Members Popular Post AzgirlUK Posted December 19, 2023 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted December 19, 2023 My husband is gone Nov 28th, our 18 years just gone and I am alone now with two children to try to raise without him. I just want to stand still, and take stock. But, no I have to call banks, government agencies and more all who all seem to be seeking a pound of flesh. One specialist implied today I might lose the house we've lived in all these years. I am feeling so lost. All I want to do is be allowed to grieve for what we've lost and because I've lost my best friend. Is it so much to ask? This doesn't seem real.... 1 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted December 19, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted December 19, 2023 I am so sorry for your loss. Welcome here, you have found a good place, we've all been through this loss. I hope you'll continue to come here and post. As you've discovered, there is nothing fair about any of this. Grief Process This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference! I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road. TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this. I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey. Take one day at a time. The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew. It can be challenging enough just to tackle today. I tell myself, I only have to get through today. Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again. To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety. Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves. The intensity lessens eventually. Visit your doctor. Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks. They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief. Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief. If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline. I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived. Back to taking a day at a time. Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808 Give yourself permission to smile. It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still. Try not to isolate too much. There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself. We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it! Some people set aside time every day to grieve. I didn't have to, it searched and found me! Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever. That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care. You'll need it more than ever. Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is. We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc. They have not only the knowledge, but the resources. In time, consider a grief support group. If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". Be patient, give yourself time. There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc. They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it. It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters. Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time. That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse. Finally, they were up to stay. Consider a pet. Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely. It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him. Besides, they're known to relieve stress. Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage. Make yourself get out now and then. You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now. That's normal. Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then. Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first. You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it. If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot. Keep coming here. We've been through it and we're all going through this together. Look for joy in every day. It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T. It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully. You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it. It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it. Eventually consider volunteering. It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win. (((hugs))) Praying for you today. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members RichS Posted December 21, 2023 Members Report Share Posted December 21, 2023 Welcome to our board. Sorry that you’re going through a bunch of hassles that you don’t need at this time in your life. I can relate to it. My son and I had just returned home from my wife’s funeral (in Massachusetts), when two weeks later we flew down to Florida to pick up her elderly uncle to come live with us. It was a tough trip; but when it comes to family, you try you best to pull things together, even when you’re not at your best emotionally. Please continue to post here. Lots of nice folks here who sympathize and support each other through our grief journey. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post AzgirlUK Posted December 21, 2023 Author Members Popular Post Report Share Posted December 21, 2023 Thanks for the welcome. I never expected to find myself in this experience. I'm grateful to have a place I might be able to vent. Its the aloneness feeling that's getting to me right now. It makes me feel alittle more steady that others are experiencing this feeling too, especially because Christmas is a few days away. 1 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators KayC Posted December 22, 2023 Moderators Report Share Posted December 22, 2023 Yes, we have a thread on Christmas, I think you'll find a lot of people are feeling the same... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members Popular Post DWS Posted December 22, 2023 Members Popular Post Report Share Posted December 22, 2023 My heart goes out to you on such a terrible, unfair loss to you and your two children. With this happening not even a month ago, I imagine you are still standing there in shock while those around you make demands that are just bewildering to you. At these times, the world just sadly doesn't seem to realize the tight connection of two hearts that still remains. All of the paperwork and arrangements are just harsh and seem un-needful...totally bothersome and cruel. I do hope the specialist that you referred to was just giving you some needless caution which you sure don't need right now. I also hope that there is at least one person that is helping you cope with everything that's been thrown on your tired shoulders....one person who fully understands not only the impact on you but also the absolute emptiness you now have without your husband/best friend at your side. We get that here. Express it when you need to as that is a very needed part of grieving. Warm hugs to you. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members AzgirlUK Posted December 25, 2023 Author Members Report Share Posted December 25, 2023 DWS, Thanks for that. I'm feeling really up and down. My kids are missing their dad and I'm still at a lost for how to cope. My husband was told he was terminally ill at the end of 2019. He fought to his last breath. But, they refused to help treat him properly and broke my heart. Now, I feel lost. Your message helped me feel as least some people understand. So, Thank you. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderators widower2 Posted January 6 Moderators Report Share Posted January 6 I'm so sorry. I can relate to healthcare which is lacking, to put it very kindly. I hope this site can help in some way. I endured a similar timeframe between knowing she was sick and losing her. (And hello from a former AZ resident as well) 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Members immortalgypsy Posted January 6 Members Report Share Posted January 6 On 12/19/2023 at 12:57 PM, AzgirlUK said: My husband is gone Nov 28th, our 18 years just gone and I am alone now with two children to try to raise without him. I just want to stand still, and take stock. But, no I have to call banks, government agencies and more all who all seem to be seeking a pound of flesh. One specialist implied today I might lose the house we've lived in all these years. I am feeling so lost. All I want to do is be allowed to grieve for what we've lost and because I've lost my best friend. Is it so much to ask? This doesn't seem real.... I can relate. My daughter is older but I could have written your post. Sending love. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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