Feeling lost & don’t know what to do

[MariePaul]

My husband died suddenly and unexpectedly on Tuesday morning 07.11.23. I found him in our ensuite and I’d slept through it.

I’m feeling very lost and don’t know what to do with myself. He had 2 adult children but we had none together.

I’m not sleeping very well (zero on Tuesday, 2 on Wednesday and 3 last night). The wee dark small hours are so long. 

Please can anyone tell me how they got through this?

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss.  I have one day at a time, one hour or minute at a time in the beginning.  
Welcome here.  It is the hardest thing in the world, but it helps to have someone to talk to.  All our friends disappeared from the get go.  I found a web site and it literally saved me.

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

[shawnt]

I am sorry you have to be here.

This will sound like bs right now but.It is minute by minute, do what you can and when you can't anymore be gentle with yourself and breath. Take what help you can( some people's help isn't that helpful, forgive them or throw them out , your choice) eat what you can, sleep if you can, if your exhausted it makes it harder , see a dr. And let them know where you are.

I can't explain clearly why coming here has helped but it has, although I wish I never knew it existed.

I know it's no comfort but you are not walking this road alone everyone on this site walks it also.

[DWS]

I am so deeply sorry for the terrible loss of your husband. With it happening suddenly and unexpected just three days ago, this is a time when there isn't much you can do other than be very careful and kind to yourself. You are lost and bewildered just as anyone would be. Always keep that in mind and try not to put too much pressure on yourself to be doing more. 

I am hoping you have supportive people around you. If you have been close with your husband's two adult children, be closer with them as they are hurting just as much. My partner passed away suddenly and totally out of the blue early last year. I found so much comfort being in touch from his three adult children and became particularly close to his daughter throughout this horrible passage of time since. She knows that the closeness of her father lies within me now. 

Warmest hugs to you,

Don

[KayC]

10 minutes ago, DWS said:

be very careful and kind to yourself.

 

[MariePaul]

2 hours ago, DWS said:

If you have been close with your husband's two adult children, be closer with them as they are hurting just as much. My partner passed away suddenly and totally out of the blue early last year. I found so much comfort being in touch from his three adult children and became particularly close to his daughter throughout this horrible passage of time since. She knows that the closeness of her father lies within me now. 

Warmest hugs to you,

Don

Thank you so much. I always got on well with his son but not his daughter as she was a daddy’s girl and didn’t treat me very well. We finally seemed to be tentatively patching things up since last Christmas. Since this awful tragedy she has been an absolute rock. If only it could have been like this when her dad was here - but I think this whole awful situation has just made anything else irrelevant. I think she sees how much we loved each other and I can see that her father lives on in her. xx

[KayC]

And I'm so glad for you, it  helps.

[DWS]

1 hour ago, MariePaul said:

I think she sees how much we loved each other and I can see that her father lives on in her. xx

So good to hear. Over time, you both will learn so much more from each other about this greatly important man who was the centre of your lives. If I had to find some positive from my loss, it would be that. 

[Jemiga70]

@MariePaul   My deepest condolences.  My wife passed suddenly and unexpectedly, so I can well relate to the shock and living nightmare.  When I think back to those first days  (and months)  I was a zombie in survival mode. Just try to remember to eat, drink water, avoid alcohol, sleep if and when you can, cry / scream / rage / release the emotions safely, and accept help from others. Don't expect much from yourself right now. Try to do only what needs to be done; everything else can wait.  Avoid making major decisions; you're in shock and now is not the time to decide anything important.

This forum helped me in that I could see I wasn't the last man on earth; others understood my pain and there was some comfort in that, as morbid as it sounds. Naturally I wish none of us were on this board.  Perhaps you will find it beneficial coming here to read or post, to rant or cry.

[RichS]

All of us here welcome your to our board and are very sorry for your loss. Yes, one day at a time is the best strategy to follow, especially when your loss occurred only weeks or months ago. Still, after 15 months, I'm still in the one day at a time thinking. It helps to keep things more manageable in my mind. Please continue to post here. You'll find that our members here are caring and sympathetic. Most importantly, we all get what you're going through, having experienced it ourselves.