I lost my wife

[John612]

I lost my wife a month and a half ago. She was the love of my life. I am only hanging around to take care of our 2 teenage kids but I really dont want to be here anymore. I pray and think of the kids and that is all that is keeping me going at this point. I tried to get grief counseling but the reference I got from my doctor when I called they said they were booked until 6/2024. Everyday is pointless and I have nothing to look forward to

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss...yet glad you found this place.
Casa had income based counseling, might be worth a try.

I'm glad you found this place and want to welcome you here!f

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[DMB]

John I am very sorry for your loss.  I know it may not really help now, but in your own time I hope that you will feel different.  My husband has been gone 3 years now.  I still miss him terribly.  I hate going home to an empty house.  In the beginning I too just kept going for the kids.  That whole 1st year is a blur now.  I wasn't sure how I would do it.  I kept saying "I can't do this" I had some inconsolable moments. Yet, things got done that had to be done that I've never had to do before.  We just went to the cemetery this past Saturday with fresh greens, holly and bows and I get a little freaked out seeing my name on the stone but when it's my time, it's time. I did find a way to carry all this stuff around and try to live the best life I can without him.

Keep coming around, there are many here that have felt exactly like you, and we would love to listen to you and try to help you get through this God-awful year.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

John612, I am so sorry for the loss of your beloved wife, the love of your life.  I know what you are going through, having lost my bride in late June of this year.  I was numb for the first days, then weeks, and months after she went to sleep.  But I had my sister-in-law here to help me get through stuff like final details.  Friends and family helped me through the truly tough first few days.  Even now the whole things still seems surreal, and sometimes it makes no sense to me.  

This forum is the place to let your emotions and feelings out.  We get what you are going through.  One day at a time.  First task of the day is get up and get dressed.  After that, you’ll figure it out.  We all need to do that.  

[RichS]

17 hours ago, John612 said:

I tried to get grief counseling but the reference I got from my doctor when I called they said they were booked until 6/2024. Everyday is pointless and I have nothing to look forward to

John:   Welcome to our board. We on this board are all sorry for your loss; and our members are here to sympathize and offer advice when we can. Continue to post here. We can help fill in the time you have to wait before you can get the grief counseling you need. In fact, once you get it, you'll find that this board will bring you a lot of comfort along your grief journey. I've been here almost a year and it's been one of the best finds of my life.

I'm also a caretaker like you (son and uncle); and if it wasn't for them, I'd be ready to meet my maker if he or she were ready to accept me. Early in our grief, it's best to take it one day at a time. We've all gone down your path and we're all still here to talk about it. With support from the board and others, you will get through this as well.

[KayC]

42 minutes ago, RichS said:

I'm also a caretaker like you (son and uncle); and if it wasn't for them, I'd be ready to meet my maker if he or she were ready to accept me.

Makes me think of John...we never did learn what became of him, but I rather think it was the cancer...all of the caretaking and estate stuff he did and never got any relief from it...now it's his son's to deal with.    He did his level best, what a trooper.  Miss hearing from him and tnd.

[Sparky1]

55 minutes ago, KayC said:

Makes me think of John...we never did learn what became of him, but I rather think it was the cancer...all of the caretaking and estate stuff he did and never got any relief from it...now it's his son's to deal with.    He did his level best, what a trooper.  Miss hearing from him and tnd.

I also keep thinking about John and even tnd, sad to not know any details, but we can only assume the worst. Both fought like crazy with their illnesses, so unfortunate we couldn't have any way of knowing what happened. ☹️

[shawnt]

I am sorry for your loss. I found one of the hardest things was finding a reason to continue. This is where the one day at a time, one hour, one minute , one breath comes in. I was trying to look to far out; not knowing what my purpose was and absolutely sure that it died with her. You will find that, one tiny piece at a time. Love your children and friends and let them love you back and be very gentle and kind to yourself. When it is to much, stop, and start again tomorrow or the next day or the day after that. Read KayCs welcome again, it all won't make sense or sink in now but there is real help there. Lots of stuff you hear and read may piss you off, that's ok. Down the road things will look different and might help. For awhile nothing will. I am sorry but this is a terrible road you walk alone but all of us here walk it too. This site helped me I hope it will help you also.

