I just can't cope with it...

[NicoleB]

I'm at a point in my life where I'm not sure how to move forward now.

My life has always been full of losses. Pets (cats and dogs), brother (car accident when I was 7), great-grandmother (I was 6), grandparents (22 & 42), my dad (I was 12 and he died of cancer), my baby (miscarriage in week 12), my mom (I was 36), my special kind of cat (seen her born, seen her die, she was almost 11 years old and it happened this year on February 16, 2023).

You would think you eventually figure it out how to cope with it. But you don't. It's never ok, it never stops hurting and it's never going to be the same once a loved one passes away.

Now my husband Jeff is a different story. We met online in 2005, met in 2006, fell madly in love, married and have a daughter together and one angel in heaven. He was American and I'm German. He moved here and I was just about to finish a degree within the next 5 months and then we wanted to leave Germany and move to the USA in 2024. That was our big dream and I don't have any family besides my own left here to not be wanting to move to his home country. We aren't the youngest anymore. I'm 45 and he was 54. Our daughter is 16. We were looking forward to him showing us around in his hometown, our daughter could finally meet her grandparents.

But fate had a different plan...

It took my soulmate, the love of my life, the father of my children, my husband, my everything...snatched him out of our life in a matter of 20 minutes. Suddenly, unexpected and so unreal, I'm not sure if I'm sleeping and have a nightmare or if it actually happened.

The hours go by so slow, I feel numb and the house we live in threatens to squish me. Walls seem to move and get closer. It makes it so hard to breath and not continuously collapse and cry...but I have to be strong for my daughter knowing first hand how it feels to lose a dad before adulthood.

Everything was fine. It was Sunday, the 26th of November (yesterday). My daughter and I have been sick with a cold and we started to feel better. My husband, even though he has a heart condition that's under medical monitoring and has medicine to take for high blood pressure, was fine. He was barely ever sick. Us having a cold or even the flu didn't fathom him. He pulled through without even so much as a runny nose.

But this fateful Sunday was just different. He started to have shortness of breath, different than what you have when you're congested from having a cold. It was a different kind of short-breathing. One I knew too well from my mom. She suffered from end-stage congested heart failure, stage 4 COPD, Diabetes, etc.

I pleaded, I begged, I tried to talk him into getting checked out. I even mentioned my concerns about the cause of his breathing problem. He denied, he didn't want to go, he got angry because I wouldn't stop telling him he needs to see a doctor. For him it was just a cold and he needed some fresh air. We went outside, the fresh air didn't help his breathing and once again I pleaded. He wouldn't budge and I didn't know what to do because I didn't want to force him doing something he so was against it. So we waited some more. He went down for a nap and about an hour later he got up and his breathing didn't improve at all...as a matter of fact, it worsened. Once again, I was telling him that it starts to be concerning. Still, he wouldn't budge.

Then it escalated shortly after this. He started to cough and managed to go to the bathroom, because he had to throw up. He made it to the sink and nothing but pink (think red diluted by water) came out. The cough was a cough I've never heard before. He now really started to have breathing problems and turned grayish/blue within a matter of a couple of minutes. He was distressed and by the time he told me that he might want an ambulance, I was already on the line with them and giving directions and what was going on.

They took about 5 minutes to come...the longest 5 minutes I never knew existed. When the ambulance arrived, they did an oxygen level test and his saturation was only at 50%. My husband managed to get on the stretcher and was loaded into the ambulance. I then went inside to write down the medications he was taking on a daily basis due to his heart condition. This took less than 5 minutes and by the time I went back out there, one guy was on the phone calling for an emergency doctor and that my husband is currently unresponsive.

Then he went back inside the ambulance to the other 2 medical persons that were working on my husband.

The waiting began and you don't need a doctors license or have studied medicine to what it means if the ambulance goes up and down, mimicking CPR movements.

They tried to reanimate him for over 40 minutes. He was gone, he never stabilized, they never got a heart beat back and he wouldn't respond to anything they injected him.

He was just gone, suddenly, no goodbye...he was relieved when he heard and saw the ambulance. He thought he was safe, he thought he was getting help. Now I know he's with my beloved cat I lost in February this year but still...

It hurts, I feel like having a lump in my throat that won't go down, even when I swallow. Eating is torture, sleeping? What is sleep? I haven't slept at all since he is gone. And I don't know how to cope with this, what to do, my daughter is devastated...I don't know how to help her except being there for her, hold her, let her cry and talk to her. We both cry, we both hug, but there's this nagging feeling I have...

If I would've just listened to my gut feeling and kinda semi-forced him to go to the hospital sooner, he may be still here with us...and I can't deal with the knowledge of the what ifs and feelings of guilt...I'm drowning...

[KayC]

Oh Hon, my heart goes out to you!  I am so sorry for your tremendous loss, and it mimics my own 18 1/2 years ago, my husband turned 51 just five days before he died...heart attack with Diabetic complications.  In our case the doctor hadn't referred him to a Cardiologist, hadn't taken his symptoms seriously.  We'd done everything they'd told us regarding the Diabetes but alas their standards from the 60s didn't help...now I'm in charge of a large diabetic group on line...too late for my husband but maybe someone else won't have to suffer as I did.

57 minutes ago, NicoleB said:

If I would've just listened to my gut feeling and kinda semi-forced him to go to the hospital sooner, he may be still here with us...and I can't deal with the knowledge of the what ifs and feelings of guilt

Alas this is what so many of us have felt.  But the truth is, I did try to get my husband to go to a different doctor...they are grown men, in charge of themselves, and often times they don't act on it, I don't know why.  
I do hope these articles will aid you in getting through your guilt feelings...
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Address Guilt When Grieving
and this video is helpful as well:

 

I welcome you here, you have found a good place where we are kind of like a family from all over the world, we care about each other...

