The day-to-day existence of living with grief

[DWS]

Life continues and life goes on. I think it's the cold and harsh reality of that that remains the most painful and continual fight in living with this loss. Growing up, I saw this type of thing portrayed in movies....all those disaster films where the characters had to move along for survival despite seeing deaths of loved ones. The one that immediately comes to mind is Poseidon Adventure where Red Buttons is forced to continue on even though his loving wife, played by Shelly Winters, had succumbed to the deep waters of the tragic sinking of their ocean liner. We didn't get to see just how his day-to-day went after the tragedy was all in the past. 

But those of us here know it. The ups and downs and spinning that results within their absence. Every day seems like a challenge which I suppose is how life is in general...but now, we're living it with grief. I wasn't quite sure what grief was. I thought I did after the deaths of my parents, my oldest sister, and my longtime best friend. Those continually bring me sadness and melancholy but the grief from losing my partner and companion in life goes much much deeper. It's continual. It feels like a physical part of me...something now attached to my heart for the rest of my life. 

I really felt it yesterday. It was a crazy work day. I'm self-employed. Business has been slow over the past few years due to covid and its resulting spinoffs but I was back in my "groove" yesterday with a couple of big orders that are needed in a rush. Tom's photo is right there at my desk so whenever decisions and problem solving is needed, I talk it out with it and feel his presence. It's just a natural thing now for me to do. It felt good to be so busy again but at the end of the day, I cried because he wasn't here to join me in this familiar feel-good moment.

I miss him when things are bad and I miss him when things are good. There doesn't seem to be any winning here. It's hard to fully describe this existence to others and that's frustrating. Within all of the turmoil yesterday, I managed to deliver a small order to one of my customers. She knows of my loss and with it being the Christmas season, asked how I'm doing. I replied with one simple-sounding word..."coping".  Thankfully, everyone here knows what that word really means. Maybe you would like to explain your definition of coping with the day-to-day. 

[KayC]

Coping...getting by, dealing with what needs dealt with, finding an energy within to deal with it all...but merely coping seems a meaningless existence without something to look forward to...we need more than merely coping.  We need something to look forward to.  My dog gives me that.

[DWS]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

...we need more than merely coping.  We need something to look forward to.  My dog gives me that.

I think so too although it's difficult to find and understand what that might eventually be. I know mine is repairing and fixing the space under my old house normally called a basement. Mine is more of a cellar or, more specifically, a dungeon...but it is starting to look better. 

[RichS]

I've gone back to my sports card hobby/business as well as doing some part-time scorekeeping with my town. I do these things, they distract me for awhile, but when I'm done with them, the reality of my "new normal" comes back to rear it's ugly head. Accepting this situation is the best that I can do at this time. Maybe my outlook and attitude will change in the future; but right now I'm not seeing light at the end of the tunnel.

[WithoutHer]

2 hours ago, RichS said:

but right now I'm not seeing light at the end of the tunnel.

I feel the same but unlike you I have done little to nothing since Vickie passed. I have lost interest in everything that might have at one time held my attention. I do just barely the basics to keep myself going. If it wasn't for taking care of our pets my life currently would feel to have no purpose. 

[foreverhis]

On 12/12/2023 at 5:58 AM, DWS said:

but the grief from losing my partner and companion in life goes much much deeper. It's continual. It feels like a physical part of me...something now attached to my heart for the rest of my life. 

It is.  It really is.  Those who have not suffered the kind of loss we have simply do not and really cannot understand it fully.  My friends and family know this and never try to tell me they know how I feel or minimize the fact that my grief and pain over losing John is entirely different from theirs.  He was well loved and is sorely missed by many.  Our daughter and granddaughter still and always will grieve.  But I alone know what it is to lose my partner, fellow adventurer, best friend, lover and love, and just everything.  No words exist, at least none that I've found, that truly encapsulate and explain it.  And the truth is that I don't want any of them to understand for a very long time.

[widower2]

On 12/12/2023 at 8:58 AM, DWS said:

I wasn't quite sure what grief was. I thought I did after the deaths of my parents, my oldest sister, and my longtime best friend. Those continually bring me sadness and melancholy but the grief from losing my partner and companion in life goes much much deeper.

