33 yr old Son gone to fentinal

[DianeJ]

How do you breathe? How do you ever feel like you’re ever going to be happy again? I will never be happy again. I will never be able to smile truly again. The world I once knew is shattered. My beautiful son struggled with depression, which led to alcohol and drug abuse, he was given a lethal dose of heroine and fentanyl and the person who gave it to him has never been charged. They stood there and watched him die then ran away.

My son is in heaven, and is no longer struggling in this life which gives me some comfort. But what I’m finding now is the isolation and loneliness is overwhelming. No one will talk to me. It’s as if I have a disease everyone’s afraid of catching . They look at me and turn their heads and walk away. Even my very large family. No one knows what to say to me, no one calls, and no one knows that it’s OK to talk about him. It’s hard to see people laugh and move on. I know that’s the way it should be. It’s just hard because I can’t, and it makes me feel like they forgot about him so easily. 

The loneliness is what’s the hardest thing to deal with right now. I did do a small counseling session, but it did not help. 
I guess I’m searching for somebody who’s in the same boat as I am. I only have God to talk to.

[KayC]

I'd give it three tries before switching to someone else unless they're intolerable.  Yes, people's response is disappointing at best.  We're not well versed in our culture about grief.  All of our friends ditched me when I lost my husband, my two BFFs even before his funeral, which was in two weeks.  I learned it's okay to let them go and find new friends.  You might do better with a Grief Support Group.  I used to lead one before the pandemic, some are better than others and only as good as the leader.  

And keep talking to God, He's listening.  I felt He deserted me the first year as it felt my prayers bounced off heaven, my faith kept me going though and at the end of a year I realized He had carried me...I hadn't realized it through my grief fog.

[DianeJ]

Thank you for your support and kind words.

I had only a few close friends and even they do not call or talk to me any longer. I realize that I need to be around different people now (so to speak).

I’m wondering if it’s me, but when I do talk to somebody I don’t carry on and cry and mention it to the point where they are uncomfortable and don’t know what to say. It’s not like that at all. But it’s hard for ME to reach out and maybe that’s the problem. I didn’t realize I have to be the one reaching out for a hug or warm words. It feels like no one cares.

You have to have faith. You have to believe your child is in a better place. Otherwise, you will go mad. And it seems like that is what we are all on the brink of, keeping ourselves from going mad from the loss. All I have left is my faith. 

[KayC]

I know, same with me except my service dog helps immensely.  Sometimes we need some interaction and he's the most wonderful.

[Roger2112]

Hi Diane, my daughter passed at 33 from fentanyl which is not something I'd ever want to have in common with anyone.  What really resonates with me is what you said about people not wanting to talk or knowing what to say. For me, at least part of me finds that as a good thing because when people try to say something helpful it usually isn't. "How are you doing?" or "How are you feeling?" or "Sorry for your loss" are all phrases that do not help at all. There seems to be human nature in people to want to avoid disturbing subjects, and whether people say it or not, they really just want us to "Get over it and move on" if nothing else but for their sake so they don't have to be confronted with it. I'm 2 years into this and I can say there is no such sight as "Getting over it". And really, people who haven't gone through this don't know what they are talking about. Sure, everyone has lost someone in their lives. I've lost both parents and 2 siblings just in my immediate family, which was all terrible, but nothing prepares you for a child. Nothing! For me working through the stages of grief hits a wall at acceptance. Just can't accept something that so fundamentally defies the natural order of all things, or what turned out to be my perception of it. There's a term Functioning alcoholic, well I have a new term, functioning bereavement. Early on I tried a few groups but was discouraged because it seemed too many people were at a point that they could not function. So, my first step was to function in daily life. In addition, I've put much more effort into those relationships around me that are worth the effort. Certainly includes my other adult children, but my daughter has left behind a young son who needs all the support he can get too. All of these things get me through each day and help to define purpose, but every day I also cannot get over how enormous and heavy the weight of the sorrow and sadness is. As soon as I start thinking maybe things are improving, I experience some kind of trigger that jolts me right back. I don't have a wonderful and beautiful answer for you, but I think I might relate somewhat how you feel. 

