Got caught in too much remembrance

[DWS]

For Christmas this year, I was going to create books highlighting my partner Tom's photography. This was a hobby that he had been dabbling in later in his life. He enjoyed taking lots of landscape photos and scenic views with his fancy shmancy cameras that he cherished. Because I work in the printing field, I had plans to lay out 50 to 60 pages for about a dozen printed books to give to his adult kids and then they could dole them out to other family members. This was something that I had thought of doing last year but it seemed too daunting of a task emotionally back then. 

But it proved to be too emotionally daunting this year as well. I was a bit excited to get starting with it because I had new ideas to put into it. I was going to intersperse more of his personality throughout the book with his eye-rolling dad jokes, some Star Trek and Star Wars references, and quotes from his favourite songs and artists. It all seemed like such a great project but I got overwhelmed in his remembrances last weekend when I finally got down to creating it. The biggest setback was that many of the photos were in his emails to me. Some I had already downloaded in a folder but I needed more pics which meant I had to revisit our entire email communications throughout our years together. There were his little quips with the exact dates as evidence of our past reality. I could pinpoint what was going on. Minor things that I had forgotten were now remembered. All of what I've been missing all of these past months came to life again.

After spending the morning and early afternoon submerged in our memory lane, I found myself beginning to feel the massive loss all over again. He was so alive in all of those emails and because he passed away unexpectedly in his sleep, I ended up being bewildered and perplexed at his absence. Why again? Why aren't you here? Why isn't now the same as what I'm seeing in your emails?

I reached the conclusion that I can't do it...not now anyway...so I quit that project. I went outside to rake more leaves and felt the bitter loneliness all over again. Tom's not here to help rake. He's not here to get the outside work done so we can reward ourselves later inside with a glass of wine. 

I got lost in the memories. Wondering if anyone has had anything similar happen. 

[shawnt]

Whenever we count all that has been lost and the ways in which they were lost our soul cries out for it's mate. I have started some things that I can't finish, maybe just for now or maybe there will be some things I can never do and places I won't ever go again. In time that will also be something I count as lost.

My life is permanently altered and some part of me will always long for the loving touch and presence of my  Suzy but she is gone and only lives in my heart .

Some wounds never heal, but I like to think that is the cost of loving someone deeply. Not everyone has to pay the full cost but we did and even in this agony I would not trade one second of my life with her for relief now. I don't know if that thought helps you but for me it makes it more bearable to know I am carrying something for her.

[KayC]

I feel the same, Shawn.

[ThereIsAField]

@DWS I wonder whether this book project is something you have to do on your own?

I totally understand about "getting lost" in the memories.

When a task is so emotional, maybe getting (the right) person to help sort of structure it and keep things on track might be an idea? You could provide the memories, ideas and emotions and they could provide the overview to tie it all together?

Where I live, there's a service that runs via hospices, where trained biographers help parents who have a terminal illness write a child-appropriate autobiography (of the parent) for the soon to be orphaned children. They can look at it together, while the parent is still alive and later, it's a lifelong connection for the kid to the parent they lost. The help is provided because they know the terminally ill parents would be utterly, utterly overwhelmed at having to do such a task/ project on their own.

I know there are people that offer a similar service for "elderly" people who want to write their autobiography down for their children and grandchildren. I think you'd find them just by googling.

Maybe someone like that could help you, if both you and they feel comfortable about the idea of creating a book for your partner?

Or maybe ask your partner's kids to help put the book together...?

Just an idea, of course.

I understand if it's too intimate and it's something you want/ need to do on your own.

Just wanted to point out that you don't *have* to do it on your own.

 

[AJ4]

Yes, definitely I feel that way at times.  Sometimes I need to dive into the memories and feel sad, but sometimes it is overwhelming and I need to stop for a while.  So it comes and goes that way.  

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

What ShawnT and AJ4 said!  😪

[Boggled]

On 12/3/2023 at 11:50 AM, DWS said:

After spending the morning and early afternoon submerged in our memory lane, I found myself beginning to feel the massive loss all over again. He was so alive in all of those emails and because he passed away unexpectedly in his sleep, I ended up being bewildered and perplexed at his absence. Why again? Why aren't you here? Why isn't now the same as what I'm seeing in your emails?

I reached the conclusion that I can't do it...not now anyway...so I quit that project. I went outside to rake more leaves and felt the bitter loneliness all over again. Tom's not here to help rake. He's not here to get the outside work done so we can reward ourselves later inside with a glass of wine. 

I got lost in the memories. Wondering if anyone has had anything similar happen. 

yes, memories.  I run across some thing that brings up memories and just fall into the crying again.   

With me, I started out determined to "get better," to DO SOMETHING to "fix" this deep sorrow I keep on keeping on having.  Over time it seems I have been dropping more and more "activities" I'd imagined would "make things better," until I'm reaching a fine point of "doing nothing."  

They say "go easy on yourself," and really you need to.  Just don't blame yourself.  Go easy.  You will find your way ... whatever it is.