[PO1LarryLost]

I also am sorry for your loss, John.   I am in my 5th week of wondering why bother.   I know my husband, who was my everything, wants me to have a good life.  But darn it - it is so hard without him.   Doing the little things, like giving the dogs a bath which he did even when his health was not good, brings me a state of uselessness.   I am so glad I found this forum and these wonderful people that have and are going through the same things we are.   Makes me feel just a bit less alone.

[RichS]

1 hour ago, PO1LarryLost said:

 I am so glad I found this forum and these wonderful people that have and are going through the same things we are.   Makes me feel just a bit less alone.

WELCOME!!...........I discovered this forum about a year ago. It's helped me a lot. Please continue to post here.

[tbterps]

I lost my Wife and Soulmate 9/19/23.  I found this forum browsing 1 day and I read many posts without commenting.  I have gotten to the point where now I can.  There was times that thought I couldn't get to the next day, the next minute, etc, but I had to remind myself, what would she do?, would she want me to just give up?  I have to look at this that this is her time to watch over me, but yes, it's hard!  The loneliness is real.  What have worked for me is there are times I go back to that place where my emotions are everywhere, but I also know, I can't stay there, nor would she want me to.  I miss her like crazy, but I also know she would want me to live.  This forum truly have been a sanity check where when I'm struggling, I see other people are going thru the same time and unfortunately, i'm not alone.  Hang in there!

[RichS]

tbterps:  Welcome to our board. All of us here are very sorry for your loss. We're glad that you've been using this board to help you get through the grieving process. All of us have doing the same thing. Please continue to post here. There are lots of caring people here; and we help support each other each and every day.

[KayC]

10 hours ago, tbterps said:

I lost my Wife and Soulmate 9/19/23.

I'm glad you finally decided to join us, although I'm very sorry you have reason to.  It's the hardest thing in the world.  Five months, one of the hardest times.  Six Month Mark and another one although different Six Month Mark.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[HisMunchkin]

I'm so sorry for your loss, John612.  We've all been in a very similar place.  Welcome to the board!  I hope you'll stick around to post.  We are all ears.  You are not alone! 💝

 

On 12/6/2023 at 2:37 PM, PO1LarryLost said:

I also am sorry for your loss, John.   I am in my 5th week of wondering why bother.   I know my husband, who was my everything, wants me to have a good life.  But darn it - it is so hard without him.   Doing the little things, like giving the dogs a bath which he did even when his health was not good, brings me a state of uselessness.   I am so glad I found this forum and these wonderful people that have and are going through the same things we are.   Makes me feel just a bit less alone.

 

14 hours ago, tbterps said:

I lost my Wife and Soulmate 9/19/23.  I found this forum browsing 1 day and I read many posts without commenting.  I have gotten to the point where now I can.  There was times that thought I couldn't get to the next day, the next minute, etc, but I had to remind myself, what would she do?, would she want me to just give up?  I have to look at this that this is her time to watch over me, but yes, it's hard!  The loneliness is real.  What have worked for me is there are times I go back to that place where my emotions are everywhere, but I also know, I can't stay there, nor would she want me to.  I miss her like crazy, but I also know she would want me to live.  This forum truly have been a sanity check where when I'm struggling, I see other people are going thru the same time and unfortunately, i'm not alone.  Hang in there!

Welcome, both!  And I'm very sorry for your loss.