[Blakesmom24]

I just lost my 24 year old son to an overdose.  His service was 11-17 and I'm surprised that not many people have contacted me since.  Maybe they don't know what to say.  Maybe their lives have just continued on.  Maybe they think I'm stronger than I am.  I'm just existing.  Mornings are the hardest when I wake up and realize this isn't just a terrible nightmare.  Then the anxiety of worrying about losing my other son (what if he's in a car accident, what if......).  Life shouldn't be this hard.  I lost my dad when he was 42 (Search and Rescue found him) and now to lose my son at 24.  This just can't be real

[Soverylost]

Hello Diane and anyone else who needs to talk. I completely understand. I feel like I have the plague. I just cannot understand people. I lost my daughter 3/23 to a rare cancer.   It's like I moved away and/or changed my number.  I don't need anything, but a kind word. Even just someone to say, I am thinking of you. I am not going to lose it on them. It would just be nice not to feel so all alone.  I know each of our circumstances are different in many ways, the one thing we have in common is we are all fractured. I am here should someone want to talk.  Keep your chin up. Do NOT hang your head in shame. You have done nothing wrong, just suffered the most horrific loss of the child you love.

[Jalexandermom]

My 29 year son, passed away from drugs laced with fentanyl this weekend.  I have a large network of people who have reached out - both in his circle of friends and our community.  Regardless, I am struggling emotionally on a rollercoaster.   The sadness makes it difficult for me to breathe.   Dont know how to move on from the grief. 

[Blakesmom24]

I feel your pain.  We're going on 13 weeks now.  It's still unreal to believe he's gone.  Unreal.  I'm still looking for support groups or someone to communicate with who's going through the same thing.  My name is Tracy Thoms and I'm on Facebook.  My email is patrawhb@aol.com.  Blake would be 25 on February 4.

[Ruthie02]

On 12/6/2023 at 12:56 AM, Blakesmom24 said:

his just can't be real

i'm so sorry. i'm so very sorry.

[Soverylost]

On 1/26/2024 at 7:51 PM, Jalexandermom said:

My 29 year son, passed away from drugs laced with fentanyl this weekend.  I have a large network of people who have reached out - both in his circle of friends and our community.  Regardless, I am struggling emotionally on a rollercoaster.   The sadness makes it difficult for me to breathe.   Dont know how to move on from the grief. 

Oh my goodness, you have my love and prayers. I know there are no words I can offer to ease your pain and suffering. I know the feeling. It is just too much to even comprehend. I know you just keep saying why to yourself. All kinds of things contantly running through your mind. It will be overwhelming. But you are NOT alone. I will be thinking of you. Should you want to reach out again. Please do. Also my email is weheadsouth@outlook.com.  Blessings, Laureen

[Soverylost]

17 hours ago, Blakesmom24 said:

I feel your pain.  We're going on 13 weeks now.  It's still unreal to believe he's gone.  Unreal.  I'm still looking for support groups or someone to communicate with who's going through the same thing.  My name is Tracy Thoms and I'm on Facebook.  My email is patrawhb@aol.com.  Blake would be 25 on February 4.

Hello Tracy,  I am SO very sorry for your loss. I lost my daughter in March and the pain is horrific. It hasn't gotten easier, I honestly think it is getting worse. I have no support, it is over whelming at times. My son was just diagnosed with PTSD over his sister's passing. They were so close, it is so hard for him. My husband literally lost his mind. He had an episode of TGA I had never heard of it. (  transient global amnesia = he had 24 hours of total amnesia. Total. ) Scary stuff.  So now he is afraid to be alone. He is not in a good place. So for me the struggle is so very real. I cannot believe she is gone. I dont want her to be. I need her here. I am here should you want to chat. weheadsouth@outlook.com is my email. I would be happy to help if it is possible that I can. Blessings, Laureen

[DianeJ]

I think this is how I can reply to everyone’s post that I’ve seen since I’ve started mine.

