A Complicated Situation

[Grieving Girlfriend]

I met my boyfriend in college in 2010. We became best friends and supported each other for several years before we became intimate in 2016. We got serious with our relationship in 2021, and I moved in with him in 2022. A little over a month ago, he was tragically killed in a car accident, with 3 of our close friends. Only God knows why I wasn’t with them that night, as I usually am.

Ive been spending a lot of time at his family’s home because being at our house was difficult. As the reality of everything was beginning to settle in (although at times I’m still in disbelief), I found out that he was cheating on me with multiple women. Most likely the entire time we were officially together - and definitely before that. All of these women he had to sneak around with.

I suspected something was going on, but not like this. This is a man I trusted and held in the highest regard. He’s an incredibly popular man in our area (there were over 1,100 people at his funeral - the church had to open the overflow) and people view him as the perfect person. I did too. Now I’m just confused. I don’t want to be mad at him. But I hate that I can’t get answers. I’m supposed to help his family run his memorial foundation, and I feel weird about it now. I would never tell them about any of this, I wouldn’t want them to have any disappointment in him. I just wish I hadn’t found all this out, it would’ve been easier. But now I don’t know how to deal.

I’m just trying to figure out how to grieve this tremendous loss, and I feel like it’s clouded by this discovery. 

I feel like it’s my fault that he felt he needed to seek attention from other women. I hadn’t been as intimate sexually with him for the last year, I don’t know why, I just felt disconnected. And he spoke on that several times. But I loved him and I tried. And I feel that since I wasn’t able to give him what he desired, he decided to get it from somewhere else. What hurts the most is that it doesn’t seem like this was just sex. He’s a very caring person, and it seems like he may have cared for some of these women. It makes me feel inadequate and confused on how he really felt about me.

I found out a lot of this on social media. Women started popping up posting memorial posts. And then I logged into some of his accounts and it confirmed everything. I did a silly thing and confronted one of them who was sending him messages after he passed as a coping mechanism. That’s really out of my character but I was just so distraught. I wasn’t rude to her, and she said she had no idea about me until after he passed. She most likely found out at the funeral as I had a heavy presence in his tribute video and of course was sitting with the family. I feel embarrassed that people are seeing these posts from these women, knowing that I was his life partner (or so I thought I was). I feel betrayed. I thought about confronting the other women, but it’s so pointless. If I had found this out before he passed, I wouldn’t have confronted any of them, just him. But he’s not here to confront. 

I just want to move on from this and remember the great presence he had in my life, but I don’t know how. Any advice is appreciated.

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  This happened to my SIL when she was in college.  She never forgot him but when she was working as a teacher, she met and married my BIL.  They've been married over 50 years now, so I know it's possible.

You have the added grief of someone who has felt betrayed.  Read  here:
Cheating husband died
https://www.huffpost.com/entry/5-truths-about-breakups-t_b_953824

You don't want to personalize what HE did...this shows a value inconsistent within himself that you weren't aware of.  But it's NOT a reflection of yourself.  It's a reflection of HIM.  I'm so sorry for the pain it's put you through.

You might imagine yourself having broke up with him had you known the truth.  But that didn't happen, it's like it all came to a screeching halt midstream.  But there are good points in this article, esp. the latter part of it.  Some say they create their own closure when they break up, yet in your own situation death came beforehand.  That can complicate things.  But you needn't think you'll be forever stuck here.  

It can be complicated.  Know that you are bound to have all kinds of feelings at once, all of them valid.  Once you realize that, you can embrace them all, even if at the same time.  And yes, move through this.  It's okay to feel angry, hurt, and missing him all at the same time.  Nothing about this is simple or easy, but you will get through this.  You might want to see a grief counselor if you feel stuck.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[ThereIsAField]

I'm sorry you're going through this. Grief is horrible on it's own, but when it's complicated like that, it makes it so much more difficult. (I'm also in the category of "complicated grief")

 

On 12/22/2023 at 4:09 PM, Grieving Girlfriend said:

He’s an incredibly popular man in our area (there were over 1,100 people at his funeral - the church had to open the overflow) and people view him as the perfect person. I did too.

Honestly, this combined with his cheating and the other stuff you describe makes  him sound a lot like a narcissist and grieving someone like that is very complicated. I find Dr Ramani's take on how to cope with narcissists very helpful. I don't know if you find some aspects of it helpful too, maybe.

 

 

[KayC]

Just don't attribute any part of this to YOU!  You can still love/grieve him, feel angry with him, embrace and let go of the betrayal...it's important at some point to forgive him, not so much for him as for YOU so it doesn't poison you with it's toxicity.

Have been wondering how you are doing, we care about you and what you are going through.  It's different here than it is meeting a stranger in a grocery store or down the block, like some kind of kindrid spirits, going through similar things.  My heart goes out to you for all you've experienced and still are...

[Grieving Girlfriend]

2 hours ago, KayC said:

Just don't attribute any part of this to YOU!  You can still love/grieve him, feel angry with him, embrace and let go of the betrayal...it's important at some point to forgive him, not so much for him as for YOU so it doesn't poison you with it's toxicity.

Have been wondering how you are doing, we care about you and what you are going through.  It's different here than it is meeting a stranger in a grocery store or down the block, like some kind of kindrid spirits, going through similar things.  My heart goes out to you for all you've experienced and still are...

