Glad we are not alone

[PO1LarryLost]

As I search for the meaning of life, I found this site and am so glad I did!   As many as said, no one can relate that I lost the love of my life, my soul mate, my better half.   Larry was everything to me.  We only knew each other for 8 months before we were married, 38 years ago.  A few weeks short of that milestone, he said he was ready to go.   We had talked about the end a lot over the last 4-5 months and especially in the last few weeks while he was in the hospital attempting to come home again.   He chose when it was his time to go, I was with him when he left this world, but I still can't believe he is gone.

The first few weeks I was fine.  I thought the grieving was going to be easy for me.   But then the whirlwind of tasks were almost complete, the calls/texts/cards stopped, my 2 sons went back to their lives and I was left to go on.   So at a month, I can barely get out of bed and I tend to just sit.   The fur babies are the only thing that keeps me interacting with the world.   

Finding this site has been wonderful.  It makes me sad to read about others, but also comforting that others are going through the same things.

[KayC]

We understand and felt the same, it does help.

15 minutes ago, PO1LarryLost said:

The fur babies are the only thing that keeps me interacting with the world.   

Yes, that's why I mention it in my Tips article.  We want to welcome you here! I hope you will continue to come here and read.  You can see it's not entirely grief here, but often the mundane things we'd share with our spouse that we have no one to share with anymore...and this is kind of like a world wide family.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

15 hours ago, PO1LarryLost said:

The fur babies are the only thing that keeps me interacting with the world. 

I can relate.  After my wife, Veronica, went to sleep, I have our three cats to keep me entertained, or is it the other way around?  Two of the cats we brought home on her birthday in November of 2020.  The third cat found us and decided to make his home here.

It is just over five months for me.  All the stuff has calmed down and life has settled into surviving, day to day, getting up and getting dressed.  Trying to keep busy with hobbies and projects not finished, and volunteer work.  And in all that, grief finds me, just like the primer on dealing with it says that KayC has provided.  For me, life without Veronica is not pleasant.  It’s the quiet times in the evening and at night that are really emotional times.  One day at a time.

We’ve got you on this forum.  We know what you are going through.  

[RichS]

We on this board are all sorry for your loss. Yes you’ve come to the right place, and yes we can relate to your grief. Please continue to post here. By the way, as I write this My furry friend is laying down in my lap.

[Janie61]

Just found this forum today. I’m finding myself so lost. It’s been about 6 weeks since my husband Jerry had a heart attack and I never got to say good-bye. He left at 3:30 to help his son finish a deck and at 6:30 he was gone. He never regained a pulse at the hospital. He had 2 children but I did not raise them so not close with them. He raised my kids and my kids have been great but they have their own families and lives. I’m feeling so much anger at his kids for how they went through his stuff and what they took. It was way too soon. I’m angry at his ex-wife because she will also receive his social security. I know it’s stupid and need to forgive. It’s just self pity and I don’t want to feel that. I do have wonderful memories of our 24 years together. 17 1/2 married. Reading everyone’s stories has helped.

[RichS]

Janie:  Welcome to our board. You’ve come to a good place. Lots of caring, sympathetic folks here who can relate to what you’re going through. Please continue to post here.

[KayC]

8 hours ago, Janie61 said:

Just found this forum today. I’m finding myself so lost. It’s been about 6 weeks since my husband Jerry had a heart attack and I never got to say good-bye.

Welcome here, sounds a lot like my story only mine was 18 1/2 years ago.  I am so sorry, I know it's the hardest thing in the world to get through, yet it does evolve in time, hard as it is to believe.  I was in shock the longest time and had grief fog quite a while.  I don't know how I got through those early days/months, I remember it all though.  My heart goes out to you.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[Boggled]

On 12/1/2023 at 10:27 AM, PO1LarryLost said:

So at a month, I can barely get out of bed and I tend to just sit.   The fur babies are the only thing that keeps me interacting with the world.   

Finding this site has been wonderful.  It makes me sad to read about others, but also comforting that others are going through the same things.

Today is 19 months for me.  And although I don't just sit, and get out of bed okay, I'm not doing much.  I do sit quite a lot!   I THINK I'm "processing."  somehow.  The extreme pain is mostly gone, but I have mute reminders all around me, of my husband.  I was looking at a piece of metal pipe under the back deck and remembering ... my husband loved towers, was a ham radio person, had bought that piece of pipe at a huge junk-collecting-person's personal junkyard about 10 miles away (nearby, by standards around here!), and just looking at it, noticing it for a second, brought me to crying for several minutes.  The odd thought, Steve, all this metal stuff you collected, that was YOUR RESPONSIBILITY, that was YOUR thing, what's going to be done with it? ?  that was YOUR decision.  I didn't have to worry about it, just let it be HIS responsibility.   And now he's just not here to decide, and I'll probably leave that piece of excellent stainless-looking pipe there ... maybe forever.   Or maybe not.  