Of course. Someone said to me not long ago when I mentioned how putting her/our dog to sleep hit me harder than losing my sister, which I didn't understand and felt horrible about...but she pointed out that my sister and I weren't close and rarely saw each other, and how hard a loss hits us is in no small part based on how much that loss impacts our day-to-day lives. It's not just about how much we care about them or their place in our lives, although that's huge too of course. 

 

On 12/13/2023 at 5:56 PM, WithoutHer said:

I feel the same but unlike you I have done little to nothing since Vickie passed. I have lost interest in everything that might have at one time held my attention. I do just barely the basics to keep myself going. If it wasn't for taking care of our pets my life currently would feel to have no purpose. 

You're less than a year in. That's enough! Give yourself credit for being able to do what you do. And yeah in hindsight I'm glad I had the dog who I HAD to keep going for; I didn't have the luxury of just staying under the covers all day. 

[Rynesha Westbrook]

Hello everyone haven't been up here in awhile I want everyone to know yall are amazing I really mean that the amount of pain and hurt that's in the group but WE ALL STILL TRY TO KEEP GOING TAKES MY BREATHE AWAY today I had a break down but to be honest I don't want to share right now I just want to say thank u to all of u for sharing talking uplifting  I just wish what we all have experienced never happen regardless happy holidays everyone stay strong the best way u can I'm damn sure trying over here 

[KayC]

On 12/12/2023 at 5:58 AM, DWS said:

the grief from losing my partner and companion in life goes much much deeper. It's continual. It feels like a physical part of me...something now attached to my heart for the rest of my life. 

It's what I call carrying my grief.  It is a part of us.

[KayC]

9 hours ago, widower2 said:

Of course. Someone said to me not long ago when I mentioned how putting her/our dog to sleep hit me harder than losing my sister, which I felt horrible about...but she pointed out that my sister and I weren't close and rarely saw each other, and how hard a loss hits us is in no small part based on how much that loss impacts our day-to-day lives. It's not just about how much we care about them or their place in our lives, although that's huge too of course. 

Losing my dog was way hard hitting...they are part of our everyday lives, they are loyal and loving and ever forgiving, unlike the rest of our relatives that have their lives and we often don't see them very much.  It makes sense that losing a dog or cat can be very traumatic.  It felt much like losing my spouse, minus loss of income and talking to them daily...

Although I'll admit, I talk to my dog daily and he has an uncanny way of understanding and responding.

[Boggled]

19 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

just coping might seem like a meaningless existence - but that’s the reality at the moment- who knows if that will change, and coping is definitely better than giving up, so I’ll take my just coping.

Me too.   Appreciate that!  ... how I'm coping?  get up.  make bed.  make/drink coffee.  see the world.  just day by day.  

 

 

[Roxeanne]

There is a high purpose that i find it can be very important: don't waste away the awful experience of the hard pain of our loss and make us a better person...or as someone said well: "let's the past make you better, not bitter!"

[DotPark]

One thing I miss is my husband's unflagging confidence that I could do whatever crazy thing I set my mind to. "You've got a vision," he'd say, "you can do it." Geez I miss that.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, DotPark said:

"You've got a vision," he'd say, "you can do it." Geez I miss that.

I know, right?  I'd forgotten that about George...he thought I could rule the world...I told him to just keep wearing those rose colored glasses...

[DWS]

This past weekend, I ran into an acquaintance from my past at the grocery store. Ann is someone that I met back in the '80s through mutual friends. Back then, she was quite a party animal but wound up going into real estate and now is quite subdued and slightly uppity too. I sense that neither one of us feels any connection to each other since our devil-may-care, partying days. The only times I can recall when I've been in recent contact with her over the years is twice before at that same grocery store. Both times were short small talk that mostly focused on our businesses...this past Saturday was no different. 

Neither of us ever seem to delve into each other's personal lives. I have no idea where the years have taken her although I couldn't help notice a dark bruising on the lower left side of her face (possibly leukemia?). I like to make my grocery trips quick so I was glad that our chat was very short again but as I walked away, I hated the fact that this nightmare that I've been living through with the loss of my partner wasn't spoken. It'd been so long since I last chatted with her that she would have no idea that I had spent the last few years with a partner...let alone that he passed away. It got me thinking that I should find some sort of pin or something to wear to symbolize my grief which then might spur a discussion about it. Maybe a black armband or black ribbon that I've read about? The upside-down heart symbol seems a bit more appropriate. Something to explore....

