Year 2 :-(

[William M]

Next week will be year 2 and I can't believe it.   Didn't I just loose her? 2 years already? 

I've been depressed and crying again this week. Thinking about her several times a day now.  Part of it is that I've just finished my goal I started right after loosing her, of getting the house and yard in order / remodeled etc. It was my way of gaining back some control, I guess, in a out of control situation. But now that it's pretty much all done, and I'm being hit with "So What" and "why does it even matter".  I'm back to the feeling that the pending retirement is all ruined now. and I'm just burning time. I've lost my purpose, and getting the house fixed up wasn't really it. I just miss her so much.

[widower2]

I'm sorry. Maybe you could have a gathering of family and/or friends to show off everything you've done? (Not show off in a braggart way...I think you know what I mean.) I get the victory of retiring feeling hollow...when I finally retired from the military, something we'd talked about how great that would be...she wasn't there to celebrate and share it with. I hope you can find some purpose in retirement, again whether with family/friends or thing you can do yourself. I hope retire in the not too distant future and have some plans I hope keep me busy (in a good way!).

[KayC]

My "retirement" was very anticlimatic, not at all how I'd envisioned when George was alive.  We were robbed of our dreams.  I hope you will find something to give you some purpose and meaning.  Two years...I know it's kind of a state of disbelief.  Thinking of you, brother...

[Boggled]

William M, you can come fix up MY house (and especially my land!)(which I haven't mowed since sometime in August).   (sigh!)   It IS something worthwhile, at least in my opinion, to do things that need to be done.  It may not feel like you've succeeded in fixing your MAIN problem (grief, of course), but congratulations!  anyway!  on getting your house and yard in order!  

ah I'm going to vacuum and mop the kitchen today.  

yes.  this passage of time.  Another 6+ months and I'll be right there same place.  By then it'll be time to mow the grass again.  And I will.  IF I'm still alive, IF a lot of things.

But the recognition that much time has passed!  and my husband has not come back!  and he was EVERYTHING!  and he won't come back in my lifetime!   and there is nothing I can do about it!  and hanging on.  To memories and the sense of him.  The sense of him!  I still have that, and for how I feel you'd have to look in the "spirituality" section, and ... it's still developing in me, and I don't understand what or how or anything but just trying.     

For what it's worth, ah never mind.

[DWS]

12 hours ago, William M said:

It was my way of gaining back some control, I guess, in a out of control situation. But now that it's pretty much all done, and I'm being hit with "So What" and "why does it even matter".  I'm back to the feeling that the pending retirement is all ruined now. and I'm just burning time. I've lost my purpose, and getting the house fixed up wasn't really it. I just miss her so much.

Getting the house remodeled might have been the goal at first but I think the real purpose is that putting your energy into it helped you cope all of these months...and that mattered.

I have been doing something very similar with my house during this time. It's a very old cottage that has needed a lot of work and love put into it over the years but in the past year, I've found myself doing ridiculous but necessary structural improvements to it...brick and mortaring, cement work, tearing out old fiberglass insulation (with mice poop in it) in the hideous crawlspaces and putting up clean foamboard. This all started back when Tom and I planned to paint the kitchen cabinets. A few weeks after he unexpectedly passed away, my fractured ego was determined to start the painting but then the depression really set in. The paint swatches and samples just continued to sit on the counter where we had left them during the fun planning times of our new project together. 

After a few months passed, I was determined again to get our project going. Twice heading out to the paint store, I ended up in tears and didn't go. I still couldn't decide on colour and I also just didn't want to continue on without him helping....but once I finally bought the paint and started on the cabinets, something new happened. I felt the power of us coming back. I was doing this for both of us and it was a good feeling. The thing that I have noticed is when there's a lull in the projects...usually from me being too exhausted to get back to it....I start feeling the sadness and despair again. It's like I've established connection with my partner through these house projects because I'm doing them for both of us. I wonder if that is something similar to what you're experiencing. Perhaps you're feeling a real "lull" right now because things feel like they're finished. But maintenance on houses and yards never stops. 

[William M]

Thanks everyone

I have something else to tell you.  Something great happened, after I wrote the post and went to bed.  I had a dream that included my wife! That hasn't happen since I lost her.  There were a couple times where I kind of remember a dream with her briefly in the background, but nothing like this. This was a first, finally!

In this dream she was 100% the focus. She was standing in front of me inches away looking as beautiful as I had ever seen her. (Dare I say angelic!) I gave her a small kiss and told her how beautiful she was. She never spoke, she just stared into my eyes smiling.   I woke up immediately following this, and couldn't believe what just happened. I felt overjoyed, and deeply saddened at the same time! It is so wonderful to have seen her again, even if just in a dream.....

[SSC]

How wonderful for you William!  I believe you truly had a visit from your wife!  Don’t even second guess this experience and accept this for the gift that it is!!