Each story has broke my heart every time I looked at it and reread it at least 10 times. It’s been even too difficult to reply, but not difficult at all to pray for you. I wish none of you knew how I feel. And I’m truly sorry you do. My heart breaks for you.

It’s been a year and a half since I lost my son, and I  can say the days are becoming a little easier to face. But I am still quite depressed, sad and overall not willing to be a participant in life around me. And I’ve lost my identity. That is what is so hard now. How am I supposed to be? How am I suppose to act? How does one go on and dream and hope again? I can’t imagine I’ll ever be happy again as I see it now, and I have to get use to that person I guess. It’s lonely and sad.

Praying for strength for each of you.

[intothemystic]

On 10/29/23 ,My son died too of an fentanyl drug overdose at only 33 years old.  I had no idea he was even using drugs.  I'm trying to come to terms with all of this... How did I not see the signs?  Is this why he would of avoid me at certain times?  No calls?  Rude visits towards the end.  I'm not sure I will every find peace or understanding.  Losing a child is the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. 

I'm sorry for everyone loss.....   

[Blakesmom24]

12 minutes ago, intothemystic said:

On 10/29/23 ,My son died too of an fentanyl drug overdose at only 33 years old.  I had no idea he was even using drugs.  I'm trying to come to terms with all of this... How did I not see the signs?  Is this why he would of avoid me at certain times?  No calls?  Rude visits towards the end.  I'm not sure I will every find peace or understanding.  Losing a child is the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. 

I'm sorry for everyone loss.....   

I lost my son on 10/29/2023 as well.

[intothemystic]

I'm so sorry!  

[Blakesmom24]

4 minutes ago, Blakesmom24 said:

I lost my son on 10/29/2023 as well.

 

18 minutes ago, intothemystic said:

On 10/29/23 ,My son died too of an fentanyl drug overdose at only 33 years old.  I had no idea he was even using drugs.  I'm trying to come to terms with all of this... How did I not see the signs?  Is this why he would of avoid me at certain times?  No calls?  Rude visits towards the end.  I'm not sure I will every find peace or understanding.  Losing a child is the worst thing I have ever experienced in my life. 

I'm sorry for everyone loss.....   

My son would avoid me at times too.  Then suddenly send 20 texts in a row.  And yes, it is THE worst thing I've ever experienced in my life as well.

[intothemystic]

Just now, Blakesmom24 said:

 

My son would avoid me at times too.  Then suddenly send 20 texts in a row.  And yes, it is THE worst thing I've ever experienced in my life as well.

My son would do the same.  It's so confusing to me and I'm angry I will never get the answers I'm looking for.  I have started therapy and hope she can teach me how to cope and not be angry.  It's all sorts of mixed emotions. 

[Blakesmom24]

4 minutes ago, intothemystic said:

My son would do the same.  It's so confusing to me and I'm angry I will never get the answers I'm looking for.  I have started therapy and hope she can teach me how to cope and not be angry.  It's all sorts of mixed emotions. 

I'm so confused as well and don't know if he knew he was getting fentanyl, or if whatever he took had it in it.  We still don't have the toxicology report back.  I looked at his phone records and I sent the drug dealers pictures from his service and burial and told them they killed my son!  That's good you started therapy.  I've talked to a few people, but not official therapy yet.  The mixed emotions are such a roller coaster.

[intothemystic]

7 minutes ago, Blakesmom24 said:

I'm so confused as well and don't know if he knew he was getting fentanyl, or if whatever he took had it in it.  We still don't have the toxicology report back.  I looked at his phone records and I sent the drug dealers pictures from his service and burial and told them they killed my son!  That's good you started therapy.  I've talked to a few people, but not official therapy yet.  The mixed emotions are such a roller coaster.

