What can I expect from my husband?

[Heidi123]

Hi all,

I’m posting because I don’t know how to bring this up with friends or family. I’m sorry it’s a long story. Do I need to give my husband more space or can I expect more consideration from him?
 

My father has had a long term illness, and has now finally heard he has about 2 months left to live. My husband and I live on the other side of the world from my family. I feel my husband is not supporting me well at this time, and I’m not sure if I’m expecting and requiring too much of him. I feel I’m so concerned about this I don’t have time to really start thinking about my father and family.

Since the news my husband has been easily annoyed, extremely disappointed at the shadow this throws over our travel and holiday plans. After hearing he hasn’t brought up the subject for nearly a week as we are across the country for a city trip. In stead of going skiing with his parents, we will have to cancel and fly to my family even further away, to be at my parents’ home to see my father while he is still alive. We looked into flights, which is expensive, and he said he’s not sure about going considering the cost. I emotionally told him I can’t imagine another option, because that would mean he would not come with me. He just looked up flights and booked both our tickets. Before booking he did tell me I just assumed we both should go, but he doesn’t think that way, but he can see I am not willing to discuss that so he’ll just book it and leave it. He didn’t talk to me the whole evening. 
 

1. He seems very worried about the cost, which I im not, because the tickets cost the same as one month savings for us. 

2. He seems  to not deal well with the uncertainty, life expectancy is 2 months, but we can’t know if it’ll be 1 or 3 months. its impossible to plan for

3. he is concerned about work, flying twice to the literal other side of the world if needed will be hard to plan 

4. he doesn’t like the idea of me sticking at my parents place too long waiting for death and us being apart so long

5. I feel he’s lacked kindness, not asking me how I’m feeling. Not mentioning he’d be by my side at this time, and making all logistic matters such a painful discussion

i honestly feel I’ve been having to treat him with kid gloves. 

some context: To get married,  I immigrated to the US, and one year ago we even moved multiple time zones further because he got a great job on the other side of the world. I agreed to go because at the time we had no other options that would give him such a fantastic chance (and our family financial stability). We were aware of my father’s health when we moved. My explicit condition was that no matter the cost and the distance, we could never use that as an excuse not to go.

Thank you for patiently reading this.
 

[KayC]

I'm afraid my feelings would be the same as yours, so I'm not much help.  Normally I'd say to get counseling so you two can get on board with each other, but I'm afraid death waits for no one and there isn't time now...later will be harder as you'll have even more resentment to deal with then.  You can't do anything about your husband and his responses or lack of them, right now you need to be there for your folks.

[widower2]

  

On 11/21/2023 at 1:33 AM, Heidi123 said:

My father has had a long term illness, and has now finally heard he has about 2 months left to live. My husband and I live on the other side of the world from my family. I feel my husband is not supporting me well at this time, and I’m not sure if I’m expecting and requiring too much of him.

? Because? Expecting him to let you be with your father in his last days is expecting too much because it will cost some money? Seriously? 

Frankly, it sounds like he's making all of the money and so he thinks everything should be done his way and frankly he cares little about anything except his precious money. I apologize if that sounds harsh, but based on what you say, that's what it sounds like to me. I apologize for any offense and I hope I'm wrong. But perhaps you need to stop "treating him with kid gloves" and be more assertive. 

[Heidi123]

Thanks for answering and helping process all the feelings.
Since posting he slowly improved and assumed his usually supporting mode. He’s come around on all of the above. I can see that is the result of time and talking about the practicalities with helpful friends and colleagues.

I think all of the stress of the situation got to him very strongly and his reaction is to grasp at anything to explain his extreme discomfort (for instance blaming money rather than grief and helplessness), temporarily forgetting his primary purpose to support his wife. 
 

As the worst stress and sadness is still to come, ill talk to him about his reaction early on and make sure to leave my kid gloves at home.
 

[ImMomma]

Your husband sounds in many ways, like mine.  I try to describe him and I seem to make him sound unfeeling and selfish.  What I have learned is that we are just different.  His upbringing has a totally different viewpoint. 

 

We discused money too.  I had to be with my mom and we did not have the money to keep flying there and back.   I felt that it should have been a "no brainer" that he would go with me. I needed him.   He felt he would be in the way and make everyone uncomfortable.    He could be with me from afar.

We all take our own time when we find ourselves going down someone else's path.    They have a feeling for what is ahead, but its totally strange to us.  

 

Talking about our ideas of what is ahead and asking the other person what they are thinking about and how they are feeling about different things is easy (to me) but really hearing what they day can be difficult and hurtful.   Especially when we are listening through a fog of fear, grief, panic, and an acute sense of time passing.

There may be some logistics where you both need to compromise.  He needs to know that your dad is your priority NOW;  but that you still are considerate of your husbands feelings, including about finances, and how this is all affecting him.  

Many airlines did & may still, have special pricing for travel due to crisis.  You may need to provide proof, but it could be an option.   

 

My husband did not go with me when I traveled.   I had to remind myself a couple times that his absence did not mean he didn’t love me or care, but that he was taking care of the practicle things for both of us.  Something I was not emotionally capable of at the time.  

Look into discount flights.  Discuss whats most important to you.  Going to see your dad now, and saying your goodbyes now can seem almost cruel, when you know your knee-jerk reaction will be to rush back when you know its time.   But that may be the best option.  For some, it is more fitting to beliefs and family dynamics to wait until you know the end is near and risk not getting back in time.   Neither option is right or wrong - individual preference, our personal relationships,  culture & family/community social structure each play a part in how we handle & process our grief and what 'regrets' we each may focus on in the days and weeks following the loss.  

 

My husband and I are totally different.   I was hurt he didn't want to drive me to the airport when I went to see my mom - he assumed I would take a cab.   He had no idea I assumed he would see me off at the airport!   Imagine  my surprise when he offered to call me a cab so it would be ready when I was.   

Talk together, but when he is tired of talking - or you are, change the subject, but be clear about your timing and priorities.  Be honest. Tell him you are scared and hurting because you love both your dad & him so much, even when you argue.  

Remember to take deep breaths.  That really does help. 

 

I am heartily sorry for what you are going through right now.