IMHO, the way (for me) is not through activities or efforts.  For me, the way I'm going is to focus back on a moment of peace I had, sit still, remember that feeling ... feel that feeling again.  and again, and again.   All I can say is it seems to "help."  Part of that feeling I remember is "it's okay."   It was partly even slightly humorous.  And it carries the sadness around it, but not in it.  ... well I'm rambling on again.  

 

[shawnt]

No, I think I get it. We are in 2 states, absolute grief and whatever we want to call our new state of selves. On any day I can cry and anticipate something fun.

I have to learn to live with this base sadness and still be able to enjoy holding a baby( or whatever joy comes my way)

It is hard.

[foreverhis]

On 12/3/2023 at 9:50 AM, DWS said:

I got lost in the memories. Wondering if anyone has had anything similar happen. 

Absolutely.  It happened often the first couple of years.  The memories still suck me in sometimes, just not as often.  I'm able to pull myself out most of the time.  Though I still cry, these days I'm also able to smile or even laugh.  Certain things will no doubt always make the tears flow, but I'm okay with that.  I'm just now able to let go of more of his things like power tools and his zero gravity therapy chair.  I know it's high time to sell his car, but I'm not quite there yet because of the memories from our first date and throughout the decades.

Believe me, you are not alone.

[KayC]

I remember cleaning out his trailer, he stayed in it during the work week, I remember bawling, it seemed we'd just gotten it furnished and decorated, one day I'm sewing curtains, the next I'm cleaning it out to give to the guy that detailed and sold his car.  It was so hard.

[RichS]

Shawn:  You and others on this thread have expressed your feelings on memories well. Yesterday I was looking at all of the miniature, snow covered houses and buildings sitting on the mantle of the fireplace. Every one of them was handpicked by Chris. Towards the end of her life, she told me to sell them. Some of them may be valuable, she said. No way. I wouldn't do it then or now. It would be liking selling off a part of my memories of her. For that matter, nothing of hers has left this house since she passed. I can bring myself to do it........................

[KayC]

58 minutes ago, RichS said:

For that matter, nothing of hers has left this house since she passed. I can bring myself to do it........................

And that's okay.  Take the rest of your life...or never.  It's up to you.  If you find comfort in her belongings, then take that comfort.  I never understood how my mom came home from Daddy's funeral and started throwing all his clothes out!  Seems cold.  

[DWS]

23 hours ago, Boggled said:

With me, I started out determined to "get better," to DO SOMETHING to "fix" this deep sorrow I keep on keeping on having.  Over time it seems I have been dropping more and more "activities" I'd imagined would "make things better," until I'm reaching a fine point of "doing nothing."  

I think that's the trap that so many of us grievers (likely the majority) can get into in the beginning. We want to show the world and ourselves that we're all big adults so even though this loss happened, we're going to keep on fighting the good fight...determined and convinced from what society told us that that's what our partners and spouses would want.  I was a bit like that at one point. Back then, the photography book seemed like such a fitting tribute to Tom but as the weeks and months  droned by, the loss actually grew and any, let's say, attempt at feeling "better" was futile. 

And maybe that's it. Maybe meeting grief head-on is actually the adult way. Not to sugarcoat it. Not to bargain with grief but to give into it...like giving into and trusting love. 

23 hours ago, shawnt said:

No, I think I get it. We are in 2 states, absolute grief and whatever we want to call our new state of selves.

That's true. I think of it as a blatant struggle of the heart vs the ego. One day I'm fine and the next I'm again saddened by his absence. Who am I now because I sure am not the same person I used to be. 

9 hours ago, foreverhis said:

Certain things will no doubt always make the tears flow, but I'm okay with that.  I'm just now able to let go of more of his things like power tools and his zero gravity therapy chair.  I know it's high time to sell his car, but I'm not quite there yet because of the memories from our first date and throughout the decades.

The struggle seems to be not only with their absence but with attachment and sentimentality. With myself, I know that I've always be an overly sentimental person and become easily attached to certain things and possessions. It's why I still have Christmas decorations that are over 30 years old. There's memories and sentimentality to them...tradition and remembrances all stemming from my attachment. I don't like to give up things. Retail and marketers dislike people like me!

[shawnt]

The above thoughts are why this site has helped me. Some new ways of thinking about things and seeing people living their lives .

Thank you all for showing your hearts, I know the effort it takes.

[Boggled]

what are we doing and why?  Are we "just" trying to "feel better?"  or are we honoring our loved ones with our continuing grief?  if so, will we continue the grief till we die?  HOW do we "carry on?"   Is grief honoring our loved ones?  wouldn't it seeeeeeem to be "better" to be happy?  and more "honoring" of them?  If we could smile to ourselves with a memory, rather than the sorrow?  but the sorrow is what just keeps coming out of the depths of "me."  I don't choose it, it just keeps on rising up out of the depths of ME.  Whatever "ME" is.

