The Anger is real...

[Renarusse]

My Dad died suddenly April 21st of this year.  

I had a complete meltdown at work in front of my colleague.  I remember changing my shoes and throwing them across my office and making a statement that I hate my job, I have no value, it's meaningless.  Not my finest hour.  I left and went to the park, sat on a bench and started sobbing.  I miss my Dad terribly and I'm angry I exist.   I then went into Target to buy some dam string lights like this will fix things or make it even remotely tolerable.  My crying fest continued in Target and back to the office.  Grief can't be fixed and life just absolutely sucks!  Anything holiday related I just want to give the middle finger to.

[Wandering Soul]

Hi, Renarusse. 

I am so sorry for the loss of your father.  Holidays sure can be rather painful after we lose such dear loved ones.  They seem to compound the sadness for some of us.  In fact, life in general sure can become challenging, difficult and lonely after such an impactful loss.

Anger is certainly a part of the grieving process.  In fact, I know I personally bounced back through the anger stage a few times (and it wasn't always graciously).  And yes, giving the holidays "the middle finger" sounds about par for course for someone who is still deeply grieving.  I certainly remember and can relate to those days myself.  The anger is indeed real.

Maybe this is just a delayed anger phase of grief.  Maybe you really do hate your job.  Maybe your job has become an outlet for your anger over the loss of your father.  Or, maybe you hate your job because it has negatively impacted your time to do the things that you find most important, like spending time with your Dad.  The death of a loved one is a life-changing experience.  It can sometimes push us into an unexpected personal transition where we begin to reevaluate our beliefs, thoughts, spirituality, friends, lifestyle, how we spend our time and what we spend our time on.  So, be gentle with yourself.  This is a big life change that can affect us in a multitude of ways; some of which we may have never expected. 

Hopefully, you have a coworker who understands that you are emotionally fragile and deeply grieving...  that your "meltdown" wasn't a reflection of who you are, but an expression of the deep grief and sorrow you are feeling.  

I know that you are speaking from anger, but I need to tell you this anyway.  Your personal value is completely independent of whether or not your father is physically with you.   You are valuable!  You likely carry some of the same, wonderful values your dear father taught you many years ago as a child.  

You exist and are here for a reason!  I know it's not all clear at the moment.  Not much is clear when we are tightly wrapped in a shroud of grief.  It can be exceptionally hard to think, hard to rationalize, and quite difficult to take care of ourselves.  It's important to mention this: should you be having any thoughts of hurting yourself, please consider calling the US Suicide and Crisis hotline at 9-8-8 for assistance.  If you are not having thoughts of hurting yourself, you may want to consider speaking with a grief counselor.  You are worth it. 

Grief is difficult, but it doesn't have to own us.  There are no shortcuts through the grieving process, but over the course of time we can learn how to manage our pain better.  There is hope!

Reach out if you want to talk further.  

 

Wishing you peace, 

Wandering Soul