Everything is gone with my soulmate gone

[WhichWaysUp]

Hi everyone my soulmate suddenly died unexpectedly from ??? at the beginning of November. We both had very bad situations in our past and weren't looking for anyone at all. Somehow we both absolutely fell into a deep undescribable love even though its not what either of us wanted and we fought it intensely. We have only been living together for two years but they were so full. I have some physical challenges that I fight with every day but still keep fairly active and workout. Neither of us wanted to be apart for more than a couple hours. He even asked me "that if anything ever happened to him, would I take my life to join him"?  I am a Christian and it goes against what I believed in. 

His family have been estranged except for a sibling whom was somewhat there. I have been an absolute mess since he died. He had just gotten a clean physical and we were getting ready to enjoy retirement together with lots of plans.  Then he died. All I could do is go home and hold his pillow and cry.  I hurt so bad I can't even take a deep breath. I just can't stop crying. I am not a crier and now it won't stop. Im continuously trying to do things and workout to keep my brain on other things but it's just not working.

Four days after he died his family came to are condo  (my name isn't on the lease) and made me leave with an hours notice.  "This is a family thing and you need to get out".  I have lost the love of my life, my home we shared, and our entire future, all gone. Then one of the family members stole my medication in the chaos as if my life wasn't bad enough. Just making thru each day and night is so very hard. I read books, pray, and cry. I have even broken down and tried to get some help to talk to someone but everyone near here is backed up for months. 

I am at loss. I can't get a grip and keep losing it.  I put on my mask and do what I must then go somewhere out of the way and breakdown. So now his family is accusing me of taking some of his things  I didn't even get all my things out. They are treating me awful and they don't even know me. I had to tell them not to contact me anymore because they just keep hurting me.

I'm just lost and hurt with no way up. All I want to do is climb under a rock. I don't know why they keep attacking me. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss and for his family's handling of things.  That is really hard and I'm sure he's grieved about it if he knows.  Not excusing them in the least! Sometimes people can't handle the loss and lash out at someone else and that seems to be what they're doing. Perhaps distance really is the best from them.  

I went through this as well.  In addition I lost all of our friends overnight, my two BFFs disappeared even before his funeral which was two weeks after his death.

Friends who Stop Being Good Friends
Friends, letdown
Friendship: Why I No Longer Hold Onto Relationships That No Longer Serve Me

I hope you'll continue to come here to read and post, it helps.  No one here will judge you, and it helps to vent here as we've all been through our own journeys and we're here to care...

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[foreverhis]

19 hours ago, WhichWaysUp said:

Four days after he died his family came to are condo  (my name isn't on the lease) and made me leave with an hours notice. 

Welcome.  I'm very sorry you have a reason to be here with us.  And I'm so sorry, as well as angry on your behalf, about what his family is doing to you.  They are being horrible.

About what I quoted above.  I urge you, if you're able, to look up the tenancy laws in your area.  In most places, you have tenant's rights after having lived at an address a certain amount of time, which varies from 7 days to 2-3 months.  It doesn't matter if your name is on the lease; it doesn't matter whether you paid rent.  What matters is that what his family did to you is almost certainly illegal.  As well, they are guilty of theft of your personal property.  His landlord could also be on the hook for allowing his family to kick you out without notice and without your personal possessions.

If you are able to find your local laws, you could save them and/or print them out.  Then confront the landlord first and tell him or her that you were kicked out by his lease holder's family with no notice and that they kept your personal belongings.  Then, if you can, turn the tables on his family.  Show them the laws, demand that they return your personal property to you, and tell them you will file a civil suit if they do not.

I do understand that you might not have the strength to deal with these things now.  Please know that I am not intending this as a "nag" or anything like that.  It's just that most people don't know that tenant's rights exist even without a lease or contract and even if someone doesn't pay rent (either to a landlord or a person they're living with), though I am not assuming or implying that you did not pay rent and contribute to home expenses.  I certainly get that it may be better for you in the long run to put his family behind you and allow yourself to simply grieve all that you have lost.  It doesn't make you weak; it means you are grieving, which often takes every bit of the limited strength we have.  I just want you to know that you may have options.