[Marq]

On 12/5/2023 at 10:36 AM, John612 said:

I lost my wife a month and a half ago. She was the love of my life. I am only hanging around to take care of our 2 teenage kids but I really dont want to be here anymore. I pray and think of the kids and that is all that is keeping me going at this point. I tried to get grief counseling but the reference I got from my doctor when I called they said they were booked until 6/2024. Everyday is pointless and I have nothing to look forward to

I lost my Dorothy beginning of February.  I would trade places with her.  She was the better parent.  I am tired. I have trouble falling asleep and I don't like waking up.  But you said it.  I'm here to take care of our kids.  I think maybe i will find other reasons in the future, but for now, I'm here to take care of our kids

[RichS]

2 hours ago, Marq said:

I lost my Dorothy beginning of February.  I would trade places with her.  She was the better parent.  I am tired. I have trouble falling asleep and I don't like waking up.  But you said it.  I'm here to take care of our kids.  I think maybe i will find other reasons in the future, but for now, I'm here to take care of our kids

Marq:  My life is similar to your situation. Though I try, my wife Chris was the better parent. I'm often tired, sometimes overwhelmed by my responsibilities, and also have trouble falling asleep many nights. As I'm writing this, its almost 3 AM. I'll be up for awhile and eventually get back to bed. I believe care taking has been my calling in life. Family and friends have been reminding me to take care of myself as well. THEY'RE RIGHT!

Like you, people sometimes ask me what I plan to do going forward. That is the $64,000 question. I'm still sorting through things (figuratively and literally); the latest being planning my 95 year old uncle's funeral. Through it all, my faith has been my strong hold. I can't explain how, it just is. Through my faith I hope to also find a clearer idea of what my life will be going forward. Since my wife's passing, everything looks the same but feels different. If you haven't already discovered, this board and the people on it are one of my anchors.

These two paragraphs (in a nutshell) kind of sum up my life these days. The journey continues.............................

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

10 minutes ago, RichS said:

Through it all, my faith has been my strong hold. I can't explain how, it just is. Through my faith I hope to also find a clearer idea of what my life will be going forward. Since my wife's passing, everything looks the same but feels different.

I know exactly what you mean.  Nothing is the same, not even the air I breathe at home it seems.  But one of the things that keeps popping up in my mind is I have to be ready to be there for our friends when the time comes that they experience their own loss.  We are getting to be in that time of our lives where it is a matter of time, sad to say, and I plan to be there to support them as much as possible.  

[KayC]

A dear lady that lived across the street from our church, she got dementia and had to be placed in a care center, our church saw to her as her "family" would not, they never came to see her, nothing.  We helped clear out her belongings, her place is for sale, we had a huge birthday party for her at her care center, one lady even made her a quilt!  It was a special day and I'm glad we did it, we didn't know it would be her last birthday here.  We are having a memorial servie for her March 2, am hoping I can get down to it as we have snow coming in this week, quite a lot of it and high winds to boot.  Will have a lot of shoveling to do Monday on.

Donna loved tending her garden, her entire yard was her garden, now it's all dead and unkempt.   A testiment to her life gone from there.  We used to do dishes together at the church, I miss her.

[HisMunchkin]

12 hours ago, Marq said:

I am tired. I have trouble falling asleep and I don't like waking up.

 

9 hours ago, RichS said:

I'm often tired, sometimes overwhelmed by my responsibilities, and also have trouble falling asleep many nights.

Me too.

 

 

4 hours ago, KayC said:

A dear lady that lived across the street from our church, she got dementia and had to be placed in a care center, our church saw to her as her "family" would not, they never came to see her, nothing.  We helped clear out her belongings, her place is for sale, we had a huge birthday party for her at her care center, one lady even made her a quilt!  It was a special day and I'm glad we did it, we didn't know it would be her last birthday here.  We are having a memorial servie for her March 2, am hoping I can get down to it as we have snow coming in this week, quite a lot of it and high winds to boot.  Will have a lot of shoveling to do Monday on.

Donna loved tending her garden, her entire yard was her garden, now it's all dead and unkempt.   A testiment to her life gone from there.  We used to do dishes together at the church, I miss her.

