Overwhelmed with feelings of emptiness

[Incomplete]

Our beloved dog had to be put down on Nov 3 and my heart actually hurts because of our loss. 
He was 14 years and 3 months. He rapidly declined within a period of about two weeks. We were ready to deal with diabetes (blood sugar was 33) but then we were told he had something on or in his liver, multiple cyst’s throughout his body, his heart was enlarged and he was visibly struggling to breath, a growth beside his penis large enough to prevent a catheter to extract urine and when his urinalysis came back, he had ketones in his urine. So, this is why we had to put him down…. Out of love.

How do I get over this? I want to be emotionally present for my husband who I believe  hurts more than I am. Our home does not feel like a home anymore. Our boy was loved by everyone, he was our rock. I know I will never ever have another dog like this but I still want another dog. the problem is, my husband said he will never do through losing another dog again. I am compassionate enough to not push the issue (my husband had our boy for 4 years before he met me). 

In addition to getting over the loss I am wondering if there is anything I can do to change my husbands mind in the future. Has anyone else had the experiences of saying “I will never get another dog” and then changes their mind? If so, what changed your mind?

 
 

[KayC]

My heart goes out to you in your loss, I know it is great.  Our routines, their food and water bowls, their toys and bed, they're reminders of what we are missing.  I still have my Arlie's coat on my chair, I like to hold it when I'm really missing him...

I lost my Arlie, my soulmate in a dog, he lived to 11 1/2 and I loved him with all my heart.  He got inoperable cancer, he'd just gotten a clean bill of health two weeks earlier.  How do they miss that!  The vet offered nothing to help us through it, yet he lived another two months ten days, I researched what could help him through this time and when it got too hard, I had him euthanized.  The attending vet (different one) botched it.  It killed me.

I knew there would never be another Arlie but I live alone and couldn't picture not having a dog in my life.  My son called one night and said he'd found a Klee Kai (miniature Husky) yay or nay, I said yay?  He was five lbs and is 21 as an adult...my Arlie was 140 at the height of his.

Kodie is exactly what I needed, I have had 16 hand injuries since my Arlie died, and God knew I couldn't handle 140 lbs again, although I could have if it were him.  He was a Husky/Golden Retriever and took many a man down in his first year here (he was one when I got him) but after that year he was amazing and never pulled.

The two dogs are very different.  Arlie had the best sense of humor, he made up games to play with me...he was also an escape artist that could somehow  fit through a 1" open door.n  Kodie is a registered service dog that was born to be one, always with me, very obedient.  I love them both and always will.  I tell Kodie about his older brother.  Incidentally, Kodie was conceived when Arlie died and born on my birthday.  When my son sent me a video and pictures of him, the name Kodie popped into my head.  When he brought me his paperword, collar, and tag, the name Kodie was on it.  The breeder named him Kobie but my son typed in Kodie, it was meant to be.  I was floored.  I like to think Arlie had a paw in it.

he what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died nearly 18 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.
 

 

[Incomplete]

I am so sorry for the loss of Arlie. 
How wonderful you have found Kodie❤️.

I hope that someday my husband changes his mind and will eventually accept another pet member of the family into our home. 

[KayC]

This is a good article although I didn't like what she called it, we never replace a pet, we love and create a new relationship.  My husband has been gone 18 years so it's important for me to have Kodie.

Getting another Pet

[foreverhis]

On 11/4/2023 at 3:22 PM, Incomplete said:

I know I will never ever have another dog like this but I still want another dog. the problem is, my husband said he will never do through losing another dog again.

I'm so very sorry you lost your sweet boy.  It's so hard.  No matter how much time we have with them and even though we know it's likely that some day we will lose them, it's a shock and shattering of our hearts.  No, you will never have another dog like he was because each companion animal is unique, just as people in our lives are unique.  But that doesn't mean you won't be able to open your heart again and it doesn't mean your husband won't be able to open his heart.  Right now, he is unable to comprehend or accept the idea of such a deep loss and overwhelming grief again.  IMO, it's completely natural.  Grief takes time; it simply does and cannot be rushed or pushed down or ignored (at least, not for long).

On 11/4/2023 at 3:22 PM, Incomplete said:

In addition to getting over the loss I am wondering if there is anything I can do to change my husbands mind in the future. Has anyone else had the experiences of saying “I will never get another dog” and then changes their mind? If so, what changed your mind?