And please do come here to talk, rant, and even "scream" if that helps.  The members here "get it" and will be here for you.

[WhichWaysUp]

Unfortunately I have no rights at all where we lived  The landlord showed up while all this was going on and informed that she was changing all the the next morning. I am handicapped and have leg braces and asthma that has been kicking my my butt from crying. 

I did research everything and I have no rights at all.. Nothing about me matters. They were sending me messages accusing me of taking things... I didn't even have enough time to get my stuff out  They haven't even stepped foot in our place the entire time we were together and only care about what they can get. I have had to block them so they stop. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry you have been through this, it seems unfair, but when the laws aren't in your favor, your hands are tied.   That you have to go through all this trauma on top of losing your person, that just seems way too much.  Do come here and vent, we care, even if we can't do anything.

[RichS]

Welcome to our board. We are here to provide helpful support and comfort to each other every day. We can do the same for you. Please continue to post here.

[foreverhis]

On 12/8/2023 at 7:34 PM, WhichWaysUp said:

Unfortunately I have no rights at all where we lived  The landlord showed up while all this was going on and informed that she was changing all the the next morning.

I am so sorry to hear this.  How heartless and cruel.  With your physical challenges, everything is no doubt that much harder.  Sending you virtual hugs.💗

[WhichWaysUp]

Thank you. Just getting out of bed is hard. I keep pushing myself but I don't seem to be going anywhere. I miss him so much and I can't believe people are so cruel and greedy.  Today I forced myself up and ate then just went back to bed and cried. 

[KayC]

And I don't blame you.  I hope you can find someplace good to walk somewhere near you it's the only thing I found that helped me...going out in the woods and screaming at the bears and cougar!  None of them dared attack, I literally saw them run the other way.  But George and I used to walk those woods, and it is no wonder it's where I found my solace.

[RichS]

9 minutes ago, KayC said:

I hope you can find someplace good to walk somewhere near you it's the only thing I found that helped me. Going out in the woods and screaming at the bears and cougar!  None of them dared attack, I literally saw them run the other way.  

Yes, that's the best thing to do. A different environment. Somewhere quiet where you have time to reflect. 

Kay: Now we know who's "king of your jungle." 

 

10 hours ago, WhichWaysUp said:

Today I forced myself up and ate then just went back to bed and cried.

If this is what you can do for now, that's OK. You'll eventually try to go outside for a walk; but only when YOU are ready to do it, and you will be in time.

[Jemiga70]

On 12/8/2023 at 1:49 AM, WhichWaysUp said:

Four days after he died his family came to are condo  (my name isn't on the lease) and made me leave with an hours notice.

My condolences on the loss of your soulmate.  We get it here.

His family sound like a heartless bunch. It's not fair you're dealing with their cruel behavior on top of the tremendous loss you've suffered.  I hope this forum can bring you even a smidgen of comfort. These are early days of grief for you. I remember them well. Do only what you need to do. The rest can wait.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, Sim7079 said:

All you can do for now is take it one day at a time and try to eat well and look after yourself the best you can, walking in nature really helped me in the early days, it still does.

Good advice, I do it too.

[WhichWaysUp]

Each day passes so slowly... I try to occupy my brain but as soon as I stop the floodgate of loss washes over me. Thanksgiving was awful and Christmas is even more painful. I don't think I will be able to breathe through my nose again... 

[WhichWaysUp]

I made it through Christmas. I focused on Christ and the birth story and did my best not to think about much else. I hurt so deeply I want to be with him in our home and it's all gone. Our lil dog keeps begging to go home to Daddy and crying. I try to explain to her but she just knows what she wants and I can't blame her but it's tipping me up. Last year was filled with so much love and this year empty... I miss him so bad... 

[RichS]

Keep posting here. Consider this board as your friend. We’re here to help each other get through each day and will do the same for you.