Trying to feel better is definitely worthwhile ... I THINK ... but maybe I'm wrong???????   what do I know?    NOTHING!  I don't choose.  I just experience my own innards doing their thing.  

Lately I've been feeling like a person whose immune system is working out a sickness ... GO, immune system!   Natural, result of millions of years of evolution!  ...  Hey!  yep! I DO believe in evolution.  So there's one pillar holding up whatever this structure is.

[RichS]

Boggled:  Last I checked, for better or worse, ALL OF US are card carrying members of the human race; complete with accessories (our flawed thinking).

[DWS]

39 minutes ago, Boggled said:

Trying to feel better is definitely worthwhile ... I THINK ... but maybe I'm wrong???????   what do I know?    NOTHING!  I don't choose.  I just experience my own innards doing their thing.  

I guess the real question is what is "better". Is better considered to be something other than what we are now? Right now, I'm this overly sentimental and deeply reflective person missing my cherished companion in life.  I don't want to be continually lost and consumed by grief...and I know that I'm not at this point...but I can't see how I or anyone of us can be much 'better" than that. Trusting that I'll smile more in the future isn't a goal. 

[KayC]

8 hours ago, DWS said:

We want to show the world and ourselves that we're all big adults so even though this loss happened, we're going to keep on fighting the good fight

I didn't, I was a mess.  And not ashamed to admit it.

[Boggled]

On 12/6/2023 at 7:32 AM, DWS said:

I think that's the trap that so many of us grievers (likely the majority) can get into in the beginning. We want to show the world and ourselves that we're all big adults so even though this loss happened, we're going to keep on fighting the good fight...determined and convinced from what society told us that that's what our partners and spouses would want.

In the beginning I was in such deep terrible sorrow and PAIN that I was trying allthethings but especially reading reading online, "how to fix this?" ... and at that time (June 2022), the 'net was chock full of "the 5 steps" all at the top of the search engines ... which struck me as odd (not feeling "anger," not beginning to do "bargaining?"  huh?  mebbe I'm just stuck in the "denial" phase???  ... which maybe I WAS, since the recognition that ... Steve DIED!!!!! ... was like a white-hot coal, untouchable!)   But I still had my "moxie," or like that book How Stella Got Her GROOVE Back, I still HAD my "groove," enough to try to figure out "activities" I might could do that would help to "fix" this pain.  I guess I wasted some $$$ buying a bicycle and a kayak, which only got used a few times and did nothing to alleviate the sadness.)  As far as showing "the world" anything, I live in the back of beyond in the country, both physically and socially ... but trying to "fix" myself ... yeah, I did want to do that.  "We're going to keep on fighting the good fight ... determined and convinced from what society told us that that's what our partners and spouses would want?" ... I guess so ... but my "get up and go, got up and went."  

At this point I'm going down and up, up and down, but at least the dreadful overwhelming pain is sort of "better," not as much, still hits but not as overwhelming ... I'm so used to crying, crying hits me, I feel it, do it, blow my nose, and it's "just one of those things," so normal I shift back to another state within seconds.

23 hours ago, DWS said:

Right now, I'm this overly sentimental and deeply reflective person missing my cherished companion in life.  I don't want to be continually lost and consumed by grief..

yeah.  Me too.  

23 hours ago, RichS said:

Boggled:  Last I checked, for better or worse, ALL OF US are card carrying members of the human race; complete with accessories (our flawed thinking).

RichS, yeah, thanks, I'd say (now) that the post about "I know NOTHING!" was me having a "desperation moment."   That was the "truth" of that moment.  ((Sigh.))

[Jemiga70]

On 12/3/2023 at 11:50 AM, DWS said:

I got lost in the memories. Wondering if anyone has had anything similar happen.

Of course. I had big plans to go through 10+ years of digital pics. And while I've already sifted through many of them, inevitably I reach a point where the tears come and I have to stop because the realization that she is gone forever from this lousy planet is much too painful to bear. So now it's something I chip away at. I put no pressure on myself to finish the task. If it never gets done, well, c'est la vie.

We both lost our partners suddenly and unexpectedly. I think maybe that's its own kind of particular trauma. Not comparing losses, they all suck and, frankly, anticipatory grief sounds like a living hell. But this bolt of lightning that was my love's sudden death fried my circuits and left me without resolution, in suspended animation, probably till I take my last breath.

Edited December 20, 2023 by Jemiga70
additional thoughts

[KayC]

George died so long ago, we didn't do animated pictures back then, alas my VHS player is gone so nothing to play the tape on...

[RichS]

Kay:  Can you buy a used VHS player? People are still selling them. Bet you can find a used one on ebay. I'm still not ready to see VHS tapes of Chris. Maybe someday I will.

[shawnt]

My belief is there is no better, we are who we are, we feel what we feel. I think the desire to feel less pain is normal but I don't think it is something I can will into being for myself. I know my sweet Suzy is not coming back and that will never change and today the sun came up, just like yesterday and tomorrow if I am gone it will still come up.