[Boggled]

DWS, I just looked up ... symbols for sorrow ... and then ... should we wear symbols ... A lot of the results were about wearing religious symbols, and various opinions too, some aye, some nay.  A black armband seems to me would be pretty universally understood.  But so many other symbols?  not so easily interpreted, at least for me.  I've always wondered why people wear skulls, for instance ... one of the results was about ... should we wear skulls ... is it "respect for the dead?" to wear skulls?  WhatEVER the cultural meaning of wearing skulls is, nobody ever explained it to me!  I've always found them macabre.  

But wearing SOMEthing to express yourself, yeah, I s'pose that's why so many people wear shirts with words or pictures on them.  I saved this one on a wish list:  Amazon.com: Metatron Cube Sacred Geometry Shirt - Spiritual Yoga T-shirt : Clothing, Shoes & Jewelry

and this one ... Amazon.com: "Just a Spirit having a human Experience" Inspirational Long Sleeve T-Shirt : Clothing, Shoes & Jewelry

[DWS]

19 minutes ago, Boggled said:

and this one ... Amazon.com: "Just a Spirit having a human Experience" Inspirational Long Sleeve T-Shirt : Clothing, Shoes & Jewelry

I like that one! And I agree on the skull imagery. That's too dark and macabre for me personally. Maybe a busted balloon is more fitting. 

 

[Boggled]

How would you DRAW a busted balloon???   in order for people to "get" the meaning?   

I've never been one for wearing pictures ... but from what I've read SOMEwhere, our society is too much people staying in watching TV and playing video games, and not enough interacting with one another, so maybe wearing pictures and words on t-shirts and other clothes is the next generation's way of connecting?  ... connection evolution?   I've never seen anyone wearing a black armband.  I don't get out much though.

[DWS]

47 minutes ago, Boggled said:

How would you DRAW a busted balloon???   in order for people to "get" the meaning?   

Here's one on Vectorstock but it looks more like a steak...lol....or a red chicken drumstick. Pretty well not going to know what the heck it is once it's shrunk to less than an inch wide! I'll keep thinking. 

[Boggled]

On 12/23/2023 at 11:09 AM, DWS said:

Here's one on Vectorstock but it looks more like a steak...lol....or a red chicken drumstick. Pretty well not going to know what the heck it is once it's shrunk to less than an inch wide! I'll keep thinking. 

well yeah.  Frankly, it looks like a red chicken leg to me.  😝  On a t-shirt?  would anyone figure it out?  not ... !   my opinion!

But that idea of wearing SOMEthing to express yourself is new to this old-ish person.   But it's a darned good idea ... hey.  somebody oughtta start doin' dat!  oh.  They've been doing that?  for years?  and I never noticed.  oh.  Learn something new ... 😉  well, for me, it IS new.    well, the idea that I can do that too.

[shawnt]

There is always the broken heart symbol, in the old days widows wore black for a year and then when she started wearing everyday clothes it was official that her mourning period was over. ( I wonder what that feels like) 

One of my son's got a tattoo over his heart that is a stencil of his moms last card to him Love always Mom xoxo(in her hand writing) , broke my heart at first but now I like it.

[KayC]

I got a tattoo of George's signature and our eternity symbol we always used when we wrote each other (that's how we met), on my butt, not for everyone's eyes, just mine...and his of course.  

I remember when I showed my daughter and she exclaimed, "Mom!  What if you ever want to be with someone else?!  Then she lowered her head and in a somber voice, said, "I always did love that cat."  We had a cat named George that died a year after my George did.  It was pretty funny.  That's my girl!

[Boggled]

Today was the 2nd or 3rd day of being out of cream for coffee.  Coffee is one of my rituals, drink it in the morning and go outside and look at the day. 

But black coffee?  noooo.   So I did something I don't think I've done in the past 19 months:  about 1:30 pm I just up and spontaneously decided to go grocery shopping (a bit over 50 miles round trip).  It was the "I can do it" SPONTANEITY of that decision that was new.  I DID IT.  