I read your story earlier before your dream and I wanted to tell you that I whole heartedly believe you were doing what you were supposed to be doing.  Taking care of you home is the connection to your wife.  It’s a physical representation of doing and giving to your relationship.  Like the others have said above, now that much of it is done the grief and uncertainty sets in.  I am so pleased your wife was able to give you a special “thank you” for all your hard work!  Enjoy this moment and don’t worry about the next step…give it time and you will know what it’ll be.

[KayC]

So glad for you, William!

[DotPark]

3 hours ago, William M said:

 I had a dream with my wife! 

I am so happy for you!!! I'm still waiting to see my dear Tom in a dream...I guess he's busy somewhere or having too good a time (which is fine by me).

[KayC]

I am amazed that I don't have dreams of George being as we were always together and each other's soul mate and best friend!  Had a couple about a year in, that's it.  Maybe I sleep too deep to remember.

[Boggled]

I'd agree with SSC:  

22 hours ago, SSC said:

How wonderful for you William!  I believe you truly had a visit from your wife!  Don’t even second guess this experience and accept this for the gift that it is!!

I read your story earlier before your dream and I wanted to tell you that I whole heartedly believe you were doing what you were supposed to be doing.  Taking care of you home is the connection to your wife.  It’s a physical representation of doing and giving to your relationship.  Like the others have said above, now that much of it is done the grief and uncertainty sets in.  I am so pleased your wife was able to give you a special “thank you” for all your hard work!  Enjoy this moment and don’t worry about the next step…give it time and you will know what it’ll be.

I THINK we are all doing what in various sites online is called "processing" ???  and DWS, 

On 11/15/2023 at 8:28 AM, DWS said:

After a few months passed, I was determined again to get our project going. Twice heading out to the paint store, I ended up in tears and didn't go. I still couldn't decide on colour and I also just didn't want to continue on without him helping....but once I finally bought the paint and started on the cabinets, something new happened. I felt the power of us coming back. I was doing this for both of us and it was a good feeling. The thing that I have noticed is when there's a lull in the projects...usually from me being too exhausted to get back to it....I start feeling the sadness and despair again. It's like I've established connection with my partner through these house projects because I'm doing them for both of us.

I've got my son, his wife, and their two sons coming for Thanksgiving, and looking around the house, I notice ... when's the last time I mopped the kitchen floor?  and I need to vacuum!  and I washed my bay windows.  hahaha!  ... and today I'm going to use the blower to climb up on a ladder and blow the leaves off the roof and out of the gutters.  And, after I'd mopped and vacuumed, it DID feel like ... well, at least the house is cleaner!  ha!  Great to have them coming, that's what holidays are for I guess.  BUT I know I'll also be okay with them leaving.  Because I've gotten used to the silence and my own inner ruminating and "processing," and having a bunch more people around is at least two things:  it's part of being part of the rest of the world, the way they would look at the house ? as opposed to me just rattling around in it and going from day to day NOT vacuuming and NOT mopping ... but it's also an interruption!  in my finding me.  Or, like you talk about, DWS, doing things that connect with the loved one in whatever particular and personal ways we do them.

[KayC]

You sound like me in my 50s. I could do anything!  Now I'm in my 70s, nope, not getting on the roof!

[Boggled]

I'm hoping I can just get on this little lightweight aluminum ladder Steve bought, and with the blower ... BLOW the leaves.  Steve didn't like me climbing on the roof ... but for me, not a big deal, but wear shoes with soles that GRIP.

[DWS]

On 11/16/2023 at 10:22 AM, Boggled said:

Steve didn't like me climbing on the roof ... but for me, not a big deal, but wear shoes with soles that GRIP.

I can do a lot of things but getting on the roof ain't one of them. Two weeks ago, I hired the services of a guy who does tree trimming to cut back this huge branch lingering over the house. He and his son were here for four hours to cut that branch plus two others and while he was here, he mortared and fixed up my chimney that we both noticed had some issues. I'm pretty sure that's how the squirrels were occasionally getting into the attic! I could have done the chimney myself other than that fact that I'm petrified of stepping onto the roof. I can go up and down my extension ladder no problem to clean the gutters but I'm like James Stewart with vertigo on the roof. 

I also must add how sweet it felt having him and his son here caring and focusing on my needs during that time. He could see the slightly challenging predicament I have with the older trees around my property and wanted to help me out price-wise. I had some mortar for the chimney and prepared a pail of it for him so we worked together on that. It was nice to feel that attention again. 

[Boggled]

Well I was able to blow the leaves out of the gutters and, just standing on the ladder, (there were a BUNCH of leaves on the roof!), blow most of them UP into the air, where they swirled and some of them made it down to the deck, but some just swirled back down onto the roof.  At least I got a lot of leaves off the roof!  Not perfect!  I'm not a perfectionist, though.   And yesterday morning, looking at the roof from the deck, the leaves that had stayed on the roof have now slid down into the gutter.  So, I COULD get out the blower and do it again.  ... but I didn't.  Yet.  And ...

