I'd been such an idiot

[Aniko]

Hi there.

I’ve lost my Dad 3 months ago. He was not ill, he was full of life, full of energy and always in a good mood and smiling.

I’m 47 but as his relatives all passed at around 95-98 years, it never occurred to me that it could happen now. I thought he’d live for at least another 15-20 years.

It was my birthday on September 9th, and my parents called me at 2 PM to wish me happy birthday. They told me they would come to me the next day with my birthday cake. 2 hours later, I got a call from my nephew that the ambulance is there and they can’t relive him. He just fell and 10 minutes later, when the ambulance arrived, he had no heart beat any more. When I arrived 90 minutes later, he’d been covered by a blanket. I would say it was the worst moment of my life, but I’m living the worst moments for 3 months now. I just can’t believe it and can’t accept it. I do love my Mom, but it’s been always my Dad’s opinion that I’ve waited for. Everything I did, I always just wanted to see his face, how he reacts, what he says about it. I would have been devastated by this happening on any day, but now I tell my relatives to never congratulate me on my birthday ever again. In the kitchen there was an envelope for me, with a card wishing me all the happiness. Instead, I haven’t ever felt such a pain in my life and now I know that I’d have to do it again one day.

My parents lived 60 miles away, but my Dad bought a weekend house close to my place a year ago, he was still renovating it and building a garage and new roof etc. He had so many plans! He’s just made the concrete ground for the garage himself in August and the next day he wanted to start putting the bricks for the wall. On that awful day, he already filled up the car with fuel, packed it and just waited the next morning! Why was he taken so early and so suddenly that I couldn’t say goodbye??? I’ve never been a religious person but I just hate the whole world or universe or whatever. He was not ready to go! And I so wasn’t ready to let him go!

Now I think back of all the times that I’ve been impatient with him, and sometimes I’d tell him off when he did something that I didn’t approve of. I called my parents every single day at 7 PM wherever I was. And sometimes when he said something for the 2nd time or when he said something slowly, I’d say „hurry up, I don’t have all day”. And even though I’ve loved him more than anything, since COVID I’ve almost never gave him a kiss on the cheek and never hugged him. I was such an idiot! If I had known he’d be taken away just like that, I’d have given him 1000 hugs and a million kisses! I also think that if it weren’t for me, he’d still be here and I would never forgive myself for that. He’s been very happy during the last year but if I hadn’t found him this weekend house to buy, he wouldn’t have worked 12 hours a day and wouldn’t have overdone it, which his heart apparently couldn’t bear any more. And people tell me „At least he’d been happy” and „at least he passed quickly”. How would that console me? I wanted him on this Earth for another 20 years! How am I supposed to live without him? 3 months ago, he’d told me that he would go out to the cemetery to visit his Mom’s grave and now I stand in the cemetery and look at his headstone! Why??? Even his GP’s assistant started to cry when she heard his passing. He was the most helpful and most caring person on the planet and he would have deserved a much nicer daughter than me. The whole neighborhood was at his funeral because everybody loved him. I loved him the most but I couldn’t show it and now I regret it so much, and I wonder whether he knew how much I appreciated him. I just cry the whole day and take sleeping pills and went to a therapist 3 times but it hasn’t helped because she couldn’t turn back the time or bring my Dad back neither. I have to be strong for my Mom, but inside I just feel hollow and alone. My husband is kind of angry with me too because he sees that his presence can’t help me neither, because nothing makes sense without my Dad. I exist because my Mom needs me, but I wish I could be with Him and I just want to see Him again.

I know that you, who read this, are also here because you’re grieving a loved one, and I’m sorry for all of you. I never knew before that such a pain existed. It’s such a sh** world.

[Traz]

Dear Aniko,

I hear your grief and sorrow. I do understand and my heart goes out to you. These are still early days in your grief and it is a long process and journey. That your Dad transitioned on your birthday is  extremely painful and I'm so sorry. 

It's really a common thing to blame ourselves too. We go over in our heads of all the things we could have or should have done, but we rarely focus on the hundreds maybe thousands of times we were loving, supportive, kind and empathetic. Your Dad absolutely knows you love him. There is no blame. There is only love. 

I sound like a broken record because I have said this to others, but I've found immense comfort in seeking out spiritual things since I lost my mom. (vs religion) After she passed I had a very difficult time. Life felt meaningless and I didn't know where to turn. The world felt empty and crazy as well - this was in the very beginning of the pandemic and it was very isolating. 

I stumbled upon a channel on YouTube which interviewed dozens of people who had Near Death Experiences. This brought me immense comfort and peace. It also lead me down a path toward understanding that we do not die. We are spiritual beings, renting bodies on this earthly plane to learn and grow. It lead me to read the works of Dr. Bruce Greyson and Dr. Eben Alexander. People have different experiences, but the messages they come back with are just so profound and comforting. 

If you are interested, I can give you the name of the YT channel.  Life on earth is not easy, that's for sure. And when we lose the people we love the most,  it can feel almost too much to bear. 

Wishing you comfort and peace,

Traz

 

[Master Yoda]

I understand how you feel Aniko - its close to 2 years since I lost my mom - I'd pretty much give anything to go back in time, but can't. Just hang-on, just hang-on....it takes time for grief to fully hit you and to take its due process....just hang-go, and don't blame yourself too much. 

[Aniko]

Hi Master Yoda,

thanks for your reply. I'm sorry for your mom. I guess it's still terrible for you to live life, even after 2 years.

I don't feel to have anything any more to hang on to, except my Mom. I just don't want to live without my Dad. Every day is hell. And now I'm supposed to say happy holidays and hapy new year to everyone, knowing that last year my Dad had told me Happy New Year and this turned out to be the most terrible year, and next year will be just like that without him, or even worse, because this year he's been around for around 250 days, next year it'll be 0 day. I never wanted to live without him. Now I know how it is and it's horrible. I thought like a week ago that I'd be able to cope with it, but I realize again and again that I can't.

 

[Master Yoda]

Hi Aniko - I never knew it would hurt so bad; but please just hang-on...I'm sure your Dad wanted you to live a long and happy life. It takes a lot of time...I'm not sure if it heals completely....but it takes a long time to be able to feel a little bit normal...while the world around us goes on and on.....just hang-on please.