled]

14 minutes ago, DWS said:

It was like my mind was cleared of the major turbulence/rough waves that had been inundating me for those days leading up to Christmas. I'm thinking that I am back to a quieter place that's easier for me to handle. Interestingly, the approach of New Year's Eve isn't causing me much heavyheartedness. Last year's was tremendously painful because I hated to see the end of the year when I last saw Tom physically. 

wow, DWS!   You too?  iirc, it was the day after Christmas that this first --blank-- of NO PAIN, "rough waves" as you say it, just STOPPED.  

This morning I'm still talking to Steve ... yesterday the hanging lamp over the dining room table, the blinking of which I associate with Steve communicating, spent a LONG TIME BLINKING.   It COULD be entirely physical/electrical.  Or it COULD BE Steve ... saying SOMEthing ... that he's still here?  Checks in some times?  

anyhoo, that "toolbox" link I'd posted above:  Reframing Trauma Healing: The Toolbox Approach | Psychology Today

says "Here’s the good news, though: If we can become aware of our nervous systems and how they work, we can intervene in our dysregulated systems and learn how to regulate them. There are two umbrella categories of nervous system intervention and many tools within each."

BUT I DIDN'T DO ANY OF THE THINGS she mentions on Christmas.  This blank of pain is probably, though, related to some "nervous system" readjustment.  ??  dunno!

[DWS]

23 minutes ago, Boggled said:

wow, DWS!   You too?  iirc, it was the day after Christmas that this first --blank-- of NO PAIN, "rough waves" as you say it, just STOPPED.  

It was just like that! It greatly compares to the landing of a past flight I took to Boston many years ago. Flying has always been challenging to me because of issues that I had with my hearing back in my youth years...but this particular landing was crazy. As we kept lowering, the continual noisy buildup in my head was dizzying. It really felt like I was drowning while all around me, I was seeing passengers chatting and behaving normally. I felt like screaming "someone help me" but then, once we landed and the engines were shut off, there was this calm relief that swept over me. There I was reaching up for my carryon bag and then standing in line waiting to get off the plane...back to a sense of normalcy. The stress-filled days of Christmas and the quiet of Boxing Day was just like that!

23 minutes ago, Boggled said:

anyhoo, that "toolbox" link I'd posted above:  Reframing Trauma Healing: The Toolbox Approach | Psychology Today

says "Here’s the good news, though: If we can become aware of our nervous systems and how they work, we can intervene in our dysregulated systems and learn how to regulate them. There are two umbrella categories of nervous system intervention and many tools within each."

BUT I DIDN'T DO ANY OF THE THINGS she mentions on Christmas.  This blank of pain is probably, though, related to some "nervous system" readjustment.  ??  dunno!

Pffft....sometimes even science isn't strong enough to battle what's going on in my crazy mind!

[Boggled]

6 minutes ago, DWS said:

Pffft....sometimes even science isn't strong enough to battle what's going on in my crazy mind!

Yep, "science" ...  yeah.  Science.  Science, used correctly, imho follows the "scientific method," i.e., hypothesis, testing, results, conclusion ... there are various models online (just checked) but the gist of it, is that the conclusion keeps getting tested, and nothing is set in stone, though after a time of continuous "testing," a lot of things are taken mostly for granted ... but it's always subject to re-testing and re-hypothesizing and readjusting.  

I'm "intuitive" according to Meyers-Briggs personality ... but I know there are people out there that are "sensor types."  (70% according to this!):  The Intuitive's Guide to Getting Along With Sensors | True You Journal (truity.com)

anyway, even though people lean one way or the other between intuition and sensing, everybody is both to some degree.  My husband was electrical engineer and certainly had a strong "sensor" side.  

Anyway, to get back to the subject, will "science" ever figure out the afterlife?  hahahahahaha!   

[Boggled]

DWS, maybe somehow over Christmas we regulated some dysregulated system???   

[DWS]

9 minutes ago, Boggled said:

Anyway, to get back to the subject, will "science" ever figure out the afterlife?  hahahahahaha!   

Now Lucy...doncha be starting that up again!

But yes, the hypotheses, testing and scientific conclusions surrounding the grief journey certainly is a challenging one for the greater minds to figure out. I think back to one article that I read in my grief-relief travels where a psychotherapist wrote about her embarrassment and bewilderment at how the grip of grief took its toll on her after the death of her husband. It was similar to grief therapist David Kessler's need to apologize to all of his previous clients that he consoled for not knowing completely the expanse of grief until the death of his son. 

5 minutes ago, Boggled said:

DWS, maybe somehow over Christmas we regulated some dysregulated system???   