I found out that my son was buying pills off the darkweb.  Still pending toxicology as well; however, they did a quick screen and tested positive for carfentanil.  They explained that type is what they use to tranquilize elephants.  Once ingested you die within seconds.  I want to take the website down so bad, but I now they will just start another one and another.  They do not care about the harm they cause families or the ones they kill. 

[Blakesmom24]

8 minutes ago, intothemystic said:

I found out that my son was buying pills off the darkweb.  Still pending toxicology as well; however, they did a quick screen and tested positive for carfentanil.  They explained that type is what they use to tranquilize elephants.  Once ingested you die within seconds.  I want to take the website down so bad, but I now they will just start another one and another.  They do not care about the harm they cause families or the ones they kill. 

I've heard of that and how incredibly dangerous it is.  My son didn't die immediately and could have been revived with Narcan, but by the time it was administered it was too late.  His dad blames himself for not having it on hand, but I told him if it hadn't been that night it would have happened eventually.  Paramedics tried to revive him and he was transported to the nearest hospital where they pronounced him.  Our lives have changed drastically since October 29.  We took his phone and powder we found to the police department and they said they're so overwhelmed by all of this that there isn't anything they can do at this point.  It's unreal how easy it is to get and that they deliver it to you or even mail it.

[intothemystic]

10 minutes ago, Blakesmom24 said:

I've heard of that and how incredibly dangerous it is.  My son didn't die immediately and could have been revived with Narcan, but by the time it was administered it was too late.  His dad blames himself for not having it on hand, but I told him if it hadn't been that night it would have happened eventually.  Paramedics tried to revive him and he was transported to the nearest hospital where they pronounced him.  Our lives have changed drastically since October 29.  We took his phone and powder we found to the police department and they said they're so overwhelmed by all of this that there isn't anything they can do at this point.  It's unreal how easy it is to get and that they deliver it to you or even mail it.

It's mind blowing to me!  My son was found six hours later by his baby Mamma.  It's heartbreaking!  Makes me ANGRY how drugs ruin everything!!!

[Roger2112]

52 minutes ago, intothemystic said:

My son would do the same.  It's so confusing to me and I'm angry I will never get the answers I'm looking for.  I have started therapy and hope she can teach me how to cope and not be angry.  It's all sorts of mixed emotions. 

If you do manage to figure out how to cope and not be angry please share with the group! I am not angry at my daughter, I am  angry at the fact that there are powers in this world who are poisoning our children via chemical warfare and the governments do nothing but enable it. There are good people in law enforcement, border patrol, and military but their hands are tied from the highest levels. As for coping, it's a day by day struggle. Some days are better than others. But there are triggers that can set me back to the beginning and I feel like any progress has been erased. Most people just don't get how that can be a thing and they are lucky that they don't get it because it means they haven't lost a child. 

[intothemystic]

1 hour ago, Roger2112 said:

If you do manage to figure out how to cope and not be angry please share with the group! I am not angry at my daughter, I am  angry at the fact that there are powers in this world who are poisoning our children via chemical warfare and the governments do nothing but enable it. There are good people in law enforcement, border patrol, and military but their hands are tied from the highest levels. As for coping, it's a day by day struggle. Some days are better than others. But there are triggers that can set me back to the beginning and I feel like any progress has been erased. Most people just don't get how that can be a thing and they are lucky that they don't get it because it means they haven't lost a child. 

Thank you! That really makes sense to me! Yesterday was just three months, so I have a lot to process!!!! 

