I don't know how I'll ever be okay again

[aprilgriff]

On Thanksgiving my boyfriend told me he was going to call me when he got home. He never called. I called the hospital and police department and was told no one had come in. I didn't know his family to call anyone to check on him and thought maybe his truck had not started and he had just went to sleep there. The next morning I got a call that they had found his truck and he had passed away. 

I genuinely do not know how I'm going to get through this. Everything hurts all the time and I just want to be with him. I have 3 small kids that he adored and I know I need to be there for them but I am struggling a lot. I have read that suicidal thoughts are a normal part of grief but I am really struggling. I've never lost anyone before. I am beating myself up for not finding someone to go find him. I keep thinking about the what-ifs. Maybe he would still be here if I had. 

We were just talking about getting married and what ring I wanted and now he's just gone. I feel like my whole future has been ripped away from me and I don't know what to do with myself. It took me so long to find him and now he's gone. He was everything id been looking for in a person for so long. Its so unfair thatI I only got such a short time with him. I don't know what I hope to gain from this I just needed to voice it. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry, I know it's the hardest thing in the world.  Please don't beat yourself up, he was passed when they found him and likely passed when he had an accident.  They should do toxicology reports to explain how he died, but it may take a few months.

I hope you'll continue coming here to read and post.  It helps to get it out and know there are others here that get it.  (((hugs)))
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[DWS]

My deepest condolences for you on this tremendous and unexpected loss. With it just happening days ago, you are most likely in shock. I am hoping that you have family and friends that are there for you right now to help you and hear you. They may want you to be "strong" for your three children and you may feel that pressure on yourself as well but be gentle with yourself. The short time that you had with your boyfriend sounds like it was a deeply, intense connection of two hearts that found each other and that is something that all of us here want you to know is most meaningful. If you are able to, you may want to reach out to his family for they will be in emotional pain and despair too. They may hold a key to some comfort for you. Share your pain with us here too when you need to. 

Warmest hugs

Don

[Boggled]

KayC's first point about "take one day at a time," is true.  One BREATH at a time.   Your post made me cry.   At the beginning, you're dealing with TRAUMA.  

14 hours ago, aprilgriff said:

I don't know what I hope to gain from this I just needed to voice it. 

Voicing it seems to help ... a little.  Like DWS said, his family ... may have been notified by the police, (?) since you don't know how to contact them.  Do you know where home was, for him?  Possibly go there and find someone from his family??  ... leave a note on the door?

[aprilgriff]

His family notified me of his passing and have been extremely supportive during this. They are really all I have now. They invited me out to meet everyone and be with them and it was nice being surrounded by people who understand this tremendous loss. I am incredibly greatful for their support. My family seems to think I'm overreacting.

[KayC]

1 minute ago, aprilgriff said:

My family seems to think I'm overreacting.

They can't understand what they haven't experienced.  I'm so sorry.  My family didn't have a clue either (still don't) but thank God they never accused me of overreacting...for THEIR sake!

[DWS]

20 minutes ago, aprilgriff said:

His family notified me of his passing and have been extremely supportive during this. They are really all I have now. They invited me out to meet everyone and be with them and it was nice being surrounded by people who understand this tremendous loss. I am incredibly greatful for their support.

I'm so glad that you've met them and that they're being supportive. You may not know it now but they need you as much as you need them. You hold his heart and are the important one who knows all of his recent thoughts and dreams and whims. I'm sorry that your family doesn't have that kind of understanding but you may be surprised in the weeks to come by someone within your orbit who reaches out to you because they know your pain.  

[RichS]

On 11/26/2023 at 7:01 PM, aprilgriff said:

He was everything id been looking for in a person for so long. Its so unfair thatI I only got such a short time with him. I don't know what I hope to gain from this I just needed to voice it. 

All of us on this board are very sorry for your loss. I was just on another thread. Someone there lost their partner two days ago. They also felt they should have done more. I'll tell you what I said to them: in your early stages of grief, it's common to question yourself as to whether you could have done this or that better. Eventually, you will realize that you did as best as humanly possible. Please continue to post your feelings here. We're here to listen and to offer advice when we can.

[KayC]

Haven't heard from you in a while, I hope you're checking back and reading, it helps to post too to get it out and let us know how you are...

[foreverhis]

On 11/26/2023 at 4:01 PM, aprilgriff said:

I don't know what I hope to gain from this I just needed to voice it. 

Welcome.  I'm so very sorry you have a reason to be here with us.  You've found a good place to be with people who understand what it's like, who will not tell you what you should or should not do, and who will listen.  Honestly, for me writing and posting, voicing everything, helps.  I hope you will come to feel that way too.  What you can gain from voicing it is to know that you are not alone and that your grief is heard and that it matters.  Please keep coming here to read, talk, rant, and anything else that helps.