Loss of a child

[RobertBrown]

On November 7 2022, i lost my 25 year old daughter, Ashley to Fentanyl overdose. I am still having trouble grieving and looking for support 

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine losing a child, my friend is going through that nine, her 29 year old son only the toxicology report isn't back yet.  
Prayers...

[RobertBrown]

Thank you for sharing with me. I had to go through the process of identifying her body, no parent should have to outlive there children. Since the 1 year anniversary just passed, it sparked up feelings i couldn't get a handle on, Needless to say, i resorted to alcohol and i know that wasn't the right direction to go 

[KayC]

No, alcohol compounds the problems.  Have you tried a grief counselor?  Also, some grief support groups are helpful, but I'd start with a grief counselor first.

[RobertBrown]

Actually, I'm waiting on a therapist to call me back now. I went to pahoke FL last March for 3 weeks, i was good for 7 months, then these thoughts and nightmares of my baby run through my head, insomnia anxiety, depression. Im 55 years old and i never knew how to get things out. I raised in the 60's... Men dont cry cause its a weakness, take it, deal with it and be happy 

[KayC]

This is the one thing that'd be too much for any man alone...

[RobertBrown]

I appreciate your response and yes its been a lot to handle and digest. I was never taught how to grieve or handle this 

[KayC]

None of us were.  I've lost everyone but my children and rarely get to see them...losing my husband 18 1/2 years ago is my hardest, and my dog Arlie 4 1/3 years ago, then my BIL and sister (I was her caregiver, she was disabled and had dementia) too because we were in each other's lives continually.  
I've studied grief since losing my husband, and wrote this article ten years in...it was written with loss of husband in mind, but I hope it helps some.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[RobertBrown]

I'm 55 years old, total hip replacement surgery 2 years ago, left shoulder surgery 1 year ago, a month after that, i received that fateful call that no parent should. I was in denial, cause that couldn't be my baby girl, no way. I identify her body and walked away without feelings or emotions, maybe the shock, maybe my refusal to admit she was actually gone and I'd never see her again, never be able to tell her I loved her, i blamed myself and still do. The drinking numbed the pain for awhile, then came the Xanax, Vicodin, Percocet and whatever else i could get my hands on. I was congnesent of what I was doing, but didn't care. 4 months later, i came terms with my addiction, made the call and to rehab. I wasn't prepared to leave this world a hot mess. I came out, was good for 7 months, and then the year anniversary just came up, 11/7/22 was her departure and i somehow lost it and don't know how. Its all a blur. So here i am trying again, one day at a time. Her smile is addicting 

[KayC]

It's a lot to digest, let alone live with.  My heart goes out to you.  Take one day at a time, one hour or minute as needed.  Leave off the drugs/alcohol, go for a walk, get out of your head.  Pet a puppy.  It helps me.

[Roger2112]

Hi @RobertBrown, I lost my daughter to fentanyl 2 years ago and her name was Ashley also. I know all about those triggers that cause setbacks.  Booze and drugs may numb things up for a time, but sooner or later we have to face the monster called grief. This grief thing seems to be an entity that demands our attention. If we box it up and stuff it onto a shelf and ignore it for too long it will let us know we've been denying it in a big way. When I feel the grief monster wanting attention, I just take it out and embrace it and let it have its way with all the emotions and tears it demands, and I do it completely sober! Then I pack it back up and stick it back on the shelf for next time. For me this seems to help, and I have at least some control over how and when it comes out. Nobody has to know, and you won't lose your man-card. I like a social drink time to time, and nothing spoils a good time like having the grief come out with friends after a few drinks. If you're feeling a grief episode coming on, by all means avoid the stimulants and face the monster sober!

[RobertBrown]

I'm still new to this , i don't how to box it up and deal with it. So, i drink, to ease the fucking pain. Then the drugs come into play cause I'm not in my right frame of mind, I'm cognisant of what I'm doing and know it's wrong...but i still do it. I went to rehab for 3 weeks down in pahoke FL, it worked for.7 months, then came back to New York 

[Blakesmom24]

We just lost our 24 year old son on October 29 to an overdose.  Still waiting for the toxicology report but I'm guessing it was fentanyl.  I work in a busy emergency department and we see overdoses every single day.  Most have been revived by Narcan.  It was too late to save my son by the time Narcan was administered.  This has been such a nightmare for our entire family.  On Thanksgiving night I slept in his bed in the bedroom where he died. His dad and brother can't be in his room for more than a minute or so and thought I was crazy.  A day or two later a package arrived in the mail labeled "Dilly" and had a fentanyl test strip.  We're thinking maybe Dilaudid?  We took that and his phone to the police department since those sellers were still trying to contact my son.  I miss him so much but I also want to go off on him for buying this poison again!  We had him in rehab at the hospital where I work and he loved it.  He was a donor and I received a letter yesterday saying which tissue they were able to recover and that two people received his corneas.  That's the only thing that brings me comfort.  Otherwise, I'm simply just existing.  Wishing I could just wake up from this insane nightmare

[KayC]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

[Blakesmom24]

6 hours ago, KayC said:

I am so sorry you are going through this.

It's pure torture.  I see that you're located in Oregon.  My family is in the Douglas County area and my boys loved visiting Roseburg.  My mom still lives there, and my dad and other family members are buried at the Riddle Cemetery.

[KayC]

It's a couple of hours from here.  My husband was from that are...he's been gone 18 1/2 years now.