[Addict2Angel]

Hello Diane, My name is Christine

YOUR NOT ALONE.. another sleepless night crying I found your post on google and felt compelled to sign up for this forum to respond to your post because I wanted you to know, YOUR NOT ALONE, I FELL EXACTLY the same as YOU.. On May 6, 2024 my son Anthony age 32 passed away from an overdose (fentenayl, cocaine, methadone) and 9 mth before he died, I lost my husband to this disease also..   and I"M TOTALLY lost and stuck in a deep dark place of depression and grief that I just can not shake. For months I have been in my bed getting up oNLY to usse the bathroom and go to the kitchen for food/drink. And I don't leave house unless I'm have to leave or to go food shopping. I have gone a week w/out a shower, wearing the same smelly  pajamas. I've had to FORCE myself to get up to shower and change into clean pj's. I talked to a grief therapist like 2times virtually/over the phone and it did NOTHING.. well it did do one thing. and this she validated my feelings at the time, I shared w/her i felt as if a part of me died w/my son, and therapist, agreed w/me and said, "it did, that Anthony was made by a part of me that half of his dna make up was from is, it is from me, therefore, a part of ME really DID die when he died.. Wow.. those were the most powerful words anyone has said to me since or about his death.. and I needed to hear that I needed those feelings to be validated bc NOBODY knows how we are feeling and/or what we are going through UNLESS, they have lost a child of their own...I also am looking for someone who has gone through the same thing, someone who has lost a child, lost a child to an overdose, so please IF you are still wanting someone to talk to, and /or if your willng to talk to someone who needs your support, help and understanding plz reach back out to me..

Christine

 

[widower2]

I'm so sorry for your loss, and anyone who has had such a loss. I can't imagine. 

[DianeJ]

Hi Christine,

It has taken me some time to be able to reply, because I know that they’re only words and I just fall to pieces. But I want you to know how deep I ache for you. That’s the hardest part for many of us. We ache for the others who ache like we do. I’m beyond sorry for all you have endured.

It will soon be two years since I lost my son, and each day life is getting just a bit easier to face. I have found that my biggest struggle, other than desperately missing my son, is that I feel as if I lost my identity. When he died, I died. And I do not know who or what I am anymore. You do become a different person. I spend less time staring out the window now, but am lost in life. Nothing interests me, it’s impossible to concentrate, and I hate everything. I have no hope. 
But then I look at my younger son, who needs me and is struggling himself, and some purpose sinks in for a bit, and I try not to hate my life.

It’s hard. It’s hard to answer simple questions people ask…”how old are your boys…what do they do….where do they live…” I stumble and hesitate to answer now. I don’t want to lightly say he passed away and watch the color drain from their faces, their day now in shambles.

I too had many days where I didn’t even get out of bed. I just stayed there petting my cat and staring and crying and I let myself do it. This part of the grieving process I guess we have to go through to be able to eventually get up, shower and care a little, just enough to go buy that dang cat food! Chores help. 
I am very lucky that I am a caregiver for an elderly lady. She is 97 and the most spiritually, wonderful wonderful, kind human being I’ve ever met in my life. She brings me warmth, comfort and makes me feel very close to God. I don’t think she realizes how much I need her right now. I’ve tried going to church, but all I do is sit there and cry and I don’t want the attention. It’s too soon still .

My sister lost her daughter 12 years ago. It was very difficult on our family. The one thing she told me when I lost my son was that I am now changed. I will never be the person I was before. It’s starting all over with a new identity.

 
My thoughts are with you, Christine. My heart is with you and is breaking for you. I will say many prayers for you. Keep praying for strength from God to get us through another day. Just one more day.