Well, I think Christmas entered the room and basically kicked over the puzzle that we'd been working on. 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

On 12/28/2023 at 3:29 AM, KayC said:

another article: Six Month Mark

Thank you sharing that thread.  It really helped reading MartyT’s comments in response to all the comments in that thread.  I have also been engaging in a lot of “if only this” and “what if” but have to remind myself that doesn’t matter anymore.  The only thing that matters is Veronica was so very sick and she doesn’t have to deal with all that anymore.

But I am surprised to be in agreement with everyone here on this thread saying things got easier after Christmas passed.  I was dreading the Christmas holiday and now that “first” is in the rear-view.  Still a few “firsts” left between now and the end of June, but I will deal with them as they come.  Still sucks!  

[LMR]

On 12/28/2023 at 11:42 PM, Boggled said:

Something happened to me.  Yesterday I was WITHOUT PAIN.   It's like the clenching, reaching-out LONGING just wasn't there.   

I don't know what happened!  ... but something happened.   My insides have changed.   Today too.  Today I'm just wondering!    what happened?  something to do with Christmas?   ?

I hope you go on feeling this way. It reminded me of something that happened to me years ago. A problem that I won't divulge ..... I was sobbing my heart out and suddenly just had this feeling that it was all ok. An immense sense of calm came over me.  Yes, the "problem" was resolved but not in any way that I could have imagined. Something very strange happened that day and I try to hold onto that memory. It reminds me that there are things beyond our knowing.

[KayC]

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died nearly 18 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

2 hours ago, Rey Dominguez Jr said:

The only thing that matters is Veronica was so very sick and she doesn’t have to deal with all that anymore.

Yes.

[RichS]

3 hours ago, KayC said:

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died nearly 18 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Yea, I've visited this place before and occasionally still do. I realized long ago that I did as best as humanly possible. That seems to give me peace of mind.

[KayC]

Yes, we all do!  And even if not perfect, we do our best and they know how much we love them.  We need to forgive ourselves any oversight and we can't help it if we didn't know what we didn't know at the time.

[Boggled]

Well it's New Year's Day and I'm back in the valley of the shadow of death.   It's a reminder of TIME, New Year's is.  

We're not supposed to waste our time, "they" say.  Well I'm not doing anything useful with my time, moreso, I'm getting through time.  Why?  Because it happens.  It just happens, nothing I can do to change it, it's just ... shoot.  Time just keeps on.  I'm floating or swimming in it.  I do not like it.  Well, what's happening with this TIME?  I'm learning to read my cats' eyes.  Expressions.  man, since I woke up this morning I'm feeling sad, heartbroken, bummed ...  BAD.  I prepared for Christmas, but I forgot New Year's the great reminder of time.  

Last night, end of 2023! ... I wrote in my journal the feelings I was RELISHING about not feeling the pain:

12-31-2023

GLORIA in Excelsis Deo - Bach

Elvira Madigan - Mozart

on the 26th 27th 28th 29th 30th  NO PAIN

I mourn though     I LOVE.

Tenderness    Immense

1-1-2024 12:00 AM

TENDERNESS -----------IMMENSITY

LOVE          sweetness           light

                     adoration              rightness

KINDNESS      gentleness        GOD

welllllll.  But now, this New Year reminder of time.    Not good.   

But.  I have what I wrote in the journal, and I have the memory of no pain.  

So let time flow, nothing I can do to change it.  2024.  Hey, we don't have a ball falling for MY time zone.  Nothing to mark the changing of the year, but standing at midnight on the cold front deck and looking at the great blackness and hearing a few barely hear-able thumps that might be fireworks going off ... somewhere out there.  or, might not.  well there it is, time passing and ... there it is.

[goldberry]

Boggled and all, This absence of pain that you describe is beautiful.  These moments of being in between the seconds on the clock, somehow plugged into the divine now, are so precious.  I miss them.  This year is only my second Christmas without Les and I still feel far away, unplugged from reality and like I'm watching myself live.  I remember a month after he died seeing a little tree that he'd planted make pinecones (it was too young to be doing this per my tree expert friends) and having that peace descend.  It didn't stay but at the time, so deep in shock and horror, it was a beautiful reminder.  I want to believe as my heart heals somehow I'll have more and more access to that.  But also it's New Year and Hard.  A reminder that as I wait to meet who I will be without my husband, everything feels less like being able to be present and more like marking time

Sending blessings to everyone who has this as a reality-that there's wonder and love and beauty to still be had here on earth but life will never be the same for us.  We endure.  And sometimes get a glimpse of the peace beyond this place.  Survive however you can.  That's what I tell myself, as long as I'm doing as little harm as I can to others and myself 

[Boggled]

Beautiful!, goldberry.  Thank you.