I'll be blunt:  You cannot do anything to change your husband's mind now or in the future.  What you can do is what you are doing in respecting his grief and accepting that he is grieving differently from you, especially because he had your sweet boy for 4 years before you knew him.  I'd venture to say, admitting that I don't know either of you, that his/your dog got him through any tough or lonely times he had before you and he found each other.  We all grieve in our own way and in our own time.  For some, love for a new companion comes easier and sooner than for others, but what he feels now will probably not be what he feels forever.

When we lost my soulmate-in-a-dog Charlie Bear, I wasn't sure I would ever want another and thought I'd never be able to love a dog like that again.  I was right--and wrong.  I will never love a dog like I loved him, but many years down the road, I found I could love another dog as deeply.  She's not even technically "mine," but rather my Goddog and I am her Dogmother.  She belongs to dear friends (also across the street neighbors) and couldn't be more different from Charlie.  He was a Keeshond (our only purebred ever); she is a rescue Russell/Parson terrior mix with a dash of Chihuahua for good measure and weighs 12 lb.  Her name is Raleigh and you can read a little about her in some of my posts.  She had already been to my house many times and even had her own blankie when my friends asked if I'd walk her one day a week when they both had long days.  Well, of course I said yes.  It was 9 months after my husband John died and I was just coming out of "hermit" mode.  That morphed into walking her and then bringing her home for the afternoon.  I didn't have any pets at that time and wasn't ready for a full time commitment.  When COVID arrived, her parents decided that lockdown orders would set me back in my grief (they were right) and so they offered to have Raleigh with me 4 afternoons a week.  It's not hyperbole to say that Raleigh's love and companionship got me through those worst 18 months of the pandemic.  Now, I have her 2 and occasionally 3 afternoons to early evenings every week.  I can't imagine life without her.  Little by little she wiggled and snuggled her way into my heart so that she lives side-by-side with our Charlie now.  She's going on 14 and I'm well aware that the day will come that we lose her.  It will be impossibly painful, but even knowing that, I wouldn't change a thing.

You honored your dog with that last great act of selfless love.  Now hold the love, fun, and joyful memories in your heart while you grieve your deep loss.  Honor your husband by letting him come to an acceptance and the ability to see a way forward in his own time.  It's possible that he will not change his mind, but honestly, I think it's more likely that he will.  Just give him time, as cliche as that sounds, because it's the only thing that truly helps.

Sending digital hugs to you both.

[Incomplete]

Thank you so much for this and for the virtual hug.

It sounds like Raleigh is a marvelous part-time addition to your home! There is nothing like the pure love of a pet! 

I know it would be selfish for me to not allow my husband to fully grieve before even broaching the subject of another dog. At the same time, I can't even imagine living our lives without a dog. 

I feel like he is trying his best to justify his stance by making comments on how awesome it will be to go away for a day without having to worry about the boy or how we can travel more overnight now that we are pet-free. The problem is that he hates traveling and we are both homebodies and I feel like he is trying to convince himself. I will be respectful and remain quiet. 

We think of the happy times with the boy and are so thankful he didn't suffer for an extended period. I feel like I am on a rollercoaster with the highs being moments where I don't cry and my lows feeling like I am in absolute despair. 

[KayC]

 

One of the things I did to help me through the grief of losing Arlie and Kitty four years ago is write about them:

 

[lizz3]

I read your post the other night... but couldn't respond as we had just helped our sweet boy journey on - October 30th.  Like you.. it seemed this happened so quickly... I knew he was getting older and unfortunately attributed everything to age.   We found he had a mass in his liver on top of a bad bout of pancreatitis... all of which was causing his gallbladder to be blocked.   He was in the hospital for 5 days before we broke him free.... I truly thought we could "fix this" and that he would recover... but within that short time at home we realized he was being strong for us... and was suffering.   We had some wonderful hospice vets come to our home - I held him in my arms as he ended this chapter (I believe there are better things ahead for these loyal, loving and devoted friends. )  So I want you to know that while I can never know what you are feeling... I know my own pain and can only imagine yours is similar to that... and as such my heart breaks for you and your husband.   I believe every moment you shared with your pup was a gift worth having ... even through this pain I'm thankful for every moment our pup was present in our lives... as I'm sure you are thankful for the love you shared with yours.   My husband has also said "never again"... he has cried (as we all have) and he has watched me fade the past couple of weeks (we had to say goodbye to one of our other pups summer of 2022... that was just as awful).  After that pup passed... my daughter rescued another dog as our dog who just passed was grieving his friend terribly... so we got a pal for him (we forget our fur babies grieve as well).  This time... I think my husband is certain that he doesn't want to go through this again... and at this moment I feel the same.   I don't know what I'll feel a year from now.... or if he will feel different as things are so raw at the moment.   I think perhaps it is too soon for your husband to open his heart and mind to the idea of another fur baby.  I don't know if you are on Instagram at all... but if you can go on look up Wolfgang.   His real name is Steve and he rescues senior pups (which we have done as well).  He rescues them in honor of a pup he had years ago (named Wolfgang).  He gives them a final forever home that they otherwise wouldn't have known.   Perhaps when the time is right and some healing has been done, you could approach your husband with the idea of offering forever homes to those who wouldn't have them without you.   It's hard when your heart is telling you one thing and his is telling him something else... but you're a truly good person to consider his position and place your ideas on hold to give him space.   Noone knows what tomorrow will bring or what our hearts will tell us... I would suggest spending some time together and healing... when you feel up to it there are some shelters (at least in our area) where you can take the pups out for a walk so they get some exercise... you could start with something like that and see how your husband feels with that.   Time has a way of giving us the space we need to be able to look back at the memories and smile rather than cry... when that happens see how you're both feeling.   My husband has said no... we have convinced him based on needs and as such relationships have developed.   Just give each other the time that's needed.   Again... I'm so sorry for your loss.... but I'm thankful for the time you shared with your pup.   Positive thoughts sent you're way! L -

