My big sister passed in a car accident..

[Ayv]

It has been almost 2 months since my big sister passed. She was going to work one night, its about a 15 to 20minute drive from our house,  someones horse got our from its fencing and into the road. She hit it at 8:46pm and passed away at 8:49pm.

The police came to tell my mom and then she told me. I just dropped to knees, i felt my chest just go empty. The sudden burst of tears and confusion. It took me an hour and a half to pull myseld together enough before my mom  had me call my other 3 sisters and relatives. My dad was out of the country helping out one of my other sisters. Spoke to him last and he flew back the following night. 

Seeing as I am the one in the family who works at a funeral home, it was naturally handed off to me to take care of just about everything. I let my boss know, we went in for the appointment after a few days and decided on the services we want. I hand picked certain people at my worm to take care of certain things, people i can trust to do their job right.

Later that week the deputy said we can go see her car and retrieve things. I went with my parents, uncle, aunt, and my sisters boyfriend. Seeing her car felt like i just lost her all over again, my whole body was shaking and i felt like i was suffocating like every part of my body was in shock. Seeing the blood, pieces of flesh and hair and maggots crawling around and the smell of decomp from what was left behind.

Fast forward, her body is finally released from the coroners. I waited after hours at work till i knew she was brought there safely.
A couple days later she was embalmed. I asked my friend who is an embalmer if she will please be the one to take care of her. To treat her like she was one of her sisters. She took her time and was very thorough,  and made her notes very detailed for me to read after. Before she brought her into one of the private viewing rooms we have for me to see her the day before our private viewing, i read the embalming report which listed the extent of her injuries. Every bone on the left side of her face was broken, nose, jaw, maxilla, temple, under her left eye, and so on. My friend did her best to attach and reset everything in the most natural setting.

After reading all of that, i went to go see my sister. They didnt do any costmetics yet , no wax to cover the lacerations, nothing yet because she had just been embalmed so her body needed to set over night. When i walked in the room she was covered in a white sheet from head to toe on a dressing table we use to get decents dressed and cosmotized on.
I grabbed a chair and pulled it up next to her and slowly over awhile i built up the courage to slowly uncover her face. The right side was mostly fine. Discolored a bit but not bad. The left side was so bruised and purple and swollen. I laid the upper half of my body on the table and wrapped my arms around her head and leaned my head against hers. I gently touched her face and talked with her. Told her things i never got to share. Told her what im sorry for. Told her i love her. Gave her a kiss on the head.

Day of the private viewing, my parents and other sisters got to see her when she was dressed, cosmotized, casketed. She was beautiful and looked so at peace. 2 days later she was cremated 1st thing in the morning and another friend of mine who is a removal technician said she would go pick her up from the crematory as soon as she was ready.
She brought her back safely to me and i transfered her ashes in the permanent urn and took her home that day.
We did a celebration of life for her a few days later with the rest of the family. I made the slideshow and the custom prayer cards and did all the folders and sign in book at work. I did all of it.  Decorations and planning, it was exhausting.... but everything turned out beautiful. Lots of sunflowers and squirrel decor which meant a lot to her.

By the end of it im glad that part is over but...these past couple weeks have been really rough for me. I tried talking to my sisters about it but they dont really understand how im feeling. They didnt go through everything i had to, things they never experienced that i did. They werent here until the day of her services. I was helping mom and dad and took most of the weight of everything. And to work at the funeral home she was at... to see her how she was... just everything... it was hard and its frusterating for me that no one really understands that. I come home and her car isnt here, shes not in the livingroom eating or reading, shes not out back anymore taking care of the birds we have, shes not gonna be here anymore for the holidays like she always was, she wont be here to bring in the new year, to make her potato salad, to make jokes about aliens and the world ending, i wont see her getting ready to leave for work or hear her car pull in at 1am or to hear the front door close when shes back. Just so many things ya know.... all these little things that just add up... 
And i thought having all my sisters here when services happened would help me...but it didnt... i felt worse....i felt so frustered with them... i just didnt want to be around anyone... talk with anyone... still dont.

And whats really hard for me right now is that when she needed us the most, we weren't there for her.  She died out there alone in her car on the road. No one to comfort her in any way... and i think to myself "was she in any pain? Even for a second? Was she scared? Did she see any of it coming?" Or was it so fast that there was no time for any of that.
I can only hope it was just that fast and that was it.... but because of all that i feel so useless.... i have never felt so useless....and so upset with myself...

I deal with greving families every day... comfort them... guide them,, help them... but now its for me... and i dont know what to do.
Its not like she was sick....it wasnt like we knew it was going to happen in X amount of time and had time to prepare... it just happened suddenly and in a traumatic way... and we were not prepared for it.
You hear about these things but never expect it to happen to you and then it does.

I did however get her fingerprint on a necklace. It has an engraving on the back with her name and a quote that says I Am Strong.
She had that engraved on her ring. She was a domestic abuse survivor.
She was strong... and still had so much more to accomplish... i always saw her taking mom and dads house when their time came... and now she wont...she was only 42...
She didnt deserve this to happen to her.  And i just can't believe it sometimes. 

[KayC]

I am so sorry, I lost my older sister 1 1/2 years ago, suddenly, unexpectedly, she'd been there all my life, we talked to each other every day, I was her caregiver. She was disabled and had dementia.

I am so sorry for your loss, and I'm glad you have the necklace.  I have Peggy's eyeglasses, they were her favorite pair.