Lost My Dad and Everything Followed

[Mr27]

This is my first time posting on a forum like this, so bear with me.

I lost my dad unexpectedly in March of this year due to a massive heart attack. It all happened at dinner for my mom's birthday of all days, and there was nothing we could do. Him and I were very close. He was my best friend, my mentor, my role model. And it seems like my whole life has started to fall apart since his death. I am 27 years old. 

Following his death, we had lots of support from friends, family, and the community. It was nice to have people around, but I was still feeling emotions that I've never felt before. A couple months go by, I was very depressed, angry, sad, I drank a lot. My girlfriend at the time was there for support, but eventually we'd argue a lot. I wanted to be a good boyfriend to her, but at the same time, I just wanted to be alone. She didn't understand this, and it was hard to explain my emotions to her. Eventually we broke up, which also took a toll on me. One month after our breakup, someone who I thought was a close friend, someone who I confided in and was also supporting my grief, tells me that he started dating my ex...I've known this guy since elementary school, and he knew how the loss of my father and loss of my girlfriend affected me. So this felt like a big betrayal. 

At this point, I felt alone. Driving around aimlessly became my therapy. I also began drinking more and more. About a month ago I was arrested for a DUI and sat in jail for 2 nights. I had hit a low point. Now I'm stuck with no father, no girlfriend, no best friend, and no license. The worst part is that it seems like no one understands the pain. And that is why I'm confiding in this forum.

How does a person move past all the losses? How do you deal with grief and depression? Where do I even go from here? I feel the only ones who understand are my mom and my sister. I feel very fortunate to be closer with them now. 

[Traz]

Dear Mr27,

Losing a parent who you were so close to, is a huge, life-changing event.

I am truly sorry for the sudden loss of your dear father and all that you are going through. I was a bit older than you when I lost my dad and know that deep pain and gaping hole that's left in your heart. We were extremely close and had a great relationship too.

I guess you already know that you're heading down a path of self-destruction with the drinking, so I will just give you encouragement. It will become easier to bear if you allow yourself to feel the pain. Allow the tears and feel your body wracked with your sobbing, until you are exhausted. You must continue to feel.

This is how we get through it. You will always miss your dad, that is how it goes. But you will be able to handle your loss and bear it as time passes. I try to do things now that honor my dad, do things that would make him proud. You can do that too, when you are further into this journey. 

I would really suggest seeing a grief counsellor and also addressing the alcohol issue. We all self-medicate at times but it can destroy you if it turns into full blown addiction.I think it's brave that you opened yourself up here on this forum. That's a step in the right direction.  

I'm going to recommend a YouTube channel that brought me great peace and comfort: Anthony Chene Production. 

Start with the accounts of people who've had near death experiences. It's profoundly moving and it helped me understand that we don't just end when we shed this body. Hold onto that. 

Wishing you peace,

Traz

 

[estrangedconnor97]

Hi,

I am 26 years old. I lost my dad (58) in June 2023 from a stroke. He was sick for a while but it was still a shock. He's the only other family memeber I have, apart from my mum and sister (small family). Both of them are on benefits from govt and don't work. It's all pretty glum. 

Being with my partner of nearly 3 years made me feel so comforted and protected me from the reality of how bad things were back home.  She left me 4 months after he died. I also started my new job an hour away from my partner working as a Prosecutor. I started 2 weeks after my dad died. I was offered the job and he was alive and before his stroke, then I accepted the job days before this death.

The job was really beneficial for my career but it destroyed me mentally and I was so stressed on top of losing dad. I would come home and be withdrawn and distant and no fun. Probably emotionally abusive as I couldn't control my up and down moods. I was so nb and out of it. First death.

Eventually my partner had enough and bailed. Part of me hates her, part of me understands, as she became unhappy and sad. Though, if you love someone I thought you'd stay there thick n thin. I would. 

The problem was, about 6 months before he passed we were having issues as I was working away and staying with my family in another city 40 mins away 2-3 nights a week, and then remainder of work week I'd drive home at night. The shift hours were 6am-2 3 a week, then 3days 2-10pm. It wasn't good for us. We were having less intimacy and days together as shift work would rotate into the weekends.

So it got to a point where I was going to quick and both of us were going to work on us. Then boom. My dad dies and instead of quitting, I transition into a placement job internally. So all the focus (rightfully so) shifted onto the job and grieivng a death, not our relationship.

I just wish she was more understanding and patient. I made some terrible choices in regards to how I stopped showing her I cared and wooed her but how else was I supposed to function after going through the first loss in my life being my dad.

 

I'm so confused bro.

[KayC]

I am so sorry.  
Parent Loss: Continuing Their Song
Parental death on relationship

Keep pouring out your feelings here...

[Traz]

Hi estrangedconnor97,

You are the same age as my youngest child and I am almost the same age your dad was when he passed. 58 is too young in my opinion to die. Being 26 is also too young to lose your parent. My friend who is my age, still has both of her parents: ages 88 and 85 years. I feel envious at times.

I am truly sorry for your loss. My Dad was the first major loss in my life too and I do understand the pain. I can't imagine being thrust into a high pressure job  right after your loss though, no wonder you felt such stress and upheaval. I'm also sorry that things did not work out for you and your partner. 

I understand from your post that because of the high stress and the life-changing death event, you acknowledge being distant and withdrawn. "Probably emotionally abusive" tells me that you recognize your behaviour was not acceptable and a catalyst for her leaving. 

Try to sort through and heal your negative feelings toward her if you can. Being there for someone through thick and thin is a noble concept, except when boundaries starting crossing over into patterns of abuse. 

No one should stay in a relationship that is unhealthy or abusive - emotionally, mentally or physically. She had to make a choice that was healthy for her own well-being. Forgive yourself for your part in the break up and forgive her too.  Through the most painful things in our lives comes growth and understanding. This happened TO you, but also FOR you. That's a mantra I tell myself. When these challenges come, no matter how difficult I always ask "what is it I can learn from this?" or "what is this experience trying to show me?" 

It's taken a lot to get to this point though. I have taken a deep dive into spirituality and soul growth over the years. Meditation can help you reach a state of great peace, through regular practice.  Humans, all of us are a work in progress. 

I hope in the coming year you find more peace and balance in your life. 

Xo