Birthday…

[4wolah]

Today is my mom’s birthday. She passed away one month shy of her birthday. I’ve been really struggling with her passing because It happened so quickly and suddenly. I’m an only child raised by a single parent so our relationship was very close. We would call each other 4-5x a day. When the doctors told me that she won’t make it to Thanksgiving, I begged to the heavens…to whoever was listening for her to at least reach her birthday. For some reason…dying at 55 seemed better than eternally being 54. I miss her so much my heart physically hurts. I feel like there isn’t enough oxygen in the room. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to live without her. She was my universe and my universe is gone. What do I do now?…

[Wandering Soul]

Hi, 4wolah. 

I am so very sorry that you lost your dear mother.  The love you had for her is beyond words and there is no wonder why your heart hurts so deeply.  As your relationship with your mother was so close, it feels like you not only lost your mother but may have lost your best friend too.  

Sometimes in highly emotional moments where we are watching a loved one transition, some of the things that we think don't always make sense a bit later.  It's okay that at that moment you thought that dying at 55 seemed better than passing away at 54.  It doesn't have to make sense now.  The emotional stress that you were enduring while losing your mother was significant.  (I had a similar experience with my mother although it wasn't with her age, but with her illness.  When my mother's health was rapidly declining in the hospital, I begged for her to give me her cancer.  If she could just give it to me, I could put my all into fighting it and she could be well.  She could be around for her grandchildren.  It made perfect sense to me at the time... she could do it, she could pass her illness on to me... except she couldn't.)  Under severe emotional distress, our minds don't always interpret things and events clearly.

There is no timeline for grieving and it takes time for each of us to work through the loss of our loved one. There are no shortcuts.  What is important is that we try our best to get back up.  So what do you do?

You take care of yourself like your mother would want!   I know that's difficult at the moment and easier said than done, but I believe you can do it.

Grief pushes us into transition where we have to learn how to function in a world without our dear loved one.  This is a significant life change.  Not only have we physically lost someone we dearly loved, some of us begin to ponder what is really important in life and begin to make decisions in support of our new realizations.  We might seek greater understanding spiritually.  We may lose some friends.  We may gain some friends.  We may feel a sudden urgency with the passing of time to quickly make the most of the time we have left here.  All of us have a different journey.  Give yourself grace as you learn to find your way.  

It takes time, but eventually as we move through the grieving process, we can begin to find gratitude for the precious time we were able to spend with our loved ones.  Eventually, we might even begin to celebrate and share the memory of our loved ones through the things we do in life.  

I don't know if we ever fully heal from the loss of a parent, but the intensity of the pain seems to decrease as time passes.  It's been 5 years since I lost my Mom and nearly 3 years since I lost my Dad.  Some days are certainly more challenging than others (birthdays, holidays, etc.) and there are still some tearful moments! 

Do your best to take care of yourself.  Journal if you find it cathartic.  Keep posting on the forum; you'll find others who can offer support.  Meditate, pray or seek spiritual guidance if you find that helpful.  Maybe you might find solace in the outdoors.  Some folks like to stay busy with their schedule.  Exercise can be helpful (it's good for your mind, body and spirit).  Don't forget to try to get some good sleep and to eat meals!  Allow yourself to grieve, but be kind to yourself through the process... it's most certainly a process.

Happy Birthday to your dear mother.  May her memory and spirit remain celebrated in the minds and hearts of those who knew her.

Thinking of you, 

Wandering Soul