[KayC]

I am so sorry for your loss and all you are both going through, it's the hardest thing in the world.  I am very thankful I got my pup, conceived when Arlie died, born on my bdy, and his name popped into my head when I saw pictures and video of him...I've never had that happen before.  When my son brought him to me, guess what his tag said?!  He has been my lifesaver although in the beginning when people said how cute he was, I was offended inside for my Arlie's sake, whom I loved...but have developed a relationship with Kodie now too, and although the dogs are very different, one huge, one small, one with a terrific sense of humor and goofy as all get out, the other a service dog and takes his role seriously, so sweet and loving...my heart belongs to both and only grew...

The what ifs blame game happens to most of us going through early grief, it did me when my husband died nearly 18 years ago...it's not that we are guilty of anything but loving them, and the truth is feelings are not facts, but it's that we can't wrap our heads around what happened, and our mind is trying to find some different possible outcome so it searches all the what ifs...

Comfort for Grieving Animal Lovers

A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
Breaking the Power of Guilt
A Dangerous Villain: Guilt
http://www.pet-loss.net/guilt.shtml
http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2019/08/pet-loss-when-guilt-overshadows-grief.html
https://www.griefhealingblog.com/2017/07/pet-loss-when-guilt-goes-unresolved.html

I hope this short video brings you some comfort and peace.

 

[foreverhis]

@lizz3 I am so sorry you have suffered two great losses, especially so close together.

What you wrote is very touching, true, and in a way inspirational because you nailed something really important, IMO:

10 hours ago, lizz3 said:

So I want you to know that while I can never know what you are feeling... I know my own pain and can only imagine yours is similar to that... and as such my heart breaks for you and your husband.   I believe every moment you shared with your pup was a gift worth having ... even through this pain I'm thankful for every moment our pup was present in our lives... as I'm sure you are thankful for the love you shared with yours.

It’s very hard to see a way forward toward opening our hearts again when they have been shattered. Though time doesn’t “heal everything,” it does make the pain softer as we incorporate it with the love and so many happy memories.

 I was browsing around and just found this. It brought tears to my eyes and yet there’s something deeply true about it.

[Incomplete]

11 hours ago, lizz3 said:

I read your post the other night... but couldn't respond as we had just helped our sweet boy journey on - October 30th.  Like you.. it seemed this happened so quickly... I knew he was getting older and unfortunately attributed everything to age.   We found he had a mass in his liver on top of a bad bout of pancreatitis... all of which was causing his gallbladder to be blocked.   He was in the hospital for 5 days before we broke him free.... I truly thought we could "fix this" and that he would recover... but within that short time at home we realized he was being strong for us... and was suffering.   We had some wonderful hospice vets come to our home - I held him in my arms as he ended this chapter (I believe there are better things ahead for these loyal, loving and devoted friends. )  So I want you to know that while I can never know what you are feeling... I know my own pain and can only imagine yours is similar to that... and as such my heart breaks for you and your husband.   I believe every moment you shared with your pup was a gift worth having ... even through this pain I'm thankful for every moment our pup was present in our lives... as I'm sure you are thankful for the love you shared with yours.   My husband has also said "never again"... he has cried (as we all have) and he has watched me fade the past couple of weeks (we had to say goodbye to one of our other pups summer of 2022... that was just as awful).  After that pup passed... my daughter rescued another dog as our dog who just passed was grieving his friend terribly... so we got a pal for him (we forget our fur babies grieve as well).  This time... I think my husband is certain that he doesn't want to go through this again... and at this moment I feel the same.   I don't know what I'll feel a year from now.... or if he will feel different as things are so raw at the moment.   I think perhaps it is too soon for your husband to open his heart and mind to the idea of another fur baby.  I don't know if you are on Instagram at all... but if you can go on look up Wolfgang.   His real name is Steve and he rescues senior pups (which we have done as well).  He rescues them in honor of a pup he had years ago (named Wolfgang).  He gives them a final forever home that they otherwise wouldn't have known.   Perhaps when the time is right and some healing has been done, you could approach your husband with the idea of offering forever homes to those who wouldn't have them without you.   It's hard when your heart is telling you one thing and his is telling him something else... but you're a truly good person to consider his position and place your ideas on hold to give him space.   Noone knows what tomorrow will bring or what our hearts will tell us... I would suggest spending some time together and healing... when you feel up to it there are some shelters (at least in our area) where you can take the pups out for a walk so they get some exercise... you could start with something like that and see how your husband feels with that.   Time has a way of giving us the space we need to be able to look back at the memories and smile rather than cry... when that happens see how you're both feeling.   My husband has said no... we have convinced him based on needs and as such relationships have developed.   Just give each other the time that's needed.   Again... I'm so sorry for your loss.... but I'm thankful for the time you shared with your pup.   Positive thoughts sent you're way! L -

 

@lizz3 I am so sorry that you have experienced this loss. Thank you for sharing your experience with me, as I know having to go through this again is painful. I cannot even fathom losing two dogs so close together. It's so hard to let go, yet easing our pup's pain is the only way to repay them for the unconditional love and loyalty they have given us during their lifetime. I keep reminding myself (and others) that the 14 years of joy with Bentley overcomes the heartbreak of losing him. 

My husband continues to say things like...thank God we never have to deal with vets again, or Thank goodness we can be away for an entire day without needing to be home for the boy...it's like he is trying to convince himself of reasons does not want another pup. For me, this is hurtful but I will continue not to say anything as I understand he needs to deal with the loss of Bentley. He has often said" There will never be another dog like the boy" and I agree. I would never want another Bentley. I want a pup with its own unique personality. 

Thank you for recommending Wolfgang, I am now following him. Thank you also for your words of wisdom. I am not saying anything at this point about another dog, nor am I saying a word when he makes comments about no more pups. I will respect this..for now. 

Thinking of you and your husband, lizz33 and praying for your healing from your loss. Take care. 

 

[lizz3]

You all are wonderful... I've read and reread your posts and have different takeaways.  I will admit I cried a bit reading them - as Incomplete said, "It's like being on a rollercoaster."  I believe I have more down days than good - but as you all have said and my kids have said - I really believe Beau was my soul animal.  I have health issues (ok... reality check... many people have health issues these days) but Beau always checked on me - during the night I might find him hovering over my face, I'd say I'm fine Beau... he'd wait a minute and then get comfortable again.  I told him everything - and the great thing - I never worried about judgment or unrelated commentary.  Oh... and he had the softest mop of hair on his head that just eased any stress you might be feeling.  I feel blessed for my time with him... crazy, right?  Steve (the gentleman behind Wolfgang) made the statement once that "animals are a part of our lives... but we are their entire life."  I love that.  Incomplete, I would imagine you are right regarding your husband's comments... it sounds as if he is trying to convince himself of how easy life will be now.  I think you're making a wise decision to give time - because time has a way of "working."  That said - please don't deprive yourself of filling your void because it would be worse if you became resentful - helping him / hurting yourself.  Truly check out the shelters, and gather a bunch of old towels and blankets to donate... small moments of joy until time has eased the pain and perhaps opened discussions for future possibilities.  Kay C - it's almost as if Arlie (I had a cat when I was single named Arly Barley... love that name) helped you find Kodie... they may be different but their devotion to you is the same.  And Foreverhis... do I love that quote...  I have already printed it.  Also... time will make it softer - and I hope it blends with this love and all the memories captured in this brain of mine.  Death itself doesn't cause fear (I have worked in a field that deals with death often)... the hard part for me is the visual loss and emotional connection... that I no longer have.  But as we've all discussed... it's all about time.  Thinking of each of you and your kindness... and sending warm thoughts out to you that we all keep moving forward.  Night all... Lizz 

[KayC]

Beau sounds like a wonderful dog. I can imagine how much you miss him.