I'm so sorry. 😥

[Griefsucks810]

On 12/5/2023 at 1:36 PM, John612 said:

I lost my wife a month and a half ago. She was the love of my life. I am only hanging around to take care of our 2 teenage kids but I really dont want to be here anymore. I pray and think of the kids and that is all that is keeping me going at this point. I tried to get grief counseling but the reference I got from my doctor when I called they said they were booked until 6/2024. Everyday is pointless and I have nothing to look forward to

Sorry for the loss of your wife.  You don’t wanna leave your 2 kids without a father cuz you’re all they have and they depend on you for their every need. I’m sure it’s very hard raising 2 teenage kids by yourself and having to keep it together for them. Did you ever get grief counseling?  How are your kids coping with the loss of their mother? I hope all 3 of you are doing well and to the best you can. Take it one day at a time cuz that’s what I do.  I don’t think too far ahead cuz I’m uncertain as to what my future entails or what will become of me. I just live for the day. 

there are no grief counselors where I live who take health insurance - it’s all cash and very expensive.  Did you pursue grief counseling or no? If you didn’t at least you have the people in this group to help you cope. I found a grief website called soaring spirits.org. which I joined in January 2024. It is a very informative website which has a lot of topics to choose from their discussion boards where you can read others posts about a particular topic and you can also respond to that person if you choose to.  They also host a yearly 3 day weekend in a city of their choosing where you can meet other widows and widowers from all over the country and also meet the people who oversee soaring spirits.org. It’s a place where other widows and widowers can connect with each other and form friendships, cry together, give hugs, and share each other’s stories as to what led them to lose their spouse/partner. Unfortunately Im unable to go to any yearly weekend event because I’m on a fixed monthly income. The money I receive pays my rent, my utilities, kitty litter and cat food, and my personal hygiene and household products and there’s very little money left over for me which I have to stretch out for the month. 
I have a therapist who I talk to about my depression and anxiety and my life- she’s not a grief counselor but I can talk to her about my grief if I want to. Don’t know how much she can help me with my grief but I’ll bring up the grief subject at my next session.
 

 

[Bob1948]

I lost my wife of 54 years on January 3, 2024, to cancer.  My children are grown and have lives of their own. I've been retired for 10 years, and we spent most of our time together. In the beginning I constantly ask myself the unanswerable questions "now what?" I finally decided that I needed some sort of routine in my life.  So i went back to volunteering even though i really wanted to stay in the house and not see anyone. Like most people on this site the nights are the hardest because that's when we spent our time together.  Most of the time I just feel numb and try not dwell on the "now what."

I know its a journey not a race and I feel for anyone who has been forced to make this journey.

[RichS]

32 minutes ago, Bob1948 said:

I constantly ask myself the unanswerable questions "now what?"

Bob:  WELCOME to our board! Here you will find lots of caring, sympathetic folks who are going through our own grief journeys. If you find your evenings kind of empty, step on to this board. There's usually someone here or some interesting topics started by one of our members.

By the way, I ask the same unanswerable question myself every day. Maybe some day I'll get a clearer answer........................

[Marq]

14 hours ago, Bob1948 said:

I lost my wife of 54 years on January 3, 2024, to cancer.  My children are grown and have lives of their own. I've been retired for 10 years, and we spent most of our time together. In the beginning I constantly ask myself the unanswerable questions "now what?" I finally decided that I needed some sort of routine in my life.  So i went back to volunteering even though i really wanted to stay in the house and not see anyone. Like most people on this site the nights are the hardest because that's when we spent our time together.  Most of the time I just feel numb and try not dwell on the "now what."

I know its a journey not a race and I feel for anyone who has been forced to make this journey.

Glad you found this board.  Finding this board was very helpful for me. I think these pages are most helpful in explaining to me that there are no answers. There is no answer to why. No single answer to what next. And they’ve also helped me sort of walk back from the what ifs.   When it’s late, when I feel cold angry and alone, when it’s dark, and there’s no one to talk to, I often come to these pages and read other people, thoughts and respond to them.  It helps