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[NicoleB]

Thank you so much for your reply, KayC! I've been reading through your links and watched the video. I hope that one day I'm going to lose the feeling of guilt and stop asking myself "what if" questions.

51 is just to young, KayC. It's devastating to know that you did everything to help him and that ultimately some doctors decision may have caused this outcome. Diabetic is a nasty illness just like heart failure. It's irreversible and too high of a risk that anything can happen at any time, regardless if you do everything the doctors tell you to do. My mom, besides having COPD and also congestive heart failure had also Diabetes Type 2. She lost her legs, she lost her vision, kidney failure and everything you can think and know that can happen with this kind of illness.

Your group may be too late for your husband but he helped you in his way to create this group and watch over you and what you do to others in the same situation. You provided a way for people to come together and talk through everything. This isn't just the work of you, this is the work of both of you, your husband and you. I have no doubt that it's very helpful to other patients and family members who have to cope with Diabetes.

It's 4:46 am German time here, having a hard time sleeping or stay asleep. It's been now 2 days since he passed. Tomorrow I have to face the funeral arrangement talk at the funeral home. I don't know how I'm supposed to go through it. The comfort I have is that I can fulfill his last wish he always had. In case something would happen to him here in Germany, he didn't want to be buried here. He wanted his final resting place back home in the USA. Talking to his parents and the funeral home, he'll be transferred to the USA. My daughter and I will still go through with our plan to move. That's what he would want us to do and we'd be close to him.

It's just all so hard to deal with. Especially when we don't have anyone here in Germany to turn to and talk. I use the nights to let go and grief the way I want to do all day. But for my daughter, I need the days to be strong and be there for her.

Once again, the walls are closing in it seems and I feel so closed up in my throat, my heart is shattered and like all of us here, I feel so overwhelmed, helpless, loss and just don't know if I should move forward, backward, don't move, don't think...everything seems impossible.

I'm so grateful to have found this forum. Writing is therapeutic right now. I can't use music because we had the same taste in music and listening to our songs, I just can't...it devastates us further.

Reading the stories of other members here is a pinch of comfort I'm so desperately looking for right now. It's heartbreaking and nobody should experience loss like that in any shape, way or form.

[KayC]

7 hours ago, NicoleB said:

It's irreversible

Actually, not true.  I've reversed mine, my kidney damage, cirrhosis of the liver, IBS, Asthma/COPD, Fuch's Dystrophy of the Corneas (night blindness), got triglycerides from 276 to 83, HDL from 50s to 96, got off statind, Insulin resistance from 5.1 to 86, my WBC & Calcium had been too high for years (part of Diabetes) and are normalized, breathalyzer gone, ulcers gone, had food allergies for 38 years, now gone!  I lost 75 lbs and kept it off.  All through diet (Keto) and walking which I've done 36 years or so.  The lady that started the group quit and another person and I took it over and enjoy learning and sharing.  Been at this for four years.  I knew going into it that it would be for life, and in a way my Arlie (dog) started me on my journey to health.  When he got his diagnosis of cancer, my blood sugar shot up and months after he died was still high, even maxed out on meds (have been off them since year one) so I knew what I needed to do and did it.  My son had shown me the evidence and another friend had also been talking to me about it, so I had the knowledge inside of me waiting to be tapped.  Trouble is, too many mainstream doctors are taught wrong and don't research it.  I hold my own with them.  They say my LDL is too high, yes, but if you'd test me you'd find out mine are the fluffy, not the dense kind.  They nod their heads but still don't test.  Someday they will.  

I hope you continue here and realize you can pour out your feelings here and no one will roll their eyes or shut you down.  We here get it, it has been 18 1/2 years my husband is gone but I remember all too well how the first few years were, that and losing Arlie were the hardest things I've been through.  With Arlie some people think it brought up old memories, no, I think it was more that I lived alone with him and he was a very special dog...my mourning him wasn't as much stirring up the old feelings of losing George (although it may have done some of that too) but it was a tremendous loss in my life on it's own merit...I missed him and it was so painful to watch him suffer and die.  My husband, omg, it was the hardest thing in the world!  Every time I thought of facing 40 years w/o him...my anxiety went through the roof!  I learned to take one day at a time and if I started getting ahead of myself too much...back to today!  Day 11, I remember putting in the  practice of looking for good in the day.  It started with finding a refrigerator magnet for sale when I came out of my eye appt.

I remember making them for my grief groups, this is the original one:
 

 

 

[KayC]

And that is what is neat about being here, online, no matter what the time differences, we can post and know someone will hear our heart within hours and respond.  You don't know what it do, two days out, I was shell shocked too.  I can't say how long it will feel like that, no one can tell you that, we're all unique, but I promise you it will evolve in time to something more manageable...right now it's enough if you get out of bed, that is a lot to manage in the early time.

And I'm so sorry about your mom.  It claimed my closest sister Peggy too, she didn't want to make the changes, and she died, it could have reversed her dementia but her husband had died and she didn't want to live.  I get it.

[RichS]

On 11/27/2023 at 6:37 AM, NicoleB said:

If I would've just listened to my gut feeling and kinda semi-forced him to go to the hospital sooner, he may be still here with us...and I can't deal with the knowledge of the what ifs and feelings of guilt...I'm drowning...

We on this board are very sorry for your loss. You've come to a good place; filled with lots of caring, sympathetic people who have gone through experiences similar to yours. Because your loss is literally two days ago, it's common to question whether you could have done certain things better. I've gone through that guilt myself. Eventually you will realize that we all try as best as humanly possible to care for our ailing partners. Please continue to post on our board. We can listen and provide advice when we can.