[Griefsucks810]

On 12/25/2023 at 9:10 AM, Sparky1 said:

This is my fourth Christmas without my wife. Yes, the grieving is not as strong as it was in the beginning, but the emptiness and loneliness of her not being by my side is what hurts the most. I just don't feel complete, if you know what I mean. 

This is my fifth Christmas without my husband. This year was different and harder to deal with as I had no motivation to put up my Christmas tree and I did not decorate my apartment either.  I was able to get thru the previous 4 Christmas’ without him.  

[KayC]

I was sick so couldn't; my son and grandaughter were going to come and help me but when I got sick I called off their coming.  Then after two weeks recovery I was bit by a dog.  My DIL called off TG & Christmas so there went that.

I always loved putting up George's ornaments and stocking in honor of him but this was the first year I couldn't.

I think we need to go with the flow of what we feel (or are able to do) like doing and go with that, knowing it could change from year to year.

[LMR]

2 hours ago, Griefsucks810 said:

This is my fifth Christmas without my husband. This year was different and harder to deal with as I had no motivation to put up my Christmas tree and I did not decorate my apartment either.  I was able to get thru the previous 4 Christmas’ without him.  

It's strange isn't it. This was my 4th Christmas and it was definitely harder than the last two. I feel like I'm waiting for him to come home from somewhere (?) and the longer I have to wait the more anxious I get and the sadder I become.

[Boggled]

On 1/1/2024 at 11:31 AM, goldberry said:

Boggled and all, This absence of pain that you describe is beautiful.  These moments of being in between the seconds on the clock, somehow plugged into the divine now, are so precious.  I miss them.  This year is only my second Christmas without Les and I still feel far away, unplugged from reality and like I'm watching myself live.  I remember a month after he died seeing a little tree that he'd planted make pinecones (it was too young to be doing this per my tree expert friends) and having that peace descend.  It didn't stay but at the time, so deep in shock and horror, it was a beautiful reminder.

... somehow plugged into the divine now ... it does sound like when you looked at the little tree making pinecones, and had the ... peace descend ... was similar to the, really, MOMENT ... didn't last very long but no idea how long, when I felt the IMMENSE TENDERNESS inside my head!   

I'm interested in a dilettantish way in palmistry;  looking at my hands, a line is forming between heart line and beginning of life line ... well looking at my hands right now, the line is harder to see;  but could it be, that all this "reaching out" I've been doing, reading and thinking about being a spirit having a bodily experience, is changing me?  

I will have that moment of feeling the immense tenderness, now, to remember!  Moments like that, like the moment I had standing in a big nearly empty of people store, looking at some pillows in a big cardboard box, and feeling "it's okay," ... are really helpful IMHO, to remember back to, to recognize!  ... that there IS "it's okay," also ... and to go back to in memory.

[Boggled]

On 12/30/2023 at 5:29 AM, LMR said:

I was sobbing my heart out and suddenly just had this feeling that it was all ok. An immense sense of calm came over me.  Yes, the "problem" was resolved but not in any way that I could have imagined. Something very strange happened that day and I try to hold onto that memory. It reminds me that there are things beyond our knowing.

LMR, I hope something like that can happen for you AGAIN.   And memories like that, seems to me, are just as you said, "there are things beyond our knowing."  Like the day (probably 25 or more years ago now) I tried "Creative Visualization," visualized meeting up with an English professor whose class I was taking, so I could talk to him, went to sleep that night, next day went garage-sale-ing, and that professor was HAVING a garage sale!  and I did get to talk to him.  I don't think I'll ever forget that.

[Griefsucks810]

On 12/26/2023 at 1:11 PM, KayC said:

This was my worst Christmas since he first died and maybe worse than that because at least I had my kids here, I was young and didn't have injuries.  My son cut down a tree and put it up and Melissa coaxed me into decorating it with her...it melted my heart to see George's ornaments on it and his stocking up, we wrote notes to him and put them in it.  

This year...nothing.  No tree, no presents, and a late dinner that all I could eat was turkey but it was nice being with neighbors and they were good company, so was their dogs.

This was my 5th Christmas without my husband which was the worst one for me this year. No Christmas tree and no decorations- just wasn’t in the mood to celebrate the holiday; it was just me and my cat.

[Boggled]

Several days before this year's Christmas, I tried to open the sliding closet door and found it was stuck.  The little fiber-optic Christmas tree had fallen down and was holding the closet door stuck!  along with our marriage license in a cardboard tube my husband had stashed on the same shelf in that closet!  So I took it as a sign, from him!  ... put up the Christmas treeeeeeeee!   It's still up.