Lost my Mom to Leukemia

[mspaff88]

I lost my mom last week. She was diagnosed with leukemia about 17 months ago. The cancer was in remission for a couple weeks last year, but came back with a vengeance. At that time, I had just graduated from graduate school and so I moved with my mom to Korea so she could get better treatment and get a bone marrow transplant. Unfortunately, my dad was unable to move to Korea because he had to continue to work and pay for the hospital bills. I became the sole caretaker for my mom. It was difficult, but things were looking up. Her transplant went well and everything was looking positive. Then my mom got pneumonia and had to go to the ICU. Her condition began to deteriorate pretty quickly. I knew my mom probably wasn't going to live 20 more years, but I had at least thought she would live 5 more years. I thought she would at least live to see me get married and see her grandchildren. My mom was my mentor, my inspiration, my best friend. I find myself not caring about anything and on the plane ride back to the US, I couldn't help but think, what if this plane just crashed? I know that is awful to think, as I wouldn't want everyone else on the plane to die, and I'm not suicidal. It's just that, does this pain ever go away? Sometimes I feel I can't breathe.

[Daffodilfun]

Mich88-I am sorry for your loss. I lost my mom three months ago and my emotions are still raw. The first thing I want to tell you is that everything you are going through is completely normal. The feeling of not caring about living was, and is, still a major grief symptom I have—if symptom is the word. The thought of God taking me does not scare me, in fact I welcome it. I too am not suicidal.

Do you have supportive family/friends? Lean on them for comfort. Share your feelings. Also, share your memories of your mom. I know that seems hard to do, but memories help.

Please take care of yourself. That is the most important thing right now. Think about what your mother would want you to be doing. Just love her in your heart and I promise all of this will get better. You will continue to grieve for the rest of your life, but it does get easier.

Sally

[mspaff88]

Thank you, Sally. I am fortunate that I do have many wonderful friends who have been supporting me. I guess I just have been struggling with trying to continue on living my life as my mom would want me to do versus just wanting to stay in bed all day. I'm not sure if I am torturing myself, but I constantly watch a video of my mom, just to hear her voice. Knowing that I won't hear it anymore has been really difficult. It is comforting to know that it does get easier.

Michelle