Grief Anger Guilt and Relief

[Lowell]

It has been a little over a year since my husband committed suicide by a gunshot wound to the head, it was at our home and I found him.  At first I only felt profound shock and sorrow, but as the weeks passed other emotions emerged.  I felt anger and revulsion.  I felt shame at being married to someone who would be so selfish and weak.  How could he do this to his family?  I also have experienced anger toward myself for making the choice of marrying him in the first place.  Some days I feel only a deep sense of sorrow and empathy for what I understand was profound suffering on his behalf for decades, probably the majority of his adult life.  Other days I experience viewing him as performing the ultimate gutless and selfish act.  Then I feel like a terrible person.  As well, after dealing with his mental illness, drinking, and very difficult and traumatizing behavior for over twenty years, I feel relief that I no longer have to live with that never ending stress and dread over what he would say or do next.  Not many people were interested in putting up with his behavior so it was very isolating.  At the same time I mourn for the person that I was before it happened, as she is gone and there is a stranger in her place I barely know now.  It takes so much energy to build a whole new life.  

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, you're in good company here.  
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[KayC]

4 hours ago, Lowell said:

 I felt shame at being married to someone who would be so selfish and weak.  How could he do this to his family?

There is no shame, only pain...they aren't thinking of anyone, they are only trying to escape the pain.  I'm sure if they could see the aftermath and anguish they've caused, they'd be the first to push an undo button, if only they could.

Grief and the Burden of Guilt
Guilt and Regret in Grief
Address Guilt When Grieving

 

 

[RichS]

We on this board all express our sympathies for your loss. The fact that you've dealt with this for 20 years is a testament to your commitment to your marriage. Please continue to post on this board. There are lots of caring, sympathetic people here who are all on their own grief journey. I'm one of many here.

[Roxeanne]

Lowell all your feelings is normal...even relief! I can imagine what was live with your husband and all his problems....you were so brave to support him for so many years!

You are not guilty for his end. Unfortunately there is no way to save them, unless they save themselves...they struggle with their own demons and only want to run away from their pain.

I know that words are not enough, i had the same feelings for a lot of time...there is no way to overcome them, the only way in my experience is getting trough!

Hope you can find help and some comfort here and your friends and family.