Letter to my baby on his 16th birthday

[SoulShare]

My first child died a few weeks after his birth. I developed severe preeclampsia and my kidneys were failing. They had to deliver him by c-section at 32 weeks. For one week, he did well in the NICU. We got to hold him and give him a bath. We started to believe he would come home and we imagined a life together. Then he developed an infection and the doctors couldn't figure it out. He died two weeks later as we held him in our arms.

Its been almost 16 years now. We have two other children, and we talk about our first son often. They know about their brother. The first four years were brutal and I really fell apart. But I've slowly put the pieces back together, and I learned how to live in this new reality. It surprises me sometimes how the pain will still hurt so hard out of the blue like he just died. On the one hand that sudden pain is scary and I don't want it. On the other hand, the pain reminds me that I desperately love him which is easy to forget when we don't get to spend time together and the day to day life stuff ends up keeping my attention.

Today, I felt a strong need to look at his photos. That only happens like 1 time every 1-2 years, so its not often. I set aside time to look at his photos and write out what I was feeling. I ended up writing him a letter for his 16th birthday. This letter is very personal and reflects our beliefs and values as a family. I understand that many people won't share our beliefs, but I still wanted to share this letter in case it could comfort any one else grieving their child. Also, when I share Basle's story, it makes him feel a little more real. And when I only had a few hours with him and now 16 years when he is a memory, it can start to feel surreal like maybe he is just an idea. It feels important to share our story and put it out in to the world so that he isn't just an idea in my mind.

Nov 30, 2023

 

Dear Basle,

I wish so much that I could hug you and talk to you. Its almost your 16^th birthday. I’m so sorry that you didn’t get to have many experiences here. I’m so sorry that you will never get to get married and make another person with your love. But I think God must let you participate in creation in some other wonderful way.

Like the angels have different kinds of jobs, maybe you have a special job. Maybe you welcome young children in to heaven and show them how to pray for their parents so they can have a strong marriage and help each other through the grief.

I wonder what personality you are. You look like your dad. Your youngest brother looks like your dad and they share some personality traits. But your youngest brother shares a lot with me too. Your other brother thinks you are an INFP. Maybe you are our first Guardian! Maybe you are the same personality type as one of us. Maybe you are an artisan like your youngest brother.

I wonder what stuff you would be interested in. I wonder what stories, facts, and experiences would make your eyes light up when you talk about them. I wonder what moments would make you set aside your teen need for independence so that you could hug me. I wonder what plans you would make for your future. What would you hope your future would bring? I wonder what I would learn about myself through you. I wonder what you would teach me.

How can I feel closer to you now? Is there a way you can teach me things now? Can you show me your heart and what you care about? Can you ask God if that is ok?

Even if I don’t get to know anything else now, I will look forward to spending time with you in Heaven. Your brother said you will tell me everything you’ve been up to, and we will have great conversations then.

I love you so so much. I don’t know what it is like in Heaven. I wonder if your mother is still a special person to you if we didn’t get to have experiences together. I wonder if you long to see me like I long to see you. My heart aches for you. I’ve sorry if I let you down in any way. I will keep trying my best to honor you and keep our family close.

Goodbye my precious baby.

I will talk to you again soon,

Your Mother

 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss...been there, three times.  I eventually got two children.  Your letter is precious.  
I also had preeclampsia/toxemia.