Where did I go?

[LMR]

After 3 years living with the loss of my soulmate I am still all over the place. I have good days and bad but the one constant is the loss of myself. Even on a good day, or maybe especially on a good day, I feel like a ghost. Where did I go? I am just not the same person. I can't wear my favorite clothes any more, even the ones I'd bought and had yet to wear. They just don't feel like Me anymore. It's like I'm dressing a tota!ly different person.

I know others feel this way and really I just needed to rant a little. This time of year just accentuates the fact that this is not my home (I'm living with my sister). I smile and go through the motions but the only time I feel anything like my old self is when I am crying for my lost love.

[ThereIsAField]

Same here.  🧡

[Sparky1]

Oh, I have the exact same feelings. Feels like I'm the last person on earth, that emptiness is always there. 

[shawnt]

We are someone new. It is if I am watching a movie, what's that sad lonely fool going to do now, cry in front of the Christmas card rack ;well that's new.

The best of me seems to have been left behind, 

[RichS]

9 hours ago, LMR said:

I smile and go through the motions but the only time I feel anything like my old self is when I am crying for my lost love.

My feelings from the day after my wife Chris died until the present (16 months later) is this: EVERYTHING LOOKS THE SAME BUT FEELS DIFFERENT.

I also feel that I'm going through the motions as well. Not much seems to excite me. For sure, I do function; but I wear apathy like a pair of socks. I'm reading some articles on year 2 (what you may feel and how to get through the second year). My friend who teaches grief counseling at his church says that I'm where I should be, given my situation. OK, if he says so. I don't feel as if I'm moving backwards; but I don't feel as if I'm moving forward, either. 

I'm open to any suggestions from those of you who have been going through this a lot longer than me. Yes, I know everyone is on their own path when it comes to grieving, but sometimes paths do cross and parallel each other. I feel as if I'm not going about this 100% correctly. Then again, who among us can say we're all going down an ideal path of grief 100% correctly? Maybe the best advice I can give myself is to not "over analyze it."

[LMR]

@RichS

All I do is analyze. There are no answers that will suffice. The nightmare has no logic.

My second year I thought I was doing reasonably well, considering, but then it started to get worse. Like every day I am apart from him I miss him a little more. Just as every day I was with him I loved him a little more.

 

 

 

 

[KayC]

I remember writing letters to him...then eventually I realized he probably isn't reading those letters, who knows.  There's no easy way through this, no clear path...

[foreverhis]

14 hours ago, LMR said:

I know others feel this way and really I just needed to rant a little.

That's one reason we're all here.  We know this is a safe space to rant and even scream, where the other members get it completely.

It sure is common, I think, to not know who we are without our soulmates by our side.

[Dawn Wms]

I feel the same.  I'm three and a half years away from my loss but I still feel horrible.  I do not have the same personality.  I'm not joyful like I used to be.  This makes it impossible for me to put my best self forward in my work, my social life and life in general.  A part of me died with him.  I do miss myself.  I'm sure I can never be the same again, but I'd like to think I can at least be better than I am now.  And by that I mean not so terribly down and dreary.  I just don't know how.

[widower2]

On 12/13/2023 at 2:49 PM, RichS said:

Maybe the best advice I can give myself is to not "over analyze it."

Now ya got it. 

[RichS]

12 hours ago, widower2 said:

Now ya got it.

Another way of saying, "to over analyze it." ======= ANALYSIS BY PARALYSIS...........................

[shawnt]

It's taken me awhile to realize I am not the man I was when I was with her and I never will be again. Who am I? I have found it very painful to discover that lots of things that I enjoyed with her no longer give me pleasure; another loss.

The other transitions in life( boy to man, single to married, married to divorced, childless to father) offer no clues to the way forward as a widower, boy I hate that word. This redefining who we are is happening whether we like it or not. All my hopes and dreams died with her and for now all I can do is honour my commitments and try and be the man she grew to love over our lifetime together.

[RichS]

9 minutes ago, shawnt said:

This redefining who we are is happening whether we like it or not.

Too bad I didn't get a subway map for redefining to help me navigate................I guess I'll have to go the Christopher Columbus route: Aim for where I think I'm going (Asia) and end up bumping into this big piece of land (North America) along the way) 

[shawnt]

That's most of life isn't it? If you told 13 year old me where I would end up I wouldn't believe it, or 28 year old me, now 56 year old me has no idea who 66 year old me or even 58 year old me might be, not a clue.

For a while in my life I knew who I was and where I was going but I guess I was mistaken, but I sure miss that confidence(even if it was bullshit).

[DMB]

After 3 yrs for me it's not so much of where did I go, but what I've had to become.  Trash taker outer, construction worker, generator filler and starter when power is out, mouse hunter.  I cannot stand doing these vile things.  I still have anger issues and I try to make light of it with friends and family by telling them when I see him again, I am going to punch him square in the face!

 

[RichS]

7 minutes ago, DMB said:

Trash taker outer, construction worker, generator filler and starter when power is out, mouse hunter.

Other duties not mentioned: Short Order Cook, Laundry Technician, Bathroom Cleaner, Prescription Pill Dispenser, Grocery Shopper, Doctor Appointment Setter, Van Driver, and most importantly, CABLE TV TROUBLESHOOTER..............I'm sure others do all these things and more (feel free to continue to list - this could be amusing)..............

[DMB]

Heavy weight lifter!  

While I mastered the caulk gun over the summer down at the cottage, I am currently trying out my mouse hunting skills.  I bought the electronic trap as I really don't like rodents.  I know they won't hurt me, but I don't want to see them.  It will give me nightmares, and I will lose some more of what sanity I have left.  I took some liquid courage the other day and set the thing.  Nothing the 1st day.  This morning the light was on.  I walked away!! LOL!   The instructions say the light will stay on for a week.  I will likely end up calling my son to empty it and give me further advice on how to get rid of them.  Droppings I've found are very small so thinking it's just field mice, yet I hate them!!  I also set some bait traps with no idea how disposal works with them.  Stayed tuned to see if I can handle this challenge.

[widower2]

If you live anywhere near a strip of woods, just toss it there; nature will do the rest.

I think the best trap is still the original one. Simple, quick, and merciful. Poison and glue traps should be illegal as they are cruel. So too I found out the hard way are these "humane" traps that lock them in a small box but don't kill them. I did that and found one dead in it anyway...I think he either suffocated or just died from fright, freaked out about being trapped in an area so small, and I felt about an inch tall about it. Never again!

[KayC]

22 minutes ago, DMB said:

I will likely end up calling my son to empty it

These are the easiest traps there are, you don't have to touch them.  As long as that light is on it can't catch another one so I would empty it asap!  Simply take it outside and empty it into the nearest bush or garbage can.  Then put peanut butter in it and reset it so you can get the next culpriti!