The death of my son makes me feel invisible. I miss him so much

[Motherofanangel20]

I have been married for 23 years and have 4 adult children, my youngest baby went to heaven on January 3rd of 202 at 19. I have been lost ever since. But the one thing I cant understand is why does everyone think the mother doesn't need hugs, or attention, or to be asked if we need anything? I have sat back and watched my husband get all of the attention, worried about him, asks how he's doing, like it is a daily thing for him. For me... no one sees me after I lost my baby. We were so close! he was such a proud mamas boy. My husband soaks it up and really thrives on the attention.. Why don't people see me...I feel so alone and feel like I've gotten lost in his grief and that's not a good feeling.

[Motherofanangel20]

[KayC]

I love your pictures.  I haven't lost a birth child (had three wanted pregnancies lost) but I lost my husband 18 years ago, all too soon.  I can't imagine losing a child you raised, the hardest heartbreak of all.  Hold onto and cherish those memories.

I wrote this ten years after losing my husband, I've been involved with grief groups for 18+ years.
 

Grief Process

This is not a one-size-fits-all, what strikes us one day will be different a few months/years from now, so please save/print this for reference!

I want to share an article I wrote of the things I've found helpful over the years, in the hopes something will be of help to you either now or on down the road.

TIPS TO MAKE YOUR WAY THROUGH GRIEF

There's no way to sum up how to go on in a simple easy answer, but I encourage you to read the other threads here, little by little you will learn how to make your way through this.  I do want to give you some pointers though, of some things I've learned on my journey.

• Take one day at a time.  The Bible says each day has enough trouble of its own, I've found that to be true, so don't bite off more than you can chew.  It can be challenging enough just to tackle today.  I tell myself, I only have to get through today.  Then I get up tomorrow and do it all over again.  To think about the "rest of my life" invites anxiety.
• Don't be afraid, grief may not end but it evolves.  The intensity lessens eventually.
• Visit your doctor.  Tell them about your loss, any troubles sleeping, suicidal thoughts, anxiety attacks.  They need to know these things in order to help you through it...this is all part of grief.
• Suicidal thoughts are common in early grief.  If they're reoccurring, call a suicide hotline.  I felt that way early on, but then realized it wasn't that I wanted to die so much as I didn't want to go through what I'd have to face if I lived.  Back to taking a day at a time.  Suicide Hotline - Call 1-800-273-8255 or www.crisis textline.org or US and Canada: text 741741 UK: text 85258 | Ireland: text 50808
• Give yourself permission to smile.  It is not our grief that binds us to them, but our love, and that continues still.
• Try not to isolate too much.  
• There's a balance to reach between taking time to process our grief, and avoiding it...it's good to find that balance for yourself.  We can't keep so busy as to avoid our grief, it has a way of haunting us, finding us, and demanding we pay attention to it!  Some people set aside time every day to grieve.  I didn't have to, it searched and found me!
• Self-care is extremely important, more so than ever.  That person that would have cared for you is gone, now you're it...learn to be your own best friend, your own advocate, practice self-care.  You'll need it more than ever.
• Recognize that your doctor isn't trained in grief, find a professional grief counselor that is.  We need help finding ourselves through this maze of grief, knowing where to start, etc.  They have not only the knowledge, but the resources.
• In time, consider a grief support group.  If your friends have not been through it themselves, they may not understand what you're going through, it helps to find someone somewhere who DOES "get it". 
• Be patient, give yourself time.  There's no hurry or timetable about cleaning out belongings, etc.  They can wait, you can take a year, ten years, or never deal with it.  It's okay, it's what YOU are comfortable with that matters.  
• Know that what we are comfortable with may change from time to time.  That first couple of years I put his pictures up, took them down, up, down, depending on whether it made me feel better or worse.  Finally, they were up to stay.
• Consider a pet.  Not everyone is a pet fan, but I've found that my dog helps immensely.  It's someone to love, someone to come home to, someone happy to see me, someone that gives me a purpose...I have to come home and feed him.  Besides, they're known to relieve stress.  Well maybe not in the puppy stage when they're chewing up everything, but there's older ones to adopt if you don't relish that stage.
• Make yourself get out now and then.  You may not feel interest in anything, things that interested you before seem to feel flat now.  That's normal.  Push yourself out of your comfort zone just a wee bit now and then.  Eating out alone, going to a movie alone or church alone, all of these things are hard to do at first.  You may feel you flunked at it, cried throughout, that's okay, you did it, you tried, and eventually you get a little better at it.  If I waited until I had someone to do things with I'd be stuck at home a lot.
• Keep coming here.  We've been through it and we're all going through this together.
• Look for joy in every day.  It will be hard to find at first, but in practicing this, it will change your focus so you can embrace what IS rather than merely focusing on what ISN'T.  It teaches you to live in the present and appreciate fully.  You have lost your big joy in life, and all other small joys may seem insignificant in comparison, but rather than compare what used to be to what is, learn the ability to appreciate each and every small thing that comes your way...a rainbow, a phone call from a friend, unexpected money, a stranger smiling at you, whatever the small joy, embrace it.  It's an art that takes practice and is life changing if you continue it.
• Eventually consider volunteering.  It helps us when we're outward focused, it's a win/win.