Anyway, this site has been really comforting for me, too.

[RichS]

2 hours ago, Boggled said:

that was YOUR decision.  I didn't have to worry about it, just let it be HIS responsibility.   And now he's just not here to decide, and I'll probably leave that piece of excellent stainless-looking pipe there ... maybe forever.   Or maybe not.  

This morning, while making breakfast, I noticed that we still had Chris' pill dispenser (with pills still in them after 17 months!) sitting on the kitchen counter, in the corner. I looked at it, and still couldn't bring myself to throw it out; so I can understand how you feel.

[Rey Dominguez Jr]

13 hours ago, RichS said:

This morning, while making breakfast, I noticed that we still had Chris' pill dispenser (with pills still in them after 17 months!) sitting on the kitchen counter, in the corner. I looked at it, and still couldn't bring myself to throw it out; so I can understand how you feel.

That’s where I am right now.  Veronica’s pill organizers are still filled with her meds on the night stand next to her side of the bed, her morning pills are still on the lazy-Susan on the dining room table, her electric toothbrush is on the kitchen counter where she would brush her teeth because she had trouble moving around the bathroom.  Most everything is untouched since June 1, 2023, when I drove her to the ER.  Can't bring myself to move anything.  

[KayC]

It can sit there the rest of your life if you want...it's all up to you.

[DWS]

1 hour ago, KayC said:

It can sit there the rest of your life if you want...it's all up to you.

I agree. Those are all parts of the familiar landscapes of our lives. The washcloth on the edge of my bathtub represents Tom's last shower after one of his long outdoor runs. I occasionally have to dust it off but it's a meaningful part of my decor. Perhaps in time, I'll remove it but it stays for now!

[Griefsucks810]

8 hours ago, DWS said:

I agree. Those are all parts of the familiar landscapes of our lives. The washcloth on the edge of my bathtub represents Tom's last shower after one of his long outdoor runs. I occasionally have to dust it off but it's a meaningful part of my decor. Perhaps in time, I'll remove it but it stays for now!

I can’t part with the lil bit of clothes and jackets of my husbands; that’s all I have left of him physically. My mom said I should donate his stuff to Goodwill and that someone in need would be appreciative to have it. Not ready to part with his stuff it will remain in my closet  

[immortalgypsy]

My person passed 15 days ago. I am fortunate to have found this place even though processing all the information is difficult right now. My daughter and our pets are with me but I feel so alone. 

[KayC]

10 hours ago, immortalgypsy said:

processing all the information is difficult right now.

I thank God my daughter was with me when I went through it, it's hard at best, you're undoubtedly going through grief fog, it's weird how the bits and pieces of that time are still in our minds years later.  It was the hardest time of my life, also losing Arlie (my dog) to cancer and losing my closest sister 1 3/4 years ago were really tough.  (((hugs)))  Keep coming here, posting, reading, it may be all a blur but it helps.

[Griefsucks810]

On 12/3/2023 at 8:55 PM, Janie61 said:

Just found this forum today. I’m finding myself so lost. It’s been about 6 weeks since my husband Jerry had a heart attack and I never got to say good-bye. He left at 3:30 to help his son finish a deck and at 6:30 he was gone. He never regained a pulse at the hospital. He had 2 children but I did not raise them so not close with them. He raised my kids and my kids have been great but they have their own families and lives. I’m feeling so much anger at his kids for how they went through his stuff and what they took. It was way too soon. I’m angry at his ex-wife because she will also receive his social security. I know it’s stupid and need to forgive. It’s just self pity and I don’t want to feel that. I do have wonderful memories of our 24 years together. 17 1/2 married. Reading everyone’s stories has helped.

How does his wife collect his social security? Do you know this for sure?  You’re the current wife and widow and you are legally entitled to receive his social security not her. 

[Janie61]

If you were married at least 10 years and divorced and are unmarried at the time of your retirement then you can receive their benefit if it will be more than yours. We both can draw on the same benefit.  Is there any doubt now why social security is running out!
Because I am only 62 my benefit is reduced, the x-wife is older so she is receiving more than I am. Social security office confirmed this. When you apply for SS they ask you about previous marriage. 

[KayC]

On 1/22/2024 at 4:20 AM, Griefsucks810 said:

How does his wife collect his social security? Do you know this for sure?  You’re the current wife and widow and you are legally entitled to receive his social security not her. 

Both can collect if married ten years each, it doesn't take from the other.  Call soc. sec. and ask them.  I was married to my kids' dad 23 years, he's still alive, so nada for me, yet a friend of mine was divorced and her XH died so she is collecting off his benefits for life!