[KayC]

100 mile round trip for me, if I get gas, more.   I get it, I have to have my coffee.

[DotPark]

12 hours ago, Boggled said:

Today was the 2nd or 3rd day of being out of cream for coffee.  Coffee is one of my rituals, drink it in the morning and go outside and look at the day. 

But black coffee?  noooo.   So I did something I don't think I've done in the past 19 months:  about 1:30 pm I just up and spontaneously decided to go grocery shopping (a bit over 50 miles round trip).  It was the "I can do it" SPONTANEITY of that decision that was new.  I DID IT.  

Not quite as dramatic, but last night I walked two blocks to the supermarket to get a box of Corn Pops cereal to snack on. (I can't drive at night.) Ate half the box!

[Griefsucks810]

On 12/12/2023 at 9:31 AM, KayC said:

Coping...getting by, dealing with what needs dealt with, finding an energy within to deal with it all...but merely coping seems a meaningless existence without something to look forward to...we need more than merely coping.  We need something to look forward to.  My dog gives me that.

The only good thing I have to look forward to is seeing my cat when I wake up each day cuz she’s waiting for me to feed her and give her fresh water and to clean out her litter box.  She has gotten me thru this awful grief these past 4 years with her unconditional love and emotional support she gives me 24/7.  She never leaves my side no matter how long I lay in my bed; she snuggles up her body next to me at night every night. She knows when I’m tired and ready for bed she jumps up on the bed and snuggles her body against me and falls asleep. Wish I could fall asleep as quickly as she does

[Griefsucks810]

23 hours ago, Boggled said:

Today was the 2nd or 3rd day of being out of cream for coffee.  Coffee is one of my rituals, drink it in the morning and go outside and look at the day. 

But black coffee?  noooo.   So I did something I don't think I've done in the past 19 months:  about 1:30 pm I just up and spontaneously decided to go grocery shopping (a bit over 50 miles round trip).  It was the "I can do it" SPONTANEITY of that decision that was new.  I DID IT.  

I dread going food shopping I hate everything about it. Going up and down each aisle and picking up what I need and then having to wait in the checkout line for a while till it’s my turn and then having to bag up my groceries cuz the cashier no longer does it cuz of the plastic bag ban you have to bring your own bags and do it yourself which sucks.  Then I gotta unload it all after I get home and put everything away hoping I have enough room to store it all. After all of that I call it a day and I do nothing else for the rest of the day.  My daughter does the shopping now after she’s done work but complains to me that I should be doing it cuz I’m home all day. 

[immortalgypsy]

52 minutes ago, Griefsucks810 said:

The only good thing I have to look forward to is seeing my cat when I wake up each day cuz she’s waiting for me to feed her and give her fresh water and to clean out her litter box.  She has gotten me thru this awful grief these past 4 years with her unconditional love and emotional support she gives me 24/7.  She never leaves my side no matter how long I lay in my bed; she snuggles up her body next to me at night every night. She knows when I’m tired and ready for bed she jumps up on the bed and snuggles her body against me and falls asleep. Wish I could fall asleep as quickly as she does

We have 3 cats, the one that was least cuddliest before all this (Juno) now is always by me. My daughter says he follows me around the house. The oldest one, Leo, was Tony’s cat, he sleeps with me every night also. My ‘hand raised since 2 weeks old’ cat Thumper is only a night cuddler. He wants to sleep on you or at your face. I feel like they are all being supportive in a sweet way. 

[RichS]

3 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

I couldn’t wear bright colours for a long time after my husband passed and wore black and navy a lot - mainly cos that’s how I was feeling. I think it might have been a year after when I started to wear brighter colours - but mainly based on how I felt.

Growing up in an Italian neighborhood many years ago,  old Italian ladies used to wear black for a year after their husbands passed away.

[KayC]

In the 1800s and early 1900s they did here too.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

20 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

I also have some meaningful tattoos that I did a few months after I lost my husband. A heart on my right arm with my husband’s name and the words, until we meet again.

I am considering something similar with Veronica’s name and two hearts together.  Our sons and daughter-in-law like the idea.  I am thinking in June after her anniversary.