16 minutes ago, DWS said:

It was nice to feel that attention again. 

Man, that was how I felt when the husband of the couple I went kayaking with, pulled MY kayak across the low spots in the river.   Kind of amazed and thankful!  

I did get on Sierra Trading Post, a GREAT place to look for shoes, btw, IMHO) and look for shoes with "Vibram MegaGrip" soles, that's supposed to be good for being "grippy."  And there were some on there.  But then I thought to myself, "I have a lot of shoes, I don't need any more shoes, stop it!" ... but thinking about it afterwards, does "MegaGrip" which is supposed to help with walking and running, really grip on something like roofs?  Even the magnificence of the internet didn't help me search that one.    Maybe I SHOULD buy some "MegaGrip" shoes?  ...  There's only me to decide now, no husband who cares! to consult with.

[DWS]

9 minutes ago, Boggled said:

Well I was able to blow the leaves out of the gutters and, just standing on the ladder, (there were a BUNCH of leaves on the roof!), blow most of them UP into the air, where they swirled and some of them made it down to the deck, but some just swirled back down onto the roof.  At least I got a lot of leaves off the roof!  Not perfect!  I'm not a perfectionist, though.   And yesterday morning, looking at the roof from the deck, the leaves that had stayed on the roof have now slid down into the gutter.  So, I COULD get out the blower and do it again.  ... but I didn't.  Yet.  And ...

I've had to do the gutters THREE times this fall so far. The last time (early last week), I noticed all of the leaves on the roof. I left them and Mother Nature conjured up a nice windy night shortly after. No more leaves on the roof. (Course there are some now in the gutters again but whatever.) I just love autumn....NOT!

[AJ4]

I am also in year two.  Many days I feel ok.  Sometimes I get so lonely though, for a hand to hold and to cuddle up at night again with him.  Last night I had a dream which was wild and vivid.  I was hiding until a pine tree from this giant Dialga (monster) that was trying to kill me.  My husband appeared and said he was going to run out and attract the monster's attention so I could run away.   He ran toward it and I ran away.  I kept running until I found a church which Dialga could not get in.   I was there crying and crying for my husband, taking shelter with many crowds of people, but then when I was sure he wasn't coming back he appeared out of the river (the church was above a river) and I grabbed his hand.  We were running together and I was holding on for dear life.   Then I woke up feeling like I could still feel his hand in mine but the feeling faded away like smoke and I wanted to cry again.   

[RichS]

On 11/15/2023 at 10:28 AM, William M said:

I woke up immediately following this, and couldn't believe what just happened. I felt overjoyed, and deeply saddened at the same time! It is so wonderful to have seen her again, even if just in a dream.....

I envy you for having such an experience. When my grief turns to the"bargaining phase", I often find myself thinking about what I would be willing to sacrifice just to see and talk to my wife for one minute. I realize that I'm fantasizing, but it does give me some comfort, if only for the moment.

[Bou]

On 11/14/2023 at 8:34 PM, William M said:

Next week will be year 2 and I can't believe it.   Didn't I just loose her? 2 years already? 

I've been depressed and crying again this week. Thinking about her several times a day now.  Part of it is that I've just finished my goal I started right after loosing her, of getting the house and yard in order / remodeled etc. It was my way of gaining back some control, I guess, in a out of control situation. But now that it's pretty much all done, and I'm being hit with "So What" and "why does it even matter".  I'm back to the feeling that the pending retirement is all ruined now. and I'm just burning time. I've lost my purpose, and getting the house fixed up wasn't really it. I just miss her so much.

December will be two years.  Feels like yesterday yet I feel like I am forgetting him and he is so far away yet very near.  Its weird. You have been keeping busy to keep the feeling at bay.  I can relate.  I don't stop.  Always doing something.  He always said he would never get to retire.  Our purpose has changed, we were all tied up in our spouses that now it is like.....Who are we?  I have come to realize I don't know who I am?  I was always US.  The house seems overwhelming for me yet what or where else would I live? I changed a few things around maybe looking for something that I don't know.  Make it feel less US and a little more me and my daughter but it still feels like he is everywhere and its comforting yet full of emotions..  Keeping busy is good.  You have not lost your purpose your just trying to find your new purpose.  Time.   Give it time and don't give up.  I believe our loved ones wouldn't want that for us.  When you find you are having a good moment embrace it as a sign that your loved one is smiling upon you and look for those moments.  We all are only here for a short while in the grand scheme of it all.  Enjoy, embrace and cherish the moments of joy.  At least try. I miss him too so much so very much.