Diane

[Shellj]

I am completely ruined. I lost my 32 year old son last month to what was supposed to cocaine but was laced with fentanyl. He was with his cousin who thought it would be fun to do some coke. His cousin survived. My son was my best friend. He was so funny, intelligent, an extremely talented musician, he was everything, an entire universe and now everything he is has just disappeared. It doesn’t seem possible. I wake up every morning and cry because I just can’t do this. I don’t know how anyone can expect me to get up and somehow get through the day. It’s sinking in now that this is my life, this unbearable pain is now my constant companion. I honestly don’t know how anyone can endure this and yet I’m still breathing. I cry and scream until I can’t anymore, then I feel dead inside for awhile. Then it starts creeping in again that he is gone and it starts all over. I don’t see this getting any more bearable. How in Gods name do we keep moving forward? His service in this weekend and I have no idea how I’m going to get through it. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your tremendous loss.  I hope the service will be good as it was for me when my husband and soulmate died nearly 19 years ago.  I can't imagine losing my son.  One day at a time, this is a journey with a beginning but not an ending but it does evolve with time.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 Nothing may seem possible today but in the morrow it may...

[DianeJ]

9 minutes ago, Shellj said:

I am completely ruined. I lost my 32 year old son last month to what was supposed to cocaine but was laced with fentanyl. He was with his cousin who thought it would be fun to do some coke. His cousin survived. My son was my best friend. He was so funny, intelligent, an extremely talented musician, he was everything, an entire universe and now everything he is has just disappeared. It doesn’t seem possible. I wake up every morning and cry because I just can’t do this. I don’t know how anyone can expect me to get up and somehow get through the day. It’s sinking in now that this is my life, this unbearable pain is now my constant companion. I honestly don’t know how anyone can endure this and yet I’m still breathing. I cry and scream until I can’t anymore, then I feel dead inside for awhile. Then it starts creeping in again that he is gone and it starts all over. I don’t see this getting any more bearable. How in Gods name do we keep moving forward? His service in this weekend and I have no idea how I’m going to get through it. 

Dear Shellj,

I am so sorry. I’m so sorry you have to bear this grief and heartbreak. There are no words, just tears. Our babies are gone and it makes no sense and we just don’t care about anything except having them back! My tears are flowing for you today, they truly are, and I will be praying all day for you, begging God to give you the strength to get through today. Do lean on others there to support and console you if you’re lucky enough to have them. I wish nothing more right now that I could be with you today and I don’t even know you, but I know you.

Every day I wake up and pray to God, please give me the strength to get through this day. In the beginning, I found that’s what I asked for the most, strength to get me through the day.
 

I will be with you all day today and each day onward, please know that. I will be with you in my heart.

Diane

 

[Shellj]

34 minutes ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry for your tremendous loss.  I hope the service will be good as it was for me when my husband and soulmate died nearly 19 years ago.  I can't imagine losing my son.  One day at a time, this is a journey with a beginning but not an ending but it does evolve with time.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 Nothing may seem possible today but in the morrow it may...

Thank you so much for your kind words and  helpful advice. I am desperate for anything that will help me get through this and truly appreciate it. 

[Shellj]

10 minutes ago, DianeJ said:

Dear Shellj,

I am so sorry. I’m so sorry you have to bear this grief and heartbreak. There are no words, just tears. Our babies are gone and it makes no sense and we just don’t care about anything except having them back! My tears are flowing for you today, they truly are, and I will be praying all day for you, begging God to give you the strength to get through today. Do lean on others there to support and console you if you’re lucky enough to have them. I wish nothing more right now that I could be with you today and I don’t even know you, but I know you.

Every day I wake up and pray to God, please give me the strength to get through this day. In the beginning, I found that’s what I asked for the most, strength to get me through the day.
 

I will be with you all day today and each day onward, please know that. I will be with you in my heart.

Diane

 

Thank you Diane for responding as I don’t personally know anyone that has lost a child. I appreciate your prayers and your understanding. 

[KayC]

Just remember...try to stay in today, yesterday invites guilt (not earned but feelings are just feelings to be gotten through and it takes us a time to realize feelings are not facts) and tomorrow invites anxiety, so tell yourself you can get through today and do it.  Then tomorrow we get up and do it all over again.  You'll be in my prayers as you do his service.  We had an open mic session and it helped me to hear people saying good things about him, all except my mom who was nuts, very mentally ill, the pastor had to get the mic away from her.    I guess we all have one.