[KayC]

14 hours ago, WhichWaysUp said:

Our lil dog keeps begging to go home to Daddy and crying.

This happened when my neighbor's husband died in February, her dog Jazzy kept going under his desk...so hard to watch them grieve.

[WhichWaysUp]

Talk to a counselor, yea right. Being an introvert who is constantly forcing myself to be an extravert is not a good patient. I don't want talk, I don't want any of this.

I have been thru so much crap in my life and I just kept going. Now I just hurt. All my everything is gone. I have even been trying to read more and meditate, it's not helping. I had a ring made with his hair (while he was still alive) to help me feel closer... its the only thing that has helped. 

God is only one that knows how much I ache for your smile, or a slight touch. 

[RichS]

4 hours ago, WhichWaysUp said:

Now I just hurt. All my everything is gone. I have even been trying to read more and meditate, it's not helping. I had a ring made with his hair (while he was still alive) to help me feel closer... its the only thing that has helped. 

My friend (who is a grief counselor) is in the process of trying to get his book published. Here's an excerpt that may be helpful to you:

Anyone who has lost a loved one knows that familiar ache of missing the one who is gone and the void that is left without their presence. There’s also a sense of loneliness in the world of mourning because those who are grieving feel like everything is out of sync. In contrast, the rest of the world appears to operate like clockwork, orderly and normal. People seem to be going about their lives, as if nothing is wrong. To those who have lost someone, it feels like not only is everything wrong, but nothing is right. The disconnect between the person in grief and others makes the griever feel all the more isolated. It’s as if they’re flowing in the moment, while holding on for dear life. Yet a breakthrough of loneliness can take place in a moment by making one simple telephone call, speaking one word to another person, or sharing feelings with a trusted person. Breaking loneliness starts by letting those we’re comfortable with, into our private grief world. 

[DWS]

6 hours ago, RichS said:

There’s also a sense of loneliness in the world of mourning because those who are grieving feel like everything is out of sync. In contrast, the rest of the world appears to operate like clockwork, orderly and normal. People seem to be going about their lives, as if nothing is wrong. To those who have lost someone, it feels like not only is everything wrong, but nothing is right. 

My God...these were my exact thoughts upon waking up this morning. I continually try to put into words how I'm feeling and as I made my way out of the bed, I said that nothing feels right now. With Tom, there was order. There was balance. There was stability, security, and a general sense of okay-ness. Normality too. 

That's a great and important excerpt in your friend's book. 

[DWS]

7 hours ago, RichS said:

Yet a breakthrough of loneliness can take place in a moment by making one simple telephone call, speaking one word to another person, or sharing feelings with a trusted person. Breaking loneliness starts by letting those we’re comfortable with, into our private grief world. 

I think this is the scary and lonely part for a lot of us. As time moves along, we begin to wonder who we could trust to open up to. Who will listen to our ongoing grief with an open mind? For me, after telling someone how much emotional pain I still have, the last thing I'd want is someone responding with "have you tried therapy" or "do you still talk with your grief counselor".  In essence, questions like that give me the understanding that this person isn't interested in the sharing of my heart or the invitation into my "private grief world"....and that does bring on loneliness. And again, that's why I'm so thankful for this discussion forum!

[Kindred Spirit]

"WhichWaysUp", I'm so sorry you're having to deal with not only the soul-crushing grief that comes from losing the most special person in your life but the horrible family issues as well. I joined here recently but haven't opened up much. I'm an introvert, also. My best friend and soulmate was my mother, but for some reason, I seem to identify more with those who have lost partners. I think it's because Mom and I lived together my entire life and partnered in unconditionally caring for each other, our house, decision-making, etc. She was my only source of unconditional love. We were a team of two.

I really don't have any other family or friends and have faced everything alone. Holidays, severe health problems, legal problems, EVERYTHING. I definitely do not have anyone who wants to understand how my whole life was ripped into shreds of nothingness when Mom died. 

