My (29) boyfriend (25) died last weekend to a car accident and I'm having trouble coping.

[blaiiz]

My boyfriend had a very rough childhood... he was abused as a child and was taken into an orphan where he was eventually adopted from at the age of 12. He was adopted by an American family but was homeschooled and then joined the Marines/Air Force around the age of 18. He was never a very expressive person and I don't think he had many/any friends and I was his first girlfriend even though he was so handsome (this always broke my heart....). He never spoke much about his history so I always envisioned it was lonely and depressing. Since his passing, I got /some/ exposure to his past with a handful of extra pictures which makes his childhood not entirely lonely. I don't know if he was content or depressed since he didn't express himself very well. Our relationship was rocky because of this same issue - he wasn't very affectionate.... but I think that's just how he was because of his background. We broke up multiple times because of the same issue of me not feeling loved by him.. I truly don't know how much he cared for me, even now. We were in a weird, post-break up, casual relationship state when he passed away a week ago.

It still catches me off-guard to think that he's truly gone from this world... He was so young... younger than me and because of his sheltered life, barely saw much of the world. I tried hard to get him to go out more but he was such a homebody.. I can envision him so clearly... it feels surreal that I can't ever see, touch, or speak to him again. It hurts so bad. The hardest part is dealing with how unfair it feels - the fact that his life was so difficult and lonely, the fact that he never saw much of the world or did many activities (which, who knows, maybe he did and just didn't say), the fact that he always isolated himself from his family, the fact that he was only 25. How do I get over this? I'm an atheist so it's hard for me to find any sort of comfort in his death. I wish I could've given him all the happiness he deserved. 

His family won't let me attend the funeral (said it's family only when I know it isn't). I don't know why they dislike me... but it hurts.... to grieve so hard for him but not have any sort of entitlement to him; to not be able to have any token of him to remember him by. Heck, I don't even know if he would've cared if I attended his funeral or if he would've cared about how much I'm hurting in his absence. Like I said, I'm insecure about whether he liked me or not and then having his family treat me this way makes those insecurities feel more real for some reason. I never met the family before, but I was hoping they'd welcome me... I was hoping I could get a peek into his past by browsing their photo albums so my biased perception of his unfulfilling life could be thwarted. 

I feel so conflicted... I want to stop hurting but I also don't. I don't feel like I deserve to move on or live life when he wasn't granted that luxury. 

I also feel this incredible sadness thinking about the future... 2, 3, 10 years down the road when I think back to him and realize that his life stopped moving at 25 years old even though I'm older... that's 2, 3, 10 years of life that he never got to live... all the things he could've done in those years. It's hard to put into words this feeling...  

Despite all his flaws, I want him... I want him so bad and I can't imagine ever being interested in any one else again. He was my first sexual partner and being a demisexual, I can't imagine yearning for someone else. 

Will I ever move on? Will I be ok with moving on?

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss, and also the way his family is treating you.  This is not uncommon but it's hurtful.  My heart goes out to you.  I would encourage you to mourn him in your own way.  Prhaps you can think of a ritual or something that would express to him how you're feeling.  Talk to him, tell him how you're feeling.  Moving on isn't really a term we use here, it's kind of a misnomer.  We are forever changed, grief has a beginning but not an ending.  It does, however, evolve with time.  Keep coming here and expressing your feelings.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

 

[Roxeanne]

@blaiiz i'm so sorry for your loss! Life was so unfair for him, he surely loves you but he was lock up in his own walls. If you suffer a lot since you were a child, you protect yourself with defensive walls and sometimes it's hard to open up them even for the person you love!

Sorry that his family worse  your hard pain!

Hope you can find some comfort with us

[RichS]

Please continue to post here. We on this board understand what you're going through; having experienced very similar feelings ourselves.