(((hugs)))  Praying for you today.

 

Child Loss
Child-adult death
Child loss indefinite
Thinking About Continuing Bonds | Psychology Today

[Motherofanangel20]

Thank you so much. Loss is loss in my eyes. No one persons loss is greater than the others. Many hugs to you and thank you for putting this out there. I sometimes don't know what I'm doing day to day.  I lost my mother when I was 17, so loss should be something I could deal with...I cant, hes supposed to be here. Thank you so much for your kind words, and I have so many more photos, but they all wont fit.

[KayC]

One loss doesn't compare to another, some are harder to deal with, I've lost my parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, 24 dogs and cats, birds, niece, nephew, husband, and two sisters.  The hardest were my husband, my dogs and cats, my BIL, and my closest sister.  The reason being, we were the closest in our lives, we interacted daily.  There is something about a child, you don't expect to lose them...but then again, you don't expect to lose youre mom at such a young age.  I lost my dad in my 20s and that was rough, I was expecting his grandchild...

25 minutes ago, Motherofanangel20 said:

so loss should be something I could deal with...

Don't put "shoulds" on yourself.  There are no shoulds in grief, only what each of us experience.

[Motherofanangel20]

💗

[Motherofanangel20]

it isn't easy, I am in a fog all day. I cry at random.. my oldest son has quit talking to me he says I'm dramatic. I have lost 17 year friendships because they don't know what to say to me, one huge loss turned into many losses. I am tired of losing the ones I love. I walk around like a zombie, waiting for someone to ask how I am so I can grab them and hug them and cry... I am still waiting on that... people think I am to overly emotional or too dramatic or too depressed.... I don't get it. I really don't.. I just wish he was hear so I could be ok if just for a  little while. 

Every one thinks I'm ok, because I am strong and have my family to care for. I feel crazy at times. I have never done this before so I don't know if I am doing it right, grieving a child.. but now I am grieving two sons, my 29 year old son refuses to talk to me, haven't seen my grandbabies, because nana is too emo.

I apologize, I know I just keep talking, I don't get to talk about my feelings often or my baby. So thank you for your advice and your ear💗

[KayC]

I am gone right now.

 

[KayC]

Okay, I'm back now, my cellphone didn't have internet, I'm taking care of my friend's place for 3 1/2 weeks and I have a concussion.

1 hour ago, Motherofanangel20 said:

my 29 year old son refuses to talk to me

I am so sorry!  My kids are always busy but we've never had a falling out, that would be so hard!  Especially with all you are going through.