I have two biological relatives I haven't seen in decades and an "acquaintance/friend" - an aunt who blames Mom and me for not socializing and joining clubs, etc., when I started crying about being all alone, and a cousin I reconnected with who, at one point, went on an hour-long rant at me because I didn't agree with her political viewpoint. The "friend" saw I had put out some meaningful cards from my mom to me and said, "What was I doing - turning my house into a mausoleum?". That cut right to the bone. I speak with these people and basically burst into tears later on. It's been almost a year, and things have just gotten progressively worse. Every day is an unbearable struggle. I can relate to everything said here. Please take care. I'm thinking about you and all the rest of us navigating this unwanted and unfair journey. 

[Kindred Spirit]

On 1/19/2024 at 8:13 PM, WhichWaysUp said:

I had a ring made with his hair (while he was still alive) to help me feel closer... its the only thing that has helped. 

For my Christmas present to myself, I had an engraved bracelet made using my mother's actual handwriting. I got it from a popular online site. Not expensive, but oh so meaningful to me. I haven't taken it off since...

[KayC]

I'm glad you got that.

[Griefsucks810]

On 12/8/2023 at 2:49 AM, WhichWaysUp said:

Hi everyone my soulmate suddenly died unexpectedly from ??? at the beginning of November. We both had very bad situations in our past and weren't looking for anyone at all. Somehow we both absolutely fell into a deep undescribable love even though its not what either of us wanted and we fought it intensely. We have only been living together for two years but they were so full. I have some physical challenges that I fight with every day but still keep fairly active and workout. Neither of us wanted to be apart for more than a couple hours. He even asked me "that if anything ever happened to him, would I take my life to join him"?  I am a Christian and it goes against what I believed in. 

His family have been estranged except for a sibling whom was somewhat there. I have been an absolute mess since he died. He had just gotten a clean physical and we were getting ready to enjoy retirement together with lots of plans.  Then he died. All I could do is go home and hold his pillow and cry.  I hurt so bad I can't even take a deep breath. I just can't stop crying. I am not a crier and now it won't stop. Im continuously trying to do things and workout to keep my brain on other things but it's just not working.

Four days after he died his family came to are condo  (my name isn't on the lease) and made me leave with an hours notice.  "This is a family thing and you need to get out".  I have lost the love of my life, my home we shared, and our entire future, all gone. Then one of the family members stole my medication in the chaos as if my life wasn't bad enough. Just making thru each day and night is so very hard. I read books, pray, and cry. I have even broken down and tried to get some help to talk to someone but everyone near here is backed up for months. 

I am at loss. I can't get a grip and keep losing it.  I put on my mask and do what I must then go somewhere out of the way and breakdown. So now his family is accusing me of taking some of his things  I didn't even get all my things out. They are treating me awful and they don't even know me. I had to tell them not to contact me anymore because they just keep hurting me.

I'm just lost and hurt with no way up. All I want to do is climb under a rock. I don't know why they keep attacking me. 

Omg I can’t believe that his family gave you 1 hours notice to leave the place you shared with him - that’s awful! There aren’t enough mental health therapists and psychiatrists around to help people in crisis when they need it the most. 

[Griefsucks810]

On 12/8/2023 at 10:04 PM, foreverhis said:

Welcome.  I'm very sorry you have a reason to be here with us.  And I'm so sorry, as well as angry on your behalf, about what his family is doing to you.  They are being horrible.

About what I quoted above.  I urge you, if you're able, to look up the tenancy laws in your area.  In most places, you have tenant's rights after having lived at an address a certain amount of time, which varies from 7 days to 2-3 months.  It doesn't matter if your name is on the lease; it doesn't matter whether you paid rent.  What matters is that what his family did to you is almost certainly illegal.  As well, they are guilty of theft of your personal property.  His landlord could also be on the hook for allowing his family to kick you out without notice and without your personal possessions.

If you are able to find your local laws, you could save them and/or print them out.  Then confront the landlord first and tell him or her that you were kicked out by his lease holder's family with no notice and that they kept your personal belongings.  Then, if you can, turn the tables on his family.  Show them the laws, demand that they return your personal property to you, and tell them you will file a civil suit if they do not.