Thank you for all of this. I’ve been doing OK. I spent a lot of time obsessing over the other women, finding them on social media, trying to make them see that I was the one who he brought to his family and wanted to make future plans with. Then I realized, nothing about that is helping me or my sanity. I do still struggle with accepting that this wasn’t my fault - especially because he had brought up the issue more than once. But as I put things together, I realized this was happening way before we had any type of issue. I’ve blocked them all on social media and I’m trying to come up with ways to redirect myself when I want to engage in something that doesn’t help my mental state (ex: blaming myself or stalking the women on Instagram). I’m trying to come up with a mantra or something like, “Does this positively serve me? If not, what can?” Then I’ll open my Bible and read a verse. 

I think a lot of it for me is embarrassment. Some of these women have a handful of friends in common with me. So I’m embarrassed that they’ll see these posts from them, knowing that I was his girlfriend. My therapist said “these women don’t exist in the world you shared with him.” And that’s true, but now I feel like they do. 

But now I’m in a phase of trying to let go, because I so badly want to forgive him. I still love him deeply. I just don’t know what forgiveness looks like with this, how do I do that? I understand it’s for me, but it’s hard not being able to hear him say, “I’m sorry, I was wrong.” 

I’ve always been an anxious over-thinker. So this situation just has my head spinning.

[KayC]

1 hour ago, Grieving Girlfriend said:

“Does this positively serve me? If not, what can?” Then I’ll open my Bible and read a verse. 

Perfect!  You're miles ahead of most of us in these circumstances.  Keep up your positive outlook and avoid stalking them, which only serves to bring you down.

1 hour ago, Grieving Girlfriend said:

I’ve always been an anxious over-thinker.

You and me both!  Try to divert your attention elsewhere when you catch yourself doing that, for me it's walking my dog in nature.

Here is a post I thought worthy of sharing, stated well:

 

 

 

[KayC]

One more post worth sharing:

 

 

[DWS]

I am so sorry for the terrible loss of your partner and everything else that's now been revealed. After reading your story, I just wish I had something to offer you to help calm the rough waters. I think my only suggestion and hope is that you can end going down the road of blaming yourself for his unfaithfulness because it can take us to an awful place for ourselves. I did that almost thirty years ago when the person I was dating was unfaithful and eventually dumped me. I put the blame directly on myself...I wasn't this and I wasn't that. Thankfully after months of kicking myself, I gained control and got myself out of a very dark place, reversed it, and gained self-love.

But that was coping with him still alive.  I'm just not sure where you'd begin finding peace now. Maybe the best thing is to cope with that stinging reality and because of your love for him, try to understand him more, and most importantly, understand yourself as well and keep reminding yourself of everything that is good about you . Hopefully it brings you to a greater place of self-care and self-worth. 

[Grieving Girlfriend]

On 12/25/2023 at 11:12 AM, DWS said:

 I'm just not sure where you'd begin finding peace now. Maybe the best thing is to cope with that stinging reality and because of your love for him, try to understand him more, and most importantly, understand yourself as well and keep reminding yourself of everything that is good about you . Hopefully it brings you to a greater place of self-care and self-worth. 

Thank you. I’m trying to remind myself of these things.

[Griefsucks810]

On 12/22/2023 at 10:09 AM, Grieving Girlfriend said:

I met my boyfriend in college in 2010. We became best friends and supported each other for several years before we became intimate in 2016. We got serious with our relationship in 2021, and I moved in with him in 2022. A little over a month ago, he was tragically killed in a car accident, with 3 of our close friends. Only God knows why I wasn’t with them that night, as I usually am.

Ive been spending a lot of time at his family’s home because being at our house was difficult. As the reality of everything was beginning to settle in (although at times I’m still in disbelief), I found out that he was cheating on me with multiple women. Most likely the entire time we were officially together - and definitely before that. All of these women he had to sneak around with.

I suspected something was going on, but not like this. This is a man I trusted and held in the highest regard. He’s an incredibly popular man in our area (there were over 1,100 people at his funeral - the church had to open the overflow) and people view him as the perfect person. I did too. Now I’m just confused. I don’t want to be mad at him. But I hate that I can’t get answers. I’m supposed to help his family run his memorial foundation, and I feel weird about it now. I would never tell them about any of this, I wouldn’t want them to have any disappointment in him. I just wish I hadn’t found all this out, it would’ve been easier. But now I don’t know how to deal.

I’m just trying to figure out how to grieve this tremendous loss, and I feel like it’s clouded by this discovery. 

I feel like it’s my fault that he felt he needed to seek attention from other women. I hadn’t been as intimate sexually with him for the last year, I don’t know why, I just felt disconnected. And he spoke on that several times. But I loved him and I tried. And I feel that since I wasn’t able to give him what he desired, he decided to get it from somewhere else. What hurts the most is that it doesn’t seem like this was just sex. He’s a very caring person, and it seems like he may have cared for some of these women. It makes me feel inadequate and confused on how he really felt about me.

I found out a lot of this on social media. Women started popping up posting memorial posts. And then I logged into some of his accounts and it confirmed everything. I did a silly thing and confronted one of them who was sending him messages after he passed as a coping mechanism. That’s really out of my character but I was just so distraught. I wasn’t rude to her, and she said she had no idea about me until after he passed. She most likely found out at the funeral as I had a heavy presence in his tribute video and of course was sitting with the family. I feel embarrassed that people are seeing these posts from these women, knowing that I was his life partner (or so I thought I was). I feel betrayed. I thought about confronting the other women, but it’s so pointless. If I had found this out before he passed, I wouldn’t have confronted any of them, just him. But he’s not here to confront. 

I just want to move on from this and remember the great presence he had in my life, but I don’t know how. Any advice is appreciated.

Try and remember him for the person he was to you and all the happy times you had together 

[KayC]

2 minutes ago, Griefsucks810 said:

Try and remember him for the person he was to you and all the happy times you had together 

Welcome here!  This is a caring family going through our grief together.

Can you share some of your story?