I do understand that you might not have the strength to deal with these things now.  Please know that I am not intending this as a "nag" or anything like that.  It's just that most people don't know that tenant's rights exist even without a lease or contract and even if someone doesn't pay rent (either to a landlord or a person they're living with), though I am not assuming or implying that you did not pay rent and contribute to home expenses.  I certainly get that it may be better for you in the long run to put his family behind you and allow yourself to simply grieve all that you have lost.  It doesn't make you weak; it means you are grieving, which often takes every bit of the limited strength we have.  I just want you to know that you may have options.

And please do come here to talk, rant, and even "scream" if that helps.  The members here "get it" and will be here for you.

You have given great advice to this man - hopefully he’ll take your advice and begin  legal action against that family and maybe have a chance to get his personal belongings back.  If I were him, I’d tell the landlord what happened and ask if he/she would join him in taking legal action against the family cuz what they did was 100% illegal.  
 

[WhichWaysUp]

Each day comes and goes. So many things are going on around me but I'm just stuck. I do what I must must each day but nothing more. I am trying to distract myself as much as possible and stuff everything into my emotional imaginary box and close it tightly. 

Counseling was a joke. Its just not for me I guess. All the counselor said was wow your entire life has been a mess. Thanks I already knew that.  It still feels like it happened yesterday and the days and especially the nights havent improved. A stack of pillows next to me is no substitute.

I know it's part of life but I'm wondering when or if I'm going to ever have a happy life.  I have never cried so much in my life and it's not something I want to embrace.  Everything I see or hear makes me think of him. A short moment in time when I was allowed to dream, plan, and be happy... Gone

[KayC]

8 hours ago, WhichWaysUp said:

All the counselor said was wow your entire life has been a mess.

Wow, bad counselor!!!  Someone could say that about mine too I guess, but it's not how our life has been, it's about what we've learned and grown through it all, and I'm a wise old buzzard now! 

Ever since George died I speak my mind more, stand up to people, don't take crap off of anyone, not even a counselor or doctor.  I just don't.  

I'm glad you had him in your life even though all too short...so was mine, but for that moment in time it was a dream and it's enough to carry me for life.

[WhichWaysUp]

It never gets easier. It hurts more every day. Having 3 weeks of COVID followed by even more of his family drama. They just don't get it. I refuse to be harassed anymore by them. I haven't done anything to them and they won't even let him rest in peace. No anything except sorrow and loss. I pray everyday but I just feel tears on my cheeks.. 

[vvjoris]

On 1/20/2024 at 2:11 PM, RichS said:

(...). Breaking loneliness starts by letting those we’re comfortable with, into our private grief world. 

The issue can be that some we are supposed to be comfortable with, like a brother, refuse to even try to understand how it is in our "private grief world", and remarks like "Ohh, I know so many people that lost their partner and got over it" really don't help, it's to me proof they don't understand how tight and strong the love between me and my lost partner was. 

Can you blame someone who doesn't know what real love is?

[KayC]

9 hours ago, vvjoris said:

"Ohh, I know so many people that lost their partner and got over it"

No, they THINK they got over it, do they think they would confide in them when they clearly don't get it?  Put up the hand to him.

[DWS]

9 hours ago, vvjoris said:

and remarks like "Ohh, I know so many people that lost their partner and got over it" really don't help, it's to me proof they don't understand how tight and strong the love between me and my lost partner was. 

Can you blame someone who doesn't know what real love is?

Sadly and very weirdly, this becomes one of the unexpected challenges within this loss...a surreal battle at defending our love for our person who was taken from us. As if losing our spouses or partners wasn't horrible enough, we're then left defending the grief from it! This can leave us in a very lonely place. Not only have we lost our one and only soulmate/best friend/confidant in life, we eventually can find ourselves searching for someone who will take our continual grief seriously. 

"Can we blame someone who doesn't know what real love is?" Reluctantly, I'd have to say no but I gain more strength now at being someone who knows the impact of real love.